Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Last few days

Life has been busy like anything,
I've been trying to manage everything.
With grave depression creeping in,
I can practically focus on Nothing.

Busy life is a break from inner demons,
even if not exactly like and angle from heaven.
It cuts me off, like an isolated vessel on a shelf,
making my emotions go berserk, hurting my inner self.

.................


Lord,
help me survive,
not through control,
but through tolerance, patience........
and submission.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A prayer long forgotten

I wrote this prayer on the 6th of June, it is still in this blog. But, I came across it, when I was just poking around my nose in the older posts, realizing the changes I've undergone, this is where I realized, I was actually thankful and willing to realize the beauty of the LOrd in every and anything :)

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Lifestyles and Relationships : 3

• Communication: It has to be both sided.

When I talk about communication, what I mean is definite conveying of information, emotions and thoughts. And IT HAS TO BE BOTH SIDED period.Any relationship...... vanilla, kink, alternative lifestyle, or may be just a friendship or a relationship with one's kith and kin, communication is the key. Not all of us are mind readers. Most of us are people who do not often understand what the other person is thinking, though we might have a feeling or a hunch.Also, though we all say that one shouldn't be selfish and expect a lot from a relationship, we all know it as well for a matter of fact, that we DO EXPECT something from these relationships.

While in communication, the medium is important, I believe that what's more important is the regularity, order, and intensity of communication. This depends on various factors, and varies from couple to couple.

Some, people are okay with communications across weekends, other require it to be daily/once in two days. There are some others, who prefer it daily from one side, and others who prefer it one sided regularly, but less frequent from the other side.

For some, it's enough to know the well being, for others it's important that they share details. Sometimes, the communicative expectations differ between the two partners. For eg. One of them might be over expressive, requiring regular re-assurance and communication, while the other one is comparatively less communicative.

Situations like these might create complications if not resolved properly and in time. However, I'm not trying to say that they are unresolvable though.

I started this post on the 3rd, changed it to the 4th and am completing it on the 7th. I know,. this isn't a perfect post, but what ever came to my mind, I just completed.

But, so long, so far, it's OK.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today : 5.12.09 Monotonous and irritating

Today was a hectic day. Couldn't sleep till 3a, last night. Woke up at 6:30a, struggled to start my scooter, kicked it around 50 times, had to inform my manager that I may be half an hour late, and then called the office boy to give the students some papers to solve, while I traveled in a local conveyance.

But, fortunately, bro woke up, kicked it a couple more times till the scooter finally started and I ended up 10 minutes late, but definitely not 30 :)

Taught from 7:30a - 12p. Looked after a bit of official documents, handed over the cash, my colleague had given me before leaving, and the keys as well. Reached University at 2p, studied a bit (the teaching as well as my syllabus material).

It so happened that I forgot to eat anything today till it was 6.30 p, and I had to leave for home from University. The scooter was cranky again, and no one else was around, they had left together (all of them are guys). It was dark, I was alone and afraid. This scooter needs to be dumped now. Does nothing except drinking petrol.

I dragged it to the main University gate, and tried to restart once more before giving up, which finally worked. Reached home around 30 minutes ago....Its 8p now..... will head off to sleep probably.


© anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer in Solitude

Lord,

Solitude....
sometimes chosen, sometimes not.
But, why did You tie it with me,
when it brings me to naught?

A question I ask,
not in insolence in the least....
You made me a human,
but with SOME instincts of a beast.

And, if beast I had to be,
then why not make me gregarious.
Why make me lonely,
and not jocular and hilarious.

Why did You want me,
to be over sensitive O Lord!
Sure, You DO know that,
sincerity is a both sided sword.

Lord,
give me sincerity,
to take things seriously.
But,
Please.....
give me some space,
to flutter and at times fly free.

Help me see and overcome my fallacies.
Guide my vision, beyond the galaxies.

Make me nothing, but a toll of Your will.
Pull me along, while climbing uphill.

Make me nothing, but to myself and others true.
Lord, help me prove, I'm but a part of You.

Amen!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today

I woke up at 6:30a, reached work at 7:30a, taught till 9:30a, read Your mail, briefly replied, worked some more helped some students fill up their applications with different B-schools.

