On 28.10.08 : Pleading for Help to God !

I feel like writing something today. Hindi is getting tough and tough for me to write now. I fail when I try to write in Hindi. The hands start aching and the sentence length is reducing day - by - day. Sometimes, i feel frustrated because my thoughts are always, racing, and sometimes because the hand is slow. Also, for past 6 years, I haven't used Hindi at all, so that becomes even tougher. I want to write a lot and like anything, but the thought process is so speedy, racing and then gets disoriented eventually, if not expressed as swiftly as it comes................. (All this, had been written in Hindi)

(The following portion was written in English Originally)

I know I want to write, about a lot of things. There is a lot of thought process boiling and bubbling in my mind. I wish to accept within my self that I'm happy without certain things in life. I'm sad mainly because their substitutes aren't available. Something to keep me always busy is very very necessary. However, my bipolar makes everything tough. At times I can be racing and hypermaniac, looking for all sorts of activities, i can decently indulge in, and at others, i seek none.

I know I am postponing my thought process. I know I try to block my thoughts, so that people don't think I'm mad or 'a gone case'. But, eventually I fail, since they start taking a heavy toll on me. 10 days more, and i'll be all tears, all depression, exhaustion and sadness (p.s. now I know it happened exactly as i predicted, and i wish i could have done something to avoid that situation)

Perhaps a journal keeping shall help., as that would reduce my thought preessure allowing it to be released and vent out before it becomes explosively overwhelming.

Life these days is excessively upsetting and on a roller coaster, and equally disoriented is my mind. I know I don't need to be organised while writing my journals and I know I can have a free expression, and yell at my notebook, scream at it, and be free as i want. But perhaps, life doesn't allow me even that much luxury.

(My note book has the following 2-3 sentences in Bold, Large sized letter, large enough to occupy, Two pages)

I need literature, music, meditation, singing, some physical activity perhaps dance. I know I don't need crap! Help me God! Help me please!!! I need peace within, harmony within.

Whom am I trying to convince? Again, my self - denying stupid, self. But I need to learn what should (not want) to deny and what not. I need to learn when, whom and why to deny.

I read some where that self justification is next to self - pity, and I always self - justify myself, since I am taught that. I need to grow, to spread my winds, be fearless, and explore whatever I want to. Why hesitate?

There are things that I can't deny or change, and there are others which I can. Just, that I feel the lack of will, and loneliness extreme. But, does seeking companionship mean, I'll seek anything that comes across? any crap? any stuff? No, I won't do that. I refuse to do so. I'll learn very very tough though it may be. I WILL convince myself.

Help Me God!!! Help me please!!! I need Your mercy God!!! Help Me!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)