Vaccum: the soul v/s the mind and heart

I am suffering from another of my vacuum pangs........ those pangs of the typical bipolar depressive phases. I am trying to absorb myself in work, even extra work, even that which doesn't bring me any benefits, neither monetary, nor intellectual or educational.

A part of me is cribbing about the extra work, but the fact is that the extra work exists because I agree to its existence. If I deny doing some work, no one can force me to do it, but the fact is that I do not want to deny it either. Why? because I know, if I stay back at Home, I'll have those bouts of a quarrelsome mood, and a very negative attitude. So, its better I work.

This vacuum seems to be more of an emotional and psychological nature rather than being that of a physical or materialistic nature, though the precipitating causes can be something as simple as .............why did a friend not pick my call just when I called, or why did mom not cook a certain vegetable, or why wasn't my printer functioning (though it now is).

Lord,
Help me sustain,
Help me survive.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The god of Earth

If to walk amongst us He chose,
it would be profanity. Some might say this.... but I guess thats not true.

If He stood high above, He could instill fear and not love, and then
one fine day....... He'd cease to be true.

For the fear of God, is not what humans need..... they long for an
entity, loving in deed.........

Thus, only when He walks the earth, shall He be the Real God!!!

Prayer:

If You are thee,
Please show me thyself.
For, I do not understand You,
but I wish to feel You,
and thenceforth always love You.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

About Ourselves : Do we share?

I've been thinking about writing on this since a long time now. The question I have is... do we share? If yes, with whom and how much? and why? I have this knack of thinking in terms of my 5 W's and 2 H's. SO For this too :)

The question is.... DO we share?

and the answer is....... Most of us DON'T!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I wish

My thoughts are very disoriented today, and I wish I could reorganize them

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mai Nadiya Fir bhi main pyaasi.........

Loneliness looming over me..........
I stand all alone,
on the other shore of the river of live,
O traveler!
When would you come?
I wish you'd do that soon!!!

This is the closest I could get to the translation, and whilst I write this.... I am sick and tired of my life. Why, I wish I could put in words, and explain.....

Lord,
Grant me sustainance!

Amen

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am who I am

I have beeen thinking last few days about who and what type of an individual am I. I sometimes feel that I am what the reality is... and at others what my fantacy is.... While I am both a slave and a tyrant when I read a medieval story, I am the white wizard if it comes to the wizard fantasy fiction. I am both a dragon slayer and a dragon ride, I am both Brida and also the magician. I am also Athena, as well as her teacher.

All these traits do not mean that I'm losing my mind, or that I do not know who I am, or that I have become Don Quixote who's lost in a world all unreal. The only thing this means is the fact that this world is just not the right for me. I picture myself as one who would design all these charachters. When I read these books, I live each of these charachters. There haven't been few days after I read Don Quixote that I worried I might once become like him. But, I somehow knew that I'd not be able to.

The only fact is that I wish to be larger than life. Though I do not underestimate myself, I know that real heroes turn out to be heroes, not because they are larger than life, but because they live each moment with all the passion and intensity they have. However, I wish to be who I am, a sensible human being, and yet in some way a woman whom the world might call Heroine.

I know my struggles are neither large nor small. They are just my share of all the struggles that people have to suffer. I also know that there's nothing like the best hero or the one and only hero. All the heroes who live life the way they should are sung of, and even the singing is not important. One does not need a saga written in one's name to be remembered, one just need the acceptance of oneself in one's times and by one's people, and perhaps that's what I crave for, in all the different roles that I read of, and that I can think of.

I have a whole lot of thoughts muddled in my mind right now, and in order to rearrange them, I'll take a break, and rest my fingers that have been typing for last 10 minutes incessantly.

Till then......

I am who I am!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Update

I have been very busy last few days. Last few days, the work load has increased and so has the stress of study. I feel very surprised at the way life has changed drastically. I do not understand what had brought this change so soon or so sudden. Or may be it wasn't sudden but was gradual, just that I didn't find time to reflect, ponder or dwell on it. My vocabulary has changed, while Hindi is gradually going for a toss.

