Friends in conflict with individuality?

Ok, so a little background first. I know it will sound a little gossipy, but I need to vent it out of my system.

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I had three acquaintances-cum-friends.Imagine people who believe in a poly-amorous society, where almost everyone flirts everyone else and every one dates everyone else. So, let's call them A, B, C.

A who's a single young woman, elder to me was in a relationship with B, B was simultaneously courting C who was another woman of a similar age. A, B and C were all aware of each-other's presence in each other's lives. Things didn't turn out between A and B the way A wanted. So, she gets all furious and bitchy about C as well as B as well as the woman B finally gets attached to (let's call this new woman D).

Now, I do not have a clue between A. B. C because they are all usually tight lipped n their personal lives and I don't poke in my nose where it's not wanted. It's AS SIMPLE AS THAT.However, I end up in a fix in the following manner....

A posts something very offensive about C on the public forum (think of someplace like face book) where most of us usually interact with. I do NOT know the background. I end up commenting on it in a very general way. The some days later A tells me that the offensive words were a personal attack on C. I feel manipulated. I felt that something I said in a spirit of fun and humor, was portrayed as support of A in a personal warfare against C. I felt duped by A because if it was a personal attack, she should have either educated me (in case she was looking for a support from me), or should have removed my comment from there. She had done neither. And I had ended up hurting C.

Then some days later A and I talked with it again. And I told her she shouldn't have slandered someone on a public forum. She said C and B used to play games. I told her it didn't matter. One's personal dignity is one's own responsibility. A said she knew it looks bad, but she doesn't care and she's happy as she is and she doesn't need my advice.She also said apparently she was drunk.

Three months later. C posts on some other thread that the offensive words don't help even if they are used behind the shield of pms, mood swings or other such. I see this as an opportunity to apologize to C (remember I am NOT thinking about A, because I am NOT a part of their personal war, whatever it is, I care not!!!). so, I admit to C on the same post that I agree it's bad to call names, I called someone a similar name and I regret it now (I mention none of the parties involved)

A thinks I am cruel. WOW!!! Thinks I'm not a friend, I don't support, I am picking on her and shattering to pieces (she seems to be having lots of issues with other common acquaintances/friends as well)

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Now my perspective,

1. I take people at face value. Unfortunately for me, I expect the same.
2. The fundamental value system I hold is - I avoid poking my nose into who does what with whom? who sleeps around with whom? who is marrying whom, unless I am invited to OR unless all parties are common friends and tell me themselves about it. Summary - I don't like, understand or participate in typical gossip. Friendly banter is different however.
3. When I first got involved in the feud, I was completely unaware of it being a personal attack, but it was however taken by me in a completely different context. A WAS AWARE of this. But she didn't play the friend and/or reproach me then. Rather she manipulated me.
4. Had I known it was a personal attack, I'd run miles away from it, till the related people settled it among themselves.
5. When I came to know the reality, it was too late to apologize, because I couldn't figure out how to do it to C.
6. I told A clearly it wasn't the right thing to do and she chose to overrule how I felt.
7. At my opportunity, when I apologized publicly for the mistake that I had made, without absolutely any reference - A feels offended and questions not only my fundamental integrity but also my friendship and support.

Here's what support means to me:

• It is unbiased.
• It has to be justified in my eyes.
• It has to be in a manner that it doesn't hurt people.
• Support does NOT equate to taking sides in inter-personal conflicts of a personal nature.

Apparently, A doesn't understand this. But I am not going to let her play with my guilt conscious. I am still A's friend. I DO wish her good from the deepest of my heart. BUT, I a not someone who'd compromise on my personal value system for the sake of a friend who chooses to manipulate me for her own reasons and then play with my guilt when she's at the disadvantage.

Between friends and personal integrity, I make a choice to choose the latter and accept the consequences. And I might *feel* guilty about it, but I'm not going to give in to the guilt.

I wish you understood me better A.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

The Memoirs of a Geisha

Ok, so another 5hours down the day and I managed to read a soft copy of the book titled above. When I started, I was wondering what would it be, but by the time I finished it, I was glad I managed to read it. I had once heard, or may be read in some editorial somewhere (I need to believe that I have started forgetting minute details henceforth). So, getting back to the original thought, I once read - ' It is said that The Japanese Geisha can even take away and ease the pain of a Man's Soul' That was the day, when I first got curious about who and what a geisha was. But, then I formed a high opinion of it.

It was some odd 10-15 days ago that a friend gifted me with a soft copy of the book and I read it three ( ? )OK, 3-4 days ago. And today I re-read it quickly again in the evening later. I must admit, it did drive me off to google more about Geiko, Geisha and the culture, which I finished doing just before posting this note.

The culture **IS** soothing. It's almost spiritual, though its setting might not be. While to begin with, the girls might have been sold into prostitution and yes, there's the dark side of sold sexual slavery (legal on top), there however, is also an enthralling and detailed glimpse into how different prostitution is from being a Geisha and how a 'mistress' and a Geisha are different as well.

The Plot is simple - two sisters sold to a brothel, one kept to be a geisha, another ends up like a prostitute. The one training to be a Geisha, meets a popular Geisha in the house she stays and is trampled over by the senior Geisha, till her prospects are hopeless and she runs off to find her sister lured under a trap. Lucky to find the sister, they plan to succeed, while all that happens is that the girl is discovered and her Geisha training is stopped completely, for she cannot be trusted to make fortune any longer.

Through an unforeseen turn of events, Chiyo-chan's training restarts under a 'successful' Geisha till she becomes Sayuri, to have her old friend turned against her, her prospectives ruined, her mizuage raising a fortune and her being adopted as the daughter of the house to become 'Nitta Sayuri'.

How through the stumbles of her life Chiyo-chan, now Nitta Sayuri, survives war, survives one Danna (honestly only a horny and pot-bellied general, I imagined him to be, nothing better ) and another want to be Danna till she finds that her old friend now is revengeful and spoils her prospects with the Man she wanted as her Danna.

Hope finally returns to Geisha when she discovers that her desired Danna has discovered her devotion to him, and that the only man who knew her both as Chiyo-chan and Sayuri is finally about to embrace her for ever. She spends happy years after a financial arrangement is made by her now Danna with her Home, for sometime. After this, she decides to open a tea-house in the America, for she wants her Danna's family and daughters happy and married, while staying out of their way.

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Now, like I said above, the plot is nothing extraordinary. The setting a little, but the most extraordinary are the insights and the statements along with the author's observations (the novel is autobiographic in narration). The realization that a tea-ceremony could be as serene as a worship ritual for a Geisha. That there were beautiful Geisha, popular ones and the successful ones. How sccess and popularity differ and what really means to be a Geisha. How tough the path is, but if you succeed, how rewarding too. On the other hand, how it can be completely destructive as well.

What I liked pointedly were two things:

* It's correlation with D/s lifestyle without mention of kink or over mention of sex and,

* The realization that spirituality is not in the act you perform but the spirit you perform it with.

And of course, a realization of how privileged I was in one way to enjoy a life of such luxury. And at the same time, how deprived, without the cultural upbringing that certain women manage to get (even when I pride myself for all that I know, in terms of art and activity as compared to many others).

And then, to top it all, was the realization that what I actually was being, was a competitive person, while a Geisha (in spirit, rather than dress and acts she performs - both sexual and non-sexual) cannot exist without humility and support from other Geisha :)

Long post? not sure, just a few reflections though:)

© anu (Exploring Myself)