18-27 - Part 2

There happened two good things in 2006 when I was 22. One, I found a proper job, a structured framework, an organization, sense of competition revoked, against my colleagues. This job returned a bit of my self-esteem. This also made me socialize though only a little bit and also made me feel competitive and needy to perform. I was the best performer as a trainee for two months as well as an employee once I hit the floor actually, for another two months. In these four months, with unrestricted internet access, I re-discovered my love for reading.

The first book I read then was- Gone with the wind in a total of 8 hours, skipping my breaks, requesting extra shift from my manager and what not. Then I read Jane Eyre and other books by the Bronte sisters. And by the time I was four month old in an organization, working on a salary of 10 K bucks and the youngest employee and also one of the best performers across the organization, I realized, this wasn’t where I belonged to.

I submitted my resignation which wasn't accepted. I waited two days, let my salary be credited, swiped my account clear and left the job, gone! Vanished, declared absconding (thankfully this doesn't cause ground for legal action in India). I came back home, got enrolled in an off-campus graduate program in humanities and against all odds and ends and voices of sanity chose philosophy, English literature and political science(for the lack of a better available third optional)

In the first year of my graduation I scored 75 percent marks in philosophy (something that had become for me a rare commodity). There were extra papers in environmental science, computers, compulsory English. I fared well in all of them. I managed a decent 60 something in English, 50 or something in political studies.

The second year was better, I went to Delhi again to work in a reputed MNC this time to earn enormous amounts as salary but four months later the job started taking heavy toll on me. What with 12 hours of days shift and 14 hours of night. No time to study, no leaves in the peripheral vision for examination. I quit, came back, studied for second year exams, and got 79 percent in Phil. and some average 50 percent something in English and Pol. Studies.

In the third and the final year, I joined a private Engineering college in my own town as a faculty for spoken English. The salary was a mere four thousand, but I was once again in my comfort zone. I was teaching again, content, happy, very much at peace with myself, at home within the campus and with the rest of the staff. I was the only female out there amidst all boys (students) and men (teachers). But six months later, we shifted our home to a place farther off. The change was welcome; I now had a room for myself. My personal space was better than earlier. I didn’t have to share a room with my younger brothers. But, I had to quit my job because my travel time increased to double and so did the fare.

It was also around this time, that I finally ended up in a long distance relationship with a Dominant Man in USA. And by the time the term ended, I was with an average of 83 in philosophy, and decent 60 something crossed in the other two subjects. I was happy, successful in terms of my degree and was a student of a very reputed institute, preparing for an MBA entrance exam, when I fell into my annual depression phase.

Once into it, I sat completely home locked, not wanting to go out anywhere, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to meet anyone. And then one fine day, I got a call from the institute and I was offered a trainer’s post there for communicative and spoken English. Once again, I was in my comfort zone. And then I was given the responsibility to teach the language section for the same exam that I was writing.

I was eventually given classes with the same batch as that of my fellow students and surprisingly they co-operated too well with me and it went fine. I was enrolled in an M.A. program and an executive MBA simultaneously. Eventually I discovered that I am not a corporate person and that it is only teaching that I have truly loved, after I gave up on trying being a doctor. So, I gave up on the MBA as well as the job and kept only to the MA degree. But two months before the exams I got cold feet and gave up on that too. So, one full year dropped again. I then finally stayed at home for another 8 months, working for small amounts, tit-bits, occasional classes, not studying, just thinking, making futile plans and doing nothing before I found some very supportive friends emotionally and morally and finally my current job.

It was also in these last four and a half years that I discovered lifestyle, could place my thoughts, orientations in place, get a perspective that whatever need for control I had in my routine life was not something weird but had a name for itself. It was in the last year that I also found a real group of people in India who follow different sorts of unconventional lifestyles and do not judge people. It was the past one year when I explored the possibilities of embracing my true nature as a person. It was however, around a month ago that I also found my mentor after a long series of faltering, failings, psycho-somatic illnesses, fractures and what not.

I know I have a whole life ahead of me. I also know I will fall, make mistakes, get hurt, but I also know I will survive, especially now that I have a strong support system.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

18-27 - Part 1

So, I was already 18, when I left school, nothing unusual there though. Except for the fact that my loner nature had already been established. I had already been subconsciously declared as a nerd, loner, multi-faceted and multi-talented individual with a sort of solitude and loneliness prominently visible. It was also, assumed that I was at peace with my being alone. There were germs of poetry. Literature and yet a desire to be a doctor and study medicine and psychiatry (eventually). But with failures creeping in on facts like having to quit math, lack of fee to pay for costly coaching classes.

I dropped four years to prepare for my pre medical entrance exam. I joined a graduate program once in the mean while, a B.Sc. in Biology. But gave it up. It wasn’t my place. I liked going to college, using library but I hated the batch mates, It was during these four years that my best friend of 7 years ditched me, by saying to her parents that I was the one who was being stalked by some guys (who actually were stalking me). These four years made me realize that honesty is the best policy, since my parents would know everything about me, my activities, my whereabouts.

