The Memoirs of a Geisha

Ok, so another 5hours down the day and I managed to read a soft copy of the book titled above. When I started, I was wondering what would it be, but by the time I finished it, I was glad I managed to read it. I had once heard, or may be read in some editorial somewhere (I need to believe that I have started forgetting minute details henceforth). So, getting back to the original thought, I once read - ' It is said that The Japanese Geisha can even take away and ease the pain of a Man's Soul' That was the day, when I first got curious about who and what a geisha was. But, then I formed a high opinion of it.

It was some odd 10-15 days ago that a friend gifted me with a soft copy of the book and I read it three ( ? )OK, 3-4 days ago. And today I re-read it quickly again in the evening later. I must admit, it did drive me off to google more about Geiko, Geisha and the culture, which I finished doing just before posting this note.

The culture **IS** soothing. It's almost spiritual, though its setting might not be. While to begin with, the girls might have been sold into prostitution and yes, there's the dark side of sold sexual slavery (legal on top), there however, is also an enthralling and detailed glimpse into how different prostitution is from being a Geisha and how a 'mistress' and a Geisha are different as well.

The Plot is simple - two sisters sold to a brothel, one kept to be a geisha, another ends up like a prostitute. The one training to be a Geisha, meets a popular Geisha in the house she stays and is trampled over by the senior Geisha, till her prospects are hopeless and she runs off to find her sister lured under a trap. Lucky to find the sister, they plan to succeed, while all that happens is that the girl is discovered and her Geisha training is stopped completely, for she cannot be trusted to make fortune any longer.

Through an unforeseen turn of events, Chiyo-chan's training restarts under a 'successful' Geisha till she becomes Sayuri, to have her old friend turned against her, her prospectives ruined, her mizuage raising a fortune and her being adopted as the daughter of the house to become 'Nitta Sayuri'.

How through the stumbles of her life Chiyo-chan, now Nitta Sayuri, survives war, survives one Danna (honestly only a horny and pot-bellied general, I imagined him to be, nothing better ) and another want to be Danna till she finds that her old friend now is revengeful and spoils her prospects with the Man she wanted as her Danna.

Hope finally returns to Geisha when she discovers that her desired Danna has discovered her devotion to him, and that the only man who knew her both as Chiyo-chan and Sayuri is finally about to embrace her for ever. She spends happy years after a financial arrangement is made by her now Danna with her Home, for sometime. After this, she decides to open a tea-house in the America, for she wants her Danna's family and daughters happy and married, while staying out of their way.

***********************************************

Now, like I said above, the plot is nothing extraordinary. The setting a little, but the most extraordinary are the insights and the statements along with the author's observations (the novel is autobiographic in narration). The realization that a tea-ceremony could be as serene as a worship ritual for a Geisha. That there were beautiful Geisha, popular ones and the successful ones. How sccess and popularity differ and what really means to be a Geisha. How tough the path is, but if you succeed, how rewarding too. On the other hand, how it can be completely destructive as well.

What I liked pointedly were two things:

* It's correlation with D/s lifestyle without mention of kink or over mention of sex and,

* The realization that spirituality is not in the act you perform but the spirit you perform it with.

And of course, a realization of how privileged I was in one way to enjoy a life of such luxury. And at the same time, how deprived, without the cultural upbringing that certain women manage to get (even when I pride myself for all that I know, in terms of art and activity as compared to many others).

And then, to top it all, was the realization that what I actually was being, was a competitive person, while a Geisha (in spirit, rather than dress and acts she performs - both sexual and non-sexual) cannot exist without humility and support from other Geisha :)

Long post? not sure, just a few reflections though:)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Writers' Block

So, I had this writers' block for last few months. Now let's see...2months 23 days technically, and approximately four months to be non-technical but close to accurate.

Reasons? Oh Loads!

