This is a blog of my thoughts and reflections on anything and everything I read, I do, and I observe.on my dealings with people, situations and circumstances. I might quote some parts from what i read, but this is not going to be book summary. It is my property. It may not be used anywhere, unless explicit permission has been granted by me. Disclaimer : Anything I write here, may or may not reflect on what I actually practice in my personal life. © anu (Exploring Myself)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Have I changed?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Teaching and Me
Recent Updates
- I labelled, stamped and listed and cataloged all the books I have. And I also gave away that had become irrelevant or not so useful over the time. So, I have some 1500 books remaining finally, but I haven't yet excel sheeted them.
- I prepared for relocation to Delhi, arrange hostels, finances, jobs and went through a lot of telephonic interviews so that I could take it ahead as soon as I was in Delhi.
- I ended up spraining my leg with a hairline fracture when I tipped with my scooty in a pit full of water, because I didn't realize that it was a pit :)
- I finally managed to secure a decent, work-from-home job for 30 hour a week and will have my employer-given laptop soon (I will have to pay for my lapi from salary though). The salary is good and the work is monotonous but simple and still interesting :)
- So, now I work 6 hours a day five days a week, and I study for some 4 every day and study and learn French for another 2 and also access online sites that I was slow on in the period between more frequently.
- I have in the last fifteen days, interacted with quite a few people from all walks of life and these interactions have all taught me a bit, each in their own way though :)
- I got a facial done, a complete change of hairstyle and have started personal grooming more than past of late.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Him and Trident
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
31.8.10
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The First Love of my Life
Me and the Love of my Life
Sunday, August 15, 2010
A ray of Light
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Depression Finally
Friday, August 13, 2010
11/12 and 13.8.10
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Update Aug 9 and 10
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Que Sera Sera : Doris Day: Amazing
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty will I be rich
Here's what she said to me
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome will I be rich
I tell them tenderly
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
Que Sera Sera
Update : Aug 8, 2010
Tentative Schedule
Class again 01.00-03.00
Take a small break
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Class Schedule for The Next week
01.00-03.00
03.30-05.30
9th Aug, 2010
10.00-12.00
04.00-06.00
10th Aug, 2010
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
03.00-05.00
05.30-07.30
11th Aug, 2010
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
04.00-06.00
12th Aug, 2010
05.00-07.00
13th Aug, 2010
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
04.00-06.00
14th Aug, 2010
06.00-08.00
Monday, August 2, 2010
A Week Later
No, it's not the sanctimonious or self-righteous me, nor is it me surrounded by a horde of friends, willing to support me. In fact at this moment I'm as lonely as I can be :)I am happily willing to let go. But, at the same time, I do wish to hold on. I can't let go of my precious friends like that. in this dilemma, here's what:
I am thankful to my friends and to God for them. People who care for me, no matter what. People who stand and stick around. And, people who help me move on when some others hurt me and simply can't let go.
And I just want to say this......
I Love You even when I err and go away.
I love You always, not only when I stay.
And here's what I say to the Lord, for those of us who have been blessed, and those who think they haven't been (though it's not true).
I pray to Thee O Lord,
Give us all,
the strength to accept,
with grace both yes and no,
and to be able to be friends,
and not create an unnecessary foe.
Give us the strength Lord,
to move On.
To realize that the death of somethings,
means something else is reborn.
Help us all to accept O Lord,
That different folks and different strokes,
of pleasure, pain and paint,
and I hope no one chokes.
within walls they have created around themselves,
and the unnecessary baggage that they drag from the shelves.
Help those of us specially O Lord,
who find ourselves helpless,
in anger, misery and frustration,
futile and useless.
Let no Man think He's the grandest of all,
able to decide the universal right and wrong.
Let no woman think, she's the prettiest of all,
for there are men and women more pretty, ore strong.
To those who trust, have faith, let them keep it,
O Lord, lest they lose it and be alone.
Let the sighs of All be of pleasure,
and not of pain and not into moans and groans.
But most of all,
forgive me Lord,
for though I ask all this of thee.
Some times, of rejection, chastisement and care,
and all sincere protection I flee.
Forgive me for the unwanted hurt I cause,
Forgive me when I grit my teeth, grind my jaws.
Forgive me when I hurt friends,
Forgive me when I can ignore the fiends.
Forgive me when I'm sad, for You didn't intend me to be.
Forgive me when I'm sorry for the way You made me.
But most of all Lord,
Make me Love all,
for in all the universe, Your breaths,
alone rise and fall.
This I ask in Your pure Name.
Amen!!!
© anu (Exploring Myself)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This Day I pray
First of All, Happy B'day to me!!!! :)
OK, so a quick post here.I am 26 now. I am no more within that magic number 25, and I hope this year goes well for me.Now, Last few months I've almost been rotten, but today finally I've given myself a shake and taken some major decisions in life. I've tossed aside a few temporary things that happened, and I will not look back.
I'm going to stick round with Those valued, cherished,respected and Loved, no matter how much I might err and might want to go away for embarrassment's sake. Not because I want to bother these people or make them uncomfortable, but because I will prove myself to them and that too only out of love and because they want me to prove to the world and be successful.
I've isolated myself from almost the whole world this year somehow. specially in my real life.