I do not understand why have my personal temperaments changed too? Three days ago, I did something, I shouldn't have. Why? I felt an immense need to. However, if I repeat that same activity, I know I'll grow addicted.

The loneliness is growing high, and the fact is that I do not tend to realize the hit just because I do not find time to dwell on it. I do not understand what would happen if I wouldn't be so busy with two postgraduate degrees and a hell lot of work. But, the most troublesome of all is the fact that it's taking toll on my health, both physical, mental and emotional. More than I had really expected. Today even ^^^^^ ^^^ said that he feels I'm probably taxing myself too much. But the trouble with me is that academic bent of my mind. The trouble is my stubborn nature and the headstrong attitude.

For now, I have only three primary goals. To perform well as a trainer, and to constantly improve. To be a perfect sample of an efficient and effective student, and more than anything..............to keep myself safe and sane emotionally, physically and mentally. I know its going to be very tough, BUT I want to do it!!

Lord,
Grant me strength...not to win...but to fight !
Grant me wisdom....not only to learn...but also to share !
But more than anything Lord,
Grant me....... Sustainance!!

Amen!


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Why?

Why do I want to be a teacher? Or is that I really want to be a teacher? The answer is Not really. I want to be an educationist. I do not want to just teach. I also want my discretion in what to teach, and how to teach. My methodology is something I want to design myself.

Also, things that are often taught in the curricula have got nothing to do with the real things that should be learnt. Rather, they should be re framed, redesigned.

Rest....later....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Birthday Vacation

I know I sound eccentric at times, but I took up a two day vacation from work, studies and everything, which is going to extend till today later in the noon, approximately 12 hours from now. I am joining work again at 3:00 p.m. today, and what did I do last 2 days? Absolutely nothing except, reading, sleeping, writing emails and eating a little.

I have been worrying about a few things which I had of late stopped fretting about. However, I feel, I cannot resist being what I am, and that when I have excessive love accumulating in myself, I become all the more tensed up, troubled, and disoriented. But, I know this as a matter of fact.

I know about my bipolar issues as well, and I also know that I persist every time, because God helps me. He helps me sustain. I finished six books, fiction mainly. I re-read The Witch of Portobello. I'm on my way to the 6th new fiction in last two days, and I know that by the time I return to work tomorrow, I'd be done with this one, and a non- fiction to go along with it.

I am just desperately waiting for my MBA study material, which I shalll get most probably by the 1st of August, and that shall be the relieving part, getting me into the proffessional student mode once again. I also need to focus on the other degree I plan to do simultaneously.

I am simply happy at the good oppurtunity of having 3 full years at my hand, which I wish to use most judiciously and meticulously. I wish to real a lot of books, update and build up my general awareness and general knowledge along with the current developments in all major aspects of human life. This of course, has to be in addition to my studies for my dual degrees, and my job. I know its going to be pressurising, but I guess God this time wants me to do it, or he wouldn't have helped me developed the wonderful reading speed I have and the understanding that I gain in a subject (comparative of course). Though I'm not a perfect individual, I know I'm a good learner, and I wish to be a perfect one!

Lord,

Grant me ability to put in effort.

So that,

I may learn what is intended for me.

So that, I may fulfill my destiny on this earth,

and be a well-guided instrument at Your hands.

May I never lose my humility Lord!

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Happy B'day !!

Happy B'day to me!
Happy B'day to me!

Happy B'day, Happy B'day,

Happy B'day to me!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Ramblings irrelevant

Tomorrow is my b'day! I've been musing about this since days now. People are probably going to celebrate it today, since I am not going to work for the next two days. In fact, I am not going anywhere. I have decided to stay home and finish off some pending reads now. Both fiction and non-fiction.

However, its my b'day wish that I could earn more, so that I could buy more books and read more. Reading, of late has become almost an obsession. I know now what do the terms bibliophile and bibliomaniac mean :D

I have also been thinking about the EQ that I have. One thing that I have immensely gained from these workshops that I have recently conducted is that I love teaching. And another is more about my emotional quotient. It is about the way I think, feel and react towards things and incidents and people.