1. I went through a series of depressive phases, the last one ending some 20 days ago.
2. I went through a hell lot of emotional and sentimental instability, both generated by and generating the depression
3. I was busy 'trying' to study for exams.
4. I was busy writing exams with moderate or low preparation, but apparently performing OK-ish. I am expecting an OK-ish percentage, but I'm hoping that it would be more than the bare minimum required for further studies after M.A.
5. After I finished my exams, I gradually started coming out of the stress, depression and to my shock realized that my skin was full of marks, (the psychosomatic indication of my stress, other than sleep and eating irregularities).
6. 6 Last 18-20 days, I've been hyper-maniac, sleeping only on an average 3-4 hrs a day in total. Except two days - when I slept 16 and 12 at a stretch respectively.
7. I also joined a couple of hobby classes, which should (assuming I don't bunk), keep me busy for around 10 hours a day, including the travel time.
8. Last few days, I've been thinking like hell and reading as well, along with scribbling loose notes, as if my tail's on fire. However, putting everything down sequentially hasn't been happening for quite some time.
9. Something finally happened last night that got me out of this block and I'm glad to have gotten rid of it. (content sigh)

So long, till then. (I have to figure out this usage. Do we use these two phrases together? Anyone who's aware, please be kind to share with me too)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

18-27 - Part 2

There happened two good things in 2006 when I was 22. One, I found a proper job, a structured framework, an organization, sense of competition revoked, against my colleagues. This job returned a bit of my self-esteem. This also made me socialize though only a little bit and also made me feel competitive and needy to perform. I was the best performer as a trainee for two months as well as an employee once I hit the floor actually, for another two months. In these four months, with unrestricted internet access, I re-discovered my love for reading.

The first book I read then was- Gone with the wind in a total of 8 hours, skipping my breaks, requesting extra shift from my manager and what not. Then I read Jane Eyre and other books by the Bronte sisters. And by the time I was four month old in an organization, working on a salary of 10 K bucks and the youngest employee and also one of the best performers across the organization, I realized, this wasn’t where I belonged to.

I submitted my resignation which wasn't accepted. I waited two days, let my salary be credited, swiped my account clear and left the job, gone! Vanished, declared absconding (thankfully this doesn't cause ground for legal action in India). I came back home, got enrolled in an off-campus graduate program in humanities and against all odds and ends and voices of sanity chose philosophy, English literature and political science(for the lack of a better available third optional)

In the first year of my graduation I scored 75 percent marks in philosophy (something that had become for me a rare commodity). There were extra papers in environmental science, computers, compulsory English. I fared well in all of them. I managed a decent 60 something in English, 50 or something in political studies.

The second year was better, I went to Delhi again to work in a reputed MNC this time to earn enormous amounts as salary but four months later the job started taking heavy toll on me. What with 12 hours of days shift and 14 hours of night. No time to study, no leaves in the peripheral vision for examination. I quit, came back, studied for second year exams, and got 79 percent in Phil. and some average 50 percent something in English and Pol. Studies.

In the third and the final year, I joined a private Engineering college in my own town as a faculty for spoken English. The salary was a mere four thousand, but I was once again in my comfort zone. I was teaching again, content, happy, very much at peace with myself, at home within the campus and with the rest of the staff. I was the only female out there amidst all boys (students) and men (teachers). But six months later, we shifted our home to a place farther off. The change was welcome; I now had a room for myself. My personal space was better than earlier. I didn’t have to share a room with my younger brothers. But, I had to quit my job because my travel time increased to double and so did the fare.

It was also around this time, that I finally ended up in a long distance relationship with a Dominant Man in USA. And by the time the term ended, I was with an average of 83 in philosophy, and decent 60 something crossed in the other two subjects. I was happy, successful in terms of my degree and was a student of a very reputed institute, preparing for an MBA entrance exam, when I fell into my annual depression phase.

Once into it, I sat completely home locked, not wanting to go out anywhere, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to meet anyone. And then one fine day, I got a call from the institute and I was offered a trainer’s post there for communicative and spoken English. Once again, I was in my comfort zone. And then I was given the responsibility to teach the language section for the same exam that I was writing.

I was eventually given classes with the same batch as that of my fellow students and surprisingly they co-operated too well with me and it went fine. I was enrolled in an M.A. program and an executive MBA simultaneously. Eventually I discovered that I am not a corporate person and that it is only teaching that I have truly loved, after I gave up on trying being a doctor. So, I gave up on the MBA as well as the job and kept only to the MA degree. But two months before the exams I got cold feet and gave up on that too. So, one full year dropped again. I then finally stayed at home for another 8 months, working for small amounts, tit-bits, occasional classes, not studying, just thinking, making futile plans and doing nothing before I found some very supportive friends emotionally and morally and finally my current job.

