My Name is Khan !!!

I started this post on 24th of April and left it as such. Saw the movie again and restarted this. Hope I am able to post it today :)The text in ** is what I wrote the other day and the rest is what I am writing now.



**There are a lot of things going on in my mind, including two things primarily :)

1. The Movie - My name is Khan
2. My personal decisions that have grown.

So, may this post be on "My Name is Khan"

I was watching this movie last night, and was amazingly touched. The struggle of a man, with Asperger's Syndrome, Rizwan Khan who's is in America. A man who loses the love of his life, his son from that wife,.....**


So, my name is not Khan and no, I'm not a terrorist. My name is my name and I am a lot of things, but none worth being judged about unless I harm someone. I am someone not successful, partly orthodox and not someone who's very well to do. But I'm so blessed.

It was after I saw this movie that I in actual sense realized that it's the inclination, the thought process and the desire that differentiates one from the rest of the people. It's not money, nor fame, nor strength and nothing else that matters when You want to do something, whether for yourself or for others.

I remembered 'Thakur' 'super 30' and loads of other people. I remembered an article from the Hindu that said that the American has a tendency to give back to it's country. I remembered today's newspaper....Britain thinks of cutting down the help aid to India.

And I don't know what bothers me more? My not being good enough for an IIM or my country not being good enough to be self sufficient. This is not the first time I've thought about being self-sufficient and later doing something for the society. But, I always stopped back thinking I am helpless unless settled myself. I have often thought about not helping people unless they really deserved.

And now what has this to do with Khan?

This has got to do this :

Khan helped people of Wilhelmina, without doing anything other than simply pursuing what he wanted. And people followed. And yes I can change things too :)

And that's it :)

Lord,
Help me discover the unique strength I have.
Help me perform the task You created me for.
Help me prove You exist,
And,
Help me to prove that You alone are Love :)

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Really?

Is it true that You were once alone?

Is it true that once You were lost in Your painful groan?

I wonder...

I always thought it was only me,

Who was lonely and alone.

I had always wished,

I'd have a companion,

And, I later realized,

I couldn't have.... even the least minion.

I don't know what I'm actually speaking,

For though it sounds like my mind,

It's more of my own musings to myself.

And this isn't a sane state.

I wish I was wither fully sane,

Or else...

Completely insane.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Slow Poisoning

I am poisoning myself slowly. Now, you don't have to be surprised or shocked at it:) We all do it all the time. And no! I'm not talking about poisoning by medicines, or by pollution, am talking of slow poisoning by negativity and unhappiness.

I will not crib about what I want and what I don't have. But I cannot right now even feel great about doing nothing and being unable to change circumstances. I do not know how to handle my cravings and I do not trust anyone around me.

I'm letting myself get numb and am sitting at home, not wanting to do anything. Perhaps, I could keep sleeping all day long, if over sleeping wouldn't cause a headache. I could keep singing all the day and forget about the damn world, if it were possible. But it JUST doesn't work.

What rather works is NOTHING. And I don't know how to get it. I can't satisfy make anyone happy, including myself. I am not happy with the choices I have to make, and those that I am presented with, because there are people whom I value and I feel suffocated. This includes not only family, but also some very very close friends. Some people whom I would perhaps do anything for. They do not understand that I need a break from studies. I wish to quit studying.

But, right now..... I'm numb. I do nothing but waste days, one after the other and another. I am exasperated with myself. May be I need to ease up a bit on myself, may be I need to befriend myself a little, but I just can't. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN DAMN IT !

But may be, this is what destiny's all about.

I wish I could push away MA/MBA/Any sort of study away from me, and just earn and be happy. Earn a few thousand bucks, let myself enjoy small pleasures and luxuries of life, and then after a year or two perhaps, when I feel suffocated with that again, return back to studies. People will never understand.

They simply can't :) No matter, how much good they wish me, no matter how much close they are to me. This is one dark secret, that they won't understand even after knowing it :)

But I know Lord,

If no one does,

and when no one does.