It was the beginning of these four years that my life went through fire and flames and came out as something entirely different. I was re-diagnosed thrice with my depression and ALWAYS, I refused to take medication. It was the beginning of these four years that I was exposed to yahoo (by my younger brother) and the later part of these years that I bought my first mobile phone. But there’s something much more important (wrong usage I know), that I discovered.

It was - I started teaching. I taught students who were my immediate juniors. I taught senior school physics, chemistry, biology, because I wanted to learn. I knew I’d never be able to afford money enough to go and prepare for entrances outside my town. My town didn’t have good institutes till then. I had no friends, most of those who were with me got into engineering (the ratio of engg seats to medical being something like 12000 to 600 that time if I remember correctly). I didn’t have friends to discuss study with. I didn’t know which books to read, what depth to probe into and I took up teaching as an obvious and a clear solution to problems like these.

I remember the students’ parents would ask me – you’re so young. And I’d politely reply – I know, but what matters is my command on the subject. I was amazing with theory, especially physics, which I knew that I could never ever study again because I did not study Math in grade 12. My students would score well, even clear competitive exams, while I would year after year not succeed. The best I’d do was to fall short by a single mark, or to get a payment seat, or to be able to join something like a self-sponsored dentistry.

It was these four years however, when one of my teachers tried to seduce me, another wanted to lay me around and 2 batchmates disgusted me to no end, with their grossly materialistic and carnal proposals without even a twinge of feeling (Back then, I was EXCESSIVELY conventional, VERY stubborn and greatly judgmental). It was within these four years that I found the first love of my life (who later dumped me because he realized I’m not a would-be doctor anymore and that I do not look as beautiful as in the pics. And this after telling his whole family that he wanted to marry me. Funny, ain’t it? :)

But on the other hand, in 2005, amidst all this drama and lackluster life, I found a friend in a biology chat room in yahoo then. This was one of the first people who molded my life. Extremely intelligent, highly accomplished, pure in spirit and amazingly understanding, this Man (7 years elder to me?) brought me to an understanding of myself. He questioned me, probed me, made me think, answer his questions. He helped me explore much of the unexplored me. He helped me deal with what was negative, to encourage in myself what was positive. We met once and then lost contact. Ani, I still miss you :)

It was in these four years (towards the end) that I managed to save money, shift to Delhi for coaching and met my best friend till date, my best supporter of last 5 years and my current employer. We had a common friend introduce me. So, the last 6 months of my last drop, this friend introduced me to ISKCON, where I could find exactly the same reasoning as the one I had, exactly similar things as subjects of discussion like they were at Home. ISKCON was a home away from home.

I wrote my final attempt, did not succeed, took up a call centre job and decided I didn’t want to study further. This is when I turned 22, with a heart break, a broken friendship, a total of 2 seducing attempts, 2 disgusting offers, a long history of failures already, future bleak. I guess, I cannot cover this duration all in one go, so I will write a sequel to this section.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

9-18

Before I continue from 9-18, I guess, there’s something more from the zero-nine phase that comes to my mind.

I am told I was a violent kid with loads of anger. I would throw objects, I would be nasty, throw tantrums, but there was one thing I NEVER did – I never tore books. They were unconsciously sacred to me.

It was around 9 and a half years of my age, when I had my ma give birth to my youngest brother. Dad had to shift his focus from me to the one younger to me, what with his bad health, his, the new baby in the family, increasing financial expenses, shortage of space. We have practically spent some 15 years of our life in a single room and another ten in the main room and another rented in some or the other nearby location. Things started changing. I was happy and yet more and more fierce. My studies shot up in terms of scores and performance. Perhaps it was the competitive threat I subconsciously felt from the younger brother, or maybe it was the need for all that attention I missed from parents which was now channelized to the tuitions that dad would give and my youngest brother.

We were living with our aunt and uncle who stayed close by at that juncture in time. So, mostly our food would be cooked together and mom and aunt would take care of the baby, while dad would spend time with both of us. But I do remember that I was very possessive of my baby bro (I still am in some ways) and had fought the whole family once when it came to just a superficial talk of my uncle and aunt(who do not have any children, biological or adopted) adopting the child. I fought tooth and nail, hurt my father physically and made Him write on a paper with a one rupee stamp sticking to it that He would never give away any of his kids.

A childish tantrum though it may seem, the fact displays that I was never an easy to give away kid. I was always fiercely possessive. My younger brother and I had loads of issues between us. We would fight; he would give in or else fight back depending on his mood and the thing/object/privilege in question.

But there was this so prominent trait – We would never let an outsider speak in between. NEVER!!! We would always end up giving that same thing to the other which we’d been nastily fighting about. We’d always hug and apply ointment on the bite marks we’d caused.

But two years after this happened, I heard one of my classmates reciting a poem she’d composed herself and I was suddenly – competitive. I was in grade 6, around 12 and a half, suddenly realizing that if ‘this’ was what writing poetry was about, I could do it so much more better and I started writing. I continued wonderful marks, amazing poems (according to the age I was), played harmonium wonderfully well, leading all choirs in school, sang beautifully at devotional gatherings of up to 1000 people, was a good speaker-debater, orator, interested in art, literature, language, music, academics. Everything was perfect. Except a weird sort of loneliness that was slowly engulfing all of me.