I am going to try something that sounds miraculous tomorrow and I hope it just works.Let's see what happens. And yes, when I say snapped out, I literally mean that :)
Lord,
Grant me the strength,
the serenity,
persistence and perseverance.
Make me do what You've designed me for and
what I'm destined for.
This,
I ask in Your holy name.
Amen!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Vo Pandrah Din : Those Fifteen Days
THOSE days, when I contributed to people's lives around me. Those days that were one of the darkest period in my life and yet the brightest. Darkest because life was a mess, while brightest because I taught the deprived kids what they wouldn't get in school. A bit of respect, a bit of English and a bit of math and multiplication. These were kids, who'd take my tantrums and yet laugh with me. Kids from not so well - to- do families. Kids who were willing to teach me as much as learn from me. Kids who taught me how to make photo frames, how to make a bunch of grapes from playing marbles,and kids who looked forward to English vocabulary.
Children who'd fight amongst themselves, who'd weep when I scolded, and who would be almost serenely happy when I smiled at them. Kids who'd try to make me happy by studying harder. These were kids who stayed around because THEY wanted to, not because their parents wanted to. Not because they were forced to.
Kids who made me feel wanted, who made me feel I was worth existing when nothing else was good enough. When my best friends were overwhelmed, not knowing how to handle me, these kids brought those smiles and those tears to my eyes.
I had kept the classes for 15 days only because I didn't want to teach for free, while the children wanted to come for more time, and I denied because I didn't know when I might snap at them. But today, I miss those 15 days.
Lord,
Grant me many more 15 days of this sort. Make my life useful to those around me.
Amen!
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Uncluttered Life
My life has fewer friends than past, but those that are worth it, and some of them -do- receive my blog posts in their mails. They might have set me for block though, am not sure :)
My relationships are much smoother and less confusing, commitment shifts happening, in terms of friends as well as valued people. I see and observe people being unable to get over, unable to move on, people who crib, whine, pout because they didn't get what they needed and wanted. The more important word here is want. And then I dislike them and end up disliking them.
When I wrote my post on 'My Name is Khan' I had to an extent realized that I was also being a whiny and a pouty mean bitch, but today I realized that being a whiny cribber was my past.
I am proud of my decisions and am glad I took them in-spite of all my dilemma, and in spite of all the hurt it caused to me. It does not matter what people think about it and how do they react to it. Honestly, it just doesn't affect me anymore.
So, back to uncluttering,this shows that I have uncluttered my heart of many emotional entanglements that were bonds of strength at one time and negative bonds at another. Today I feel so cleansed, free and pure. Not because of who I am in my real, physical life, but because I am learning to respect myself for who I am and because I've covered one more step closer to that :)
For now, back to studies!!! :) But, before that,
Lord,
Give me strength,
not to fight others,
but,
to fight myself..
And,
come out a Victorious winner.
I know Lord,
The winner stands alone,
but grant me the grace,
to share the victory,
so that I may be with loved ones,
and those too, who do not love me.
Grant me the power to love,
unconditionally.
And Lord,
make this unconditional love mean to me,
something that I can share without discrimination.
In Other words Lord,
Make me an instrument of Your peace and Love.
Amen!
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)
Monday, July 12, 2010
My Name is Khan !!!
**There are a lot of things going on in my mind, including two things primarily :)
1. The Movie - My name is Khan
2. My personal decisions that have grown.
So, may this post be on "My Name is Khan"
I was watching this movie last night, and was amazingly touched. The struggle of a man, with Asperger's Syndrome, Rizwan Khan who's is in America. A man who loses the love of his life, his son from that wife,.....**
So, my name is not Khan and no, I'm not a terrorist. My name is my name and I am a lot of things, but none worth being judged about unless I harm someone. I am someone not successful, partly orthodox and not someone who's very well to do. But I'm so blessed.
It was after I saw this movie that I in actual sense realized that it's the inclination, the thought process and the desire that differentiates one from the rest of the people. It's not money, nor fame, nor strength and nothing else that matters when You want to do something, whether for yourself or for others.
I remembered 'Thakur' 'super 30' and loads of other people. I remembered an article from the Hindu that said that the American has a tendency to give back to it's country. I remembered today's newspaper....Britain thinks of cutting down the help aid to India.
And I don't know what bothers me more? My not being good enough for an IIM or my country not being good enough to be self sufficient. This is not the first time I've thought about being self-sufficient and later doing something for the society. But, I always stopped back thinking I am helpless unless settled myself. I have often thought about not helping people unless they really deserved.
And now what has this to do with Khan?
This has got to do this :
Khan helped people of Wilhelmina, without doing anything other than simply pursuing what he wanted. And people followed. And yes I can change things too :)
And that's it :)
Lord,
Help me discover the unique strength I have.
Help me perform the task You created me for.
Help me prove You exist,
And,
Help me to prove that You alone are Love :)
Amen!
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Really?
Is it true that once You were lost in Your painful groan?
I wonder...
I always thought it was only me,
Who was lonely and alone.
I had always wished,
I'd have a companion,
And, I later realized,
I couldn't have.... even the least minion.
I don't know what I'm actually speaking,
For though it sounds like my mind,
It's more of my own musings to myself.
And this isn't a sane state.
I wish I was wither fully sane,
Or else...
Completely insane.
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)