You will.

Help me sustain Lord!

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Collaborating Poems

I used to write at different places. And the result? My efforts would be diversified, energy spread all around than being properly channelized. So, I'm trying to collect out as many compositions as I can at one place.

Here are three of them:

Masks

First M. Get lost.

Second M. Please get lost.

Third M. I told You I'm not interested.

Fourth M. Please leave me alone, and do not come back.

Fifth M. I request You sincerely, to please leave me alone.

Sixth M..... turns away and leaves, without uttering a word

Masks dropped... I wish He/she could understand and this could be ended gracefully. I hope He recovers, for I know it had to hurt, and that is what I wanted to avoid.

Scars

I had a dream

I heard a scream

Awake at 3, much before the dawn...

I was afraid, shrieks in my head, I didn't dare yawn.

Looking up into the mirror,

I shivered with fear.

My searing scars caused

to trickle down a tear.

Dropping down on the bed again,

I didn't sleep any more.

Thinking of the hurt, the pain,

I felt worthless as a used whore.

The pain of love,

The hurt of being left alone and used.

My heart wept and grieved,

My mind muzzled and confused.

I could hear in my head,

"Time, heals all scars...."

'Shut Up!!!" silently I screamed,

I felt like the moon, alone amidst the stars.

And then to me,I felt,

a truth reveal.

Some scars are meant to teach,

and hence not all scars heal.

Bliss

Seeking...

constant, unending.

Thirst...Unquenched,

Hunger... Satiated not.

Hunger of the soul it was.

Hunger for my whole it was.

Fragmented, I wandered alone.

Paths of religion, lifestyle, vanilla, altruism...

For me worked absolutely None :(

The blend of love, lust and control.

The love that would join the shards of my broken self,

and.... make me whole.

It was then I realized....

What you had given to me...

Love - Unsaid, Untold.

Pain - more than I could hold.

Pleasure - Thousandfold

But calm?

Can it be ever told?

The calm of my spirit and yours unified.

The calm of my hunger satisfied.....

And yours too..

By feeding on those parts of our souls we shared.

Bringing us....

Silent Bliss.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Abrupt Choices and Random Thoughts

I made two abrupt choices today. To finish off Shantaram and to join a Mehandi course. I loved drawing the shapes that have long lured, attracted and enchanted me:) For quite some time now, I have applied henna on palms. But now I'll learn more, better and harder. Those patterns help me fill my gaps, silences. I understand today in reality what did I find intriguing in Athena's wanting to fill the gaps (during her calligraphy classes) when I read 'The witch of Portobello'. I today had a similar urge. I wanted every inch of the paper to be full of those patterns, and not just those columns or organised patterns. I wanted, yearned for it suddenly to completely erratic. And I wished I could be as erratic too.

I suddenly had the need to restart reading Shantaram, I do not know why. I haven't slept for last 38 hours now, and am still not sleepy, and am just fine and OK. I have some 100 pages more to go with Shantaram and then I'll be free to re-read those parts that I want to think over and ponder over. There are quotes I wish to mull over.

I also have to do a lot of vocab from that book, it's good :D The figures he mentions about crime, the facts about the organised crime as in the end of twentieth century, the facts about a man used, manipulated, misguided, cheated and resilient enough to be resurrected, this book has somehow kept me entwined in its intricacies of human life/thought/nature.

I also wish I could write something, something that wouldn't make much sense and yet would be sensible enough. I wish I could do that. Something more than this blog. I miss my singing classes too. I wonder if I'll ever have enough money to be able to pursue reading, writing, singing without working like a yoked ox, or without worrying for basic amnesties. Sometimes I do wish I was Lin minus his criminal instincts. Or may be I'm already that.

But, enough musing for now :)

Training : What to Read

In the last post, a long while ago I had written something about what should one read.... and I had said what one can, wants, and should. What I had exactyly meant to say was that I believe we should superficially glance at whatever material for treading is available.

