Dated: 01.12.10

So, I had slept at around 10:30 last morning, in fact even earlier. To be honest, I hadn't slept, but had just dozed off. By the time I had woken up it already was 3:30 and I worked and blogged the schedule post out here. I worked till around 9:00 in the morning, before I took my breakfast break. So basically though my schedule started half an hour early, it was actually all through an hour late. I had lunch at 2 instead of 3 and was working till 6:30/ 7:00 p.m. barring a small conference with a few friends :) before I managed to go out to the market to get some more jewelery raw material :)

And to add to it, I actually managed to earn a day off from my manager for studies today:) And he wasn't sarcastic :D Geez!!!! So running off to bed with some old stupid poetry/fiction for another 3 hours before dozing off to bed:)

God, it feels like all my fatigue is now going to wash over me.

Lord,

I know Thee created nature with harmony.

Or, may be I do not know but have been told so.

Grant me,

the strength, the intelligence and the ability,

to strike harmony in my part of the world.

This I ask in Thy holy name.

Amen!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

A Week Later

A week later, I reflect back...... Three sleepless nights back to back. Unwilling to focus, a mind hyperactive. Unable to rest at peace, a heart sad and hurting, and yet, undaunted firm of being able to overcome - a fighting spirit.

No, it's not the sanctimonious or self-righteous me, nor is it me surrounded by a horde of friends, willing to support me. In fact at this moment I'm as lonely as I can be :)I am happily willing to let go. But, at the same time, I do wish to hold on. I can't let go of my precious friends like that. in this dilemma, here's what:

I am thankful to my friends and to God for them. People who care for me, no matter what. People who stand and stick around. And, people who help me move on when some others hurt me and simply can't let go.

And I just want to say this......

I Love You even when I err and go away.
I love You always, not only when I stay.

And here's what I say to the Lord, for those of us who have been blessed, and those who think they haven't been (though it's not true).

I pray to Thee O Lord,

Give us all,
the strength to accept,
with grace both yes and no,
and to be able to be friends,
and not create an unnecessary foe.

Give us the strength Lord,
to move On.
To realize that the death of somethings,
means something else is reborn.

Help us all to accept O Lord,
That different folks and different strokes,
of pleasure, pain and paint,
and I hope no one chokes.

within walls they have created around themselves,
and the unnecessary baggage that they drag from the shelves.

Help those of us specially O Lord,
who find ourselves helpless,
in anger, misery and frustration,
futile and useless.

Let no Man think He's the grandest of all,
able to decide the universal right and wrong.
Let no woman think, she's the prettiest of all,
for there are men and women more pretty, ore strong.

To those who trust, have faith, let them keep it,
O Lord, lest they lose it and be alone.
Let the sighs of All be of pleasure,
and not of pain and not into moans and groans.

But most of all,
forgive me Lord,
for though I ask all this of thee.
Some times, of rejection, chastisement and care,
and all sincere protection I flee.

Forgive me for the unwanted hurt I cause,
Forgive me when I grit my teeth, grind my jaws.
Forgive me when I hurt friends,
Forgive me when I can ignore the fiends.
Forgive me when I'm sad, for You didn't intend me to be.
Forgive me when I'm sorry for the way You made me.

But most of all Lord,
Make me Love all,
for in all the universe, Your breaths,
alone rise and fall.

This I ask in Your pure Name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Vo Pandrah Din : Those Fifteen Days

I've been nostalgic and low last three - four days. Benn thinking about the worthless and unproductive life, I've led last few months. 7 months to be precise. But then I remembered those 15 days.

THOSE days, when I contributed to people's lives around me. Those days that were one of the darkest period in my life and yet the brightest. Darkest because life was a mess, while brightest because I taught the deprived kids what they wouldn't get in school. A bit of respect, a bit of English and a bit of math and multiplication. These were kids, who'd take my tantrums and yet laugh with me. Kids from not so well - to- do families. Kids who were willing to teach me as much as learn from me. Kids who taught me how to make photo frames, how to make a bunch of grapes from playing marbles,and kids who looked forward to English vocabulary.

Children who'd fight amongst themselves, who'd weep when I scolded, and who would be almost serenely happy when I smiled at them. Kids who'd try to make me happy by studying harder. These were kids who stayed around because THEY wanted to, not because their parents wanted to. Not because they were forced to.

Kids who made me feel wanted, who made me feel I was worth existing when nothing else was good enough. When my best friends were overwhelmed, not knowing how to handle me, these kids brought those smiles and those tears to my eyes.

