Bliss, Joy and Pleasure

Just like there is a three fold composition of a creature....The Gross Body, The Astral/subtle Body and the soul, similarly there are three Modes of Nature...The Mode of Ignorance, Passion and Goodness, and similar is the difference between Pleasure, Joy and Bliss respectively.

Today for a brief moment after a long time, I experienced peaceful bliss. I can't describe it. I was crying, but my mind was calm, not the usual noisy stuff.

I wish I could elaborate more on this, but I am short of words. will try some other day.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Today

I had been busy since early morning today, and though I should have been reading/chanting/meditating/sleeping today, am here writing this blog post.....

I worked and cleaned the meditation center today with a devotee sister. Later, I went to meet 2 renunciates....a Mother and a Sanyasi (a Swamiji). The nun wasn't really happy about it, since I had intruded at a wrong time ignorantly. Lord, forgive me for I caused them trouble.

The Swamiji was very peaceful, calm, and blissful, and told me about the visiting hours, and the procedure. He asked me why was I there, to which I couldn't provide an answer. I didn't really ask him anything, and he answered each one of the questions that were boggling my mind.

I had a lot of questions in my mind, spiritual mainly in nature, and yet I couldn't speak a single word, couldn't ask him even one.
And yet as he spoke to me generally, he addressed and answered each question I had. And when I was back, he messaged the other devotee to ask her if I ha something particular in mind when I went to see him. I requested the sister to write to him, that all my questions had been answered by him already.

I was touched both by the answers and the care afterwards. I was delighted rather. Or blissful will perhaps be an even better word. All the while I had been there, I had been unable to stop tears flowing from my eyes, because I felt at home.

Lord,

I know not thy shelter,
though I crave for it.
I know not my spiritual Master,
though,
I know, I seek Him through You, and I seek You through Him.

All I know is that You always hold me when I stumble.
So hold my hand Lord,
and guide me to Yourself,
Your eternal and Universal love,
and make me an instrument, willing to be used by You.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer

Lord,

Help me survive,
Help me sustain,
Help me live up to Your expectations.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

14.06.09 And 15.06.09

I have been excessively preoccupied with settling up the work situation and the regular study and chanting patterns.
I am happy God has finally made it work for me, and I have a decent source and a job, even if part time, and that's as of now a great support for me.

Yesterday I chanted 4 rounds again, and I'm glad, God made me do that too, and I also studied.

I know I sound like obsessed with the thought....God gave me this, God gave me that, and blah blah........but...... This is true, and no matter how much I might want to emphasize it, I'll never be able to do it enough...........GOD DOES IT! HE'S ALWAYS WITH US!

I read Khalid Housseini.... A Thousand Splendid Sons ..... for the second time last night, and I was surprised the way it moved me, and the way I was forced to pen down in the book itself. I will summarize the same, once I've completed the second reading. I don't get as much time these days, like I used to do in Delhi, or I'd have already been through with it.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

12.06.09 and 13.06.09

On the 11th I was better, though late night 10th I had asked him to call me, which he didn't and I was OK with it, as later I realized that I was being weak in expecting support from him, and not relying on myself. 11th I spent the whole day out roaming around with my friend, and had been sleeping every alternate night at her place. To keep myself distracted and away from excessive chatting or thinking, I adopted this method, and I succeeded once again!!

Since the day I visited the psychiatrist, I took the medicines only twice!!!! As usual, not taking medicines :|

Lord is merciful and great and helps me a lot.

12th I went to inquire about admission in MBA program to the best local B-school, and decided in favor. Was busy the whole day working on the formalities, inquiring about loan facilities, and in the end by the evening decided finally against it :)

I had somehow known that this would happen.

Today morning was very tense, in the sense that I was worried, frustrated and confused as to what to do, and I messaged him asking if he could find me some free lance work though I am trying my resources as well. But by the end of today evening, I was able to decide what I have to do, and though he didn't call me, nor I expected him to, I had waited for his phone call.

Things are getting easier on my mind, and I'm thankful to The Almighty who's helping me with it.

Thank You God!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

It sucks!

Life seriously was in a mess yesterday......rather I was. Life was fine yesterday........good even.........I had a lot of good things turning up yesterday....Three part time 2 hrs each job offers with a decent payment,in total, and yet by the evening I was damn upset, though I had spoken to him about everything and shared.

Then by the night had a quarrel with a good acquaintance and finally I decided to walk apart as a stranger. I am a non - interfering person as a friend and expect the same, and He doesn't expect any interactions on a professional basis, so we wished each other well, and left.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A special Prayer

O Heavenly Father !
O Divine Mother !
Saints of All religions !