However, this material may not be always something worth reading and memorizing. Some, of it might just be useless. As they commonly say.... books are like food.... some junk, some delicious and some nutritous, and we need to be careful about what we eat. Similarly, you can throw a perfunctory glance at any reading material that's available, but spend time on those that have some good content. Good content would mean something that either provides you with some factual knowledge or else, something that helps you shape yuor thoughts.

Next comes..... what You want....... This is the delicious kind of food as an analogy. This is what You like reading, or if You're working, whatever your work makes you read. For an example my work forces me to read language, my studies make me read about management and my personal chopice is philosophy and fiction. Similarly, there could be various situations like an engg would probably prefer reading about technology and a doctor about medicine, while a science student might want to read more about science. This however, may not always be true.

However, such a condition occurs basically because we tend to enjoy things we can understand which generally is one of our optionals or work related reading. However, the parallel aspect is that we understand those things better which we enjoy more. So, this becomes a kind of vicious circle, and we need to break the circle somewhere by our own desire.

Which is why I said perfuinctory glance at everything, and that will gradually help you extend your understanding to different areas of whats being written and read.

As far as the 'SHOULD ' aspect fo reading is concerned....... honestly..This is the time recommended list and the passage booklets we get. They are seriously a good excposure to variety.

Love,
Anu©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : Structured Personality Enhancement Program

n my opinion, personality includes a few aspects like:
1. Physical Appearance.
2. Body Language.
3. Communication Skills and,
4. The Intellectual or psychological personality (along with the thought process).

Today lets talk a little about it and I shall try to contribute more thoughts regularly.

When we talk about the physical impression, please remember that though the first impression might not be the last one, it still is an important impression. So, look professional, hygienic, with ironed formals and a proper dress code. The hair style should be neat, combed properly.No one likes it when they can't make a proper eye contact, just because your hair are falling repeatedly over the eyes. The shoes should be polished, socks non- stinking. Girls and women should avoid heavy jewelery. Please carry your documents arranged systematically in a file folder.

I have often observed that a major problem many people feel is that they don't know what to do with their weaknesses. Here's something that I've found useful as a technique.

It is one of my posts in Personal Introduction threads also, and am posting here only for the sake of convenience.


As far as the negative (rather, not so positive ) is concerned, first of all you need to face this. Most of the times what we are doing is avoiding the negatives, and hence, we hardly understand whay and how they exist and function.

1. Understand why did your negative point come into existence,
2. Know how it functions or acts on your mind,
3. Realize how it affects you personally and professionally,
4. Determine the possible remedies and solutions.

In an interview, you can just make the last two points brief and present them to the interviewer.

For eg. Let's say someone's weakness is ego. Let's perform the four steps:

People are egoistic because:
either they are exceptionally good at one or more things,
or its a disguise to their inferiority complex.

Ego plays with one's mind, when one is in a situation where one has to either face people who are more intelligent or better at the relevant fields. At such times, ego brings one in defensive mode and prevents one from being rationally open and accepting to the other person.

Disadvantages:
Ego hampers one's listening skills to the other person.
It doesn't let one think rationally, specially when one's opinion differs from that of the other individual.
Hence, it could affect the decisions of a manager.....

Remedies:
Understand the cause of your problem and accept it. Remember, Acceptance is the first step to a solution. Time and again I've told my students and trainees that unless you accept there's a problem, you wouldn't be working to its correction.
Also, self-control is a positive trait that could help you to be in control of your feelings. Now here the interviewer can play a trick. He can say that self control would mean you're suppressing your natural tendencies. You need to explain to him/her that self- control and suppression are different and how they are different.

An answer to an interviewer about a weakness like ego could be something like:

"My weakness is that I am slightly egoistic. This happens to me at times when I overestimate myself, or when I hold an excessively high opinion of myself. However, I try to keep this tendency in check because I know that it could make my thought procedure biased. I keep this in control by being keenly observant of myself and remembering that though I am good enough or even very good at certain things, there are many more people who might be better than me, and that I can learn from others only when I'm humble."