It was also in these last four and a half years that I discovered lifestyle, could place my thoughts, orientations in place, get a perspective that whatever need for control I had in my routine life was not something weird but had a name for itself. It was in the last year that I also found a real group of people in India who follow different sorts of unconventional lifestyles and do not judge people. It was the past one year when I explored the possibilities of embracing my true nature as a person. It was however, around a month ago that I also found my mentor after a long series of faltering, failings, psycho-somatic illnesses, fractures and what not.

I know I have a whole life ahead of me. I also know I will fall, make mistakes, get hurt, but I also know I will survive, especially now that I have a strong support system.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

18-27 - Part 1

So, I was already 18, when I left school, nothing unusual there though. Except for the fact that my loner nature had already been established. I had already been subconsciously declared as a nerd, loner, multi-faceted and multi-talented individual with a sort of solitude and loneliness prominently visible. It was also, assumed that I was at peace with my being alone. There were germs of poetry. Literature and yet a desire to be a doctor and study medicine and psychiatry (eventually). But with failures creeping in on facts like having to quit math, lack of fee to pay for costly coaching classes.

I dropped four years to prepare for my pre medical entrance exam. I joined a graduate program once in the mean while, a B.Sc. in Biology. But gave it up. It wasn’t my place. I liked going to college, using library but I hated the batch mates, It was during these four years that my best friend of 7 years ditched me, by saying to her parents that I was the one who was being stalked by some guys (who actually were stalking me). These four years made me realize that honesty is the best policy, since my parents would know everything about me, my activities, my whereabouts.

It was the beginning of these four years that my life went through fire and flames and came out as something entirely different. I was re-diagnosed thrice with my depression and ALWAYS, I refused to take medication. It was the beginning of these four years that I was exposed to yahoo (by my younger brother) and the later part of these years that I bought my first mobile phone. But there’s something much more important (wrong usage I know), that I discovered.

It was - I started teaching. I taught students who were my immediate juniors. I taught senior school physics, chemistry, biology, because I wanted to learn. I knew I’d never be able to afford money enough to go and prepare for entrances outside my town. My town didn’t have good institutes till then. I had no friends, most of those who were with me got into engineering (the ratio of engg seats to medical being something like 12000 to 600 that time if I remember correctly). I didn’t have friends to discuss study with. I didn’t know which books to read, what depth to probe into and I took up teaching as an obvious and a clear solution to problems like these.

I remember the students’ parents would ask me – you’re so young. And I’d politely reply – I know, but what matters is my command on the subject. I was amazing with theory, especially physics, which I knew that I could never ever study again because I did not study Math in grade 12. My students would score well, even clear competitive exams, while I would year after year not succeed. The best I’d do was to fall short by a single mark, or to get a payment seat, or to be able to join something like a self-sponsored dentistry.

It was these four years however, when one of my teachers tried to seduce me, another wanted to lay me around and 2 batchmates disgusted me to no end, with their grossly materialistic and carnal proposals without even a twinge of feeling (Back then, I was EXCESSIVELY conventional, VERY stubborn and greatly judgmental). It was within these four years that I found the first love of my life (who later dumped me because he realized I’m not a would-be doctor anymore and that I do not look as beautiful as in the pics. And this after telling his whole family that he wanted to marry me. Funny, ain’t it? :)

But on the other hand, in 2005, amidst all this drama and lackluster life, I found a friend in a biology chat room in yahoo then. This was one of the first people who molded my life. Extremely intelligent, highly accomplished, pure in spirit and amazingly understanding, this Man (7 years elder to me?) brought me to an understanding of myself. He questioned me, probed me, made me think, answer his questions. He helped me explore much of the unexplored me. He helped me deal with what was negative, to encourage in myself what was positive. We met once and then lost contact. Ani, I still miss you :)

It was in these four years (towards the end) that I managed to save money, shift to Delhi for coaching and met my best friend till date, my best supporter of last 5 years and my current employer. We had a common friend introduce me. So, the last 6 months of my last drop, this friend introduced me to ISKCON, where I could find exactly the same reasoning as the one I had, exactly similar things as subjects of discussion like they were at Home. ISKCON was a home away from home.