I gradually started drifting away from the world around me, more into my own little corner. I wouldn’t go with other girls in lunch – time, I wouldn’t talk to many people, I anyways didn’t have a huge peer group I had just 3 friends from all grade 7 to grade 10. I would take additional responsibilities in school and yet try to be invisible. All I would care about was, what does my teacher think of me? What do I do? How do I perform? And, whether I am acceptable or not. Without anyone actually telling me that they had expectations from me, I started striving to fulfill expectations I thought they had (perhaps because when I’d be around them they’d talk of me in high terms treating as if I didn’t exist there, not realizing that there was vanity gradually creeping in which I would cover with my modesty). It wasn’t exactly vanity, nor was it purely modesty. It was a bizarre concoction of - being praised, wanting to defend that position, pride creeping in and a full realization to keep that pride toned down, because I knew pride is not a good thing.

And, I feel I missed the true carefree childhood. By an age of 14, my personality started showing deeply disturbing traits (which others either did not notice or else didn’t care to notice). I started showing perfect loner traits. I stopped talking to family about anything I felt/dealt-with in school. I would still talk about events, but never feelings. I would talk about successes, but never about failures. I was on surface same, but deep down more shelled up more withdrawn. I had a world of my own in which I had imaginary elder siblings who’d keep my training in regime, be firm with me, non-patronizing and yet caring and loving. In my imaginary world, I had no parents, my teachers and siblings were same and the education I received was holistic, though some of it I did not like. At the same time what had also changed was my biological development. With hormones in play, physiology changing, my emotions started becoming very pessimistic. My tendency to feel pain and think it was there, only because I deserved it, started growing.

Finally, it started reflecting as a psychosomatic problem in the form of dermatological issues. I started visiting a dermatologist. He treated me for two years, the medicines and steroids in turn causing other side effects, before he finally asked me to visit a psychiatrist. I denied and said that I needed a psychologist. He gave me a counseling session. However, results kept going down as compared to what they always had been, my irritability about my dad teaching my batch mates as a tutor and my feelings of comparison and loneliness kept on constantly increasing. A series of failures started and no one could understand why? Not even myself. I would blame parents, brothers, feel cheated, deprived of basic things like personal space, friendships. The single friend I made in standard 7 did stay my friend thus far.

In grade 11, I opted science with biology and maths as optional subjects only to discover that EVERY student in my class was going to extra tuition other than me. I constantly kept on failing in one or the other term exams and eventually I gave up Mathematics. I decided that I would never want to be an engg so I did not need math and I knew enough math to deal with physics and chemistry. I did not realize that I was closing my options to study physics too.

It was towards the end of the 11^th grade and in the second half of my 17^th year that I went to a psychiatrist for a project I did in biology and he diagnosed me. Asked me to conduct a meeting with my mother and explained to her that I was suffering from clinical depression, recommended me medication. However at that time, my relationship with my parents was perhaps as strained as it ever could be and it actually continued till an age of 22. My irritability increasing, my violence revealing on objects (thank God, I’ve never really hurt an individual except with words, and yes, I am not proud but I know I can really hurt bad :( ) But so far till 18, which was till I passed grade 12, these circumstances prevailed. Dwindling between successes in my performance in writing, literature and stage, grades dwindled from above average to good. And I passed school, left it with a few awards added to my already huge collection.

The remaining I guess, shall be in the next installment.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

My years 0-9

I do not remember much of my very initial years. I do remember things from an age of 2.5/3 years though, I guess. My parents do tell me that I was a hyperactive child, multi-faceted, inquisitive, curious, talkative and impressively intelligent when I was a kid. When I was born, I had something that worried them. They took me to the doctors and different doctors way back then (around 84-87) told them that it could / might lead to a lot of medical complications, like cerebral membranes’ inflammation and other things like a swollen head.

I was very young when I started talking and my dad says I had the kind of precise grasp over pronunciation which is rare to find at that age. Father also tells me, that I would speak and recite tough to pronounce Sanskrit texts and verses behind Him when he would sit and do his rituals and worship every day. He tells me, I would imitate not just the words but also the tone and the voice modulation. I was 2.5 years old when someone recommended that dad should make me learn music.

Dad took the advice seriously because of two reasons he says: 1. He was obsessed with the possibilities of me being unwell on the basis of the medical problem and hence wanted to provide me the maximum time and effort and best things in life that he could. 2. He noticed that I was sharp, intelligent and keen. So, He finally devoted himself to my well being, growth and development.

I do not remember my dad ever spanking, slapping, chastising me. He’s perhaps the kindest and yet the most upright father there could be. He taught me throughout the importance of a decent touch and the importance of being vocal, communicative. He taught me to embrace who I was. He taught me strength was a good thing, but it had to be controlled. He also taught me that my strength came not from denying who I was, but from embracing.

