Up and about and running

This post is only to let everyone know that inspite of everything else, I'm neither dumb, not weak. I have not and will not do anything stupid and you can all (if you are) stop fretting. However, those on the automatic mailer-list of this blog, please do not take it personally, if my posts stop coming to Your in-boxes. For I will be changing a few settings from here.

Regards and well wishes to everyone.

A

Recent Updates

So, here's what happened since I came back from Delhi.

• I labelled, stamped and listed and cataloged all the books I have. And I also gave away that had become irrelevant or not so useful over the time. So, I have some 1500 books remaining finally, but I haven't yet excel sheeted them.
• I prepared for relocation to Delhi, arrange hostels, finances, jobs and went through a lot of telephonic interviews so that I could take it ahead as soon as I was in Delhi.
• I ended up spraining my leg with a hairline fracture when I tipped with my scooty in a pit full of water, because I didn't realize that it was a pit :)
  
• I finally managed to secure a decent, work-from-home job for 30 hour a week and will have my employer-given laptop soon (I will have to pay for my lapi from salary though). The salary is good and the work is monotonous but simple and still interesting :)
  
• So, now I work 6 hours a day five days a week, and I study for some 4 every day and study and learn French for another 2 and also access online sites that I was slow on in the period between more frequently.
• I have in the last fifteen days, interacted with quite a few people from all walks of life and these interactions have all taught me a bit, each in their own way though :)
  
• I got a facial done, a complete change of hairstyle and have started personal grooming more than past of late.

So, that's it for now. Till later, stay tuned!!!

Love,

Anu

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Depression Finally

So, it's finally kicking in! My depression once again. May be it's because I tend to care for people easily. May be because it's just because I care for people a bit too much. or May be it's because of a natural phase, pms or else my regular depressive bout. This year has been the worst. This is the first time, when my bipolar bouts have been the most uncontrolled and unhandleable and unmanageable.

But this is my worst phase in last 10 years. I simply can't manage it. BUT, I will NOT go to a shrink. I will NOT give in my battle, the battle and war I've fought for so long. Because each small battle matters in the consequences of the overall War.

But, I will not allow myself to degenerate either. I will not allow myself to hurt other people, even if it means leaving them and causing myself unbearable pain. I know, even moving on will hurt, but the fact is that such phases will come, more and with more severity. Such phases will henceforth increase in both intensity and frequency, unless I actually settle down. And the only way to settle down is to actually settle down. There's no other way or short cut. And in spite of me trying furiously and my best, it will happen when it has to. I can't reduce the duration of my M.A. I can just prevent it from being longer. The second alternative is to quit studies altogether.

The third is to take some time, forget about everything else, EVERYTHING.......lifestyle, relationships, family, friends and everything else. To many people this will sound melodramatic. Many won't understand the hurt it is causing me to even think of committing online suicide.

But, just because I care, just because I want to make everyone around me happy, doesn't mean I'm a spineless creature. When I don't respond, You feel hurt. When I respond, You feel overwhelmed because then I want all of it.

I am not really a middle ground person. I do things either with full desire/zeal, or not at all. Perhaps, this stems from my bipolar. I don't want to get into the medicine/shrink stuff because that will kind of make me someone dependent on meds and I of course do not live in US / canada with a social security :(

So, if You get associated with me, expect that only. :( And trust me, if You at any point choose to move away from me, because I am being a jerk with my mania/depression, bipolar, I'll understand :( Sad, yes I will be, but I will understand Your need for balance and middle grounds.

This 'You' can be anyone.....friends, acquaintances past and present relationships, family everyone. I am free and You are free too.

I don't know what am I writing, and I haven't actually even once re-read it, or edited it. But, I am weeping right now again. Now this is another sign of my depression. I get weepy often when I am in that depressive phase. Please do not bother/fret/pay heed. I wish to be left alone and yet I wish to be cared for, protected right now. I have been pushing away people from me last whole week, and yet I want to stay around them. But, I understand this causes them hurt and confusion.

