Prologue:This is a set of old posts that was on another blog of mine called the Explorations, and I have picked up the posts in the process of reducing my blog numbers to manageable.
Knowing Oneself : Unending Process Explorations about one’s reality, one’s place, one’s real identity takes a lot of effort, pain, pleasure, joy, grief, tears and smiles. The need for exploring has existence man has existed in various forms. What is however, important is that self exploration has not been left un-influenced by various factors like social and contemporary conditioning. With changing times, for different people and at different places the definition and the realization of one’s true self varies.
Again, out of many processes of self – realization, one may be suitable for a person, and not so suitable for another. What is to be understood in this case is that there is no standard or perfect way of realizing oneself, or of knowing one’s place. Also, one’s place in life consists of many aspects like, social, physical, scientific, cultural, philosophical, spiritual, psychological and emotional. So, there can be no standard as mentioned earlier. It has to be a tailor made process for each person, suited to her/his own needs. The basic requirement however, for anyone and everyone is to question, experiment, know, understand, justify and acknowledge one’s real self, and harmonize it within the living conditions.
Based on the above understanding, the girl’s task essay shall comprise of the following many sections:
p.s. this article would be part written in third person speech. Reason: it is written when this girl's mind is heavily influenced by the dynamics of Some Sci - Fi.
Explorations with Physical surroundings: Belonging to a place like India, the girl always observed women to be virtually submissive, serving in attitude and trying to lease everyone and enjoying their pleasures. Since early childhood, the girl observed that her mother served dad, family, elders of her dad’s family as per their requirements, needs and preferences. Happily satisfying her duties mom always seemed to enjoy serving the family, and for that matter even us kids.
Indian women, since early childhood, are trained to be pleasing and submissive, and the girl saw a perfect example in her mother. Though the girl’s father, mom, teachers, family and friends always wanted and expected girl to be a strong woman, in her heart she knew that she wanted to be a submissive one. She saw how her mother took decisions on behalf of her dad, and not as herself. She wanted to be the same, and this craving has been subconsciously well – embedded in girl’s mind.
Conclusion: the understanding in girl’s mind finally developed in a manner, in which a woman needs to be strong enough to decide when the deciding members of the family are not around. At the same time, she needs to be submissive and understanding enough so as to decide per preferences of people who matter and not her own whims and choices. It also gave her an understanding that a woman has to be pleasing, submissive and caring, but not an object to unnecessary vulnerability.
Experiences with Education: Taught in a Missionary girls’ school where there were no boys around, this girl remained ignorant of her womanhood and sensuality for quite long. However, she was a talented reader, writer, singer and speaker. So, away from her school, and even within it, she was very vocal, expressive and creative with words. Though her physical appearance was not too impressive, a short frame of 4’10” and spectacles with acne marked skin didn’t of course catch a lot of attention amidst, good looking, beautiful and gorgeous young women of her age, physically much more attractive.
Most of girl’s classmates had boyfriends around an age of 17-18, while girl has been a virgin till date. Reason? She always wanted to belong to her Husband (then she was not aware of the M/s dynamics) completely and honestly, without any extra attachments. Complete submission, morality and strength of character were what were taught to her. Though unaware of her sexual needs, she was pretty well aware of her sensuality and her attractive personality reflecting through her intellect, conversations and expressive creativity. Her expression always attracted people to her; however, her thought process always attracted elders more than peers.
Being a good student, and a multifaceted talented girl she always attracted mature and sincere people, which included mainly her teachers and parents. This cut her off from her own age group where probably she could have been exposed to the feminine and carnal needs of life.
After, completing her pre-school education till grade 10th, she started teaching and preparing for an entrance exam for Medical College. Constantly dropped four years and kept preparing, and every year, she kept failing the same for just a mark or two. Frustration developing out of material failures, and desire for a friend or a mentor with whom she could share herself, her feelings, her aspirations, frustrations and need for motivation kept growing all the time.