I remember Him telling me that being a woman was not about being week. It had nothing to do with gender. Just like He could be all maternal while still being a male and my mom could be all robust, active and doing all the tasks that needed to be done, in spite of the fact that dad was the decision making authority.

I have faint memories of my daily routine like dad waking us early morning, massaging our limbs and back with oil and bathing us and getting us ready while mom would finish the kitchen work. Dad teaching us or helping us memorize some more Sanskrit texts, grammar, math, science concepts and/or prayers, poems.

We would then be sent to school, initially by dad on his cycle, then in the school bus by mom at times and at later times by the auto rickshaw that would pick us from home and drop us back after school. Back then, dad was posted locally, would be back by then (when he was on an early shift in school, he was just a teacher then, not a head ), so we’d change, eat, take an afternoon nap, wake up, do the homework, usually I’d manage myself. Then he’d take me to a music teacher, come back, teach me language, grammar, math, read stories with me, talk about the people in the stories, the values, the morals, the ethics everything.

This routine as I remember was my routine till I was 10 years old. I remember, my younger brother was born when I was around two and a half years old. My grandmother helped me change at home and when I asked about ma (I call my mother ma, though we called her mummy when we were young and my father papa), I was told she’s gone to hospital to bring my brother and would be back in a few hours. When I got up from the afternoon nap, my mom hadn’t yet come back and I started crying. I clearly remember my eldest uncle giving me a chocolate and talking to me about school and so many other things to distract me. We lived in a joint family then. My grandparents would spend some time at the pilgrim spots nearby and some home. My uncles (2 of the three) and aunt (1 of the two I had) used to stay in the same house.

If I started rambling, I could go on and on and on about my childhood, there’s just so much of it. But when my mom finally came home, she had a beautiful baby with her – my brother. I do not really remember how we were raised in His first few years, those memories are fuzzy in fact blank and I’m surprised why. I do remember that he started talking early too and was equally sharp. And I remember that whenever I’d take ages to drink milk, he’d say jiji (sister), hurry up, drink it fast!!! (in his stuttering, baby voice) and I’d be irritated like hell. He used to suckle his thumb, would dress just like me, but I’d sometimes bully him. We fought a lot, but we’d always share all the things. In fact my parents always brought two of everything they brought.

He started going to school and music class when he was 2.5/3 too, and at a young age he was diagnosed with hypermyopia. It was then I was diagnosed with the same too. We both looked very similar way back then and people often mistook us for twins, with similar clothes, similar heights, chubby round, beautiful faces and thick glasses :)

I remember I gave my first public speech addressing an audience of 500 at 3.5 again I was then covered in almost all local and a few national dailies. Sometimes big front pages, sometimes small columns. I wrote my first poem about my brother’s habit of suckling his thumb at 6, which my dad kept as a precious memory and then it got lost some years ago :)

The speeches, stage and music never stopped, nor did the reading. after those smaller versions of stories from scriptures, next came lives of religious devotees, then best classics of world translated to Hindi and abridged versions. Followed in translated Bengali literature, Gnanapitha award winning novels from Hindi and other regional languages. Debates, speeches and everything else would always be in HIndi, education, study and school in English. Mom working on spellings, math problems, practice papers as dad would guide her to make us do them :) We siblings fighting, pulling hair, biting, digging nails and then going out for sports on sundays, to the nearby garden, swings.

However, there’s one thing I prominently remember now. I had a doll, which often would be my mother and take me to an imaginary doctor. Sometimes, it was the daughter and I would take her to the doctor. The doctor would always be me. And I would talk myself to sleep. My brother and I would play a household and I’d ask Him to dictate dinner menus and I’d ask Him to do the masculine work and let me do the feminine tasks :)

I don’t remember having any friends. I was in a missionary girls’ school and I remember having loads of jealous girls and classmates who’d wonder why my parents, teachers, senior girls and even their parents lavished so much attention, awe and respect towards me. They were always willing to chuck me out of play groups, even when I tried to join in and after I got specs, it got all the more tough. I remember that I had lost control on urination once when I was 9.5 if I remember correctly, though there was a small course of medicine my parents got me and things were back to normal. But that might have been for other reasons now I think of it. But that’s another story. So, remaining for the next installment :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Spirtuality and Sexuality?

Interesting post I made elsewhere:

Spirituality, as understood by me, is being in harmony with your spiritual being... the quintessence of your personality and your real SELF. In the literal sense, it's about being in harmony with your spirit (some may call it soul), I prefer calling it spirit, since I still think that soul is sacrosanct ;)

So, back to what I was trying to think.... when one talks about one's spirituality, one is referring to the holistic nature of oneself:) Holistic as in the nature of self inclusive of mind, body, soul and heart !!

Now sexuality primarily has to do with the mind and the flesh. However, just like anything else, if You do not put your heart into it, it also fades down like almost all other things.... (most marriages that fade are a common example). However, something special about sexuality is the fact that at times, the bodily needs are so overwhelming that one might feel aroused even without a definite mental reason........ a possible reason for one night stands I guess(just a guess, I mean :) )

So, whilst sexuality is a carnal need in it's essence, we cannot deny the mental and the emotional aspects of it....