I bow to thee humbly in acceptance of your unceasing blessings and yet seek more blessings from You!

Lord!
Make me humble,
accepting what you grant,
and not demanding....
what I want!

Grant me O Lord!
A spiritual Master,
One who'll love me, and yet be stern.
One who'll bring me to Thee,
with Logic and yet be Firm.

Bring me to a state My Lord!
when I follow Your devoted children,
and come back to Your Home.
When I am compassionate to all,
and yet my motto becomes.....


.......God Alone!


in humble offerings to Sri GyanMata

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Morality : Source and evolution

P.S. This is a scrap that I've posted to an Orkut thread and I wished to post it here too:

For sure, there is something that has developed in humans as they have evolved from a cro - magnon to the Modern man. This is what is in discussion - Morality and the source of it.

In my opinion this is something innate. Its source is the same as the source of Human existence. Even in the carnal and non developed state humans had some codes (though unwritten/ undocumented). So, obviously all that has happened is the fact that this trait has developed.

So, the source is the same source as that of Humans themselves. Now, those who say that Humans are an original species (believing in the divine origin of world, would say that the source of morality is God Himself)

Religion in my understanding isn't the source of Morality, it is the effect of morality and a collection of codes, ethics and practices which reveal that a man considers the concept of right/wrong good/bad etc.

However, accepting the scientific thought that man has evolved from another species....... Morality still remains innate. Some traits initially shared by the whole monkey family, developed greater in man, in the form of his rational mind, and hence by this perspective, the source of morality is again innate.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Uncertainity and Drastic Changes

I had thought that I will blog today and not yesterday. But, I had not known that I will have to be weeping early morning and listen to abuses. I am writing this post though I know I may edit or delete it later. But I need to write and I don't have anyone around me with whom I can share.

There are things which I might keep denying it in front of the world, I know they WILL remain so. But, I also know it for a matter of fact that these things have their own advantages.

I had started this post at seven thirty in the morning and paused there, saved draft and not proceed, because hardly I realized that the day had drastic changes in store.
I patched up sooner than every time. I patched up on initiative, because I didn't want unnecessary tensions for myself. I have my plate already full.

I went for the dance class and the residential camp I was supposed to have been an instructor at. I loved dancing, but again...choices......There's a spiritual and moral training camp from 14th to 21st which will cost me 1000 bucks, and the one month dance class for 600 bucks. Now I want both bad, and don't have a single penny apart from what mom gave as her contro for the dance class :))

Let's see, something will work out!!!

I've finally reduced my blog number to 2 from 9, and though it was tough parting with those posts, it was in my best interest and I'm happy, easy and manageable.

I am planning on starting a lot of series on thoughts and reading journals. preferably the first one shall be on Bhagvad Gita :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Racing thoughts

I had thought I wouldn't boot the system now till today evening, but don't feel like. I had lots of thoughts racing in my mind since last half an hour.....and more than that since yesterday evening. May be its the aura of my room and my home. I need to do something about this, and change the energy vibrations from negative and lusty to positive and loving.

Lusty thoughts have been hunting me since yesterday, and I am unable to resist myself from thinking about them. All, I do, is when I have those thoughts and I have to give in, as soon as I realize where am I drifting, I beg for strength from God, and till now its helping, I hope it keeps on helping.

Lord,

Keep me calm in joys and sorrows,
keep me calm in happiness and misery,
keep me serenely surrendered to You,
for......
strength, righteousness, will and courage.

Keep me willing for a moral strength Lord,
for the character,
for the divine love,
and make me ready to receive Your mercy, Love and Blessings.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Beauty Enhancement and Pampering

I went for a complete beauty Enhancement package to a nearby saloon today. Cost me around 500 of which 300 mom contributed. I also learnt the things at the same time. a hair oil massage followed by waxing pedicure and manicure respectively. to which a facial (scrub, massage and pack) followed. Then I shampooed, got my eye-brow shaped, hair trimmed, and make up done. Draped in a Saree after 4 long hours I was ready for a marriage. I have just come back from the reception.

Some would say spending so much of time was foolery on the previous night to the exam, but its okay..I'm deeply relaxed now. Happy, Pampered, beautiful.

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Deleting and importing another of my blogs.....