Reached back home at around 1 p. Did a whole lot of dishes, almost every single dish was in the sink....mom had gone to a funeral.

Brother suffered from a severe pain in urinary bladder..... He has a stone again, in fact two..... one in the kidney and the other in the bladder.Dad took him to the doc, called up mom who joined them at the hospital. His pain is less now, and he's back to his studies and work.A colleague is going on a long leave..........

That's all for now..... didn't study for exam, not even for the lecture, and no spirituality either.

Life is busy, monotonous, but easy..... at least my thoughts aren't heavy.... as of now.... no cravings, no needs, no overwhelming desires, nothing !!!

Lord,
Thank You for giving me dishes to clean...
for that means, there was food,
and more than that,
there were mouths to be fed,
loved and cared for.

Amen!!



© anu (Exploring Myself)

CAT: The actual experience

Here's my experience.....

Staff: well trained and co-operative.
Mobile/Wrist watch packet deposition facilities : available

I reached the center half an hour prior to the scheduled reporting time, since I'd apprehensively left early for the test center: just in case.

We were allowed to move in with our admission letter, CAT Voucher and Photo ID at around 2:00 p.m.

Security and personal scrutiny was done in a thorough yet polite manner. Loose cash was allowed as long as it was not in the wallet. Wrist watches, mobile phones and any pen, pencils the students might have carried in pockets, were kept in similar pouches, tags allotted.

Once inside, we had our biometrics captured. So, by the time every one was done with it all, it was 3:00p. We were allowed a 5 minutes break within the secured area, for water or to use rest room.

The staff intimated us about the QUIT and the END button........ and the other basic operations even before the tutorial. They were co-operative, in fact One of them actually tried to see if something could be done to help a local candidate who hadn't got His original ID,and just an UNATTESTED Xerox. I actually saw her calling up 5 different people, including pro metric people, if something could be done to save the student from being sent home without attempting the test.

Eventually we were allowed to use the tutorial, and then start the tests.

The exam went good and smoothly. I could relate to most questions as being related to concepts being taught in classes and handouts.

All in all, guys though I didn't fare exceptionally well, (well of course, but not exceptionally) I can assure something...... If You've done Your handouts, sectional tests and MC's, RCT's, AIMCAT's well,(the key word is: If You've been regular and thorough round the year) You'll find the paper a child's game.

But then, it would vary with individuals and their personal experiences.

The paper was over in the scheduled duration, and we were allowed to leave. There were no technical glitches, except for a restart or two at the very beginning of the test, so no one really panicked or anything.

Brother came to pick me back very late after the exam, and co-incidentally the exam had gotten over before the expected time. So, I -DID- panic after the exam ;)

This was the way things went.... My thoughts later.....Reached the town pretty late.

Regards,
Anu

D-Day - CAT 2009

I'm going to write The prestigious(not so prestigious) CAT exam today. After teaching the morning class, I'll depart from the Institute directly to the bus stand with my Younger brother, and then proceed to Jaipur for the exam.

My prime objective is to attempt the English section, and then try attempting as many questions from the other sections as possible. Had it been not for my job, and the double PG's I'm doing, I'd probably have looked into it more seriously and as an aspirant. Now, I AM an aspirant, but a non-sincere one :(

God help me.

Lifestyles and Relationships : 2

• Compatibility: When I talk of Compatibility, I mean by it, all sorts of compatibilities..... emotional, cultural, moral, intellectual, psychological, physical and of course spiritual.

To elaborate let's assume an example.... If I'm in love with a person and seek to get into a relationship with him, I'd look into a lot of things. (here, I'd be specifically considering an amorous relationship). Is he an Indian? If yes, then is a broadminded Indian or a narrow - minded one. As in, does he believe in the orthodox practices or does He believe in the flexibility of people at different places and times?

I'd consider, If he's not an Indian, then what culture is he? am I comfortable with his culture? If yes, do we agree on the dress sense in general, do we agree on our public behavior, is a voyeur or an exhibitionist? If yes, am I the same? Do I like the same activities as he does, if not, can I bring myself to enjoy his chosen activities, and he mine?