Now the question is..... what about the spirit?

Commonly speaking, many spiritual schools of thought believe that the soul(spirit) is encased in the body :) That means, to release the soul free there are two ways..... Either connect it to the space through the purest of all channels.... which most of the spiritual teachers and guides tend to guide forward to.... or........ break free your spirit, from the bondage of dissatisfaction.... the dissatisfaction of mind, heart as well as flesh... In fact, Orgasm has been many a times referred to the glimpse of bliss....

So, to me.... sexuality, definitely is a path to the freedom.... the liberation of the spiritual self.... Many wiccan and pagan religions actually have a sacred ritual of sex.... And, yes, for those whom it works...it surely does...

I guess, most of us, would have experienced a real calm and peace in a very satisfying relationship we have or probably had.... why? is it just the emotion? the social security? just the love? I doubt....

Would the relationship actually sustain and survive, if there was no free expression of any sort of erotica? I wonder....

Do You wonder too.........

©anu (Exploring Myself)

p.s.: This is also, something, I learnt from Delhi........ didn't explore sexuality, but did explore a spiritual cult there. That also was a big city's gift to me. Don't know if this makes some sense....

I am but a part of You

I look at the sky,
the roof so high,
spread equally over head,
hiding the cosmos shy.

I look at the earth,
the Terra firma.
spread beneath the feet,
vast hiding lava and magma.

I view the oceans,
spread vast and beyond.
with water unrestrained,
hiding... of tears and salt.... a bond!

I wonder where on this vast land...
A tiny speck like me has a stand?
I realize, I'm but everywhere,
as long as I care, as long as I share.

I'm nothing and
None the less a being divine too,
for Lord, I'm nothing,
I'm but, a part of You.



©anu (Exploring Myself)

Why?

Why do I want to be a teacher? Or is that I really want to be a teacher? The answer is Not really. I want to be an educationist. I do not want to just teach. I also want my discretion in what to teach, and how to teach. My methodology is something I want to design myself.

Also, things that are often taught in the curricula have got nothing to do with the real things that should be learnt. Rather, they should be re framed, redesigned.

Rest....later....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The Ever - Changing me.....

I have changed... over the years, over last few months, few weeks, and even in the last few days. I have changed every minute of my life. And when I look back, I realize that some phases in my life have been more formulating than the rest of them.

I have been thinking since last night how every little thing influences an individual, changing them every passing moment in their lives. The friends that were valuable once, do not have any existence in life. Those who were very respected, are now hardly remembered. Those that were deeply loved, are now almost non-existent. This includes even the nearest family.

I am surprised how drastically has my understanding of good, bad, right and wrong has changed. How easy have I become to accepting things about which I wasn't flexible earlier. I notice my parents molding similarly too, my brothers, other elders, almost everyone. And which is why, when I train those youngsters, I keep reminding them.....'This will pass too!'.....

However, there's something that's remained constant......which is my faith in GOD!

It hasn't changed over the years, rather He has helped me enhance that. God has always been around like a helping hand, a savior and a guide, mentor, friend and parent. He has brought me out from the abysses of animal consciousness, and again and again too.

He has protected me from things I feared while also teaching me how to fight them. He has taught me how to survive something as good as death. He has held me when I couldn't walk, and supported me when I limped. He carried me when I was unconscious, and I know He'll do so.....as long as....I trust Him!

I know part of it sounds like a brainwash, but I guess I have my facts straight. Time and again I've indulged myself in emotional attachments, activities which were not suitable to my basic nature, and were of almost like an animal consciousness. I still do so. And, GOD DIDN'T STOP ME!

BUT, He protected me! He saved me when I wanted Him to. He brought me out of it to a consciousness higher when I prayed Him to. And prayer wasn't begging. Prayer was a straight acknowledgment of the fact that I've been doing things I shouldn't and a pledge that I shouldn't do them again. And. that was enough to evoke His love on me.

I wonder how my language has changed. There was a time when I said God's mercy. and today, its more of God's love for me, and less of His mercy. My relationship with Him has changed just like the hole lot of other things.

Lord,

Help me develop my relationship with You,

in the direction,

that would get me closer to You and Your heart(if that exists:) ).

Help me love You,

rather than fearing You.

Help me ask for Your love,

rather than asking for Your mercy.

Make me realize that YOU ALONE are worth desiring....

worth loving my Lord!

Make Yourself the Only Existent in my life...

in all forms,

in all individuals,

in all ideas,

in everything.

Make my motto .......

"GOD ALONE"

Amen.

I'm grateful to Those who've shown me the way to this Lovely Motto. specially Gyan Mata. Help me Mother :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Irresistible Urge

Someone came home at around 10 : 45 and my mom woke me up to meet her up

and since then I've been awake, and now my mind is just restless. I had this strong urge to write, so I'm up again, blogging.

