LifeStyles and Relationships : 1

Disclaimer:This series of posts MAY contain some adult content. Also, though I would try to be dispassionate about my analysis and treatment of the subject, at times my views might not appear as traditional or conventional. If such be the case, I request the reader to not feel offended.


I have been recently thinking a lot about relationships...Their basic nature, types, causes, effects......and everything...

I have had thoughts hurting my head of late. Thoughts about different kinds of lifestyles, and different kinds of relationships people talk. I am not here, talking about the relationships between a family in the traditional sense. I am primarily thinking about the relationship of a man who is not related to a woman by blood. Probably, these thoughts have been lying low for a lot of time, and are a part of my evolution, my growth and metamorphosis.

Contd..... on 30.11.09

To me, a relationship is one of those few precious posessessions (I mean it....POSESSIONS! )a human being can have. A relationship is an immensely satisfying part of almost every human being's life. It's just the kind of relationship a person wants, that varies.

What varies is not the unbearable, overwhelming need to belong, but the idea of whom to belong to. In different relationships, and for different people what changes is not the place where the relationship happens, not the medium of communication and not even the distance, but the level, intensity and sense of belonging.

What changes with the couple/group involved is not the emotions or the basic elements of relationship. But, what changes is that different people treat and handle these elements differently and that is what makes these relationships unique. This is what makes these relationships so different, and so much a cause of both pleasure and pain.

I guess a few basic elements of a relationship are:

• Compatibility: emotional, intellectual, psychological, physical and of course spiritual.
• Communication: It has to be both sided.
• Compassionate Passion
• Collective efforts
• Care and unconditional Love.

These are what I call the 5 C's of a relationship. IN the next post of the series, I'll discuss these in details, with examples as I can think of that.

Till then, lots of love and regards,
Anu
©anu (Exploring Myself)

Trying to calm myself

Lord,

I complain, I fret.
I toil hard, covered in sweat.
To make things right,
when I'm not in control.
To reduce my plight,
when I can't resurrect my heart and my soul.

Distressed with the world,
troubled with my feelings....
I wish I would die..
But, then I think...
I must be fair in dealings,
shouldn't make loved ones cry.......

can't continue...... can't think further..... will continue and write when I can.
30.11.09...

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The pirates' Song

The king and his men,
Stole the Queen from her bed,
And bound her in her Bones,
The seas be ours,
And by the powers,
Where we will, we'll roam.

Yo Ho, haul together,
Hoist the colors high,
Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,
Never Shall We Die!

Some men have died,
And some are alive,
And others sail on the sea,
With the keys to the cage...
And the Devil to pay,
We lay to Fiddler's Green!

The Bell has been raised,
From it's watery grave...
Do you hear it's sepulchral tone?
We are a call to all,
Pay heed the squall,
And turn your sail toward home!

Yo Ho haul, together,
Hoist the colors high
Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,
Never Shall We Die!



Source: Pirates of The Caribbean at The world's end.

I like the music, though not essentially the lyrics.... But I like the two lines.....Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars,Never Shall We Die!

Love,
Anu

I am but a part of You

I look at the sky,
the roof so high,
spread equally over head,
hiding the cosmos shy.

I look at the earth,
the Terra firma.
spread beneath the feet,
vast hiding lava and magma.

I view the oceans,
spread vast and beyond.
with water unrestrained,
hiding... of tears and salt.... a bond!

I wonder where on this vast land...
A tiny speck like me has a stand?
I realize, I'm but everywhere,
as long as I care, as long as I share.

I'm nothing and
None the less a being divine too,
for Lord, I'm nothing,
I'm but, a part of You.



©anu (Exploring Myself)

A long Prayer

O Lord,

I am here,
bringing myself to thee,
in submission to thy will.
But, heavenly Father,
They say that You alone are the father to Your children,
and hence desires if any,
must be expressed to You, and
be granted by You.

Lord,
In this world,
I come across different people,
who treat and understand things differently.
I come across those,
full of purity,
and those full of impurities too.
I understand purity and impurity are relative O Lord!
And, that You love all Your children equally.

But, should the children err,
what their fate shall be no one knows.
No one except...
You divine Father!

I pray to thee........
to make me see...
what I must,
what You wish for me.

Help me judge Your designs O Lord!
Not so that I may become a seer,
but so that I may love,
and not fear.

Lord!
make me believe in knowledge granted by You,
and make me seek the truth, if for just moments a few.
For, the truth delivers,
and ignorance is not bliss.
And to fully surrender to a Master,
One must understand the designs that are His.

