Writers' Block

So, I had this writers' block for last few months. Now let's see...2months 23 days technically, and approximately four months to be non-technical but close to accurate.

Reasons? Oh Loads!

1. I went through a series of depressive phases, the last one ending some 20 days ago.
2. I went through a hell lot of emotional and sentimental instability, both generated by and generating the depression
3. I was busy 'trying' to study for exams.
4. I was busy writing exams with moderate or low preparation, but apparently performing OK-ish. I am expecting an OK-ish percentage, but I'm hoping that it would be more than the bare minimum required for further studies after M.A.
5. After I finished my exams, I gradually started coming out of the stress, depression and to my shock realized that my skin was full of marks, (the psychosomatic indication of my stress, other than sleep and eating irregularities).
6. 6 Last 18-20 days, I've been hyper-maniac, sleeping only on an average 3-4 hrs a day in total. Except two days - when I slept 16 and 12 at a stretch respectively.
7. I also joined a couple of hobby classes, which should (assuming I don't bunk), keep me busy for around 10 hours a day, including the travel time.
8. Last few days, I've been thinking like hell and reading as well, along with scribbling loose notes, as if my tail's on fire. However, putting everything down sequentially hasn't been happening for quite some time.
9. Something finally happened last night that got me out of this block and I'm glad to have gotten rid of it. (content sigh)

So long, till then. (I have to figure out this usage. Do we use these two phrases together? Anyone who's aware, please be kind to share with me too)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

18-27 - Part 1

So, I was already 18, when I left school, nothing unusual there though. Except for the fact that my loner nature had already been established. I had already been subconsciously declared as a nerd, loner, multi-faceted and multi-talented individual with a sort of solitude and loneliness prominently visible. It was also, assumed that I was at peace with my being alone. There were germs of poetry. Literature and yet a desire to be a doctor and study medicine and psychiatry (eventually). But with failures creeping in on facts like having to quit math, lack of fee to pay for costly coaching classes.

I dropped four years to prepare for my pre medical entrance exam. I joined a graduate program once in the mean while, a B.Sc. in Biology. But gave it up. It wasn’t my place. I liked going to college, using library but I hated the batch mates, It was during these four years that my best friend of 7 years ditched me, by saying to her parents that I was the one who was being stalked by some guys (who actually were stalking me). These four years made me realize that honesty is the best policy, since my parents would know everything about me, my activities, my whereabouts.

It was the beginning of these four years that my life went through fire and flames and came out as something entirely different. I was re-diagnosed thrice with my depression and ALWAYS, I refused to take medication. It was the beginning of these four years that I was exposed to yahoo (by my younger brother) and the later part of these years that I bought my first mobile phone. But there’s something much more important (wrong usage I know), that I discovered.

It was - I started teaching. I taught students who were my immediate juniors. I taught senior school physics, chemistry, biology, because I wanted to learn. I knew I’d never be able to afford money enough to go and prepare for entrances outside my town. My town didn’t have good institutes till then. I had no friends, most of those who were with me got into engineering (the ratio of engg seats to medical being something like 12000 to 600 that time if I remember correctly). I didn’t have friends to discuss study with. I didn’t know which books to read, what depth to probe into and I took up teaching as an obvious and a clear solution to problems like these.

I remember the students’ parents would ask me – you’re so young. And I’d politely reply – I know, but what matters is my command on the subject. I was amazing with theory, especially physics, which I knew that I could never ever study again because I did not study Math in grade 12. My students would score well, even clear competitive exams, while I would year after year not succeed. The best I’d do was to fall short by a single mark, or to get a payment seat, or to be able to join something like a self-sponsored dentistry.