I have a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind. Right from my reflections from the classes I've been taking to the interactions and discussions with Swamiji.

Whilst I wish to write more about the classes, at the same time I also want to write more about the way the students reacted, and the way I responded to their queries....the kind of questions they asked....the ease with which they flew from my name to Ma'am...... I loved it when more than half said they wanted me to stretch the session longer, and even more when.... they said that they would like to discuss things with me personally.

I have decided that whilst I work on their personalities, their enhancements and their individual strengths and weaknesses, I'll work on mine too. Next full month is going to be dedicated to English and Communication and soft skills. I will try to imbibe in me the strengths and to remove from me the weaknesses or not so strong points that I have.

The only apprehension that I have is that I may find it very tedious, stressful and tiresome. I am already cranky by the end of the day now, and obviously the more the stress is, the worse my situation would be. The students are already expecting a lot from me, since they are looking forward to someone who can listen to them, while treating THEM as adults and mature individuals and with an attitude of a peer. They basically need an individual mentor with a blend of a senior adult and a friend, and I know how it feels. All, I can try doing is try and meditate and increase my meditating capacity so that I can help people better by becoming a better channel to the eternal and everlasting source of knowledge, love and compassion.

I had been thinking last few days, how my life is revolving around a certain place and a certain person in a very special manner. I have been visiting Swamiji for last few days, almost regularly and I love the sessions. I generally go there with questions in my mind, and I generally get my answers without even asking for them. He's just awesome in that sense.

He's been treating me differently on different days. The first day, he was polite, formal and yet showed a warmth. The second day when I want was a weekly off on the center, and yet he gave me time. The third meeting was the same evening, with Didi, where I knew he was talking to someone about something, but indirectly he was giving me answers. The immediate next day I went to him again in the evening, when he offered me a chair instead of a mat. This was almost an honor and an action odone on purpose, and he gave me a valid reason for it when I asked him about that.

The next two days were those days when I had constantly tried to go and visit him, and failed, and today again I went twice. Once in the morning, when there was the group talk, and I left from there, since he seemed to be busy in some administrative activities of the centre. Late, in the evening, I was unexpectedly late because of that unanticipated extra lecture by splitting the extra-large group of students who had wanted to attend sessions.

But, with his natural grace, ease and warmth he again gave me time, lesser today, just half an hour but he did, and when this time for the first time I asked him something serious, he answered in seeming riddles, which are crystal clear.

I know I'm going to visit him more often, trying to chant, meditate and do whatever I can. This time, I do want to speed up my spiritual journey and he says, one can choose the way one desires, loves and feels comfortable with. Nonetheless, he equally emphasises 'Samagna Saadhna'.

The only thing that I find worrying is my attatchment to certain things, people and situations which I know (for the better and logical reasons) are futile. However, I am not able to get rid of them, and today without asking how (though I wanted to)< he said himself that we aren't supposed to throw them away, just that we shouldn't indulge ourselves into them.


O Almighty Father,
I don't have words to offer in prayer today.
But, I have what you gave me,
I have that you made me.
I have what you want me to use,
and,
I offer to Thee,
Thy blessings and gifts,
as a token of submission to Your will and my destined path.

Give me strength O Lord,
so I may please You, as You desire, as You wish, and as best as You allow me to.

Amen!!!

p.s. It sounds something like..... (Kya mera hai jo aj tumhe de daalooon)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Explorations Ramblings: Part 1

Prologue:
This is a set of old posts that was on another blog of mine called the Explorations, and I have picked up the posts in the process of reducing my blog numbers to manageable.

Knowing Oneself : Unending Process Explorations about one’s reality, one’s place, one’s real identity takes a lot of effort, pain, pleasure, joy, grief, tears and smiles. The need for exploring has existence man has existed in various forms. What is however, important is that self exploration has not been left un-influenced by various factors like social and contemporary conditioning. With changing times, for different people and at different places the definition and the realization of one’s true self varies.
Again, out of many processes of self – realization, one may be suitable for a person, and not so suitable for another. What is to be understood in this case is that there is no standard or perfect way of realizing oneself, or of knowing one’s place. Also, one’s place in life consists of many aspects like, social, physical, scientific, cultural, philosophical, spiritual, psychological and emotional. So, there can be no standard as mentioned earlier. It has to be a tailor made process for each person, suited to her/his own needs. The basic requirement however, for anyone and everyone is to question, experiment, know, understand, justify and acknowledge one’s real self, and harmonize it within the living conditions.
Based on the above understanding, the girl’s task essay shall comprise of the following many sections:

p.s. this article would be part written in third person speech. Reason: it is written when this girl's mind is heavily influenced by the dynamics of Some Sci - Fi.