I wrote my final attempt, did not succeed, took up a call centre job and decided I didn’t want to study further. This is when I turned 22, with a heart break, a broken friendship, a total of 2 seducing attempts, 2 disgusting offers, a long history of failures already, future bleak. I guess, I cannot cover this duration all in one go, so I will write a sequel to this section.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Back to Positive again

So, after I've vented off all my steam, my suppressed anger, my frustration at being insulted when I made all sincere effort to respect others, I'm much light. I needed to release myself from the emotional stress I create for myself. It's high time that I come to terms with my anger and accept that being angry is as natural an emotion as is being loving. It's time, I stop letting people treat me like a punch bag, whether in a good way or a bad one.

So, let me try and think of some positive things to happen, possibly or definitely.

• My work is going OK.
• My salary was in my account in time, decent amount.
• My studies will begin soon by the end of December fully.
• My manager / best friend promises that He will support me in every manner till exams, if I can really trust him and then will take me off to Singapore in April, once I'm done with exams, to be able to earn loads and of course I can come back again for M.A. Final exams and preparation. I can even get a PR there, if I can stick around. Two years of work there, the work profile on my resume, the options of career, studies, family finances everything is going to fall in place though this DOES mean that I will for now have to give up on JNU/IIM.
• I have started jewelery making class and am doing well at it. As usual, a student that makes her teacher smile :)

Now, let me try and list down a few very important priorities:

• Working sincerely
• Supporting my Mentor in His guidance of me, with full devotion and commitment, no matter how many things/people/events distract me, no matter how many times, I might fail.
• Keeping up with my art work
• Studying once work is low.
• Applying for a passport.
• Save money.
• Updating the list as and when explored.

That's all I guess for now.

Anu

Creativity on multiple fronts?

So, here's what I recently made. Why? I do not know. I have this stupid character trait of channelizing my energy away from the negativity. Specially when the negativity tends to seep in from every nook and corner of my life. Through my eyes, when I see things and people;through my ears, when I hear them; through my nose, when I smell the fragrances that take me to nostalgia; through the touches, both craved for, and shirked away from; through the tastes of things that were pleasant in past and unpleasant later. My own words taste bitter on my tongue, my heart years for solace and my eyes are sore from crying.

What do I do at such times? Usually I wallow, I weep, cry, scream silently in agony, ending up hurting myself. This time, I decided to be different. I decided to take up a new hobby, add some sense of self worth to myself and my life. And the pictures are just the first day/first sample/first gift to one of my beloved friends, whom I gifted another set exactly identical to this one :)

Some people think, I'm unstable, unreliable, gullible, multi-talented but vastly distracted. I do not know if you believe in Horoscopes and astrology, but for those who do, my start-chart makes me such. I am not using this as an excuse. I DO try hard to focus, I really do. But, I usually function best when I multi-task. Is being myself (even if it means being weak, gullible, distracted, but my own self nonetheless), so so bad?

I do not know, but for now I bask in the glory of everything I do :) even if it's about making pearl strings.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

9-18

Before I continue from 9-18, I guess, there’s something more from the zero-nine phase that comes to my mind.

I am told I was a violent kid with loads of anger. I would throw objects, I would be nasty, throw tantrums, but there was one thing I NEVER did – I never tore books. They were unconsciously sacred to me.

It was around 9 and a half years of my age, when I had my ma give birth to my youngest brother. Dad had to shift his focus from me to the one younger to me, what with his bad health, his, the new baby in the family, increasing financial expenses, shortage of space. We have practically spent some 15 years of our life in a single room and another ten in the main room and another rented in some or the other nearby location. Things started changing. I was happy and yet more and more fierce. My studies shot up in terms of scores and performance. Perhaps it was the competitive threat I subconsciously felt from the younger brother, or maybe it was the need for all that attention I missed from parents which was now channelized to the tuitions that dad would give and my youngest brother.