I had kept the classes for 15 days only because I didn't want to teach for free, while the children wanted to come for more time, and I denied because I didn't know when I might snap at them. But today, I miss those 15 days.

Lord,

Grant me many more 15 days of this sort. Make my life useful to those around me.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Uncluttered Life

So, I finally uncluttered a lot of things in last 3 days. Life, thoughts, book-shelves, room and head:P My book-shelves have more books, but more organised and those that are contributing to something. The rest are all packed and away.

My life has fewer friends than past, but those that are worth it, and some of them -do- receive my blog posts in their mails. They might have set me for block though, am not sure :)

My relationships are much smoother and less confusing, commitment shifts happening, in terms of friends as well as valued people. I see and observe people being unable to get over, unable to move on, people who crib, whine, pout because they didn't get what they needed and wanted. The more important word here is want. And then I dislike them and end up disliking them.

When I wrote my post on 'My Name is Khan' I had to an extent realized that I was also being a whiny and a pouty mean bitch, but today I realized that being a whiny cribber was my past.

I am proud of my decisions and am glad I took them in-spite of all my dilemma, and in spite of all the hurt it caused to me. It does not matter what people think about it and how do they react to it. Honestly, it just doesn't affect me anymore.

So, back to uncluttering,this shows that I have uncluttered my heart of many emotional entanglements that were bonds of strength at one time and negative bonds at another. Today I feel so cleansed, free and pure. Not because of who I am in my real, physical life, but because I am learning to respect myself for who I am and because I've covered one more step closer to that :)

For now, back to studies!!! :) But, before that,

Lord,

Give me strength,
not to fight others,
but,
to fight myself..
And,
come out a Victorious winner.

I know Lord,
The winner stands alone,
but grant me the grace,
to share the victory,
so that I may be with loved ones,
and those too, who do not love me.

Grant me the power to love,
unconditionally.
And Lord,
make this unconditional love mean to me,
something that I can share without discrimination.

In Other words Lord,

Make me an instrument of Your peace and Love.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

My Name is Khan !!!

I started this post on 24th of April and left it as such. Saw the movie again and restarted this. Hope I am able to post it today :)The text in ** is what I wrote the other day and the rest is what I am writing now.



**There are a lot of things going on in my mind, including two things primarily :)

1. The Movie - My name is Khan
2. My personal decisions that have grown.

So, may this post be on "My Name is Khan"

I was watching this movie last night, and was amazingly touched. The struggle of a man, with Asperger's Syndrome, Rizwan Khan who's is in America. A man who loses the love of his life, his son from that wife,.....**


So, my name is not Khan and no, I'm not a terrorist. My name is my name and I am a lot of things, but none worth being judged about unless I harm someone. I am someone not successful, partly orthodox and not someone who's very well to do. But I'm so blessed.

It was after I saw this movie that I in actual sense realized that it's the inclination, the thought process and the desire that differentiates one from the rest of the people. It's not money, nor fame, nor strength and nothing else that matters when You want to do something, whether for yourself or for others.

I remembered 'Thakur' 'super 30' and loads of other people. I remembered an article from the Hindu that said that the American has a tendency to give back to it's country. I remembered today's newspaper....Britain thinks of cutting down the help aid to India.

And I don't know what bothers me more? My not being good enough for an IIM or my country not being good enough to be self sufficient. This is not the first time I've thought about being self-sufficient and later doing something for the society. But, I always stopped back thinking I am helpless unless settled myself. I have often thought about not helping people unless they really deserved.

And now what has this to do with Khan?

This has got to do this :

Khan helped people of Wilhelmina, without doing anything other than simply pursuing what he wanted. And people followed. And yes I can change things too :)

And that's it :)

Lord,
Help me discover the unique strength I have.
Help me perform the task You created me for.
Help me prove You exist,
And,
Help me to prove that You alone are Love :)

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Slow Poisoning

I am poisoning myself slowly. Now, you don't have to be surprised or shocked at it:) We all do it all the time. And no! I'm not talking about poisoning by medicines, or by pollution, am talking of slow poisoning by negativity and unhappiness.

I will not crib about what I want and what I don't have. But I cannot right now even feel great about doing nothing and being unable to change circumstances. I do not know how to handle my cravings and I do not trust anyone around me.

I'm letting myself get numb and am sitting at home, not wanting to do anything. Perhaps, I could keep sleeping all day long, if over sleeping wouldn't cause a headache. I could keep singing all the day and forget about the damn world, if it were possible. But it JUST doesn't work.