This was what I had given to an interviewer in an interview. There could be many other answers. To each weakness, the answer would differ, and it depends on the way you analyse yourself.

The key point is to think both with sensitivity and sensibility. You don't have to be an idealist, nor can you afford to be casual and laid back about things.

Regards,

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : Communication Basics

By definition, communication is a process of conveying your thoughts (message) to the audience(reciever). Now what needs to be remembered here is that communication is not only about conveying, but its also about making the other person understand your point. However, please remember, that it does not essentially mean that the audience would AGREE to the point being communicated to them.

So, the first thing that we need to remember in communication is about being audience friendly. In the language that we use, the words used should be elegant as well as understandable. And most importantly, they need to be used in correct form.

Whilst vocab is important in the sense that it helps you find words to express your ideas better, grammar is equally important because grammar helps you to use the words in the correct form. Grammar wouldhere, make you sure of your usage and the right meaning in the right manner would be sent across.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : GD's Why How and Practice

I have time and again observed in sessions that people are ok with discussing concrete subjects and not so comfy with the abstract topics. This is perhaps because of the fact that whilst we read newspaper and GK related info for other purposes, we have the advantage of the knowledge, we aren't well acquainted with the abstract subjects.

Also, it is at times tough to draw out any sort of definite conclusion when it comes to abstract subjects since it is always subject to dialectic discussions. There is a counter opinion to almost every statement, and there seems to be no solution to any of these.

Here's a strategy that I find helpful for the same:

1. Try to get acquainted with as many abstract nouns as possible. This helps in identifying the fundamental meaning of the keyword in the topic.

2. Think around the lines of the keyword. What is it? Who practices it? Benefits, Disadvantages, Public Opinion, and then your personal opinion.

3. Link the above two areas to the remaining topic.

There is no denying the fact that one has to be a speedy thinker in order to process all this. But then, we need it anyhow in case of GD/PI.

I strongly believe that Non-Fiction gives you the concept or Idea, while Fiction gives it an expression......so as usual...Happy Reading!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training Material : Introduction

I have finally decided that I will now collate and organise all the material that I've posted on various sites and my Orkut community here, so that it stays organised. Also, so that I do not lose on all that I've written.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Last Week :P

Ok so here's the update for the last week, as far as I remember it:

Classes - around 7
Training Modules designed two
Extra Books read - 5
Numbers played with (some data and some new and interesting concepts - NOT CAT!!!)- loads
Movies watched (Hey that's true!!!) :P - 2
Been a Prize idiot - Once
Been Unstable - once
Got reprimanded - Twice :((gives those poor puppy looks)
But most of all,

Studied - quite a bit and
Had fun? Immense!!! (imagine me having fun with friends lol)

So, life all in all rocks.

The summaries of the books I read, the summary of the study I did and the thoughts about the movies I watched, is coming soon.

To end, a small note on my small idiocy and instability reads thus:

I accessed a website, and the public information section of some website, and panicked out thinking it was a restricted area section I'd reached. And.......I made the weekend evenings miserable for two of good friends :P So, I was called a prize Idiot (An idiot whose still the prize is the real definition, not what the caller gave me:) So, do not let anyone fool you by saying a prize idiot is the winner of the noble prize in idiocy. For then it would be an IGNOBLE WINNER!!!

I'm sure people are gnashing their teeth and I so Damn LOVE it :P

And about my instability:
I am quitting a psychological addiction (yes I am not all so pure guys :P ) And, it's giving me a tough time with my withdrawal symptoms and all. But.But, Butt..... I have a butt and I'll place it firm in the chair of my determination:) So, with friends at aid, and will at work. I'm learning to be the white sheep again (OK, a lioness in sheep's hide :P ) Happy now?

Oh and by the way - I've decided to learn and forgive.I'm also trying to love more:) Not just others, but also myself :)As a healing practice, and I know it will show great results - VERY SOON !!!