We were living with our aunt and uncle who stayed close by at that juncture in time. So, mostly our food would be cooked together and mom and aunt would take care of the baby, while dad would spend time with both of us. But I do remember that I was very possessive of my baby bro (I still am in some ways) and had fought the whole family once when it came to just a superficial talk of my uncle and aunt(who do not have any children, biological or adopted) adopting the child. I fought tooth and nail, hurt my father physically and made Him write on a paper with a one rupee stamp sticking to it that He would never give away any of his kids.

A childish tantrum though it may seem, the fact displays that I was never an easy to give away kid. I was always fiercely possessive. My younger brother and I had loads of issues between us. We would fight; he would give in or else fight back depending on his mood and the thing/object/privilege in question.

But there was this so prominent trait – We would never let an outsider speak in between. NEVER!!! We would always end up giving that same thing to the other which we’d been nastily fighting about. We’d always hug and apply ointment on the bite marks we’d caused.

But two years after this happened, I heard one of my classmates reciting a poem she’d composed herself and I was suddenly – competitive. I was in grade 6, around 12 and a half, suddenly realizing that if ‘this’ was what writing poetry was about, I could do it so much more better and I started writing. I continued wonderful marks, amazing poems (according to the age I was), played harmonium wonderfully well, leading all choirs in school, sang beautifully at devotional gatherings of up to 1000 people, was a good speaker-debater, orator, interested in art, literature, language, music, academics. Everything was perfect. Except a weird sort of loneliness that was slowly engulfing all of me.

I gradually started drifting away from the world around me, more into my own little corner. I wouldn’t go with other girls in lunch – time, I wouldn’t talk to many people, I anyways didn’t have a huge peer group I had just 3 friends from all grade 7 to grade 10. I would take additional responsibilities in school and yet try to be invisible. All I would care about was, what does my teacher think of me? What do I do? How do I perform? And, whether I am acceptable or not. Without anyone actually telling me that they had expectations from me, I started striving to fulfill expectations I thought they had (perhaps because when I’d be around them they’d talk of me in high terms treating as if I didn’t exist there, not realizing that there was vanity gradually creeping in which I would cover with my modesty). It wasn’t exactly vanity, nor was it purely modesty. It was a bizarre concoction of - being praised, wanting to defend that position, pride creeping in and a full realization to keep that pride toned down, because I knew pride is not a good thing.

And, I feel I missed the true carefree childhood. By an age of 14, my personality started showing deeply disturbing traits (which others either did not notice or else didn’t care to notice). I started showing perfect loner traits. I stopped talking to family about anything I felt/dealt-with in school. I would still talk about events, but never feelings. I would talk about successes, but never about failures. I was on surface same, but deep down more shelled up more withdrawn. I had a world of my own in which I had imaginary elder siblings who’d keep my training in regime, be firm with me, non-patronizing and yet caring and loving. In my imaginary world, I had no parents, my teachers and siblings were same and the education I received was holistic, though some of it I did not like. At the same time what had also changed was my biological development. With hormones in play, physiology changing, my emotions started becoming very pessimistic. My tendency to feel pain and think it was there, only because I deserved it, started growing.

Finally, it started reflecting as a psychosomatic problem in the form of dermatological issues. I started visiting a dermatologist. He treated me for two years, the medicines and steroids in turn causing other side effects, before he finally asked me to visit a psychiatrist. I denied and said that I needed a psychologist. He gave me a counseling session. However, results kept going down as compared to what they always had been, my irritability about my dad teaching my batch mates as a tutor and my feelings of comparison and loneliness kept on constantly increasing. A series of failures started and no one could understand why? Not even myself. I would blame parents, brothers, feel cheated, deprived of basic things like personal space, friendships. The single friend I made in standard 7 did stay my friend thus far.

In grade 11, I opted science with biology and maths as optional subjects only to discover that EVERY student in my class was going to extra tuition other than me. I constantly kept on failing in one or the other term exams and eventually I gave up Mathematics. I decided that I would never want to be an engg so I did not need math and I knew enough math to deal with physics and chemistry. I did not realize that I was closing my options to study physics too.