Prologue:this post consists of the six poems on my other blog..I have decided that I will gradually reduce the number of my blogs to even a lesser number and gradually delete all the rest for the sake of manageability. I had posted these few poems on that blog and am posting them all here with dates and times of older posts, and also the comments of the readers:

Monday, June 1, 2009
Poison and Elixir

Life wasn't elixir....
till You came in.....
Its poision since.....
you gave in.....

Often I think,
with some remorse....
what if life would've taken...
A different course?

What if we'd been together,
till the end!
Writing our names,
in caves and not on sands.

But, life's often,
poison and elixir both together!!
In disguise of poison.....
its pure elixir!!

Trust me!

Posted by Exploring Myself at 1:06 PM


Thursday, September 11, 2008
Cheating oneself

Life, often cheats itself.
Not because,
it wants to cheat,
or be cheated.
But, rather because,
cheating sometimes brings solace........
even though temporary.

However,
the mind,
the brain and the soul,
doesn't wish to cheat.
Cheating however, still happens,
and to an extent,
helps.
because it brings joy,
even though temporary.

Tendency to cheat,
is actually a form of,
tendency to feel comfortable.
The tendency to find things,
that you want,
that you don't get,
and that you desire with a drive.
And all that,
what is deserved but not received.....

Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:59 AM



Friday, August 8, 2008
Surrender

Surrender.....
The spirit of it........
Makes one crave for more.

Sincere and serene,
it brings peace within,
only so long its not forced by cruelty.
If consensual, and respectful,
submission helps one grow,
and in one develops all the humility.

I wish to surrender,
to someone whom I'll know deserves.
It may be God or Man,
I'm not yet sure.
But all that is wish,
is to finally strive to perfection,
and deep in my heart,
feel surrender so pure.

Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:04 PM



Thursday, August 7, 2008
Virtue and Vice

Is it Virtue?
To seek from one, who doesn't wish to give?
Is it Vice?
To take from one, who wishes to surrender?

Life,
often doesn't wish to give.
And I?
I try to snatch.
Is it Vice?
Its forced isn't it?
Is it Virtue?
Yes, if Might is Right!

Definitions change with perceptions.

And is it Vice or Virtue?
That I wish to surrender,
or that I don't wish to surrender?


Why is it that definitions change?
Why is it that perceptions change?

Perhaps because,
Times........ change and........
People.......... change.

Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:45 PM


Split me.......

Pain,
Agony,
Sorrow,
and Grief,
beyond endurance.......
Have become, an integral part of Me.

Causing me,
to split myself,
to rip myself into 2.

One that craves for it and,
one that loathes it.
One that enjoys,
one that resists and Blocks it.......

They both co-exist, and they know that they do.
I'm not a Schizophrenic yet.

But then why this...........?

Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:38 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...

the necessity for meditation:
even a buffalo will reach its home without asking
anybody else if it is left ten kilometers away from its home.
even birds are traveling thousands of kilometers
and reach their nests every season.
but man cannot come home without asking anybody else
if he is put away from his home in an unknown place.
Even during the tsunami 2004 in Thailand you can see in
u tube
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=a-8_wEm7t8k&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-JDJs_5kQQ

that people are standing in the shore looking at the sea which is
coming at an up normal hight without running away and escape
from the waves even ten seconds before the death.
But animals and birds have escaped from the sight even two hours
before the incident.
why?
the intuition and the subconscious mind is covered by the
mind which is highly developed by uncontrollable thinking
permanently. the mind is perpetuate. (it will be existing by itself
permanently)
an indian is thinking in indian languages and an englishman in english
and an italian in italy and so on. since the languages are easily
available to the brain it is thinking permanently without stopping
even if he wishes to stop it.
eventhough the languages are the reason for the development
of the human race in all fields since the thinking is the base of all
developments but he lost his intuitive powers since the mind is
covering the inner mind (the subconscious mind) as he cannot
stop his mind when he wishes. it becomes a curse.
now the man has lost his identity, his individuality in the midst of thoughts.
he lost himself. he lost his intuitive powers.
now the mind is like a car in an open place without any restrictions
as it can go zig zag anywhere else.
chanting any words repeatedly ( any words in any religion in any method)
will make the mind a little controlled. it is the prayer.
it is now like a train which is going in fixed rails which cannot go
here and there which is controlled by the track.
above this level comes the meditation.
in this you are not thinking anything. you are not doing anything.
you are simply sits. you are zero. it is like the car or train stopped
permanently. it is not moving. it is not going anywhere else.
nirviruthi thyan....pathanjali yoga sutra ...1.1
no mind is meditation.... .osho.
it is the brahmam of hinduism. it is the zero of budhdha. it is the zen of zenism.
it is the supersoul of christianity. it is the sufi of islam. and so on.
whatever may be the name the result is one.
anywhere in the world, anywhere in the religion, whatever may be the
approach, whatever may be the method you are reaching only one stage.
you are in total zero.
after all human beings are having only one system of brain and they
will reach only one stage. get only one result.
meditate. be zero. be happy. be in bliss.