There are of course, exceptions to these rules, depending on the kind of lifestyles people live in. For eg. If it were a M/s lifestyle or a D/s lifestyle, probably it would be only one person wanting to adjust. But even there, vanilaa elements do occur. However, if the relationship was a vanilla relationship purely, probably both would adjust.

So, this involves a whole lot. What if I'm a staunch Hindu and He's a Christian or may be plain agnostic, sceptic? May be I believe in over charity and he doesn't ! May be he's extrovert, part-animal, I'm a recluse! May be he likes living in dark rooms and I prefer bright, sunny rooms. May be He's corpulent, huge! I am skinny..... we have all seen relationships fall apart at times with drastic changes in the external persona. At least I have ! So, if You two people are going to eventually live together, please..... I advise You unsolicitedly......think before You decide!!

This having been said, let's have a look at the general (NON-AMOROUS) relationships. If we look at the set of our friends, often we find that we have many subsets amongst the set of friends whom we group together. For an example, I might have a small group of friends who goes with me to the music class. We all enjoy good music, sing well, share audios and videos etc. But, may be I do not like a certain person personally, because of her/his wiered dressing sense :|

Of course, I wouldn't go to shop clothes with the same person. At the same time, may be I won't exchange a musical CD with someone who helps me choose my clothes. My writer friends might not accompany me to lunches because they are non-vegetarian, and prefer different joints, while my colleagues may be my friends at work, and yet not my companions on a night out.

So, You see, it VARIES! Like I said before, (or may be I didn't : ) )we as human beings are open loop limbic systems when it comes to our emotions, feelings and interpersonal interactions. It's not my circulatory system that wouldn't depend on the other person's. It's my thought process, my aura, my emotional sensitivity and whole lot of stuff.

So, on an end note for this post.... I believe that for the success of any relationship, the key factor is compatibility, and I mean it in 'HOLISTIC' terms :)

Regards,
©anu (Exploring Myself)

LifeStyles and Relationships : 1

Disclaimer:This series of posts MAY contain some adult content. Also, though I would try to be dispassionate about my analysis and treatment of the subject, at times my views might not appear as traditional or conventional. If such be the case, I request the reader to not feel offended.


I have been recently thinking a lot about relationships...Their basic nature, types, causes, effects......and everything...

I have had thoughts hurting my head of late. Thoughts about different kinds of lifestyles, and different kinds of relationships people talk. I am not here, talking about the relationships between a family in the traditional sense. I am primarily thinking about the relationship of a man who is not related to a woman by blood. Probably, these thoughts have been lying low for a lot of time, and are a part of my evolution, my growth and metamorphosis.

Contd..... on 30.11.09

To me, a relationship is one of those few precious posessessions (I mean it....POSESSIONS! )a human being can have. A relationship is an immensely satisfying part of almost every human being's life. It's just the kind of relationship a person wants, that varies.

What varies is not the unbearable, overwhelming need to belong, but the idea of whom to belong to. In different relationships, and for different people what changes is not the place where the relationship happens, not the medium of communication and not even the distance, but the level, intensity and sense of belonging.

What changes with the couple/group involved is not the emotions or the basic elements of relationship. But, what changes is that different people treat and handle these elements differently and that is what makes these relationships unique. This is what makes these relationships so different, and so much a cause of both pleasure and pain.

I guess a few basic elements of a relationship are:

• Compatibility: emotional, intellectual, psychological, physical and of course spiritual.
• Communication: It has to be both sided.
• Compassionate Passion
• Collective efforts
• Care and unconditional Love.

These are what I call the 5 C's of a relationship. IN the next post of the series, I'll discuss these in details, with examples as I can think of that.

Till then, lots of love and regards,
Anu
©anu (Exploring Myself)

Trying to calm myself

Lord,

I complain, I fret.
I toil hard, covered in sweat.
To make things right,
when I'm not in control.
To reduce my plight,
when I can't resurrect my heart and my soul.

Distressed with the world,
troubled with my feelings....
I wish I would die..
But, then I think...
I must be fair in dealings,
shouldn't make loved ones cry.......

can't continue...... can't think further..... will continue and write when I can.
30.11.09...

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The pirates' Song

The king and his men,
Stole the Queen from her bed,
And bound her in her Bones,
The seas be ours,
And by the powers,
Where we will, we'll roam.