This prayer, I bring to Thee Lord,
Through the souls You've delivered,
Through Your disciples who sought You,
and finally found You.

Deliver me from evil.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Pic that represents freedom

yes!!! here's the link for the pics... http://www.jonathonart.com

Prayer of serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6



This is a wonderful prayer one of my friends had forwarded to me. I thank her very much :)
And, here's mine:



Lord,
Grant me strength,
humility and desire,
to bring necessary changes,
and to avoid those that may hurt others.

Grant me Your love,
that I may share it with those around me O Lord!

Amen!!

Attention v/s Information :Long Distance Relationships

I'm writing this post for a few reasons:

1. As an expression for those people who are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), and can't say this to their partner, for whatever reasons.
2. To understand my own prospective better about a few things.
3. To analyze and share my understanding of relationships in general. Of course my opinion may be wrong.

I have been thinking for last few days now. In Most long distance relationships, what bugs people the most is not the lack of attention. They know that their partner is around. Rather, what bugs them is the lack of information and communication. What they REALLY are interested in, is the knowledge that You're well, fine, safe, and happy.

Of course, I am not denying the fact that they aren't interested in knowing in which friends their partner met, or which party did they attend. Of course they DO want to know all that and are interested in all that. But, if You're busy, this CAN wait. But, what for most people can't wait is the knowledge that You're OK.

Let's take for an eg. a couple who's married to each other. They are in Govt. Jobs, and they would want to stay together in the same town and house. But, IF one of them is in a transferable job, and has to relocate alone, it's not always possible that his partner relocates too. There can be endless reasons for this: kids, study, business, family, dependent parents, career and what not.

Now, in a typical Indian scenario what would happen is that they would talk at least once everyday, more in times of need, or emergency. They might not talk for hours, or may just talk for a few minutes, saying...'Hey! I'm fine, I've written a long mail.I'm still in the office, and will get in touch soon'. If let's say, one person cannot call, the other would definitely check in.

Scenario no. 2. A newly wed couple: Husband finds a wonderful job in a country which has a 12 hours time zone difference, and huge calling costs. Or it could be a typical (read 'real')LDR, where in a couple explores the relationship overseas, across the 'oceans and seas' literally.

They decide that : Calling is costly, mailing is cheaper, sms is costlier than a call. So, they would mail each other, and let each other know where, how, and in what condition they are.

This is Information that keeps both reassured that the other is fine.

And THIS, I think is what most couples seek.....And This is where care and concern still remains non-interfering as long as both understand it :)

...........I've been trying to write beyond this, but I've not been able to compose any further, so posting as it is on 09.11.09

Rest till later :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

All alone : A small prayer for patience

Lord,

Help me realize what You seek from me.
To be able to survive lonely,
all alone.

Give me strength to fight my need for reassurance.
The need for submission, Lord!
Let it be gone.

Bring me to the world of reality,
cruel, harsh and unpleasant though.
There's always a difference between what we seek and get,
The small difference Father!
Let me know.

Wisdom to change things,
the way they should be...
To change them,
when the time is right...
Grant me divine!
The will to accept,
those that I can't change..
with all my might.

Make me patient,
with those I care for.
And with those who're neither my friends...
Help me realize,
Love requires me to wait,
and worthy display patience and passion's blends.

Make me care for others Lord!
without being possessive for them.
Let me realize, they know the best,
and that You care for all of them.

Help me struggle,
with my concern and impatience,
in spite of the immense love,
with all might,
at all times,
and All Alone!!!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Miracles

Miracles....
of love,
are immensely beautiful,
and wonderfully precious....

They however aren't always pleasant,
but at times bring love through hurt.

And, yet every moment in life,
is nothing,
but a moment of truth,
of magic,
A True Miracle!

Lord!
Help me see the omens of my life,
Help me move....
towards the destination...
You alone could have designed for me.

Help me realize,
that unless I cause harm,
All of my wishes and dreams,
are my arms...
In the battle of survival,
between Bliss and Grief.

Lord,
make me move ahead,
every moment, every day...
Towards the destination of service,
through humility's way.

Give me strength,
to change the things that I can.
And more to accept,
those that I can't.

And amidst the tears that silently flow,
of heart-ache and quiet pain...
Let my face reflect, learning's glow,
and let knowledge be my gain...

Lord, help me experience both sorrow and joy,
Wisdom from grief, and bliss to enjoy....
Give me the capability to share O Lord!
If I cannot break free from attachment's cord.....