It was these four years however, when one of my teachers tried to seduce me, another wanted to lay me around and 2 batchmates disgusted me to no end, with their grossly materialistic and carnal proposals without even a twinge of feeling (Back then, I was EXCESSIVELY conventional, VERY stubborn and greatly judgmental). It was within these four years that I found the first love of my life (who later dumped me because he realized I’m not a would-be doctor anymore and that I do not look as beautiful as in the pics. And this after telling his whole family that he wanted to marry me. Funny, ain’t it? :)

But on the other hand, in 2005, amidst all this drama and lackluster life, I found a friend in a biology chat room in yahoo then. This was one of the first people who molded my life. Extremely intelligent, highly accomplished, pure in spirit and amazingly understanding, this Man (7 years elder to me?) brought me to an understanding of myself. He questioned me, probed me, made me think, answer his questions. He helped me explore much of the unexplored me. He helped me deal with what was negative, to encourage in myself what was positive. We met once and then lost contact. Ani, I still miss you :)

It was in these four years (towards the end) that I managed to save money, shift to Delhi for coaching and met my best friend till date, my best supporter of last 5 years and my current employer. We had a common friend introduce me. So, the last 6 months of my last drop, this friend introduced me to ISKCON, where I could find exactly the same reasoning as the one I had, exactly similar things as subjects of discussion like they were at Home. ISKCON was a home away from home.

I wrote my final attempt, did not succeed, took up a call centre job and decided I didn’t want to study further. This is when I turned 22, with a heart break, a broken friendship, a total of 2 seducing attempts, 2 disgusting offers, a long history of failures already, future bleak. I guess, I cannot cover this duration all in one go, so I will write a sequel to this section.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

My Damn Problem

I wanted to write this somewhere else, but then decided otherwise. Hurting someone is just not my type. At least not hurting them openly. But then I need my space to vent too. So, using this as that. I know this mail will end up in a few inboxes and to you, I have just one thing to say - Those who trust me, will understand and if they don't, they don't really really matter. Fortunately for me, you all do matter :)

************

To all those, who think they are respecting me by trying to help me, no you're not. Because first off, you don't even understand a bit of who I am, the way I think, the way I feel and you can never do that, because you will always see it in the usual context. I'm not special, but definitely not the usual stuff and I am proud of it.

Secondly, do not mistake my courtesy and politeness for my weakness or strength. Because it's none. It simply is that - nonchalant courtesy and politeness.

Third and the most important thing, if I distance myself from you because **YOU** asked me to, do not tell me that you respect my effort, because THAT (telling me about it) is disrespect to my efforts/effortless goodbyes. Do I sound clear? I seriously hope I do. If you want your space, respect mine It's as simple as that.

I do NOT confuse respect, politeness and courtesy. The moment you disrespect me or my efforts and no that doesn't mean asking me to fuck off or verbal assault or character assassination or whatever, but your gesture; you lose your respect. The more you do it, the more esteem you lose. We can coexist without any sort of need to indulge in each other's lives.

If I do not message you, it simply means that for me, you do not really exist or that your existence is of no interest to me. I am excessively communicative and open, so if I value your friendship or want it or desire it, I will state that upfront. Similarly if I desire distance, I will clearly indicate that as well. Also, if I need your help dealing with something, I will make sure that I tell you. If I do not, please do not presume.

I know I take time to get over things. I usually take a lot of time to move on. I open up completely when I do and that DOES make me vulnerable. Also, I find it very tough to move on, unless people leave me. This is something like, if a fucking loser says - I'm Your Dom and you cannot move on, no matter what -(even subconsciously, if not in words), I just cannot move on. However, Once I do, I do.

But please, and I mean this please, do not test my patience or self-control. Not even if you're the most valued person in my life, because even if you are, I will not say it once it's been rejected. It's your loss, deal with it.

You have all right to be inconsiderate, mean or rude to me. I do not do that, because it's not my nature. However, please do NOT presume that I cannot be a bitch. I just don't want to be, because I don't need to be.

This is to no one in particular, so don't bother asking. This is to all those endless number of people out there, who think their pity, support, help, kindness is what I need, once they've insulted and offended my feelings (specially when they treat it like something grossly physical and understand truly nothing about it because it has not tangibly materialized).

Honestly,

I wish You really well in all your endeavors. Really really well. I have absolutely NO malice in my heart for anyone. But, please do not disturb my personal space.