I was working on this post in the morning, when my internet connection got poofed off. I have been thinking what makes an individual the way he/she is? What makes some people different from most others drastically? To what extent is the human mind trainable?


©anu (Exploring Myself)

The Prayer of a student:

O Lord!

grant me the wisdom,

to travel the roads,

of learning, knowledge and wisdom,

under guidance and mentorship,

with complete humility.

Grant me not.....

that I may be over confident of my knowledge,

but that I may be confident of,

my submissive desire to learn....

From those,

who've already travelled the roads,

from those who haven't.

From those at the destination already,

and from those who haven't yet.

Lord,

grant me the desire,

the will,

and the ability to learn.

From,

everyone,

who crosses my way,

and from everything,

with each passing day.

This I ask thee Lord!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am Enjoying myself !

Seriously!

I am busy with teaching again, and this time something and to students of a level that I always wanted to. I just love this!

I'm busy posting on forums, and helping people with their personality types. Also getting registered in an executive program for MBA. Simultaneously in MA too. I like this hectic and busy schedule most of the times, except when the depression tends to surface up again. I went to meet Swamiji too. I conveyed my thanks to all people who had supported in my exams, now that the results have come. Those to whom, I'm talking and in touch and to those whom I'm no more in touch too.

I'm finally on my way!

Lord,

I thank You for all that You bless me with!
For what I realize is a boon,

and also for which I do not feel the same way.

Grant me more patience,

more thankfulness and

more love,

both,

to feel,

and,

to spread!

Grant me love!,

Pure love,

Your eternal Love!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A teacher’s Prayer

Lord,

Help me travel the travelled roads again,

With these people,

Who look up to me,

As they travel the roads,

That You’ve already made me travel.

Help me show them,

That all paths lead to the same goal,

And teachers are just co-travelers.

Make me open to travelling new paths,

As I travel with them on the older ones.

For it is in sharing that I will learn,

In Blank spaces, that I will fill the spaces,

In being a teacher, will I be a true disciple…

And…

Only as a disciple can I be a True Teacher!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

