I really wish I could Die

You!!! Yes, You! The woman in the mirror? Who are you?

Definitely not me. I was vibrant, strong, compassionate, kind and forgiving. You are listless, weak, either passionate or cold, unkind and revengeful. You are not me. Because of You I died, what right do You have to survive?

I am someone who's naive enough to think that I can be a pillar of strength to any one. I am a pest. I survive on others' love. I think I'm so great that I can love them? I can't even forgive people when they've NOT done anything wrong. And I can't forget it when they HAVE done something wrong.

I am obsessed, unruly, unworthy, a slut to the core of my mean and nasty heart. I care for nothing nor do I want to. I have no reason to survive.

But you forget that You're loved by those naive people who think you can love. You are liked by those who are naive enough to think of you as innocent as dove.

You are hollow, or looks, nor money. No position, no status, forget the maturity and the love you profess. You are nothing, just a fleck of dust, unworthy, set up for repeated failure and no success.

Go take a fuck and make it fly, this is what they to the likes of you. You think your poisoned tears are as pure as morning dew. Whom do you think you're kidding, you prude you bitch you naive woman. All you want is attention and you understand nothing of being Human.

But I wish I was back to the kid I was, to be able to think in poetry again. Not the tidbits that I write now, but the old when I was sane. All I want is just a single touch of love and desire in my life. But I hate the pity that I get, I hate the respect, I feel stabbing myself with a knife.

I want to give up or give in at least one. I want to talk and yet to push away everyone. I hope I either recover, or else this misery may end my life and may I never suffer.

Friends whom I love, foes whom I like, people whom I wish to do thinks for and serve. I do not wish to suffer You every moment, because I'm mean enough to want returns.

I am rambling, I know, I know not how to deal. I am numb at the time, when emotions I feel. I really wish I could die.

Lord,
Help me accept that it's my shortcoming,
to misunderstand people's intentions when earnest.
Lord, make me accept that all they've been,
in their dealings with me is fair and honest.

Lord, help me feel through the pain I get,
the strength to serve all around me.
Just numb me a tiny wee bit so that,
the bonds do not bound me.

And if Thee would do nothing O Lord,
give me the strength to face this.
And if not even that, why not take my life,
with your hands since I cannot take this.

Give me courage to die,
either once and for all,
or inch by inch every day.
Lord, help me bear the pain that hurts,
or give me an escape-way.

I really wish I could die, O Lord.
This I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Life isn't easy

Life sucks!!! At times it does.... Especially when one's been trying hard to work around things and to prevent negativity from entering oneself :(

I have been trying hard to cope with my studies and my job and my personal life. The few things that I seek in life are :

1. A healthy relationship (This is of primary importance, since I'm by nature more of a 'heart' person.)
2. A settlement in career (This means a permanent and a stable career choice and not just a part-time option).
3. Some friends and my family, which would knit a support circle, as the above two are likely to take me into depression time and again:(

I am supposed to take some tough and difficult decision again.... I do not know how will I sustain.

Lord,

Help me sustain.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Targets for Today: 28.12.09 - 29.12.09

Personal Study:
Marvell (summarize),
Herbert(summarize),
Jane Austen(Mansfield Park),
Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights)

Study for tomorrow's Class :
Handouts 41/42

Study for Extra Teaching day after tomorrow:
XAT papers,
Three Chapters (Word Power made easy)
Two Chapters (Grammer)

GD/PI:
Internet,
Education System
Exams: A necessary Evil

Essays:
Day 1
Day 2

Time: 30 hours

Lessons in Life

Often, I wonder, how life teaches us so many lessons through things and events.... both small and large... It in fact, can also be something like, not looking down while walking and just slipping off, or something as grave as a failed marriage.... Life anyhow, always teaches one every time.

I also, wonder how Kahlil Gibran, Kabir and all those of the like, could accept the teachings of life so simply.... But then, isn't the question just ridiculous in itself?

They could do so, because they were who they were.... Liberated, loving souls.... Souls who had realized their purposes in life.... Souls who had.......... I don't know what !!! I'm puzzled :(

Love,

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Delhi............... I'm coming

Off to Delhi, Saturday night, back on Monday morning Lol:)
I wish out of my excitement, from the bus I may not fall :))

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Journal Update

I'm breaking the sequence in between from my posts today. Not because, I can't think of anything to write about those remaining 2 C's, but probably because this is something that's been keeping me mentally occupied for some time now.