It was towards the end of the 11^th grade and in the second half of my 17^th year that I went to a psychiatrist for a project I did in biology and he diagnosed me. Asked me to conduct a meeting with my mother and explained to her that I was suffering from clinical depression, recommended me medication. However at that time, my relationship with my parents was perhaps as strained as it ever could be and it actually continued till an age of 22. My irritability increasing, my violence revealing on objects (thank God, I’ve never really hurt an individual except with words, and yes, I am not proud but I know I can really hurt bad :( ) But so far till 18, which was till I passed grade 12, these circumstances prevailed. Dwindling between successes in my performance in writing, literature and stage, grades dwindled from above average to good. And I passed school, left it with a few awards added to my already huge collection.

The remaining I guess, shall be in the next installment.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Up and about and running

This post is only to let everyone know that inspite of everything else, I'm neither dumb, not weak. I have not and will not do anything stupid and you can all (if you are) stop fretting. However, those on the automatic mailer-list of this blog, please do not take it personally, if my posts stop coming to Your in-boxes. For I will be changing a few settings from here.

Regards and well wishes to everyone.

A

Have I changed?

So, last few weeks, I've been very busy, cranky and a lot of other things. Last few weeks were a roller coaster. I was travelling to Delhi, visiting friends, staying in a wonderful University campus, meeting relatives, reliving some of my past, collecting my work laptop from my employer and my best friend of last five years and doing what not. In fact I met two of my online acquaintances too - One was someone I knew for last 3 years and another, whom I had interacted for a little while.

I did finally accept a mentor to help me through. I spoke with someone whom I really like and I think I even love. He asks me to take it slow and steady and in a matured way and that makes perfect sense to me.I suffered from a severe pms and a depressive phase, and then small phases of constant working for 40 hours, 50 hours and god knows how long. Went completely spiritual for a little while and became absolutely agnostic and atheistic with complete lack of compassion for another few.

So, pretty much a huge energy swing that I've been riding took me through the high's and low's. But the best part is that I do NOT regret any moment of this. I do not feel sad about even my sadness. It was good to feel cranky and yet be able to engross myself into work so deeply (at least for some time) that I could practically forget about everything else.

I've finally got a good job and I hope and pray it sticks for some time, but I guess I'll have to return to this space again for some time and back to journaling the minute details of my day to day life and also observe the changes.

But whilst I've been going through all these roller coaster phases, one thing that I've realised is that I've changed. I've changed in the way I think, the way I behave, the way I deal with people.

I am still the same maternal Mother Teresa kind of woman (he he:P) but the best part is that most of the times, I don't over worry or get over-concerned. Most times, I try to see the situation as distantly as I can, keep myself as detached as I can and yet try to help people around me, in my own small ways.

Yes I do commit mistakes, I do bitch about things, I do complain, fret, be nasty. But NEVER have I intended to harm or cheat someone. This IS something I'm really really proud of.

I do not know what exactly has changed, but I d sense the growth and the development and the change and the evolution (Or devolution for that matter.)

Lord,

I pray to Thee,

give me the spirit,

the strength

and the peaceful serenity,

to accept the changes around me,

with all serenity and peace and

understand what Your motives behind them may be.

So that,

I may be a true instrument for Your purpose,

whatever it might me.

This I ask in Your pure name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Teaching and Me

Last two months (?) or may be one, since I decided I will not write CAT again, at least not in near future of some 3-5 years, I have been emptying my head time and again and looking and delving deep down in it. I realized, I need a break fro almost everything and need to find out what I really love doing. What I'm really passionate about?

It could be someone that was a part of my old life, something that's new only because I haven't tried it, or something that I have no clues about. So, it could also involve looking for a blind spot, that I do not know about.

And, then I realized it for the 1000th time in life - I love teaching!!!

So, scheduling and organizing everything in my life so as to be able to teach very soon :) ASAP :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Uncluttered Life

So, I finally uncluttered a lot of things in last 3 days. Life, thoughts, book-shelves, room and head:P My book-shelves have more books, but more organised and those that are contributing to something. The rest are all packed and away.

My life has fewer friends than past, but those that are worth it, and some of them -do- receive my blog posts in their mails. They might have set me for block though, am not sure :)

My relationships are much smoother and less confusing, commitment shifts happening, in terms of friends as well as valued people. I see and observe people being unable to get over, unable to move on, people who crib, whine, pout because they didn't get what they needed and wanted. The more important word here is want. And then I dislike them and end up disliking them.

