I really wish I could Die

You!!! Yes, You! The woman in the mirror? Who are you?

Definitely not me. I was vibrant, strong, compassionate, kind and forgiving. You are listless, weak, either passionate or cold, unkind and revengeful. You are not me. Because of You I died, what right do You have to survive?

I am someone who's naive enough to think that I can be a pillar of strength to any one. I am a pest. I survive on others' love. I think I'm so great that I can love them? I can't even forgive people when they've NOT done anything wrong. And I can't forget it when they HAVE done something wrong.

I am obsessed, unruly, unworthy, a slut to the core of my mean and nasty heart. I care for nothing nor do I want to. I have no reason to survive.

But you forget that You're loved by those naive people who think you can love. You are liked by those who are naive enough to think of you as innocent as dove.

You are hollow, or looks, nor money. No position, no status, forget the maturity and the love you profess. You are nothing, just a fleck of dust, unworthy, set up for repeated failure and no success.

Go take a fuck and make it fly, this is what they to the likes of you. You think your poisoned tears are as pure as morning dew. Whom do you think you're kidding, you prude you bitch you naive woman. All you want is attention and you understand nothing of being Human.

But I wish I was back to the kid I was, to be able to think in poetry again. Not the tidbits that I write now, but the old when I was sane. All I want is just a single touch of love and desire in my life. But I hate the pity that I get, I hate the respect, I feel stabbing myself with a knife.

I want to give up or give in at least one. I want to talk and yet to push away everyone. I hope I either recover, or else this misery may end my life and may I never suffer.

Friends whom I love, foes whom I like, people whom I wish to do thinks for and serve. I do not wish to suffer You every moment, because I'm mean enough to want returns.

I am rambling, I know, I know not how to deal. I am numb at the time, when emotions I feel. I really wish I could die.

Lord,
Help me accept that it's my shortcoming,
to misunderstand people's intentions when earnest.
Lord, make me accept that all they've been,
in their dealings with me is fair and honest.

Lord, help me feel through the pain I get,
the strength to serve all around me.
Just numb me a tiny wee bit so that,
the bonds do not bound me.

And if Thee would do nothing O Lord,
give me the strength to face this.
And if not even that, why not take my life,
with your hands since I cannot take this.

Give me courage to die,
either once and for all,
or inch by inch every day.
Lord, help me bear the pain that hurts,
or give me an escape-way.

I really wish I could die, O Lord.
This I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Trying to calm myself

Lord,

I complain, I fret.
I toil hard, covered in sweat.
To make things right,
when I'm not in control.
To reduce my plight,
when I can't resurrect my heart and my soul.

Distressed with the world,
troubled with my feelings....
I wish I would die..
But, then I think...
I must be fair in dealings,
shouldn't make loved ones cry.......

can't continue...... can't think further..... will continue and write when I can.
30.11.09...

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Vaccum: the soul v/s the mind and heart

I am suffering from another of my vacuum pangs........ those pangs of the typical bipolar depressive phases. I am trying to absorb myself in work, even extra work, even that which doesn't bring me any benefits, neither monetary, nor intellectual or educational.

A part of me is cribbing about the extra work, but the fact is that the extra work exists because I agree to its existence. If I deny doing some work, no one can force me to do it, but the fact is that I do not want to deny it either. Why? because I know, if I stay back at Home, I'll have those bouts of a quarrelsome mood, and a very negative attitude. So, its better I work.

This vacuum seems to be more of an emotional and psychological nature rather than being that of a physical or materialistic nature, though the precipitating causes can be something as simple as .............why did a friend not pick my call just when I called, or why did mom not cook a certain vegetable, or why wasn't my printer functioning (though it now is).

Lord,
Help me sustain,
Help me survive.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

14.06.09 And 15.06.09

I have been excessively preoccupied with settling up the work situation and the regular study and chanting patterns.
I am happy God has finally made it work for me, and I have a decent source and a job, even if part time, and that's as of now a great support for me.

Yesterday I chanted 4 rounds again, and I'm glad, God made me do that too, and I also studied.

I know I sound like obsessed with the thought....God gave me this, God gave me that, and blah blah........but...... This is true, and no matter how much I might want to emphasize it, I'll never be able to do it enough...........GOD DOES IT! HE'S ALWAYS WITH US!