However, defeating materialistically, it might be, the fact is I love the feel that now I'll have weekends too, without going to the University, and..........Most Importantly.......... I'll be able to write and blog and think regularly.

Also, what immensely pleases me is that I've joined the gym. Whoops!!! I love the thought of venting out all my frustration on the machines now, by working out more when I'm extra frustrated and balanced when I just want to keep myself toned up and ready.

I will also be able to write poetry, stories, and all the hell lot of things. I'll be able to read about the world's classic poets and authors and learn a thing or two about and from them!! God! How easy do I feel. I wonder if this weekend business was actually suffocating me.

I just love the feel :

Liberated :D

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Last few days

Life has been busy like anything,
I've been trying to manage everything.
With grave depression creeping in,
I can practically focus on Nothing.

Busy life is a break from inner demons,
even if not exactly like and angle from heaven.
It cuts me off, like an isolated vessel on a shelf,
making my emotions go berserk, hurting my inner self.

.................


Lord,
help me survive,
not through control,
but through tolerance, patience........
and submission.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Today : 5.12.09 Monotonous and irritating

Today was a hectic day. Couldn't sleep till 3a, last night. Woke up at 6:30a, struggled to start my scooter, kicked it around 50 times, had to inform my manager that I may be half an hour late, and then called the office boy to give the students some papers to solve, while I traveled in a local conveyance.

But, fortunately, bro woke up, kicked it a couple more times till the scooter finally started and I ended up 10 minutes late, but definitely not 30 :)

Taught from 7:30a - 12p. Looked after a bit of official documents, handed over the cash, my colleague had given me before leaving, and the keys as well. Reached University at 2p, studied a bit (the teaching as well as my syllabus material).

It so happened that I forgot to eat anything today till it was 6.30 p, and I had to leave for home from University. The scooter was cranky again, and no one else was around, they had left together (all of them are guys). It was dark, I was alone and afraid. This scooter needs to be dumped now. Does nothing except drinking petrol.

I dragged it to the main University gate, and tried to restart once more before giving up, which finally worked. Reached home around 30 minutes ago....Its 8p now..... will head off to sleep probably.


© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today

I woke up at 6:30a, reached work at 7:30a, taught till 9:30a, read Your mail, briefly replied, worked some more helped some students fill up their applications with different B-schools.

Reached back home at around 1 p. Did a whole lot of dishes, almost every single dish was in the sink....mom had gone to a funeral.

Brother suffered from a severe pain in urinary bladder..... He has a stone again, in fact two..... one in the kidney and the other in the bladder.Dad took him to the doc, called up mom who joined them at the hospital. His pain is less now, and he's back to his studies and work.A colleague is going on a long leave..........

That's all for now..... didn't study for exam, not even for the lecture, and no spirituality either.

Life is busy, monotonous, but easy..... at least my thoughts aren't heavy.... as of now.... no cravings, no needs, no overwhelming desires, nothing !!!

Lord,
Thank You for giving me dishes to clean...
for that means, there was food,
and more than that,
there were mouths to be fed,
loved and cared for.

Amen!!



© anu (Exploring Myself)

Ramblings irrelevant

Tomorrow is my b'day! I've been musing about this since days now. People are probably going to celebrate it today, since I am not going to work for the next two days. In fact, I am not going anywhere. I have decided to stay home and finish off some pending reads now. Both fiction and non-fiction.

However, its my b'day wish that I could earn more, so that I could buy more books and read more. Reading, of late has become almost an obsession. I know now what do the terms bibliophile and bibliomaniac mean :D

I have also been thinking about the EQ that I have. One thing that I have immensely gained from these workshops that I have recently conducted is that I love teaching. And another is more about my emotional quotient. It is about the way I think, feel and react towards things and incidents and people.

I was working on this post in the morning, when my internet connection got poofed off. I have been thinking what makes an individual the way he/she is? What makes some people different from most others drastically? To what extent is the human mind trainable?