November 20, 2008 2:57 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...

also search http://www.ashokha.co.cc

November 20, 2008 2:59 PM


Aham Brahmasmi

Life, gives me nothing,
and I get everything.
It gives me everything,
but, I get nothing.
Perhaps, because I know, because I believe,
that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

If cipher begins the count,
and expands..... to infinity;
nothing....... becomes everything!

If space WILL someday.....
collapse to the Black hole,
Everything WILL be Nothing then.

But,
I shall remain,
Eternal, ever existing,
and Ever prevalent;
I am,
I exist,
in.....
Whatever, I do,
I seek,
I explore,
I find.
Because.......
I AM I.
I am Brahman - The Everything!
I am I - but, just Nothing

Posted by Exploring Myself at 9:11 PM
Blogger Exploring Myself said...

Brahman in Hindu Philosophy is the eternal effulgence of GOD
August 7, 2008 11:35 PM

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Post for 4th and 5th of June

I went to a friend's place on the 3rd night after celebrations, returned yesterday morning and then went again yesterday evening.

Friend? rather an elder acquaintance. Her mom and dad were in the house too, and I've been studying. I am keen on the exam that's on the 7th and I'll be gone some days. I was there till today noon 1:00 p.m. studying, and also watching TV after months and years for a change :)

I'll now be gone till 7th evening, focusing more on last minute preparations, and shuffling of notes and solving papers.

Lord help me!

I can see, deleting and quitting IRC has immensely helped. But its my Lord's blessings that have worked really.

Lord,
keep me on the right path!
I know You love me...
and You want me to love all and one.

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Looaadss of Funnnn!!! 03.06.09

Being Posted in back date:

I just love my spirits when they are like this!!! I had heeeeeeeaps of Fun!!! Today was the completion of the path. I made garlands, arranged flowers, decorated walls, sang hymns (loads of them), and was almost infectious to everyone!!!

I as infected with laughter, fun, joy, and pleasure.............No! I was infected with BLISS!!! and Go - conscious Bliss is infectiousssss!!

We had lots of guests, and they all loved it! I loved the fasting, the prasadam, the singing, the japa, the chanting, the kirtana...........practically everything we did !!! and my role in it!!!


Thank You So Much GOD!!!

Lord,
I pray to Thee,
Please keep me blissful.
Bless me with Thy Holy name.
Please keep me humble,
May we keep playing love game.

Love of a soul to the super soul,
female to the Only Male in the Creation!!

Grow my love Lord,
deep within me.
make it humble,
as pride is unbecoming.

But, Most of ALL Lord!

Keep me loyal, though I may drift,
help me grow loyal to You.
Help me be humble,
to those advanced on the path Lord!!

Help me grow and find the Bliss!!!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

An Understanding re-imbibed

This was supposed to be written and posted on the 2nd late night. I was actually singing a portion from the Ramacharitamanas - The Daksha-Yagya Episode and Shiva - Parvati Vivaha.

How Sati argued with the Husband, Lord Shiva, went against His will, took the form of Sita, met Lord Rama, and He recognized Her, called Her Mother. How she came back to Shiva, convinced that Lord Rama was the Eternal Head of The Godhead. The way Shiva meditated and found out how she had teted Rama, and His non-acceptance of the Lady henceforth. Sati's regret!

Her hearing that Her father is organising a huge Yajna. Her request to Shiva to go there, His denial to go uninvited, Her conviction that Her dad's place is ok to go even if not invited, and Her going there. She gets agitated there to see Her Husband's place amongst all other Gods/Demigods is no where.

Her getting angry, involing Yoga agni within her and burning herself alive. Shiva's anger, His destrying of the Daksha-Yajna and going to Samadhi!!

Reincarnation of Sati as Parvati, doing Tapasya to marry Shiva, Her immense faith and devotion to Shiva, and the fact that she cannot stand any of His comparisons, and through all obstacles her marriage to Shiva.

P.S. some may find this story tough, if they aren't well acquainted with Hindu mythology. Contact me for details please

........................ This is the story............. My Understanding was thus, and that evening as I read it and sang it again, I re-imbibed the understanding as follows....