While teaching, she was teaching her immediate juniors, both guys and girls almost the same age. They used to share with this girl their problems, all sorts and all varieties, as a student would to teacher, as a younger bro or sis to an elder, as a mentee to a mentor. They probably didn’t realize that their teacher’s need to seek a mentor for herself was rising within herself, though she tried to prove a perfect guide, keeping them safe in whatever they did and however did with their partners.
At the same time, the girl kept a perfect distance and would never get involved with any student or his/her affairs directly.
There was practically a time and phase in her life, when she literally used to ask her fellow students if they could scold her as friends. She would request teachers to chastise her whenever she failed a test or scored lesser than 95%. And result? Nothing practically. People would always end up saying….”you’re mature enough. You don’t need to be scolded.” or, “Oh! C’mon you’re doing your level best. I know you’re sincere. Why should I scold you unnecessary?”
Conclusion: This phase in girl’s life taught her on one hand, that apart from good looks there’s a lot which can be found pleasing in a person. This phase gave her the honor, pride and morals that she holds. Sticking to one’s core values was what this phase taught her.
However, this phase kept her unaware of her feminine and carnal instincts. It did evolve her as a human being, but not as a woman. And, today, when the girl knows what D/s and M/s dynamics are, she can clearly see the traits of her need for domination in this phase, showing first of all.
Explorations with Religion and Philosophy: Since an early age, she was taught in her family, the ways, methods, philosophy and practices of her religion. Those practices made her realize that though in essence all living beings are spirit souls and that their “summum Bonum” is to serve God. However, the body of different people is different and to serve different purposes. She studied three basic schools of Philosophies and is putting the basics of Man-woman relations as highlighted in them respectively per their appeal and importance to her understanding.
i.
Vaishnava Philosophy: A male body is by nature dominant, while a female is submissive. Hence, a female should surrender to the care, protection and guidance of a strong male with devotion. Polygyny is allowed, while polyandry isn’t. Also, the female has the responsibility of serving the Master (husband in this case) and His family.
On the other hand, the Master has the responsibility of protecting the wife, making her elevated spiritually, make her God conscious, nurture her to be a submissive and subservilient soul, inclined to please and serve elders and husband because God is pleased when a female body does this to her Husband and family’s body and that she gets blessings for the same. However, a woman is to be chaste and devoted to her husband.
Also, God is the supreme enjoyer and all souls are meant
ii.
Mayavad: the impersonal philosophical school of Indian philosophy says that every soul is a part and parcel of God, and can reach to God’s status if practices certain rituals. This thought was not at all applicable to her, since it seemed like being rebellious and complaining of God, the Supreme and ultimate Enjoyer.
iii.
Brief interaction with Christianity: her introduction with Christianity has been very brief, but she definitely understands the importance of submission to God’s will even there.
Conclusion: girl learnt from this aspect of her life, that her soul ultimately is God’s property, and hence she is ready to surrender only her mind, body, heart, and everything else, EXCEPT her soul. Her soul is what God, the supreme Master owns and He alone shall have it.
At the same time, the idea of male supremacy and female inferiority, so clearly visible in physical structure also fitted in morally, spiritually and religiously in place, to girl. This was the first time when she realized that her social, scientific and religious principles were more or less in harmony. This was when the girl realized her status fully in society, in whatever marriage she might enter and in her spiritual self.
Experiences within love relationships and friendships: With all these ideas, explorations, and learning, girl grew without exploring her feelings for a man. She did feel the need of one in her life, but that was more as a friend and less as the “someone special”. However, reflecting on her past life today, she feels that her first signs of submission were clearly revealed at that time. That was the time when she was preparing for pre medical examination. Hence, her repeated failures were basically making her vulnerable. Hence, the craving for a shoulder to lean on was increasing.