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Irresistible Urge

Someone came home at around 10 : 45 and my mom woke me up to meet her up

and since then I've been awake, and now my mind is just restless. I had this strong urge to write, so I'm up again, blogging.

I have a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind. Right from my reflections from the classes I've been taking to the interactions and discussions with Swamiji.

Whilst I wish to write more about the classes, at the same time I also want to write more about the way the students reacted, and the way I responded to their queries....the kind of questions they asked....the ease with which they flew from my name to Ma'am...... I loved it when more than half said they wanted me to stretch the session longer, and even more when.... they said that they would like to discuss things with me personally.

I have decided that whilst I work on their personalities, their enhancements and their individual strengths and weaknesses, I'll work on mine too. Next full month is going to be dedicated to English and Communication and soft skills. I will try to imbibe in me the strengths and to remove from me the weaknesses or not so strong points that I have.

The only apprehension that I have is that I may find it very tedious, stressful and tiresome. I am already cranky by the end of the day now, and obviously the more the stress is, the worse my situation would be. The students are already expecting a lot from me, since they are looking forward to someone who can listen to them, while treating THEM as adults and mature individuals and with an attitude of a peer. They basically need an individual mentor with a blend of a senior adult and a friend, and I know how it feels. All, I can try doing is try and meditate and increase my meditating capacity so that I can help people better by becoming a better channel to the eternal and everlasting source of knowledge, love and compassion.

I had been thinking last few days, how my life is revolving around a certain place and a certain person in a very special manner. I have been visiting Swamiji for last few days, almost regularly and I love the sessions. I generally go there with questions in my mind, and I generally get my answers without even asking for them. He's just awesome in that sense.

He's been treating me differently on different days. The first day, he was polite, formal and yet showed a warmth. The second day when I want was a weekly off on the center, and yet he gave me time. The third meeting was the same evening, with Didi, where I knew he was talking to someone about something, but indirectly he was giving me answers. The immediate next day I went to him again in the evening, when he offered me a chair instead of a mat. This was almost an honor and an action odone on purpose, and he gave me a valid reason for it when I asked him about that.

The next two days were those days when I had constantly tried to go and visit him, and failed, and today again I went twice. Once in the morning, when there was the group talk, and I left from there, since he seemed to be busy in some administrative activities of the centre. Late, in the evening, I was unexpectedly late because of that unanticipated extra lecture by splitting the extra-large group of students who had wanted to attend sessions.

But, with his natural grace, ease and warmth he again gave me time, lesser today, just half an hour but he did, and when this time for the first time I asked him something serious, he answered in seeming riddles, which are crystal clear.

I know I'm going to visit him more often, trying to chant, meditate and do whatever I can. This time, I do want to speed up my spiritual journey and he says, one can choose the way one desires, loves and feels comfortable with. Nonetheless, he equally emphasises 'Samagna Saadhna'.

The only thing that I find worrying is my attatchment to certain things, people and situations which I know (for the better and logical reasons) are futile. However, I am not able to get rid of them, and today without asking how (though I wanted to)< he said himself that we aren't supposed to throw them away, just that we shouldn't indulge ourselves into them.


O Almighty Father,
I don't have words to offer in prayer today.
But, I have what you gave me,
I have that you made me.
I have what you want me to use,
and,
I offer to Thee,
Thy blessings and gifts,
as a token of submission to Your will and my destined path.

Give me strength O Lord,
so I may please You, as You desire, as You wish, and as best as You allow me to.

Amen!!!

p.s. It sounds something like..... (Kya mera hai jo aj tumhe de daalooon)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

22-23.06.09

went to Swamiji today twice, once in the group talk and once in the evening. Was late in the evening, so had gone to say sorry and not interact but he did give me his valuable time. He spoke to me for half an hour, and I asked him a question for the first time which he answered as I had very much expected.

I took two classes yesterday....1. regular and one workshop session with 22 students. Today I took 2 and half hours of class with different groups....One with 35 students and the other with 15. I was surprised to notice that my own batch mates were calling me Ma'am and it was seriously impressive. Also, something that made me happy that they were accepting me in the new role.

I am happy mostly, except that am very tired these days generally. Physically, mentally as well as emotionally. My struggle is getting tougher. I want to write more but am half unconscious already.