I read Khalid Housseini.... A Thousand Splendid Sons ..... for the second time last night, and I was surprised the way it moved me, and the way I was forced to pen down in the book itself. I will summarize the same, once I've completed the second reading. I don't get as much time these days, like I used to do in Delhi, or I'd have already been through with it.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

12.06.09 and 13.06.09

On the 11th I was better, though late night 10th I had asked him to call me, which he didn't and I was OK with it, as later I realized that I was being weak in expecting support from him, and not relying on myself. 11th I spent the whole day out roaming around with my friend, and had been sleeping every alternate night at her place. To keep myself distracted and away from excessive chatting or thinking, I adopted this method, and I succeeded once again!!

Since the day I visited the psychiatrist, I took the medicines only twice!!!! As usual, not taking medicines :|

Lord is merciful and great and helps me a lot.

12th I went to inquire about admission in MBA program to the best local B-school, and decided in favor. Was busy the whole day working on the formalities, inquiring about loan facilities, and in the end by the evening decided finally against it :)

I had somehow known that this would happen.

Today morning was very tense, in the sense that I was worried, frustrated and confused as to what to do, and I messaged him asking if he could find me some free lance work though I am trying my resources as well. But by the end of today evening, I was able to decide what I have to do, and though he didn't call me, nor I expected him to, I had waited for his phone call.

Things are getting easier on my mind, and I'm thankful to The Almighty who's helping me with it.

Thank You God!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

It sucks!

Life seriously was in a mess yesterday......rather I was. Life was fine yesterday........good even.........I had a lot of good things turning up yesterday....Three part time 2 hrs each job offers with a decent payment,in total, and yet by the evening I was damn upset, though I had spoken to him about everything and shared.

Then by the night had a quarrel with a good acquaintance and finally I decided to walk apart as a stranger. I am a non - interfering person as a friend and expect the same, and He doesn't expect any interactions on a professional basis, so we wished each other well, and left.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Uncertainity and Drastic Changes

I had thought that I will blog today and not yesterday. But, I had not known that I will have to be weeping early morning and listen to abuses. I am writing this post though I know I may edit or delete it later. But I need to write and I don't have anyone around me with whom I can share.

There are things which I might keep denying it in front of the world, I know they WILL remain so. But, I also know it for a matter of fact that these things have their own advantages.

I had started this post at seven thirty in the morning and paused there, saved draft and not proceed, because hardly I realized that the day had drastic changes in store.
I patched up sooner than every time. I patched up on initiative, because I didn't want unnecessary tensions for myself. I have my plate already full.

I went for the dance class and the residential camp I was supposed to have been an instructor at. I loved dancing, but again...choices......There's a spiritual and moral training camp from 14th to 21st which will cost me 1000 bucks, and the one month dance class for 600 bucks. Now I want both bad, and don't have a single penny apart from what mom gave as her contro for the dance class :))

Let's see, something will work out!!!

I've finally reduced my blog number to 2 from 9, and though it was tough parting with those posts, it was in my best interest and I'm happy, easy and manageable.

I am planning on starting a lot of series on thoughts and reading journals. preferably the first one shall be on Bhagvad Gita :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mental Blockage, Emotional Baggage, and Thoughtlessness

I have started having a mental blockage that there aren't really many people who really are good.

An emotional baggage, that perhaps I'll never ever find my soul mate. I don't know why I am the way I am. Yearning to be at peace with my better half. I am restless..... at time like Athena of the Witch of Portobello, and at others like just myself. Running towards, and away from things.

I guess, this again an approaching height of my Mania, I've been observing the pattern. Initially lots of thoughts, then racy and now violently dashing.... gradually all getting so confused and muzzled up, till I fall in depression again. I am expecting a very severe depressive bout very soon.

Thank God! I know and understand most of my problem.

But, this state baffles me, and I try hard to write it out. What comes out is this limited stuff, neither elaborate, nor expressive enough as I want it to be.

Anyways.........

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Another depressive Bout: heavy very heavy

Pre Script: this is a blog entry less about my thoughts and more about my feelings.

One of my best friends is getting married. First in 'my' circle. or rather so called 'my'. did I ever really have friends? i doubt. is it that I tend to cling to people and relationships? no, I grow out of them at the right time. She had started being unresponsive for past one year or rather more. So, i also eventually stopped calling. I thought she didn't want me to call her. Today she returned, more intense than ever. as a Friend who had really missed me.

She is getting married, but, why am i upset about it. I am happy, yes that's true. She is moving on to the next phase in her life, and its both Joyful, and important for her. and yet, I'm slightly upset, because i will be left even more lonely.

brother needs the PC, so would have to get up now. I know my thought process would be lost, but i will have to entertain it. I will write another entry after the right time. No point saving this entry and editing it later and stuff.

©anu (Exploring Myself)