Help me cause some miracles please!
In my demise I may smile with ease,
Glad to make some one feel loved,
With the mind firm, but heart gloved.

The miracles of love and beauty,
may they exist forever.
May Humanity succeed...
in Love's endeavor.


This I ask in Your holy name.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer: Failures and Success...confusion

Lord,
Guide me through the times,
both tough and easy.
Through times, when I do not know
what to ask of You, my Lord......

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Diwali celebrations begin

Then decorated the floors with designs and patterns (Alpana and Maandana). I made several of them with washable colors, since they have to be kept for no more than 4
days. And definitely I wouldn't want the marble permanently colored :) But all the stairs
and the floors of course are looking very nice.

Today I'll do the glass sticking so that the light from lamps is reflected at each step,
and the home would light up excessively well today.I love Diwali, if not for anything
else, for the fact that it lets me use a lot of my creativity in the aesthetic sense.

Tomorrow would come the rangoli.......more lamps today and tomorrow. Of course tomorrow also would come the crackers.... most of them would not be bombs, and hence no noise, rather just firecrackers will loads of sparkles :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The festive spirit of man

The festive spirit of man is one of his basic instincts, both at the levels of flesh, mind as well as soul. Festivals satisfy, that deeply embedded need of joy, pleasure, merriment and enjoyment of which, the basic is in the need and requirement for bliss....

Sukhavasane idamev saaram.... This small Sanskrit phrase can be interpreted in many ways...In the end of joy, this is the conclusion, or that...the death of a human being in joy and pleasure is the only conclusion... can be the other interpretation.

Its surprising to note how infectious this festive spirit can be, and for a heart broken, how equally devastating can it be as well.

The best part about it however, is that, it lets man be in touch with his surroundings, in harmony with culture, environment, society, internal pleasure, celebrations, and even environment as in scientifically.

For eg. Diwali is one such festival...
Spiritually:it signifies the triumph of truth,
Mythologically:The return of Rama, back to His Home,
Socially: The festive spirit of man, and his keeping in touch with friends and family
Culturally: the lighting of lamps to destroy the darkness
Environmentally: The destruction of pests and insects by the process of white-washes...etc....

Not to say of course, that the festival equally affects the economics of the country and the politics (specially when it is governed by the religious sentiment of the people), as well.

This is a typical example of how a festival permeates its essence in all aspects of human life, and how it portrays the all-pervading festive spirit of human beings.

Till later,
Love

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Brida

The conflict of finding two soul mates in life is immense and devastating.... specially for One who'd weak of mind, and more than that, unsure of heart. Not an easy decision it would be, if Brida would have to choose. But she just didn't have to. She had been following what she had heard her heart saying. But, tough, yes it definitely was, for the wizard who loved her.

Older to her by a number of years in age, experience and tradition, he knew he was her soul mate and just the vice-verse too. But, he chose to wait, and eventually lose, and yet be happy. I cannot explain ho many times have I wept while reading this book by Paulo Coehlo!

I don't want to delete this post right now, and would rename it/reform/edit it, once I can re-organize my thoughts.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Loneliness: need family

I know what a responsible, educated young woman.... or rather young lady means. But, the fact is I seek to have a family of my own. I wish I wouldn't have to worry about any sort of contributions, any sort of responsibility, and any sort of maturities.

Sometimes I think... Is money this important ? And, then I look at various examples of peopl and their lives all around me, to think that money IS definitely important. But there's something more important than that! Which is the sense of belonging. And we can't generate this sense of belonging. It has to come from within. I can very well imagine that I belong to some place, some people, a family or a group of friedns. But, the fact is that I still am lonely.... utterly, absolutely Lonely!

This sort of loneliness exists when the expectations in a relationship are higher than can be fulfilled or satisfied. Also, this sort of loneliness is there when we try to convince ourselves about the fake realities. Or, may be this is JUST my problem and nothing generic. Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, over the years, I have begun believing that this world is temporary, while soul is eternal, and hence I need things that are permanent too, and not those that are transient. Things and people or relationships, all mortal, wouldn't be able to satisfy me as something eternal would.

And yet, seeking eternal love or an eternal relationship, right from heaven, doesn't seem/isn't possible. Rather what seems possible is just being lonely and dead. Or else, to suffer amidst the numerous relationships across different births.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't spiritual or even aware of the word spirituality. Specially when the desires of flesh overwhelm me. To avoid/pacify these desires, I've tried...........what not? Relationships (rather the idea of being in relationships), friendships, family relations, ergomania, literature, hobbies, meditation, going out and culture and what not!!
The result?
Nothing seems to work!
Reason?
They too aren't permanent!