Stay tuned!!!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Tentative Schedule today

It's 12 and I'm done with waking up, writing mails, brushing teeth, showering, eating heavy brunch etc. An unexpected, unanticipated class has turned up for today at 6p. So, here's the plan for now :

12.15 - 4.15 Vocab and Grammar

4.15 - 5.45 Music class

5.45 - 6.00 Travel time

6.00 - 8.00 Teach Class

8.00 - 10.00 Solve VA questions

Update

So, here's what I finally did today:

Went for a class, followed by the bank, then home, and ate something and started reading King Lear's critical analysis (lovely play, useless analysis!!!)

Went for the music class at 5, and the 2nd lecture(last moment notice) at 6. Class cancelled, so came back to music academy.

Went wit bro and mom for his tuition(idiots can't do without it, but they _do_ deserve their chance and I love my baby bro :) )

Came back Home, finally found some good reference material for GK/GD/PI/GS reference. Then idled for some time around and now heading back to my study table. Have to work upon a bit of vocab.

No class tomorrow, but day after, I have one, late in night :)

I love teaching, but I love other things as well. will also try to study Quant and DI/LR/GK etc a bit too :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Today's tentative plan:

It's 8.30 right now:

1. So, move to work, be free by 12
2. Go to bank to sort out yesterday's withdrawal goof up and deposit balance to go back to the above penalty limit (who asked me to withdraw an extra zero dammit)
3. Be back by 1p.
4. Sit down to study Wordsworth
5. Study till 6
6. At 6 if pc free, post the summary of the two new books read in the reading journal. Otherwise, do some teaching/training module formation.
7. Work till when the pc is free. If it takes longer than 8, then get back to doing some vocabulary/Reading Comprehension.
8. Sleep last by 11 as against yesterday of 2a.

And now.... get going!!!

Some thoughts

I have been thinking about the following possibilities:

1. Going all solitary (recluse and renunciate)

2. Quitting all jobs and going to the typical study mode

3. Getting married and quitting all other crap.

4. Doing a job, with an OK-ish MA

5. To prepare for and write CAT again and write MA simultaneously.

Not planning for MA/CAT/Job/part-time MBA(again) etc together. I know I fucked up last year. Don't wanna fuck up that bad again :)

Surprised? Me using F*** words?

Oh sometimes a Lady must let her hair down :)

Ye Daulat Shohrat Kya karni.....

What will I do with this material wealth, your love is enough. I do not need these palatial houses, am happy with the small place I have in your heart.

I swear in your name my beloved, you're my honour and life. I survive because of you, You're my jaan (knowledge and life) as well as my ignorance. I do not know these bills, notes, coins, money, I am happy with your sight, my greatest wealth.

Love, is the highest virtue in this world, and nothing exceeds it. The money also makes someone cry when he loves it, or else no one would weep at losses. I do not need these luxuries, these fine pleasures of life, I'm content with the support that your love provides.

I've been thinking about this restlessly. I know, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Why? I know that too, but will I be able to accept those reasons. Will I be able to accept the fact that I cannot go for the spiritual retreat. Will I be able to accept that what I need, want, desire, get are all different and the differences are vast? I doubt.

I was actually cribby and weepy when I started hearing this song. And, I ended up listening to Kailas Kher, and then realising that it's love, that's the primal need of a human being. It's love that is the cause of all bliss as well as misery.

Sometimes, it's lust that apparently portrays itself as love. Sometimes, it's just plain desire and nothing else.

I am not sure of what I'm actually writing. But the fact that I'mm trying to quit my addiction of some things (some places, some friends, some people et al), makes things tough for me.