Yo Ho, haul together,
Hoist the colors high,
Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,
Never Shall We Die!

Some men have died,
And some are alive,
And others sail on the sea,
With the keys to the cage...
And the Devil to pay,
We lay to Fiddler's Green!

The Bell has been raised,
From it's watery grave...
Do you hear it's sepulchral tone?
We are a call to all,
Pay heed the squall,
And turn your sail toward home!

Yo Ho haul, together,
Hoist the colors high
Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,
Never Shall We Die!



Source: Pirates of The Caribbean at The world's end.

I like the music, though not essentially the lyrics.... But I like the two lines.....Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,Never Shall We Die!

Love,
Anu

I am but a part of You

I look at the sky,
the roof so high,
spread equally over head,
hiding the cosmos shy.

I look at the earth,
the Terra firma.
spread beneath the feet,
vast hiding lava and magma.

I view the oceans,
spread vast and beyond.
with water unrestrained,
hiding... of tears and salt.... a bond!

I wonder where on this vast land...
A tiny speck like me has a stand?
I realize, I'm but everywhere,
as long as I care, as long as I share.

I'm nothing and
None the less a being divine too,
for Lord, I'm nothing,
I'm but, a part of You.



©anu (Exploring Myself)

A long Prayer

O Lord,

I am here,
bringing myself to thee,
in submission to thy will.
But, heavenly Father,
They say that You alone are the father to Your children,
and hence desires if any,
must be expressed to You, and
be granted by You.

Lord,
In this world,
I come across different people,
who treat and understand things differently.
I come across those,
full of purity,
and those full of impurities too.
I understand purity and impurity are relative O Lord!
And, that You love all Your children equally.

But, should the children err,
what their fate shall be no one knows.
No one except...
You divine Father!

I pray to thee........
to make me see...
what I must,
what You wish for me.

Help me judge Your designs O Lord!
Not so that I may become a seer,
but so that I may love,
and not fear.

Lord!
make me believe in knowledge granted by You,
and make me seek the truth, if for just moments a few.
For, the truth delivers,
and ignorance is not bliss.
And to fully surrender to a Master,
One must understand the designs that are His.

This prayer, I bring to Thee Lord,
Through the souls You've delivered,
Through Your disciples who sought You,
and finally found You.

Deliver me from evil.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Pic that represents freedom

yes!!! here's the link for the pics... http://www.jonathonart.com

Prayer of serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6



This is a wonderful prayer one of my friends had forwarded to me. I thank her very much :)
And, here's mine:



Lord,
Grant me strength,
humility and desire,
to bring necessary changes,
and to avoid those that may hurt others.

Grant me Your love,
that I may share it with those around me O Lord!

Amen!!

Attention v/s Information :Long Distance Relationships

I'm writing this post for a few reasons:

1. As an expression for those people who are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), and can't say this to their partner, for whatever reasons.
2. To understand my own prospective better about a few things.
3. To analyze and share my understanding of relationships in general. Of course my opinion may be wrong.

I have been thinking for last few days now. In Most long distance relationships, what bugs people the most is not the lack of attention. They know that their partner is around. Rather, what bugs them is the lack of information and communication. What they REALLY are interested in, is the knowledge that You're well, fine, safe, and happy.

Of course, I am not denying the fact that they aren't interested in knowing in which friends their partner met, or which party did they attend. Of course they DO want to know all that and are interested in all that. But, if You're busy, this CAN wait. But, what for most people can't wait is the knowledge that You're OK.

Let's take for an eg. a couple who's married to each other. They are in Govt. Jobs, and they would want to stay together in the same town and house. But, IF one of them is in a transferable job, and has to relocate alone, it's not always possible that his partner relocates too. There can be endless reasons for this: kids, study, business, family, dependent parents, career and what not.

Now, in a typical Indian scenario what would happen is that they would talk at least once everyday, more in times of need, or emergency. They might not talk for hours, or may just talk for a few minutes, saying...'Hey! I'm fine, I've written a long mail.I'm still in the office, and will get in touch soon'. If let's say, one person cannot call, the other would definitely check in.