GyanYog: The Path of Knowledge

I am summarising my discussion about knowledge with a fellow student/trainee of mine and of course this is with his consent: Him: its all bout knowledge knowledge is the supreme power for evrything Me: Not all about it mostly about it ok lets say you've got all knowledge now what? what will you do with it? Him: share it with that lot which is unaware of what knowledge is it gives immense pleasure Me what gives the pleasure, the knowledge, the sharing, or the awe that you get from people? forgive me if any of my words might hurt you unintentionally But, do you now think that we are actually satisfying the desire to recognition when we talk about sharing what we know? Him its just the satisfaction Me when you discuss things in class, or learn about new things, isn't somewhere at the back of the mind there, a desire to be appreciated, and loved for the knowledge? Him no awe have you noted something like this?? Me No, I haven't not in your attitude but what made you ask if I've noted this? Him well its just to check dat hw u test ppl Me and lets say yes I have Him :) Me how would that matter, if that's not your tendency? Tell me something....... when S asked me not to lend you the book the other day, what got yuo irritated? was it the fact that she interfered in your business? Him no well.... Me see, am not interested in your personal issues, its just that you mentioned it, and am taking it as an example Him nothin prsnl Me and its gonna disappear from my thought once the discussion is over so what was the reason of iritation? Him its just dat wen m into sumthin i m just doin dat thing i made my minfd to read dat book Me and anyone who stops you from it, you get irritated right? Him and dan i was deprived of the wealth in dat book Me kool now, here's what I think about this You wanted some knowledge someone interfered you didn't get it now ........ you didn't like it right? Him its just the thought dat i won't b able to read dat buk dat irritated me Me but does this thought give you the wealth hidden in it? and the irritation? Him i dont think so :( Me and for those few moments when this irritating thought occupied you..... do you call them knowledgeable and knowledgeful moments? Him S has made dis happen to many others Me so, when this thought was on mind, neither did you get what you wanted, nor did you get something else, all you got was a negativity. and why should it matter to you? remember, Knowledge is bliss, when it teaches you to be blissful everytime The knowledge or the lack of the knowledge which causes any sort of irritation ......... is it bliss really? Him dis is wat d dilemma is all about Me I know there was a time, when I read anything and everything from religion, spirituality, science, to even erotica why? because I loved what I learnt But then....... I realised....... somewhere deep down I was losing my humility losing touch with reality in the sense that I was forgetting that other people were better than me at different tings as well things* and then...... I understood with experience that.......... Knowledge is not only what you learn It is just the first step More of it is about practice, and most of it is about sharing However........ The essence is....... to gain, practice, share and yet not be attatched to it because unless you're detatched from the learnings, you'll not unlearn and make space for new learnings to come so bliss is only in things that are permanent, and if not permanent, then ever increasing why is knowledge blissful? because it is a way to know beyond what we know Him nw its getting clear Me beyond the material I know, beyond the concepts, and gradually.. beyond this world that I see and to see beyond this world is the aim of the knowledge..... This is Gyanyoga Him this is what even i thought about Me and it is not for everyone So, if you choose THIS as your path BE CAREFUL It will raise the ego It will make yuo arrogant and that will bring the weakness of mind, the diversion of energies and result........ fall down from the gyanyoga Him how would the mind beocme weak?? Me define weakness? weakness is of two types 1. lack of strength and 2. wastage of strength just like there're two kinds of deserts/ the hot and the cold in the cold desert..there is water but frozen Him yup Him ok Me similarly........ the brain is sharp but..... polluted unclear the understanding becomes foggy because it becomes conditional the moment you see people less intellectual......... you start thinking on their level while you should be thinking on yours conveing on theirs and then conveying on yours gradually whenever you see S........ or anyone else forthat matter....... you start thinking about things that ideally shouldn't get any attention and a part of your mind is diverted Him ya dats true Me you're hearing, but not fully listening you're seeing, but not visualising you're present there, but you aren't living the moment and that;s when you get only limited knowledge, not full On this note........... anything you want me to think about? Him nothing to think its all to observe Me what do you want me to observe? Him its for me to observe now u r already on a level where i cant reach in a long tym Me No dude, am no where practically no where compare it with the universe :) Him but i m sure 2 reach dere sumday Me You'll reach higher just keep two things in mind 1. keep learning Him and Me do not resist or control thoughts, feelings emotions, but just introspect basically.........aptitude and attitude and you'll reach much higher Him i'll abide by dis Me again don't bind yourself to anything anyone any at all Him binding in the sense?? Me keep that for the next session ©anu (Exploring Myself)

Trust and Faith

Over the years, I have realised that we tend to trust people, and we tend to distrust the same people as well. In short, we tend to both trust and distrust the same people for different things at different times in our lives.

This subject makes me ponder a few basic questions:
1. what is trust?
2. Why do we trust?

3. Should we trust?
4. Whom is at all, should we trust?

Here's what I feel about the same:
Trust is....... a feeling of security. A sense of comfort and safety which comes around some people from within. This is one of those 6th senses that we at times talk about. Trust is something, all of us (and yes! I mean all!) have experienced but none can put into words. Fundamentally, I like being with people, because........that makes me happy.... why does it make me happy? because psychologically, am a social animal, physically, I need people for the division of labor, socially I need protection against harms, which a group can provide me better

and....spiritually........ The soul recognizes that the other souls are a part of the same Eternal being that I belong to. so, though I don't understand this, my soul recognizes its kin.

Now, to establish this lost kinship, and due to the establishment of this lost kinship, we tend to trust people.

As to should we, and whom if at all should we trust? I feel, That's a risk, but definitely worth playing. And should we? It comes automatically on people whom it has to. There's not even any sort of active thinking involved.