This was the first time, when she found a “someone special” online. She made a vanilla friend, who was a doctor. He proposed and she explained to Him clearly her real life circumstances, the current, constantly failing state of her real affairs and career. He still agreed. And a relationship began. For 2 years a relationship continued. Long distant relationship thrived through phone, emails, IM and sometimes with a cam. The cam helped them to realize the difference between a photo and the real face. They were happy. And then one fine day, the girl relocated to another town for her final attempt preparation and to study. And that was then when her beloved chose to come and meet her. He came, they met like friends, did not even touch each other, and when He left, she knew He’ll never return.
He stopped calling, the girl contacted, Him, His friends, Mutual friends, His cousins. They apologized on His behalf, and that was the first taste of whip or pain in love for this girl. It didn’t leave a welt or a bruise on her flesh, it left a permanent scar on her mind, heart and emotions.
He did not come ever again. He said He didn’t like the girl’s looks, the state of affairs she was in, and He said this when she was in a third town, all alone, with no one to support and pacify and hold her as she silently and endlessly wept. He said this in spite of the fact that He had seen the girl’s face repeatedly on cam. Despite knowing her state of affairs and the time she’ll take to settle possibly, He blamed her for being slow. And, the girl broke.
She had always wanted to surrender to that special some one completely, who would value her submission, understand the importance and value of her surrender. She hadn’t wanted a meek person being thankful and grateful. But a strong partner who wanted and demanded what was His, and then valued it as well. But, it seems her choice had been wrong.
Shattered emotionally, the girl wept for several days, changed 3 hostels and came across a spiritual cult related to Vaishnava Philosophy as discussed above. There she came to understand the difference between lust and love, and became almost paranoiac to love relationships, rather to almost any kind of relationships at all.
To help herself out of the deep depression that she had been repeatedly plunging into, after repeated confirmations of her bipolar since 2001, and without the support of ANY medication, she decided to make just casual friends. For the first time, it appeared that she needed friends. Now, since there was no school – time friendships to revive, so she had to choose and make new ones. Wherever it may be: at work, at study, or through websites. She joined some networking websites. However, result went in another direction as opposed to one she thought it would. She met wannabe friends, a whole lot who actually were flings and didn’t want real friendships.
Result: Initial frustration at not being able to find real friends. And to be able to find only 2 as against her expectations. However, those 2 are the ones that are cherished today. But, a surprising revelation of her feminity in the sense that it was for the first time in her life, when so many people treated her as a woman first rather than as a person.
Conclusion: This phase taught girl a couple of things. It revealed to her for the first time that she was a woman, capable of loving a Man (at least emotionally) and of desiring Him to be physically present around her.
Also, it revealed that there were people who were more concerned about what her body made her, rather than what her mind, talent, or attitude or learning made her.
Experiences with pleasure, pain and self – denial: Frustrated with the above series of events, the girl lurked to read love stories online for the first time. Against her usual taste for classics, science, philosophy, technology, the girl lurked for porn and erotica. However, the result was that her craving increased, and she didn’t really realize when she started Masturbating and how. Today, she knows that her way is not perfect, and she has never been able to really please herself. However, she tried to. However, she never reached an orgasm, and always ended up in tears, remembering the dead ends. She would seek for pleasure, and end up in immense emotional pain. And at the same time, those ferocious battles between the concepts of love and lust continued.
Result, she became paranoiac towards sex too. Stopped thinking, cut all online connection, avoided family, avoided friends, practically everything which wasn’t necessary for bare minimum survival. Became a workaholic, took up a job, 13-15 hrs at work, and 3-4 hrs of study during travel , and since she was staying alone she had to do chores and cook and all the rest, but she finally broke. Had a nervous breakdown, quit the job and returned home.
Conclusion: experience of pleasure with pain and vice – versa. She learnt how we enjoy thinking about things that hurt and how we’re hurt by things that we think we might enjoy.
Self – denial doesn’t help. This was another lesson this phase taught her. It frustrates even more and adds to the pile.
The self exploration has continued and shall continued even if its not shared with anyone for reasons we all know :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