What rather works is NOTHING. And I don't know how to get it. I can't satisfy make anyone happy, including myself. I am not happy with the choices I have to make, and those that I am presented with, because there are people whom I value and I feel suffocated. This includes not only family, but also some very very close friends. Some people whom I would perhaps do anything for. They do not understand that I need a break from studies. I wish to quit studying.

But, right now..... I'm numb. I do nothing but waste days, one after the other and another. I am exasperated with myself. May be I need to ease up a bit on myself, may be I need to befriend myself a little, but I just can't. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN DAMN IT !

But may be, this is what destiny's all about.

I wish I could push away MA/MBA/Any sort of study away from me, and just earn and be happy. Earn a few thousand bucks, let myself enjoy small pleasures and luxuries of life, and then after a year or two perhaps, when I feel suffocated with that again, return back to studies. People will never understand.

They simply can't :) No matter, how much good they wish me, no matter how much close they are to me. This is one dark secret, that they won't understand even after knowing it :)

But I know Lord,

If no one does,

and when no one does.

You will.

Help me sustain Lord!

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer

Lord,

Help me trust !!!
Those, who really care about me.
They might not be my friends, guardians, mentors or might not share a close relationship with me.
But,
They care nonetheless.

Save me from the delusions,
the confusion,
and, most importatly...
The diversions.

I come to You...

The all powerful!!
The Omnipresent, Omnipotent!
for the most humble surrender I can offer Lord.

With my shortcomings,
Any one may/may not,
but You will...
accept me!

I know :)

To Your shelter.

Hoping to stay...
Irrespective..
of my surrender.
within my own sweetness,
and within Your Mastery,
of all You've made.
Strong and firm,
Loving and not yet weak Lord.

This I seek in Your Name O Lord!

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Last few days

Life has been busy like anything,
I've been trying to manage everything.
With grave depression creeping in,
I can practically focus on Nothing.

Busy life is a break from inner demons,
even if not exactly like and angle from heaven.
It cuts me off, like an isolated vessel on a shelf,
making my emotions go berserk, hurting my inner self.

.................


Lord,
help me survive,
not through control,
but through tolerance, patience........
and submission.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A prayer long forgotten

I wrote this prayer on the 6th of June, it is still in this blog. But, I came across it, when I was just poking around my nose in the older posts, realizing the changes I've undergone, this is where I realized, I was actually thankful and willing to realize the beauty of the LOrd in every and anything :)

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer in Solitude

Lord,

Solitude....
sometimes chosen, sometimes not.
But, why did You tie it with me,
when it brings me to naught?

A question I ask,
not in insolence in the least....
You made me a human,
but with SOME instincts of a beast.

And, if beast I had to be,
then why not make me gregarious.
Why make me lonely,
and not jocular and hilarious.

Why did You want me,
to be over sensitive O Lord!
Sure, You DO know that,
sincerity is a both sided sword.

Lord,
give me sincerity,
to take things seriously.
But,
Please.....
give me some space,
to flutter and at times fly free.

Help me see and overcome my fallacies.
Guide my vision, beyond the galaxies.

Make me nothing, but a toll of Your will.
Pull me along, while climbing uphill.

Make me nothing, but to myself and others true.
Lord, help me prove, I'm but a part of You.

Amen!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today

I woke up at 6:30a, reached work at 7:30a, taught till 9:30a, read Your mail, briefly replied, worked some more helped some students fill up their applications with different B-schools.

Reached back home at around 1 p. Did a whole lot of dishes, almost every single dish was in the sink....mom had gone to a funeral.

Brother suffered from a severe pain in urinary bladder..... He has a stone again, in fact two..... one in the kidney and the other in the bladder.Dad took him to the doc, called up mom who joined them at the hospital. His pain is less now, and he's back to his studies and work.A colleague is going on a long leave..........

That's all for now..... didn't study for exam, not even for the lecture, and no spirituality either.

Life is busy, monotonous, but easy..... at least my thoughts aren't heavy.... as of now.... no cravings, no needs, no overwhelming desires, nothing !!!

Lord,
Thank You for giving me dishes to clean...
for that means, there was food,
and more than that,
there were mouths to be fed,
loved and cared for.

Amen!!



© anu (Exploring Myself)

Trying to calm myself

Lord,

I complain, I fret.
I toil hard, covered in sweat.
To make things right,
when I'm not in control.
To reduce my plight,
when I can't resurrect my heart and my soul.

Distressed with the world,
troubled with my feelings....
I wish I would die..
But, then I think...
I must be fair in dealings,
shouldn't make loved ones cry.......

can't continue...... can't think further..... will continue and write when I can.
30.11.09...