On this note... I can't think anymore right now. will add later if something's there.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Reflections - Spiritual Guidance

hmm... this post is being written.......because.... I wanted to write it :) Lol, every post is written for the same reason, because I want to do it, because I feel like doing it, and because its an irresistible urge deep within.

Well......... today, its going to be about a lot of things.Its going to be something about myself, then about some other people, and then a prayer....may be about some ideas as well. Am not sure....here, this goes.............

1. Spiritual Guidance:

This is something I find very ironic. As I was reading J. Krishnamoorthy yesterday, I realized that He said exactly what I've been feeling over the ages. I do not accept any authority on myself in any aspect of my life generally speaking. Neither in the way I eat, dress, sleep, think, read or choose my profession, nor in the way I behave, the choices I make and the kind of life I want to live.

Then, why should I be accepting the authority of someone in my spiritual life?

Just because they say they've experienced, God, The eternal Truth and the ultimate reality?

Is it necessary that I will be having the same experiences if I follow the rituals they prescribe? and if yes, will it be mine? would it not be second hand? He very bluntly says....."We are second hand people"

I have decided, that I will continue to explore the spiritual path in the same manner as I've been......like a free spirit, a wanderer who would rather not stick to anyone, anywhere or anything.

The 'yayavar' in a true sense......the sense of spirit!

Lord,

help me realise the fact that

You love me as an individual,

and that I must find you individually.

Help me understand the difference between,

receiving help and being led,

and ,if You think I am to be led,

lead me Yourself Lord,

for Thine,

am I.

and Thee are mine.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Result Part 2

I got the entrance test result for teachers' training today. Have secured 60 % marks, and a good rank, I know I'll be able to get a proper kind of a seat even in my town. But, I'm not really happy about it. Why I am not sure. Anyhow, I am thankful for the result to everyone who supported me with preparation and exams. Very specially to the almighty :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Result

I know am posting after 5 days, but I've been busy and peaceful and calm mentally, so didn't feel the need to. Got the result for third year and B.A. out and scored damn well. I scored exceptionally well in Philosophy, well in English Literature and average in Pol. Science. I've been happy, busy with students and lectures, tired and calm. I am trying to work out an agreement with management for the full time position.

I hope things go well.

Lord,

You know what I desire,

what I deserve and what I need.

Grant me what I need and deserve,

and help me desire what's right and justified.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The Ever - Changing me.....

I have changed... over the years, over last few months, few weeks, and even in the last few days. I have changed every minute of my life. And when I look back, I realize that some phases in my life have been more formulating than the rest of them.

I have been thinking since last night how every little thing influences an individual, changing them every passing moment in their lives. The friends that were valuable once, do not have any existence in life. Those who were very respected, are now hardly remembered. Those that were deeply loved, are now almost non-existent. This includes even the nearest family.

I am surprised how drastically has my understanding of good, bad, right and wrong has changed. How easy have I become to accepting things about which I wasn't flexible earlier. I notice my parents molding similarly too, my brothers, other elders, almost everyone. And which is why, when I train those youngsters, I keep reminding them.....'This will pass too!'.....

However, there's something that's remained constant......which is my faith in GOD!

It hasn't changed over the years, rather He has helped me enhance that. God has always been around like a helping hand, a savior and a guide, mentor, friend and parent. He has brought me out from the abysses of animal consciousness, and again and again too.

He has protected me from things I feared while also teaching me how to fight them. He has taught me how to survive something as good as death. He has held me when I couldn't walk, and supported me when I limped. He carried me when I was unconscious, and I know He'll do so.....as long as....I trust Him!

I know part of it sounds like a brainwash, but I guess I have my facts straight. Time and again I've indulged myself in emotional attachments, activities which were not suitable to my basic nature, and were of almost like an animal consciousness. I still do so. And, GOD DIDN'T STOP ME!

BUT, He protected me! He saved me when I wanted Him to. He brought me out of it to a consciousness higher when I prayed Him to. And prayer wasn't begging. Prayer was a straight acknowledgment of the fact that I've been doing things I shouldn't and a pledge that I shouldn't do them again. And. that was enough to evoke His love on me.