1. Husband's qualities........He should inspire His wife to a devotional Life....not lust, guide her when needed, and yet leave to her the freedom of final decision.
2. Wife's qualities......... Obedient, humble, devoted. BUT BUT BUT.............TO THE RIGHT HUSBAND........
3.Couple's qualities...... co-operative, loving and caring.



Add On:
At times it's tough to imbibe and look at religion and mythology from this point of view........ However, one has to understand the difference between the mythological stories, and the Lila and pastimes of Lord and His Devotees.

Siva is an ardent devotee of Lord Rama, while The Lord glorifies Shiva for His devotion.

Sati is here an example to how the judgment of a wise husband(its about the body, conceptually we're all souls)should be adhered to, though they may sound unpleasant.

Siva examplifies, how a husband should ultimately give a wife her space, and not IMPOSE decisions on her.

I do not see it as conservative except that it's from a religious background incident. I might not have been able to clarify everything, I wish I could do that better :)





and yes, I realised that I still LOVE singing, and showing off !!! and I love myself for the gifts God has bestowed upon me and when I can use them in His service in any form. I love myself as God's very very gifted child!!! :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

At Peace Currently

Spoke to one of my old friends today, hadn't been speaking to him since past one and a half months.

Reason?

He thoughts that was best, and I didn't want to bug him or make him feel uncomfy, but I'm glad we spoke today. Even he called up today, and spoke for around 2 minutes.

I'm finally happy with friends around, and the depression in check. I didn't take the medicine regularly though. I guess, I can convince the Doctor to allow me to use it in SOS situation.

I finished off almost two books in past two days. I read Chetan Bhagat: The Three Mistakes of my life and almost finished reading Kiran Desai: The inheritance of Loss. Middlemarch by George Elliot is the first book that's really taken me so long to finish and am really looking forward to finish it off.

Am also studying well for my exam which adds to my sense of self esteem, and I don't think I need to change the way I speak, or the skills I have with language. Just because my language skills are more than average and I accept them, and just because I'm good at what I set my mind at, doesn't mean I'm boastful. I take them as facts, however somehow can't accept people criticising them for losses that might have been in my life.

I know people do have my best in their hearts, and I am thankful for their efforts to bring me out of certain things....but, I think, one day, I ghad to anyways move on, and so have I.

At times, my desires and longings are intense, and overwhelming, but.....1. My normal sunny season of the year is returning, and 2......... I'm working hard on it this time. This blog is not my way to portray myself to people, but rather more of a self-expression. This is a place, where I feel I can vent out my emotions, and feelings unchecked.

I have finished working on paper on the next post of Human rights, and expect to type it out in format soon. I have to soon start an article on Gandhian thought as well. I am finally looking forward to some creative and substancial writing rather than just my feelings and emotions.

Signing off for tonight with a small prayer.........

O Heavenly Father,

O Divine Mother,

Give me a speck of Your energy,

to keep myself devoted to a just cause,

which may be none, but a reflection of Your's.

Keep me on the path when I trod away from it....

The path....that You designed and determined for me.

If I budge,

bless me with strength,

or carry me in Your arms,

as You've always done.

Make me surrender to You in full wisdom and will.

Amen!

Post Script : I'm happy!!!!

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind today, racing like wild horses, but all positive in nature. So, I can't basically resist the temptation of putting them out here.

I'm positive about my mental faculties, and the level of effort I can put in. I agree, I often lack the will to put in efforts to channelise my energy well, but now my actual support circle revived, I'll be energetic again I know.

Also, looking from my past observations, June is the month when I generally start reviving from my annual depressive phase, so I know things will be going on fine finally. I am back to the 'I DON'T GIVE A DAMN TO ANYONE' mode about my decisions, choices, and career and study preferences, which I generally am at the beginning of every session. The only thing I need to do is to start getting towards the goal.

I actually got a complement today.....I'm tenacious! I know its got another interpretation as well, which probably won't show good on record, but then I was explained the context in which this was said, and coming from the one it came from, it makes me full of glee (am a big narcissist lol :) )

I have set a small target for myself today, and I WILL do it today. AT ANY COST! will disclose it once I have done it. am I sounding too energetic? Lol, its obvious! I'm happy!!!! So So happy!!!

Thank You God!!

A Small Prayer:

Lord!

Make this world a better place, for those whom we love, and those whom we can't.

For those whom we hate, and those whom we don't.

By, increasing our love for them, and reducing our hatred for them.