Explorations with Physical surroundings: Belonging to a place like India, the girl always observed women to be virtually submissive, serving in attitude and trying to lease everyone and enjoying their pleasures. Since early childhood, the girl observed that her mother served dad, family, elders of her dad’s family as per their requirements, needs and preferences. Happily satisfying her duties mom always seemed to enjoy serving the family, and for that matter even us kids.
Indian women, since early childhood, are trained to be pleasing and submissive, and the girl saw a perfect example in her mother. Though the girl’s father, mom, teachers, family and friends always wanted and expected girl to be a strong woman, in her heart she knew that she wanted to be a submissive one. She saw how her mother took decisions on behalf of her dad, and not as herself. She wanted to be the same, and this craving has been subconsciously well – embedded in girl’s mind.
Conclusion: the understanding in girl’s mind finally developed in a manner, in which a woman needs to be strong enough to decide when the deciding members of the family are not around. At the same time, she needs to be submissive and understanding enough so as to decide per preferences of people who matter and not her own whims and choices. It also gave her an understanding that a woman has to be pleasing, submissive and caring, but not an object to unnecessary vulnerability.

Experiences with Education: Taught in a Missionary girls’ school where there were no boys around, this girl remained ignorant of her womanhood and sensuality for quite long. However, she was a talented reader, writer, singer and speaker. So, away from her school, and even within it, she was very vocal, expressive and creative with words. Though her physical appearance was not too impressive, a short frame of 4’10” and spectacles with acne marked skin didn’t of course catch a lot of attention amidst, good looking, beautiful and gorgeous young women of her age, physically much more attractive.

Most of girl’s classmates had boyfriends around an age of 17-18, while girl has been a virgin till date. Reason? She always wanted to belong to her Husband (then she was not aware of the M/s dynamics) completely and honestly, without any extra attachments. Complete submission, morality and strength of character were what were taught to her. Though unaware of her sexual needs, she was pretty well aware of her sensuality and her attractive personality reflecting through her intellect, conversations and expressive creativity. Her expression always attracted people to her; however, her thought process always attracted elders more than peers.
Being a good student, and a multifaceted talented girl she always attracted mature and sincere people, which included mainly her teachers and parents. This cut her off from her own age group where probably she could have been exposed to the feminine and carnal needs of life.
After, completing her pre-school education till grade 10th, she started teaching and preparing for an entrance exam for Medical College. Constantly dropped four years and kept preparing, and every year, she kept failing the same for just a mark or two. Frustration developing out of material failures, and desire for a friend or a mentor with whom she could share herself, her feelings, her aspirations, frustrations and need for motivation kept growing all the time.
While teaching, she was teaching her immediate juniors, both guys and girls almost the same age. They used to share with this girl their problems, all sorts and all varieties, as a student would to teacher, as a younger bro or sis to an elder, as a mentee to a mentor. They probably didn’t realize that their teacher’s need to seek a mentor for herself was rising within herself, though she tried to prove a perfect guide, keeping them safe in whatever they did and however did with their partners.

At the same time, the girl kept a perfect distance and would never get involved with any student or his/her affairs directly.

There was practically a time and phase in her life, when she literally used to ask her fellow students if they could scold her as friends. She would request teachers to chastise her whenever she failed a test or scored lesser than 95%. And result? Nothing practically. People would always end up saying….”you’re mature enough. You don’t need to be scolded.” or, “Oh! C’mon you’re doing your level best. I know you’re sincere. Why should I scold you unnecessary?”

Conclusion: This phase in girl’s life taught her on one hand, that apart from good looks there’s a lot which can be found pleasing in a person. This phase gave her the honor, pride and morals that she holds. Sticking to one’s core values was what this phase taught her.
However, this phase kept her unaware of her feminine and carnal instincts. It did evolve her as a human being, but not as a woman. And, today, when the girl knows what D/s and M/s dynamics are, she can clearly see the traits of her need for domination in this phase, showing first of all.

Explorations with Religion and Philosophy: Since an early age, she was taught in her family, the ways, methods, philosophy and practices of her religion. Those practices made her realize that though in essence all living beings are spirit souls and that their “summum Bonum” is to serve God. However, the body of different people is different and to serve different purposes. She studied three basic schools of Philosophies and is putting the basics of Man-woman relations as highlighted in them respectively per their appeal and importance to her understanding.
i. Vaishnava Philosophy: A male body is by nature dominant, while a female is submissive. Hence, a female should surrender to the care, protection and guidance of a strong male with devotion. Polygyny is allowed, while polyandry isn’t. Also, the female has the responsibility of serving the Master (husband in this case) and His family.
On the other hand, the Master has the responsibility of protecting the wife, making her elevated spiritually, make her God conscious, nurture her to be a submissive and subservilient soul, inclined to please and serve elders and husband because God is pleased when a female body does this to her Husband and family’s body and that she gets blessings for the same. However, a woman is to be chaste and devoted to her husband.
Also, God is the supreme enjoyer and all souls are meant

ii. Mayavad: the impersonal philosophical school of Indian philosophy says that every soul is a part and parcel of God, and can reach to God’s status if practices certain rituals. This thought was not at all applicable to her, since it seemed like being rebellious and complaining of God, the Supreme and ultimate Enjoyer.

iii. Brief interaction with Christianity: her introduction with Christianity has been very brief, but she definitely understands the importance of submission to God’s will even there.