When I wrote my post on 'My Name is Khan' I had to an extent realized that I was also being a whiny and a pouty mean bitch, but today I realized that being a whiny cribber was my past.

I am proud of my decisions and am glad I took them in-spite of all my dilemma, and in spite of all the hurt it caused to me. It does not matter what people think about it and how do they react to it. Honestly, it just doesn't affect me anymore.

So, back to uncluttering,this shows that I have uncluttered my heart of many emotional entanglements that were bonds of strength at one time and negative bonds at another. Today I feel so cleansed, free and pure. Not because of who I am in my real, physical life, but because I am learning to respect myself for who I am and because I've covered one more step closer to that :)

For now, back to studies!!! :) But, before that,

Lord,

Give me strength,
not to fight others,
but,
to fight myself..
And,
come out a Victorious winner.

I know Lord,
The winner stands alone,
but grant me the grace,
to share the victory,
so that I may be with loved ones,
and those too, who do not love me.

Grant me the power to love,
unconditionally.
And Lord,
make this unconditional love mean to me,
something that I can share without discrimination.

In Other words Lord,

Make me an instrument of Your peace and Love.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Journal Update

I'm breaking the sequence in between from my posts today. Not because, I can't think of anything to write about those remaining 2 C's, but probably because this is something that's been keeping me mentally occupied for some time now.

However, defeating materialistically, it might be, the fact is I love the feel that now I'll have weekends too, without going to the University, and..........Most Importantly.......... I'll be able to write and blog and think regularly.

Also, what immensely pleases me is that I've joined the gym. Whoops!!! I love the thought of venting out all my frustration on the machines now, by working out more when I'm extra frustrated and balanced when I just want to keep myself toned up and ready.

I will also be able to write poetry, stories, and all the hell lot of things. I'll be able to read about the world's classic poets and authors and learn a thing or two about and from them!! God! How easy do I feel. I wonder if this weekend business was actually suffocating me.

I just love the feel :

Liberated :D

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

14.06.09 And 15.06.09

I have been excessively preoccupied with settling up the work situation and the regular study and chanting patterns.
I am happy God has finally made it work for me, and I have a decent source and a job, even if part time, and that's as of now a great support for me.

Yesterday I chanted 4 rounds again, and I'm glad, God made me do that too, and I also studied.

I know I sound like obsessed with the thought....God gave me this, God gave me that, and blah blah........but...... This is true, and no matter how much I might want to emphasize it, I'll never be able to do it enough...........GOD DOES IT! HE'S ALWAYS WITH US!

I read Khalid Housseini.... A Thousand Splendid Sons ..... for the second time last night, and I was surprised the way it moved me, and the way I was forced to pen down in the book itself. I will summarize the same, once I've completed the second reading. I don't get as much time these days, like I used to do in Delhi, or I'd have already been through with it.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Beauty Enhancement and Pampering

I went for a complete beauty Enhancement package to a nearby saloon today. Cost me around 500 of which 300 mom contributed. I also learnt the things at the same time. a hair oil massage followed by waxing pedicure and manicure respectively. to which a facial (scrub, massage and pack) followed. Then I shampooed, got my eye-brow shaped, hair trimmed, and make up done. Draped in a Saree after 4 long hours I was ready for a marriage. I have just come back from the reception.

Some would say spending so much of time was foolery on the previous night to the exam, but its okay..I'm deeply relaxed now. Happy, Pampered, beautiful.

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Post for 4th and 5th of June

I went to a friend's place on the 3rd night after celebrations, returned yesterday morning and then went again yesterday evening.

Friend? rather an elder acquaintance. Her mom and dad were in the house too, and I've been studying. I am keen on the exam that's on the 7th and I'll be gone some days. I was there till today noon 1:00 p.m. studying, and also watching TV after months and years for a change :)

I'll now be gone till 7th evening, focusing more on last minute preparations, and shuffling of notes and solving papers.

Lord help me!

I can see, deleting and quitting IRC has immensely helped. But its my Lord's blessings that have worked really.

Lord,
keep me on the right path!
I know You love me...
and You want me to love all and one.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)