I had called some people friends, and was ditched, and tossed away, to realize that I had always been correct in the past. There are NO friends. Yes, I do have EXCEPTIONS in my life :) Thankfully, there are people who're exceptions to the lot. But, may be this is too soon to say this :(

Right now, the only concern is that I cannot sleep :(

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

King Tut's beard

Ok people,

I'm always blamed to be one who has zero sense of humour. So, to make me humorous, a friend of mine, gave me a nonsense topic to write some 15 lines about it, a nonsense verse, without using words starting with letters M, T, R. But like You know....I take nonsense seriously too :P

So, here it is Ladies and Gentlemen: Trum pa Pum pa Trum pa pum pa trum pa pum pa pum!!!

King Tut's Beard!!!!!

King Tut's beard was infested with lice.

But, he wouldn't hear anyone's advice.

He found it fashionable,

and had heard in a fable,

he who wears lice, never ever dies.

His queen, born of a French and a Swiss.

Ended up aghast after every kiss.

His kids kept away,

His courtiers wouldn't stay,

But he never perceived anything was amiss.

At ceremonies kingly, His beard He scratched.

His neighbouring kings always found him wretched.

Lice infesting further his hair,

dropping from his beard everywhere,

and in all hatcheries, only lice eggs hatched.

A powerful king *Strut* visited his state.

Disappointed when he anticipated the state's fate.

He swore an oath,

ensuring people's growth.

And waged a war against Tut's state.

Tut and Strut stood face to face,

Strut with a sword, unsheathing it with grace.

Tut didn't bother,

Not once did he smother.

Calm and cool, He just scratched His face.

Swarms and swarms of His beard's lice.

Held Strut's army like iron in the vice.

With faces whitened,

the enemy was frightened

never had they seen such a strategic device.

Hen in an iron grip by Tut's beard's lice.

With his life, Strut had to pay the price.

Nobody could ever defeat Tut,

None could once unseat Tut,

All because King tut's bear was infested with lice.

Trum pa Pum pa Trum pa pum pa trum pa pum pa pum!!!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Accepted

Today, I watched a movie Accepted.... A wonderful movie, talking about the rejection of kids from the colleges they apply, their desperation, their parents playing safe and ruling over. A student who's flustered and gets frustrated by the pressure and the disappointment of His parents, goes ahead, makes a fake website and gets a print for His admission to a fake college. Given the check towards the fee, He gets a building on lease, renovates it with His friends, and even goes ahead to find a fake dean for the college, who pretends to be a Dean when the kid's parents want to meet him.

The Hampton college administration gets against them for the heck of land and for the very reason they're proud of their ancestry...REJECTION.

And in the midst of all this, a kid who'd been admitted to the Hampton college is and is abused, mocked, humiliated, ragged and beaten as a newbie, applied for the accreditation of this fake institute to be a real one.

Through a series of dramatic speech following the rejecting looks on the education ministers' faces etc. The college gets an accreditation for a probationary period of a year.

Why am I rambling?

Because I felt myself alive again. I am alive. I realize why did I choose to drop, why did I waste 4 so called prestigious years, why did I choose arts? why did I write CAT when I didn't want to do MBA? Why didn't I take admission into MBA after securing 94.62%?Why did I drop another year?

I Damn realized all that!!! Because I don't care whether I get ACCEPTED or not!!!

I do not give a damn about whether the so called social norms find me capable enough of being successful, for I am and I exist, exactly as I am. The four years I dropped, I learnt. Every passing day taught me, what endless number of my peers do not know even today at 26. It taught me who and why and what humans are. It taught me to accept failure. And not as a failure, but as pride.

It taught me knowledge for the sake of knowledge. It taught me, learning was a NEVER ENDING process. It taught me that people who simply conform to rules, generally do nothing else. Just that. Confirm to rules.Period.

Today for the first time, I realized I accept myself as who I am. A person with my creativity, with my passion, with my love to be and embrace who I am, a writer at heart, a teacher by choice, not by force.I today realize that the day I start teaching full time,I'd be doing it because I love it, not because it fetches me bread and butter. I realized, I'd be one of those few people who love their jobs:)

I realised, that I write not because my parents, teachers or my bread and butter ask me to, but because I love doing it.