Scenario no. 2. A newly wed couple: Husband finds a wonderful job in a country which has a 12 hours time zone difference, and huge calling costs. Or it could be a typical (read 'real')LDR, where in a couple explores the relationship overseas, across the 'oceans and seas' literally.

They decide that : Calling is costly, mailing is cheaper, sms is costlier than a call. So, they would mail each other, and let each other know where, how, and in what condition they are.

This is Information that keeps both reassured that the other is fine.

And THIS, I think is what most couples seek.....And This is where care and concern still remains non-interfering as long as both understand it :)

...........I've been trying to write beyond this, but I've not been able to compose any further, so posting as it is on 09.11.09

Rest till later :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

All alone : A small prayer for patience

Lord,

Help me realize what You seek from me.
To be able to survive lonely,
all alone.

Give me strength to fight my need for reassurance.
The need for submission, Lord!
Let it be gone.

Bring me to the world of reality,
cruel, harsh and unpleasant though.
There's always a difference between what we seek and get,
The small difference Father!
Let me know.

Wisdom to change things,
the way they should be...
To change them,
when the time is right...
Grant me divine!
The will to accept,
those that I can't change..
with all my might.

Make me patient,
with those I care for.
And with those who're neither my friends...
Help me realize,
Love requires me to wait,
and worthy display patience and passion's blends.

Make me care for others Lord!
without being possessive for them.
Let me realize, they know the best,
and that You care for all of them.

Help me struggle,
with my concern and impatience,
in spite of the immense love,
with all might,
at all times,
and All Alone!!!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Miracles

Miracles....
of love,
are immensely beautiful,
and wonderfully precious....

They however aren't always pleasant,
but at times bring love through hurt.

And, yet every moment in life,
is nothing,
but a moment of truth,
of magic,
A True Miracle!

Lord!
Help me see the omens of my life,
Help me move....
towards the destination...
You alone could have designed for me.

Help me realize,
that unless I cause harm,
All of my wishes and dreams,
are my arms...
In the battle of survival,
between Bliss and Grief.

Lord,
make me move ahead,
every moment, every day...
Towards the destination of service,
through humility's way.

Give me strength,
to change the things that I can.
And more to accept,
those that I can't.

And amidst the tears that silently flow,
of heart-ache and quiet pain...
Let my face reflect, learning's glow,
and let knowledge be my gain...

Lord, help me experience both sorrow and joy,
Wisdom from grief, and bliss to enjoy....
Give me the capability to share O Lord!
If I cannot break free from attachment's cord.....

Help me cause some miracles please!
In my demise I may smile with ease,
Glad to make some one feel loved,
With the mind firm, but heart gloved.

The miracles of love and beauty,
may they exist forever.
May Humanity succeed...
in Love's endeavor.


This I ask in Your holy name.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer: Failures and Success...confusion

Lord,
Guide me through the times,
both tough and easy.
Through times, when I do not know
what to ask of You, my Lord......

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Diwali celebrations begin

Then decorated the floors with designs and patterns (Alpana and Maandana). I made several of them with washable colors, since they have to be kept for no more than 4
days. And definitely I wouldn't want the marble permanently colored :) But all the stairs
and the floors of course are looking very nice.

Today I'll do the glass sticking so that the light from lamps is reflected at each step,
and the home would light up excessively well today.I love Diwali, if not for anything
else, for the fact that it lets me use a lot of my creativity in the aesthetic sense.

Tomorrow would come the rangoli.......more lamps today and tomorrow. Of course tomorrow also would come the crackers.... most of them would not be bombs, and hence no noise, rather just firecrackers will loads of sparkles :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The festive spirit of man

The festive spirit of man is one of his basic instincts, both at the levels of flesh, mind as well as soul. Festivals satisfy, that deeply embedded need of joy, pleasure, merriment and enjoyment of which, the basic is in the need and requirement for bliss....

Sukhavasane idamev saaram.... This small Sanskrit phrase can be interpreted in many ways...In the end of joy, this is the conclusion, or that...the death of a human being in joy and pleasure is the only conclusion... can be the other interpretation.

Its surprising to note how infectious this festive spirit can be, and for a heart broken, how equally devastating can it be as well.