I wonder how my language has changed. There was a time when I said God's mercy. and today, its more of God's love for me, and less of His mercy. My relationship with Him has changed just like the hole lot of other things.

Lord,

Help me develop my relationship with You,

in the direction,

that would get me closer to You and Your heart(if that exists:) ).

Help me love You,

rather than fearing You.

Help me ask for Your love,

rather than asking for Your mercy.

Make me realize that YOU ALONE are worth desiring....

worth loving my Lord!

Make Yourself the Only Existent in my life...

in all forms,

in all individuals,

in all ideas,

in everything.

Make my motto .......

"GOD ALONE"

Amen.

I'm grateful to Those who've shown me the way to this Lovely Motto. specially Gyan Mata. Help me Mother :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

1000 Views Crossed!!!

I have crossed a mark of the viewership of 1000 and my profile shows the data as around 1000 views, which I guess increases after every 10/20. And I'm just writing this post to mark the day, and the time!!!

Thank You Eternal source of all Knowledge, Love and Success!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Purpose behind everything

I was going through the older blogger posts, and I read some of them today. I think I know that something has really struck me hard. Something that has left an impression very severely on my mind. And not just about the very good things and happenings of my life, but also the 'not so good' happenings of my life.

GOD HAS A PURPOSE BEHIND EVERYTHING!!

Yes, I know it sounds brain-washed, but its true. I look back at my life, and all through my life I see a strong conviction that my soul belongs to God, and those people who are in His loving service. Behind all my hobbies, all my desires, all my needs, want, ethics, value system and upbringing, the only purpose has been to make me someone absorptive to His eternal vibrations, and capable of serving Him better.

God made me a singer, since He wants me to sing His glories(they alone are what's worth singing). He made me an avid reader, so I could read scriptures, and know what He is, why He is and the rest of metaphysics, ethics, concepts and Vedanta (Which I hope to learn some day). He made me expressive, so that the day I preach or I write about His glories, I do it well.

All through me, He's been reflecting His glory, and I've been wasting His gifts in things not at all comparable to Him. I don't abhor myself or loathe things and activities, situations and people I've known, tried, experimented with.....I might have earlier, had I not realized the purpose behind. But the purpose was simple....To help me be convinced that in the end...all mundane things ARE temporary and useless.....

But the best part about God is that He never stops anyone from wanting or doing anything and pays them back in the same form. So, all those who wish to belong to Him EVEN ONCE, He takes them in His own shelter permanently, no matter how distracted they might get. And He loves us all!!!! He does!!!

So, here I am, thanking Him for all that He had planned, the way He constantly has protected me, and the love He has showed to me.

Lord,

Help me spread your love ,
to every soul who touches mine,
and may I still become an everlasting....
ever-flowing source of Your love,
as long as You want.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Irresistible Urge

Someone came home at around 10 : 45 and my mom woke me up to meet her up

and since then I've been awake, and now my mind is just restless. I had this strong urge to write, so I'm up again, blogging.

I have a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind. Right from my reflections from the classes I've been taking to the interactions and discussions with Swamiji.

Whilst I wish to write more about the classes, at the same time I also want to write more about the way the students reacted, and the way I responded to their queries....the kind of questions they asked....the ease with which they flew from my name to Ma'am...... I loved it when more than half said they wanted me to stretch the session longer, and even more when.... they said that they would like to discuss things with me personally.

I have decided that whilst I work on their personalities, their enhancements and their individual strengths and weaknesses, I'll work on mine too. Next full month is going to be dedicated to English and Communication and soft skills. I will try to imbibe in me the strengths and to remove from me the weaknesses or not so strong points that I have.

The only apprehension that I have is that I may find it very tedious, stressful and tiresome. I am already cranky by the end of the day now, and obviously the more the stress is, the worse my situation would be. The students are already expecting a lot from me, since they are looking forward to someone who can listen to them, while treating THEM as adults and mature individuals and with an attitude of a peer. They basically need an individual mentor with a blend of a senior adult and a friend, and I know how it feels. All, I can try doing is try and meditate and increase my meditating capacity so that I can help people better by becoming a better channel to the eternal and everlasting source of knowledge, love and compassion.