I realised to be successful I need not an assortment of high degrees, but my self, my true self and my true commitment. And to be that, to have that, to relive it every moment of my life. I accept who I am.

Not exceptional, may be. Not average either may be. Disoriented may be. But I'm sure I'm not brainwashed. I'm sure I'm, not just another track follower. If I disappear and get lost, I'd be remembered as a lost cause. If I succeed, I'd be remembered as an ivory tower may be. But definitely I'll not be just one of those 100000s who get up, go to work, come back, eat and sleep and then follow the same schedule the other day :)

Today, I'm really proud of being who I am. Today I really feel accepted, truly accepted by me:)

QS, Friend, Your food for thought, followed by the movie has brought a change I had never expected and wouldn't have ever expected. Thanks.

Love and regards,

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Sleepless

Am sleepless today.... very sleepless. Why? I'm trying to relive every moment of my past, in this limited time that I have. I am trying to travel the speed of thought, even faster than that of light.

I am sleepless for I think,

I am sleepless for I feel,

I'm sleepless because when trouble comes,

I don't take off to my heels.

I try to love,

I try to feel.

I end up hurting,

though I try to heal.

Lord, make me travel the paths of love,

Lord make me travel the paths of peace.

Lord, take me in Your shelter,

whole, or else, piece by piece.

I am who I am,

let me accept that O Lord!
Without a guilt, remorse or weakness,

give me the courage to accept.

To not make it a shield,

against my shortcomings,

and to not boast of,

The success in appearance.

Lord, enable me to accept,

that You made me.

And something You made,

may not be so good,

but is never bad.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Updates

Of late, I've been trying to sort out a lot of things in life. I'm trying to straighten out my priorities, thoughts and everything else. Quitting the current job, relocation preferences, struggle and difference between job and studies, and wanting to do both and equally well, is a big time confusion :(

I am of a mould, who cannot even work with inefficiency. If that be the case, I'd rather not work. Perhaps the problem of perfection !!!

But anyways, right now, I'm struggling trying to work out job, study, duties to family and a prospective relationship. Sometimes, I feel, I'm a misanthrope. And sometimes, I feel so unsocial. I wish no one was around me.

But, may be what appears isn't what exists and vice-versa.

Lord help me choose the right path.

yay!!!!!!

I had NEVER expected this........

CAT 94.62

English 97.45

vo voooo

Love

This can change my life wonderfully !!! And, am sure, it WILL make some people happy for sure.

Thank You Lord

IRC.........

IRC......

My distraction again!! Hope this works this time. Reinstalled, but will not be able to make out any time, not till exams.

Yes!!!!

Deleted the biggest distraction of my life....... IRC!!!

I'm sure this time, I wouldn't be returning, not at least for next 2 years at least, and probably never after. Because, till exams, it's a punishable restriction. After exams, I am planning to relocate for a long duration, and then..... who knows :D

Lord,

Now, that You've finally set me on the right path,

give me strength to keep following it :)

Amen!

Altered Timetable

7a Wake up, daily cleanliness, chores, mild exercise.

8a Chanting/Meditation, Breakfast

9a Study

1p Lunch

2p Study

8p Dinner

8.30p On-line Mails

9p Blog

10p Study

12a Sleep

Restrictions:

No IRC

No on-line period except allotted.

No wandering around in places or people, where I cannot control my emotions.

No skipping on meditation, exercise, sleep, eating or study.

Rewards:
Successful attempt for a day - a new pen/notebook

Successful attempt for a week - a due personal grooming and pampering session at a beauty saloon, after exams (to be awarded in successive months)
Successful attempt till exams - Result will show!
If the result is above the required percentage - Party!!!!

Punishments:
Successive failure for one day - ginger and no on-line time for all the rest of the days, till the backlog is complete.

Target: Required percentage.

Schedule begins: 28th Feb, 2010 7 a

Schedule ends: 7th April, 2010 7p.

Good luck to myself :) *hugs myself tightly*.

Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)