The best part about it however, is that, it lets man be in touch with his surroundings, in harmony with culture, environment, society, internal pleasure, celebrations, and even environment as in scientifically.

For eg. Diwali is one such festival...
Spiritually:it signifies the triumph of truth,
Mythologically:The return of Rama, back to His Home,
Socially: The festive spirit of man, and his keeping in touch with friends and family
Culturally: the lighting of lamps to destroy the darkness
Environmentally: The destruction of pests and insects by the process of white-washes...etc....

Not to say of course, that the festival equally affects the economics of the country and the politics (specially when it is governed by the religious sentiment of the people), as well.

This is a typical example of how a festival permeates its essence in all aspects of human life, and how it portrays the all-pervading festive spirit of human beings.

Till later,
Love

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Brida

The conflict of finding two soul mates in life is immense and devastating.... specially for One who'd weak of mind, and more than that, unsure of heart. Not an easy decision it would be, if Brida would have to choose. But she just didn't have to. She had been following what she had heard her heart saying. But, tough, yes it definitely was, for the wizard who loved her.

Older to her by a number of years in age, experience and tradition, he knew he was her soul mate and just the vice-verse too. But, he chose to wait, and eventually lose, and yet be happy. I cannot explain ho many times have I wept while reading this book by Paulo Coehlo!

I don't want to delete this post right now, and would rename it/reform/edit it, once I can re-organize my thoughts.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Loneliness: need family

I know what a responsible, educated young woman.... or rather young lady means. But, the fact is I seek to have a family of my own. I wish I wouldn't have to worry about any sort of contributions, any sort of responsibility, and any sort of maturities.

Sometimes I think... Is money this important ? And, then I look at various examples of peopl and their lives all around me, to think that money IS definitely important. But there's something more important than that! Which is the sense of belonging. And we can't generate this sense of belonging. It has to come from within. I can very well imagine that I belong to some place, some people, a family or a group of friedns. But, the fact is that I still am lonely.... utterly, absolutely Lonely!

This sort of loneliness exists when the expectations in a relationship are higher than can be fulfilled or satisfied. Also, this sort of loneliness is there when we try to convince ourselves about the fake realities. Or, may be this is JUST my problem and nothing generic. Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, over the years, I have begun believing that this world is temporary, while soul is eternal, and hence I need things that are permanent too, and not those that are transient. Things and people or relationships, all mortal, wouldn't be able to satisfy me as something eternal would.

And yet, seeking eternal love or an eternal relationship, right from heaven, doesn't seem/isn't possible. Rather what seems possible is just being lonely and dead. Or else, to suffer amidst the numerous relationships across different births.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't spiritual or even aware of the word spirituality. Specially when the desires of flesh overwhelm me. To avoid/pacify these desires, I've tried...........what not? Relationships (rather the idea of being in relationships), friendships, family relations, ergomania, literature, hobbies, meditation, going out and culture and what not!!
The result?
Nothing seems to work!
Reason?
They too aren't permanent!

Now the crux of the problem is that I need things and people who'd stay longer than any thing, and I get what's just momentary. So what should I do? Should I become a renunciate? NO, because I'm submissive but not 'that' submissive. I've never been able to submit my soul to any rituals, practices or anything except the true force of this universe. The cause behind all causes. The "Sarva-kaaran-kaaranam" ! In different forms, shapes, with different names and what not.

I need God........ but the trouble is.. I need Him in the human form, something of my personal incarnation. I do not need anything less than a Master. But a Master, not of my flesh or mind alone. A Master, who would guide my soul on its path, and yet accept that He doesn't own my soul. I sometimes think I need a spiritual Master. But, the trouble is that I can't be bound to a hard and fast set of rituals and practices. And that also, I CANNOT DENY the desires of flesh. I can definitely subside it to some extent, and to suppress it when important, but I cannot JUST forget them.

Solution......... get married? Yes perhaps, but then the duties and the obligations call!
I wish I could just let my mind not think about any of this stuff, and let my destiny shape what I desired.

Lord,
You who have given me the mouth,
Are One who feeds me!
And I ?
I desire things different than those You give me.
Help me desire only which I deserve Lord,
and grant me that I deserve, if so You please.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)