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A long Prayer

O Lord,

I am here,
bringing myself to thee,
in submission to thy will.
But, heavenly Father,
They say that You alone are the father to Your children,
and hence desires if any,
must be expressed to You, and
be granted by You.

Lord,
In this world,
I come across different people,
who treat and understand things differently.
I come across those,
full of purity,
and those full of impurities too.
I understand purity and impurity are relative O Lord!
And, that You love all Your children equally.

But, should the children err,
what their fate shall be no one knows.
No one except...
You divine Father!

I pray to thee........
to make me see...
what I must,
what You wish for me.

Help me judge Your designs O Lord!
Not so that I may become a seer,
but so that I may love,
and not fear.

Lord!
make me believe in knowledge granted by You,
and make me seek the truth, if for just moments a few.
For, the truth delivers,
and ignorance is not bliss.
And to fully surrender to a Master,
One must understand the designs that are His.

This prayer, I bring to Thee Lord,
Through the souls You've delivered,
Through Your disciples who sought You,
and finally found You.

Deliver me from evil.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer of serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6



This is a wonderful prayer one of my friends had forwarded to me. I thank her very much :)
And, here's mine:



Lord,
Grant me strength,
humility and desire,
to bring necessary changes,
and to avoid those that may hurt others.

Grant me Your love,
that I may share it with those around me O Lord!

Amen!!

Miracles

Miracles....
of love,
are immensely beautiful,
and wonderfully precious....

They however aren't always pleasant,
but at times bring love through hurt.

And, yet every moment in life,
is nothing,
but a moment of truth,
of magic,
A True Miracle!

Lord!
Help me see the omens of my life,
Help me move....
towards the destination...
You alone could have designed for me.

Help me realize,
that unless I cause harm,
All of my wishes and dreams,
are my arms...
In the battle of survival,
between Bliss and Grief.

Lord,
make me move ahead,
every moment, every day...
Towards the destination of service,
through humility's way.

Give me strength,
to change the things that I can.
And more to accept,
those that I can't.

And amidst the tears that silently flow,
of heart-ache and quiet pain...
Let my face reflect, learning's glow,
and let knowledge be my gain...

Lord, help me experience both sorrow and joy,
Wisdom from grief, and bliss to enjoy....
Give me the capability to share O Lord!
If I cannot break free from attachment's cord.....

Help me cause some miracles please!
In my demise I may smile with ease,
Glad to make some one feel loved,
With the mind firm, but heart gloved.

The miracles of love and beauty,
may they exist forever.
May Humanity succeed...
in Love's endeavor.


This I ask in Your holy name.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer: Failures and Success...confusion

Lord,
Guide me through the times,
both tough and easy.
Through times, when I do not know
what to ask of You, my Lord......

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Vaccum: the soul v/s the mind and heart

I am suffering from another of my vacuum pangs........ those pangs of the typical bipolar depressive phases. I am trying to absorb myself in work, even extra work, even that which doesn't bring me any benefits, neither monetary, nor intellectual or educational.

A part of me is cribbing about the extra work, but the fact is that the extra work exists because I agree to its existence. If I deny doing some work, no one can force me to do it, but the fact is that I do not want to deny it either. Why? because I know, if I stay back at Home, I'll have those bouts of a quarrelsome mood, and a very negative attitude. So, its better I work.

This vacuum seems to be more of an emotional and psychological nature rather than being that of a physical or materialistic nature, though the precipitating causes can be something as simple as .............why did a friend not pick my call just when I called, or why did mom not cook a certain vegetable, or why wasn't my printer functioning (though it now is).

Lord,
Help me sustain,
Help me survive.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The god of Earth

If to walk amongst us He chose,
it would be profanity. Some might say this.... but I guess thats not true.

If He stood high above, He could instill fear and not love, and then
one fine day....... He'd cease to be true.

For the fear of God, is not what humans need..... they long for an
entity, loving in deed.........

Thus, only when He walks the earth, shall He be the Real God!!!

Prayer:

If You are thee,
Please show me thyself.
For, I do not understand You,
but I wish to feel You,
and thenceforth always love You.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mai Nadiya Fir bhi main pyaasi.........

Loneliness looming over me..........
I stand all alone,
on the other shore of the river of live,
O traveler!
When would you come?
I wish you'd do that soon!!!

This is the closest I could get to the translation, and whilst I write this.... I am sick and tired of my life. Why, I wish I could put in words, and explain.....

Lord,
Grant me sustainance!

Amen

©anu (Exploring Myself)