I hope you'll *respect* that. Truly.

**************************************

And to all those truly valued and respected people, I might be a bitch sometimes, but trust me, I never want to hurt you ever, even if that means keeping myself from falling to pieces, or not being angry at people who violate my privacy.

Thanks for being around.

Creativity on multiple fronts?

So, here's what I recently made. Why? I do not know. I have this stupid character trait of channelizing my energy away from the negativity. Specially when the negativity tends to seep in from every nook and corner of my life. Through my eyes, when I see things and people;through my ears, when I hear them; through my nose, when I smell the fragrances that take me to nostalgia; through the touches, both craved for, and shirked away from; through the tastes of things that were pleasant in past and unpleasant later. My own words taste bitter on my tongue, my heart years for solace and my eyes are sore from crying.

What do I do at such times? Usually I wallow, I weep, cry, scream silently in agony, ending up hurting myself. This time, I decided to be different. I decided to take up a new hobby, add some sense of self worth to myself and my life. And the pictures are just the first day/first sample/first gift to one of my beloved friends, whom I gifted another set exactly identical to this one :)

Some people think, I'm unstable, unreliable, gullible, multi-talented but vastly distracted. I do not know if you believe in Horoscopes and astrology, but for those who do, my start-chart makes me such. I am not using this as an excuse. I DO try hard to focus, I really do. But, I usually function best when I multi-task. Is being myself (even if it means being weak, gullible, distracted, but my own self nonetheless), so so bad?

I do not know, but for now I bask in the glory of everything I do :) even if it's about making pearl strings.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

I really wish I could Die

You!!! Yes, You! The woman in the mirror? Who are you?

Definitely not me. I was vibrant, strong, compassionate, kind and forgiving. You are listless, weak, either passionate or cold, unkind and revengeful. You are not me. Because of You I died, what right do You have to survive?

I am someone who's naive enough to think that I can be a pillar of strength to any one. I am a pest. I survive on others' love. I think I'm so great that I can love them? I can't even forgive people when they've NOT done anything wrong. And I can't forget it when they HAVE done something wrong.

I am obsessed, unruly, unworthy, a slut to the core of my mean and nasty heart. I care for nothing nor do I want to. I have no reason to survive.

But you forget that You're loved by those naive people who think you can love. You are liked by those who are naive enough to think of you as innocent as dove.

You are hollow, or looks, nor money. No position, no status, forget the maturity and the love you profess. You are nothing, just a fleck of dust, unworthy, set up for repeated failure and no success.

Go take a fuck and make it fly, this is what they to the likes of you. You think your poisoned tears are as pure as morning dew. Whom do you think you're kidding, you prude you bitch you naive woman. All you want is attention and you understand nothing of being Human.

But I wish I was back to the kid I was, to be able to think in poetry again. Not the tidbits that I write now, but the old when I was sane. All I want is just a single touch of love and desire in my life. But I hate the pity that I get, I hate the respect, I feel stabbing myself with a knife.

I want to give up or give in at least one. I want to talk and yet to push away everyone. I hope I either recover, or else this misery may end my life and may I never suffer.

Friends whom I love, foes whom I like, people whom I wish to do thinks for and serve. I do not wish to suffer You every moment, because I'm mean enough to want returns.

I am rambling, I know, I know not how to deal. I am numb at the time, when emotions I feel. I really wish I could die.

Lord,
Help me accept that it's my shortcoming,
to misunderstand people's intentions when earnest.
Lord, make me accept that all they've been,
in their dealings with me is fair and honest.

Lord, help me feel through the pain I get,
the strength to serve all around me.
Just numb me a tiny wee bit so that,
the bonds do not bound me.

And if Thee would do nothing O Lord,
give me the strength to face this.
And if not even that, why not take my life,
with your hands since I cannot take this.

Give me courage to die,
either once and for all,
or inch by inch every day.
Lord, help me bear the pain that hurts,
or give me an escape-way.

I really wish I could die, O Lord.
This I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Have I changed?