Lord,

give me strength,
help me sustain.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

21.06.09

was supposed to go and visit Swamiji in the group talk today, but didn't. Rather couldn't. I had felt it last evening that since I'm saying I'll come tomorrow I won't be able to. Yesterday's session had been very good, and He had given me a place equal to him, and when I asked him why did he do so, he smiled and gave me a reason too. He as usual answered unasked questions.

I gave a lecture to the third batch today, and spoke to my boss too. He said I'll need to get into some business deals of the institute too, since he thinks I'm the best person suited for the task.I know that though its an exploitation in the sense its not paid task, but I love being busy, and that's fine with me.

I've drafted a schedule today, a chart in print to help me keep track of my activities, and classes, and payments and expenses as well.

Lord,

I know that I need a Master to discipline,
But, help me to realize self-discipline,
so that,
the disciple is ready,
when the Master appears...
to make her an instrument to Your ever-loving will.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

18-20.06.09

I went to Swamiji twice on the 19th and then on the 20th. He's just awesome. I feel peaceful and Blissful when around Him. Met Didi also, and have been staying at the introducing friend's place for past 3 days. Today I chose to sleep at Home. I am regularly chanting at least more regular than earlier days.

I've been busy studying, preparing lecture notes, instructing students. Yesterday was very very busy, and that keeps me stress free and happy. Haven't heard from him since many days now, and yet it doesn't disturb me any more. I do call him as a ritual like old days as I used to which I shall do till he tells me not to.

I know I'll be frequenting Swamiji and Didi's place more now on, and my blogs will get shorter and toned differently and I'm happy it works this way

Lord,

help me fulfill the purpose of my existence.
Amen

©anu (Exploring Myself)

14.06.09 And 15.06.09

I have been excessively preoccupied with settling up the work situation and the regular study and chanting patterns.
I am happy God has finally made it work for me, and I have a decent source and a job, even if part time, and that's as of now a great support for me.

Yesterday I chanted 4 rounds again, and I'm glad, God made me do that too, and I also studied.

I know I sound like obsessed with the thought....God gave me this, God gave me that, and blah blah........but...... This is true, and no matter how much I might want to emphasize it, I'll never be able to do it enough...........GOD DOES IT! HE'S ALWAYS WITH US!

I read Khalid Housseini.... A Thousand Splendid Sons ..... for the second time last night, and I was surprised the way it moved me, and the way I was forced to pen down in the book itself. I will summarize the same, once I've completed the second reading. I don't get as much time these days, like I used to do in Delhi, or I'd have already been through with it.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

12.06.09 and 13.06.09

On the 11th I was better, though late night 10th I had asked him to call me, which he didn't and I was OK with it, as later I realized that I was being weak in expecting support from him, and not relying on myself. 11th I spent the whole day out roaming around with my friend, and had been sleeping every alternate night at her place. To keep myself distracted and away from excessive chatting or thinking, I adopted this method, and I succeeded once again!!

Since the day I visited the psychiatrist, I took the medicines only twice!!!! As usual, not taking medicines :|

Lord is merciful and great and helps me a lot.

12th I went to inquire about admission in MBA program to the best local B-school, and decided in favor. Was busy the whole day working on the formalities, inquiring about loan facilities, and in the end by the evening decided finally against it :)

I had somehow known that this would happen.

Today morning was very tense, in the sense that I was worried, frustrated and confused as to what to do, and I messaged him asking if he could find me some free lance work though I am trying my resources as well. But by the end of today evening, I was able to decide what I have to do, and though he didn't call me, nor I expected him to, I had waited for his phone call.

Things are getting easier on my mind, and I'm thankful to The Almighty who's helping me with it.

Thank You God!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

It sucks!

Life seriously was in a mess yesterday......rather I was. Life was fine yesterday........good even.........I had a lot of good things turning up yesterday....Three part time 2 hrs each job offers with a decent payment,in total, and yet by the evening I was damn upset, though I had spoken to him about everything and shared.

Then by the night had a quarrel with a good acquaintance and finally I decided to walk apart as a stranger. I am a non - interfering person as a friend and expect the same, and He doesn't expect any interactions on a professional basis, so we wished each other well, and left.

©anu (Exploring Myself)