Please forgive me, if I've hurt anyone. And even if You can't understand me or my behavior, rest assured of one thing. I will never cause You harm, hurt intentionally and I care :( I Love all those people who've touched my life even once, and no this is not altruism or greatness or any other such crap. This is just who I am :(

Regards,

Anu

11/12 and 13.8.10

So, here's the update:

Busy at least 12 hours a day. No commendations, just high spirits. Been a bit low though, but still well and fine :)

Thank You Lord,

Anu

Update : Aug 8, 2010

So finally, here's what happened:)

As usual, my schedules got Topsy turvy. I didn't have a vehicle so missed the first class, I didn't have the patience to bear with drama and cribbing about things, so I gave in and did what was expected of me and so missed the second class too. I had my breakfast-lunch (brunch at around 2), and then finally managed the last class.

I did not too bad at quant in the class and it made me feel a bit relaxed, easy and even happy to an extent. The best part was that the teacher asked me if I had studied that topic earlier. I said yes I had, but around 12 years ago ;)

So, after all, my mind is not that dumb/blunt at all :P

However, something worrying now, CAT has been pre-poned this year apparently. The final declaration is yet to happen. If this happens there's both a pro and con. Pro - I'll have one more month to prepare for M.A. Not that I was actually about to go and write CAT with full heart, but I wouldn't want less time. Que Sera Sera.

Now plan for the evening: Study vocab and the topics in quant that He taught in the class today :)

Till then, wish you all well :)

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Lessons in Life

Often, I wonder, how life teaches us so many lessons through things and events.... both small and large... It in fact, can also be something like, not looking down while walking and just slipping off, or something as grave as a failed marriage.... Life anyhow, always teaches one every time.

I also, wonder how Kahlil Gibran, Kabir and all those of the like, could accept the teachings of life so simply.... But then, isn't the question just ridiculous in itself?

They could do so, because they were who they were.... Liberated, loving souls.... Souls who had realized their purposes in life.... Souls who had.......... I don't know what !!! I'm puzzled :(

Love,

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Delhi............... I'm coming

Off to Delhi, Saturday night, back on Monday morning Lol:)
I wish out of my excitement, from the bus I may not fall :))

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Journal Update

I'm breaking the sequence in between from my posts today. Not because, I can't think of anything to write about those remaining 2 C's, but probably because this is something that's been keeping me mentally occupied for some time now.

However, defeating materialistically, it might be, the fact is I love the feel that now I'll have weekends too, without going to the University, and..........Most Importantly.......... I'll be able to write and blog and think regularly.

Also, what immensely pleases me is that I've joined the gym. Whoops!!! I love the thought of venting out all my frustration on the machines now, by working out more when I'm extra frustrated and balanced when I just want to keep myself toned up and ready.

I will also be able to write poetry, stories, and all the hell lot of things. I'll be able to read about the world's classic poets and authors and learn a thing or two about and from them!! God! How easy do I feel. I wonder if this weekend business was actually suffocating me.

I just love the feel :

Liberated :D

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Update

I have been very busy last few days. Last few days, the work load has increased and so has the stress of study. I feel very surprised at the way life has changed drastically. I do not understand what had brought this change so soon or so sudden. Or may be it wasn't sudden but was gradual, just that I didn't find time to reflect, ponder or dwell on it. My vocabulary has changed, while Hindi is gradually going for a toss.

I do not understand why have my personal temperaments changed too? Three days ago, I did something, I shouldn't have. Why? I felt an immense need to. However, if I repeat that same activity, I know I'll grow addicted.

The loneliness is growing high, and the fact is that I do not tend to realize the hit just because I do not find time to dwell on it. I do not understand what would happen if I wouldn't be so busy with two postgraduate degrees and a hell lot of work. But, the most troublesome of all is the fact that it's taking toll on my health, both physical, mental and emotional. More than I had really expected. Today even ^^^^^ ^^^ said that he feels I'm probably taxing myself too much. But the trouble with me is that academic bent of my mind. The trouble is my stubborn nature and the headstrong attitude.

For now, I have only three primary goals. To perform well as a trainer, and to constantly improve. To be a perfect sample of an efficient and effective student, and more than anything..............to keep myself safe and sane emotionally, physically and mentally. I know its going to be very tough, BUT I want to do it!!

Lord,
Grant me strength...not to win...but to fight !
Grant me wisdom....not only to learn...but also to share !
But more than anything Lord,
Grant me....... Sustainance!!

Amen!


©anu (Exploring Myself)