So, last few weeks, I've been very busy, cranky and a lot of other things. Last few weeks were a roller coaster. I was travelling to Delhi, visiting friends, staying in a wonderful University campus, meeting relatives, reliving some of my past, collecting my work laptop from my employer and my best friend of last five years and doing what not. In fact I met two of my online acquaintances too - One was someone I knew for last 3 years and another, whom I had interacted for a little while.

I did finally accept a mentor to help me through. I spoke with someone whom I really like and I think I even love. He asks me to take it slow and steady and in a matured way and that makes perfect sense to me.I suffered from a severe pms and a depressive phase, and then small phases of constant working for 40 hours, 50 hours and god knows how long. Went completely spiritual for a little while and became absolutely agnostic and atheistic with complete lack of compassion for another few.

So, pretty much a huge energy swing that I've been riding took me through the high's and low's. But the best part is that I do NOT regret any moment of this. I do not feel sad about even my sadness. It was good to feel cranky and yet be able to engross myself into work so deeply (at least for some time) that I could practically forget about everything else.

I've finally got a good job and I hope and pray it sticks for some time, but I guess I'll have to return to this space again for some time and back to journaling the minute details of my day to day life and also observe the changes.

But whilst I've been going through all these roller coaster phases, one thing that I've realised is that I've changed. I've changed in the way I think, the way I behave, the way I deal with people.

I am still the same maternal Mother Teresa kind of woman (he he:P) but the best part is that most of the times, I don't over worry or get over-concerned. Most times, I try to see the situation as distantly as I can, keep myself as detached as I can and yet try to help people around me, in my own small ways.

Yes I do commit mistakes, I do bitch about things, I do complain, fret, be nasty. But NEVER have I intended to harm or cheat someone. This IS something I'm really really proud of.

I do not know what exactly has changed, but I d sense the growth and the development and the change and the evolution (Or devolution for that matter.)

Lord,

I pray to Thee,

give me the spirit,

the strength

and the peaceful serenity,

to accept the changes around me,

with all serenity and peace and

understand what Your motives behind them may be.

So that,

I may be a true instrument for Your purpose,

whatever it might me.

This I ask in Your pure name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Teaching and Me

Last two months (?) or may be one, since I decided I will not write CAT again, at least not in near future of some 3-5 years, I have been emptying my head time and again and looking and delving deep down in it. I realized, I need a break fro almost everything and need to find out what I really love doing. What I'm really passionate about?

It could be someone that was a part of my old life, something that's new only because I haven't tried it, or something that I have no clues about. So, it could also involve looking for a blind spot, that I do not know about.

And, then I realized it for the 1000th time in life - I love teaching!!!

So, scheduling and organizing everything in my life so as to be able to teach very soon :) ASAP :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

31.8.10

Ok, so here's a small update. Small, but a decent one I'll try to make it.

I spent quite some time online today, printing some boring History of English literature, details of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dryden, Milton, Webster and others who are resting peacefully in their graves now.

And kept posting on a lifestyle site and on my mail list as well :) It was fun. I guess, I'm waiting for the 6th to get the result and once it's out, I'd have better clarity. I also feel I'd be visiting a therapist as soon as I can find one, and would be going for an eyebrow plucking and hair cut soon :)

S, here I was reading Shakespeare and then I remembered that I needed some passport sized photographs and a seal for my personal library and book collection. So, I finally got some clicked today and ordered the stamp too :)

And now, I'm ready to hit the sack it seems, rather to hit the sack and start reading all I've printed through out the day.

Love,

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Depression Finally

So, it's finally kicking in! My depression once again. May be it's because I tend to care for people easily. May be because it's just because I care for people a bit too much. or May be it's because of a natural phase, pms or else my regular depressive bout. This year has been the worst. This is the first time, when my bipolar bouts have been the most uncontrolled and unhandleable and unmanageable.

But this is my worst phase in last 10 years. I simply can't manage it. BUT, I will NOT go to a shrink. I will NOT give in my battle, the battle and war I've fought for so long. Because each small battle matters in the consequences of the overall War.

