Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)