Conclusion: girl learnt from this aspect of her life, that her soul ultimately is God’s property, and hence she is ready to surrender only her mind, body, heart, and everything else, EXCEPT her soul. Her soul is what God, the supreme Master owns and He alone shall have it.
At the same time, the idea of male supremacy and female inferiority, so clearly visible in physical structure also fitted in morally, spiritually and religiously in place, to girl. This was the first time when she realized that her social, scientific and religious principles were more or less in harmony. This was when the girl realized her status fully in society, in whatever marriage she might enter and in her spiritual self.

Experiences within love relationships and friendships: With all these ideas, explorations, and learning, girl grew without exploring her feelings for a man. She did feel the need of one in her life, but that was more as a friend and less as the “someone special”. However, reflecting on her past life today, she feels that her first signs of submission were clearly revealed at that time. That was the time when she was preparing for pre medical examination. Hence, her repeated failures were basically making her vulnerable. Hence, the craving for a shoulder to lean on was increasing.
This was the first time, when she found a “someone special” online. She made a vanilla friend, who was a doctor. He proposed and she explained to Him clearly her real life circumstances, the current, constantly failing state of her real affairs and career. He still agreed. And a relationship began. For 2 years a relationship continued. Long distant relationship thrived through phone, emails, IM and sometimes with a cam. The cam helped them to realize the difference between a photo and the real face. They were happy. And then one fine day, the girl relocated to another town for her final attempt preparation and to study. And that was then when her beloved chose to come and meet her. He came, they met like friends, did not even touch each other, and when He left, she knew He’ll never return.
He stopped calling, the girl contacted, Him, His friends, Mutual friends, His cousins. They apologized on His behalf, and that was the first taste of whip or pain in love for this girl. It didn’t leave a welt or a bruise on her flesh, it left a permanent scar on her mind, heart and emotions.
He did not come ever again. He said He didn’t like the girl’s looks, the state of affairs she was in, and He said this when she was in a third town, all alone, with no one to support and pacify and hold her as she silently and endlessly wept. He said this in spite of the fact that He had seen the girl’s face repeatedly on cam. Despite knowing her state of affairs and the time she’ll take to settle possibly, He blamed her for being slow. And, the girl broke.
She had always wanted to surrender to that special some one completely, who would value her submission, understand the importance and value of her surrender. She hadn’t wanted a meek person being thankful and grateful. But a strong partner who wanted and demanded what was His, and then valued it as well. But, it seems her choice had been wrong.
Shattered emotionally, the girl wept for several days, changed 3 hostels and came across a spiritual cult related to Vaishnava Philosophy as discussed above. There she came to understand the difference between lust and love, and became almost paranoiac to love relationships, rather to almost any kind of relationships at all.
To help herself out of the deep depression that she had been repeatedly plunging into, after repeated confirmations of her bipolar since 2001, and without the support of ANY medication, she decided to make just casual friends. For the first time, it appeared that she needed friends. Now, since there was no school – time friendships to revive, so she had to choose and make new ones. Wherever it may be: at work, at study, or through websites. She joined some networking websites. However, result went in another direction as opposed to one she thought it would. She met wannabe friends, a whole lot who actually were flings and didn’t want real friendships.
Result: Initial frustration at not being able to find real friends. And to be able to find only 2 as against her expectations. However, those 2 are the ones that are cherished today. But, a surprising revelation of her feminity in the sense that it was for the first time in her life, when so many people treated her as a woman first rather than as a person.

Conclusion: This phase taught girl a couple of things. It revealed to her for the first time that she was a woman, capable of loving a Man (at least emotionally) and of desiring Him to be physically present around her.
Also, it revealed that there were people who were more concerned about what her body made her, rather than what her mind, talent, or attitude or learning made her.

Experiences with pleasure, pain and self – denial: Frustrated with the above series of events, the girl lurked to read love stories online for the first time. Against her usual taste for classics, science, philosophy, technology, the girl lurked for porn and erotica. However, the result was that her craving increased, and she didn’t really realize when she started Masturbating and how. Today, she knows that her way is not perfect, and she has never been able to really please herself. However, she tried to. However, she never reached an orgasm, and always ended up in tears, remembering the dead ends. She would seek for pleasure, and end up in immense emotional pain. And at the same time, those ferocious battles between the concepts of love and lust continued.
Result, she became paranoiac towards sex too. Stopped thinking, cut all online connection, avoided family, avoided friends, practically everything which wasn’t necessary for bare minimum survival. Became a workaholic, took up a job, 13-15 hrs at work, and 3-4 hrs of study during travel , and since she was staying alone she had to do chores and cook and all the rest, but she finally broke. Had a nervous breakdown, quit the job and returned home.

Conclusion: experience of pleasure with pain and vice – versa. She learnt how we enjoy thinking about things that hurt and how we’re hurt by things that we think we might enjoy.
Self – denial doesn’t help. This was another lesson this phase taught her. It frustrates even more and adds to the pile.

The self exploration has continued and shall continued even if its not shared with anyone for reasons we all know :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)