But, I will not allow myself to degenerate either. I will not allow myself to hurt other people, even if it means leaving them and causing myself unbearable pain. I know, even moving on will hurt, but the fact is that such phases will come, more and with more severity. Such phases will henceforth increase in both intensity and frequency, unless I actually settle down. And the only way to settle down is to actually settle down. There's no other way or short cut. And in spite of me trying furiously and my best, it will happen when it has to. I can't reduce the duration of my M.A. I can just prevent it from being longer. The second alternative is to quit studies altogether.

The third is to take some time, forget about everything else, EVERYTHING.......lifestyle, relationships, family, friends and everything else. To many people this will sound melodramatic. Many won't understand the hurt it is causing me to even think of committing online suicide.

But, just because I care, just because I want to make everyone around me happy, doesn't mean I'm a spineless creature. When I don't respond, You feel hurt. When I respond, You feel overwhelmed because then I want all of it.

I am not really a middle ground person. I do things either with full desire/zeal, or not at all. Perhaps, this stems from my bipolar. I don't want to get into the medicine/shrink stuff because that will kind of make me someone dependent on meds and I of course do not live in US / canada with a social security :(

So, if You get associated with me, expect that only. :( And trust me, if You at any point choose to move away from me, because I am being a jerk with my mania/depression, bipolar, I'll understand :( Sad, yes I will be, but I will understand Your need for balance and middle grounds.

This 'You' can be anyone.....friends, acquaintances past and present relationships, family everyone. I am free and You are free too.

I don't know what am I writing, and I haven't actually even once re-read it, or edited it. But, I am weeping right now again. Now this is another sign of my depression. I get weepy often when I am in that depressive phase. Please do not bother/fret/pay heed. I wish to be left alone and yet I wish to be cared for, protected right now. I have been pushing away people from me last whole week, and yet I want to stay around them. But, I understand this causes them hurt and confusion.

Please forgive me, if I've hurt anyone. And even if You can't understand me or my behavior, rest assured of one thing. I will never cause You harm, hurt intentionally and I care :( I Love all those people who've touched my life even once, and no this is not altruism or greatness or any other such crap. This is just who I am :(

Regards,

Anu

Break

On a Hiatus for some time now, focusing on demands of life.

Regards,

A

A Week Later

A week later, I reflect back...... Three sleepless nights back to back. Unwilling to focus, a mind hyperactive. Unable to rest at peace, a heart sad and hurting, and yet, undaunted firm of being able to overcome - a fighting spirit.

No, it's not the sanctimonious or self-righteous me, nor is it me surrounded by a horde of friends, willing to support me. In fact at this moment I'm as lonely as I can be :)I am happily willing to let go. But, at the same time, I do wish to hold on. I can't let go of my precious friends like that. in this dilemma, here's what:

I am thankful to my friends and to God for them. People who care for me, no matter what. People who stand and stick around. And, people who help me move on when some others hurt me and simply can't let go.

And I just want to say this......

I Love You even when I err and go away.
I love You always, not only when I stay.

And here's what I say to the Lord, for those of us who have been blessed, and those who think they haven't been (though it's not true).

I pray to Thee O Lord,

Give us all,
the strength to accept,
with grace both yes and no,
and to be able to be friends,
and not create an unnecessary foe.

Give us the strength Lord,
to move On.
To realize that the death of somethings,
means something else is reborn.

Help us all to accept O Lord,
That different folks and different strokes,
of pleasure, pain and paint,
and I hope no one chokes.

within walls they have created around themselves,
and the unnecessary baggage that they drag from the shelves.

Help those of us specially O Lord,
who find ourselves helpless,
in anger, misery and frustration,
futile and useless.

Let no Man think He's the grandest of all,
able to decide the universal right and wrong.
Let no woman think, she's the prettiest of all,
for there are men and women more pretty, ore strong.

To those who trust, have faith, let them keep it,
O Lord, lest they lose it and be alone.
Let the sighs of All be of pleasure,
and not of pain and not into moans and groans.