Now the crux of the problem is that I need things and people who'd stay longer than any thing, and I get what's just momentary. So what should I do? Should I become a renunciate? NO, because I'm submissive but not 'that' submissive. I've never been able to submit my soul to any rituals, practices or anything except the true force of this universe. The cause behind all causes. The "Sarva-kaaran-kaaranam" ! In different forms, shapes, with different names and what not.

I need God........ but the trouble is.. I need Him in the human form, something of my personal incarnation. I do not need anything less than a Master. But a Master, not of my flesh or mind alone. A Master, who would guide my soul on its path, and yet accept that He doesn't own my soul. I sometimes think I need a spiritual Master. But, the trouble is that I can't be bound to a hard and fast set of rituals and practices. And that also, I CANNOT DENY the desires of flesh. I can definitely subside it to some extent, and to suppress it when important, but I cannot JUST forget them.

Solution......... get married? Yes perhaps, but then the duties and the obligations call!
I wish I could just let my mind not think about any of this stuff, and let my destiny shape what I desired.

Lord,
You who have given me the mouth,
Are One who feeds me!
And I ?
I desire things different than those You give me.
Help me desire only which I deserve Lord,
and grant me that I deserve, if so You please.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Vaccum: the soul v/s the mind and heart

I am suffering from another of my vacuum pangs........ those pangs of the typical bipolar depressive phases. I am trying to absorb myself in work, even extra work, even that which doesn't bring me any benefits, neither monetary, nor intellectual or educational.

A part of me is cribbing about the extra work, but the fact is that the extra work exists because I agree to its existence. If I deny doing some work, no one can force me to do it, but the fact is that I do not want to deny it either. Why? because I know, if I stay back at Home, I'll have those bouts of a quarrelsome mood, and a very negative attitude. So, its better I work.

This vacuum seems to be more of an emotional and psychological nature rather than being that of a physical or materialistic nature, though the precipitating causes can be something as simple as .............why did a friend not pick my call just when I called, or why did mom not cook a certain vegetable, or why wasn't my printer functioning (though it now is).

Lord,
Help me sustain,
Help me survive.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The god of Earth

If to walk amongst us He chose,
it would be profanity. Some might say this.... but I guess thats not true.

If He stood high above, He could instill fear and not love, and then
one fine day....... He'd cease to be true.

For the fear of God, is not what humans need..... they long for an
entity, loving in deed.........

Thus, only when He walks the earth, shall He be the Real God!!!

Prayer:

If You are thee,
Please show me thyself.
For, I do not understand You,
but I wish to feel You,
and thenceforth always love You.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

About Ourselves : Do we share?

I've been thinking about writing on this since a long time now. The question I have is... do we share? If yes, with whom and how much? and why? I have this knack of thinking in terms of my 5 W's and 2 H's. SO For this too :)

The question is.... DO we share?

and the answer is....... Most of us DON'T!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I wish

My thoughts are very disoriented today, and I wish I could reorganize them

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mai Nadiya Fir bhi main pyaasi.........

Loneliness looming over me..........
I stand all alone,
on the other shore of the river of live,
O traveler!
When would you come?
I wish you'd do that soon!!!

This is the closest I could get to the translation, and whilst I write this.... I am sick and tired of my life. Why, I wish I could put in words, and explain.....

Lord,
Grant me sustainance!

Amen

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am who I am

I have beeen thinking last few days about who and what type of an individual am I. I sometimes feel that I am what the reality is... and at others what my fantacy is.... While I am both a slave and a tyrant when I read a medieval story, I am the white wizard if it comes to the wizard fantasy fiction. I am both a dragon slayer and a dragon ride, I am both Brida and also the magician. I am also Athena, as well as her teacher.

All these traits do not mean that I'm losing my mind, or that I do not know who I am, or that I have become Don Quixote who's lost in a world all unreal. The only thing this means is the fact that this world is just not the right for me. I picture myself as one who would design all these charachters. When I read these books, I live each of these charachters. There haven't been few days after I read Don Quixote that I worried I might once become like him. But, I somehow knew that I'd not be able to.

The only fact is that I wish to be larger than life. Though I do not underestimate myself, I know that real heroes turn out to be heroes, not because they are larger than life, but because they live each moment with all the passion and intensity they have. However, I wish to be who I am, a sensible human being, and yet in some way a woman whom the world might call Heroine.