I had been thinking last few days, how my life is revolving around a certain place and a certain person in a very special manner. I have been visiting Swamiji for last few days, almost regularly and I love the sessions. I generally go there with questions in my mind, and I generally get my answers without even asking for them. He's just awesome in that sense.

He's been treating me differently on different days. The first day, he was polite, formal and yet showed a warmth. The second day when I want was a weekly off on the center, and yet he gave me time. The third meeting was the same evening, with Didi, where I knew he was talking to someone about something, but indirectly he was giving me answers. The immediate next day I went to him again in the evening, when he offered me a chair instead of a mat. This was almost an honor and an action odone on purpose, and he gave me a valid reason for it when I asked him about that.

The next two days were those days when I had constantly tried to go and visit him, and failed, and today again I went twice. Once in the morning, when there was the group talk, and I left from there, since he seemed to be busy in some administrative activities of the centre. Late, in the evening, I was unexpectedly late because of that unanticipated extra lecture by splitting the extra-large group of students who had wanted to attend sessions.

But, with his natural grace, ease and warmth he again gave me time, lesser today, just half an hour but he did, and when this time for the first time I asked him something serious, he answered in seeming riddles, which are crystal clear.

I know I'm going to visit him more often, trying to chant, meditate and do whatever I can. This time, I do want to speed up my spiritual journey and he says, one can choose the way one desires, loves and feels comfortable with. Nonetheless, he equally emphasises 'Samagna Saadhna'.

The only thing that I find worrying is my attatchment to certain things, people and situations which I know (for the better and logical reasons) are futile. However, I am not able to get rid of them, and today without asking how (though I wanted to)< he said himself that we aren't supposed to throw them away, just that we shouldn't indulge ourselves into them.


O Almighty Father,
I don't have words to offer in prayer today.
But, I have what you gave me,
I have that you made me.
I have what you want me to use,
and,
I offer to Thee,
Thy blessings and gifts,
as a token of submission to Your will and my destined path.

Give me strength O Lord,
so I may please You, as You desire, as You wish, and as best as You allow me to.

Amen!!!

p.s. It sounds something like..... (Kya mera hai jo aj tumhe de daalooon)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

22-23.06.09

went to Swamiji today twice, once in the group talk and once in the evening. Was late in the evening, so had gone to say sorry and not interact but he did give me his valuable time. He spoke to me for half an hour, and I asked him a question for the first time which he answered as I had very much expected.

I took two classes yesterday....1. regular and one workshop session with 22 students. Today I took 2 and half hours of class with different groups....One with 35 students and the other with 15. I was surprised to notice that my own batch mates were calling me Ma'am and it was seriously impressive. Also, something that made me happy that they were accepting me in the new role.

I am happy mostly, except that am very tired these days generally. Physically, mentally as well as emotionally. My struggle is getting tougher. I want to write more but am half unconscious already.

Lord,

give me strength,
help me sustain.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

21.06.09

was supposed to go and visit Swamiji in the group talk today, but didn't. Rather couldn't. I had felt it last evening that since I'm saying I'll come tomorrow I won't be able to. Yesterday's session had been very good, and He had given me a place equal to him, and when I asked him why did he do so, he smiled and gave me a reason too. He as usual answered unasked questions.

I gave a lecture to the third batch today, and spoke to my boss too. He said I'll need to get into some business deals of the institute too, since he thinks I'm the best person suited for the task.I know that though its an exploitation in the sense its not paid task, but I love being busy, and that's fine with me.

I've drafted a schedule today, a chart in print to help me keep track of my activities, and classes, and payments and expenses as well.

Lord,

I know that I need a Master to discipline,
But, help me to realize self-discipline,
so that,
the disciple is ready,
when the Master appears...
to make her an instrument to Your ever-loving will.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)