But most of all,
forgive me Lord,
for though I ask all this of thee.
Some times, of rejection, chastisement and care,
and all sincere protection I flee.

Forgive me for the unwanted hurt I cause,
Forgive me when I grit my teeth, grind my jaws.
Forgive me when I hurt friends,
Forgive me when I can ignore the fiends.
Forgive me when I'm sad, for You didn't intend me to be.
Forgive me when I'm sorry for the way You made me.

But most of all Lord,
Make me Love all,
for in all the universe, Your breaths,
alone rise and fall.

This I ask in Your pure Name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Uncluttered Life

So, I finally uncluttered a lot of things in last 3 days. Life, thoughts, book-shelves, room and head:P My book-shelves have more books, but more organised and those that are contributing to something. The rest are all packed and away.

My life has fewer friends than past, but those that are worth it, and some of them -do- receive my blog posts in their mails. They might have set me for block though, am not sure :)

My relationships are much smoother and less confusing, commitment shifts happening, in terms of friends as well as valued people. I see and observe people being unable to get over, unable to move on, people who crib, whine, pout because they didn't get what they needed and wanted. The more important word here is want. And then I dislike them and end up disliking them.

When I wrote my post on 'My Name is Khan' I had to an extent realized that I was also being a whiny and a pouty mean bitch, but today I realized that being a whiny cribber was my past.

I am proud of my decisions and am glad I took them in-spite of all my dilemma, and in spite of all the hurt it caused to me. It does not matter what people think about it and how do they react to it. Honestly, it just doesn't affect me anymore.

So, back to uncluttering,this shows that I have uncluttered my heart of many emotional entanglements that were bonds of strength at one time and negative bonds at another. Today I feel so cleansed, free and pure. Not because of who I am in my real, physical life, but because I am learning to respect myself for who I am and because I've covered one more step closer to that :)

For now, back to studies!!! :) But, before that,

Lord,

Give me strength,
not to fight others,
but,
to fight myself..
And,
come out a Victorious winner.

I know Lord,
The winner stands alone,
but grant me the grace,
to share the victory,
so that I may be with loved ones,
and those too, who do not love me.

Grant me the power to love,
unconditionally.
And Lord,
make this unconditional love mean to me,
something that I can share without discrimination.

In Other words Lord,

Make me an instrument of Your peace and Love.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Abrupt Choices and Random Thoughts

I made two abrupt choices today. To finish off Shantaram and to join a Mehandi course. I loved drawing the shapes that have long lured, attracted and enchanted me:) For quite some time now, I have applied henna on palms. But now I'll learn more, better and harder. Those patterns help me fill my gaps, silences. I understand today in reality what did I find intriguing in Athena's wanting to fill the gaps (during her calligraphy classes) when I read 'The witch of Portobello'. I today had a similar urge. I wanted every inch of the paper to be full of those patterns, and not just those columns or organised patterns. I wanted, yearned for it suddenly to completely erratic. And I wished I could be as erratic too.

I suddenly had the need to restart reading Shantaram, I do not know why. I haven't slept for last 38 hours now, and am still not sleepy, and am just fine and OK. I have some 100 pages more to go with Shantaram and then I'll be free to re-read those parts that I want to think over and ponder over. There are quotes I wish to mull over.

I also have to do a lot of vocab from that book, it's good :D The figures he mentions about crime, the facts about the organised crime as in the end of twentieth century, the facts about a man used, manipulated, misguided, cheated and resilient enough to be resurrected, this book has somehow kept me entwined in its intricacies of human life/thought/nature.

I also wish I could write something, something that wouldn't make much sense and yet would be sensible enough. I wish I could do that. Something more than this blog. I miss my singing classes too. I wonder if I'll ever have enough money to be able to pursue reading, writing, singing without working like a yoked ox, or without worrying for basic amnesties. Sometimes I do wish I was Lin minus his criminal instincts. Or may be I'm already that.

But, enough musing for now :)