I know my struggles are neither large nor small. They are just my share of all the struggles that people have to suffer. I also know that there's nothing like the best hero or the one and only hero. All the heroes who live life the way they should are sung of, and even the singing is not important. One does not need a saga written in one's name to be remembered, one just need the acceptance of oneself in one's times and by one's people, and perhaps that's what I crave for, in all the different roles that I read of, and that I can think of.

I have a whole lot of thoughts muddled in my mind right now, and in order to rearrange them, I'll take a break, and rest my fingers that have been typing for last 10 minutes incessantly.

Till then......

I am who I am!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Update

I have been very busy last few days. Last few days, the work load has increased and so has the stress of study. I feel very surprised at the way life has changed drastically. I do not understand what had brought this change so soon or so sudden. Or may be it wasn't sudden but was gradual, just that I didn't find time to reflect, ponder or dwell on it. My vocabulary has changed, while Hindi is gradually going for a toss.

I do not understand why have my personal temperaments changed too? Three days ago, I did something, I shouldn't have. Why? I felt an immense need to. However, if I repeat that same activity, I know I'll grow addicted.

The loneliness is growing high, and the fact is that I do not tend to realize the hit just because I do not find time to dwell on it. I do not understand what would happen if I wouldn't be so busy with two postgraduate degrees and a hell lot of work. But, the most troublesome of all is the fact that it's taking toll on my health, both physical, mental and emotional. More than I had really expected. Today even ^^^^^ ^^^ said that he feels I'm probably taxing myself too much. But the trouble with me is that academic bent of my mind. The trouble is my stubborn nature and the headstrong attitude.

For now, I have only three primary goals. To perform well as a trainer, and to constantly improve. To be a perfect sample of an efficient and effective student, and more than anything..............to keep myself safe and sane emotionally, physically and mentally. I know its going to be very tough, BUT I want to do it!!

Lord,
Grant me strength...not to win...but to fight !
Grant me wisdom....not only to learn...but also to share !
But more than anything Lord,
Grant me....... Sustainance!!

Amen!


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Why?

Why do I want to be a teacher? Or is that I really want to be a teacher? The answer is Not really. I want to be an educationist. I do not want to just teach. I also want my discretion in what to teach, and how to teach. My methodology is something I want to design myself.

Also, things that are often taught in the curricula have got nothing to do with the real things that should be learnt. Rather, they should be re framed, redesigned.

Rest....later....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Birthday Vacation

I know I sound eccentric at times, but I took up a two day vacation from work, studies and everything, which is going to extend till today later in the noon, approximately 12 hours from now. I am joining work again at 3:00 p.m. today, and what did I do last 2 days? Absolutely nothing except, reading, sleeping, writing emails and eating a little.

I have been worrying about a few things which I had of late stopped fretting about. However, I feel, I cannot resist being what I am, and that when I have excessive love accumulating in myself, I become all the more tensed up, troubled, and disoriented. But, I know this as a matter of fact.

I know about my bipolar issues as well, and I also know that I persist every time, because God helps me. He helps me sustain. I finished six books, fiction mainly. I re-read The Witch of Portobello. I'm on my way to the 6th new fiction in last two days, and I know that by the time I return to work tomorrow, I'd be done with this one, and a non- fiction to go along with it.

I am just desperately waiting for my MBA study material, which I shalll get most probably by the 1st of August, and that shall be the relieving part, getting me into the proffessional student mode once again. I also need to focus on the other degree I plan to do simultaneously.

I am simply happy at the good oppurtunity of having 3 full years at my hand, which I wish to use most judiciously and meticulously. I wish to real a lot of books, update and build up my general awareness and general knowledge along with the current developments in all major aspects of human life. This of course, has to be in addition to my studies for my dual degrees, and my job. I know its going to be pressurising, but I guess God this time wants me to do it, or he wouldn't have helped me developed the wonderful reading speed I have and the understanding that I gain in a subject (comparative of course). Though I'm not a perfect individual, I know I'm a good learner, and I wish to be a perfect one!

Lord,

Grant me ability to put in effort.

So that,

I may learn what is intended for me.

So that, I may fulfill my destiny on this earth,

and be a well-guided instrument at Your hands.

May I never lose my humility Lord!

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Happy B'day !!

Happy B'day to me!
Happy B'day to me!

Happy B'day, Happy B'day,

Happy B'day to me!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)