Lord,

Give us the love that's compassionate,

for, there are Those who don't/can't love us.

Make us thankful and not thankless.....

For there are those to whom we owe,

Those who love us, though we at times, do not love them.

Lord!

Make us not attached, merely loving.

Make us not detatched, just dispassionate.

Make us walk towards goodness,

with a smaile that may attract,

ourselves towards more, and others to You through us.

Lord!

Give us the strength,

to be happy, and to make others happy.

to be the change we want.

to be what You've destined usto be.

Lord!

Grant us wisdom,

so that we may understand Your choices and decisions better.

so that we may act to Your will.

so that we may bring more solace, to ourselves, and to others.

Lord!

Grant us love, peace, and harmony,

so that we may

reach unto You, through Your choicest sons and daughters.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I have a Dream.......

An old song...... I don't remember the band, and my thanks to those who've made it...... loads of hope!!!

I remembered from past...because someone mentioned they have a dream.........

I have a Dream,

A song to sing.

To help me cope.....

with anything.

If you see the wonder, of the fairy tale.

You can take the future, even if you fail.

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see.

I believe in angels,

when I know the time is right for me......

I'll cross the stream....

I have a dream.....

I have a Dream,

A fantasy.

To help me through...

Reality.

And my destination, makes it worth the while.

Pushing through the darkness, still another mile...

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see.

I believe in angels,

when I know the time is right for me......

I'll cross the stream....

I have a dream.....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Responsibility to Myself

I am ultimately responsible to myself, and irrespective of anyone's opinion, I know what I am up to, and how to change things...I WILL do so now, in the way best with me. without patronizing myself :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Get Lost!!!

All those feelings of loneliness, unfair treatment, self-pity, dependence and remorse..........I wish they would.......

GET LOST!!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Relapse:

Relapse of the slavery and submission is heavy. Sexuality was but not any more, may be because my date is over. I'll still be reporting to H*.

Mom and dad met with an accident today. They are ok, not very hurt.

I am interacting with loads of people these days, forming my impressions, widening my arena of thoughts, living every moment as it comes, avoiding deliberately and desperately what I wish to, and in this effort taking up even things I don't want to.

Depression is relapsing too!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Finally Relaxed

I am finally Home! I've made some good friends at work (students' forum) and at least I have people to talk to, though all of them are very very young, maximum 28.

I am doing nothing, but just relaxing and sleeping today.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Day/Night Out

I am in a different town since today noon. I traveled from Home at 10 in the morning, and its now almost 12 midnight 17th my date/time. I'm happy to be here, and in this change. Attended a formal meeting, and worked hard, and then partied harder. I am actually glad to be here, working for this organisation, and I wish each day was the same. Every single day I wish!

Not only because I love this work, Yes that's one of the main reasons, but even a greater one is that it helps me block memories off.It helps me keep my mind off a few things that I don't want to think about.

Called 'him' up, and 'he' called me back for a single moment, just one minute and a few seconds, and said that he'd try to talk in the night, which I was sure he wouldn't, and he didn't. Not that it really affects me though.

I called up a friend too, and he'd been busy the whole day, so couldn't talk, another's father got discharged from the ER today, and another one called me up whilst I was with the others, and hence I couldn't attend the calls.

It feels good at times, to tell people that you're busy and that too because of a genuine reason. I think of not calling 'him' any more, and to take up the hints he tries giving me, but, I need more work to really keep me that busy.... at least till I find a new job. Let's see how it goes.

Help me God really!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I know why.......

I am writing this blog earlier than the others..why? ...I'll be traveling tomorrow.......

I have decided that blogging is one thing that I'll be particular and regular about. I'll keep this one online ritual in my life, if none else..... Why? because I anyways would need to maintain a diary...a blog is easier to type than write in a notebook these days.

My writing habits are degenerating anyways...which I need to revive......but more than that....I need to keep the spirit of routine alive, at least in something.

I know I am improving....why.....because I want to....I'm desperate to.......to me the brighter is better than the darker....why because purity is what ultimately attracts me.......why, because I'm individuality!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am what I am......... and happy

I am glad things are finally keeping me busy......... I've realised that inspite of my submissive side, I am very well in control..... at least about things that relate to myself, my family, my career.....I know at times it sounds like me, me me......... But, I know that's good at times.

I don't need to offer any explanations to anyone for that, and that's all.

Thank You God, for making me realise, grow, go through pain, and yet keep me smiling...... Bless All Lord!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Real and Online Lives

I sometimes feel its like fooling oneself when we classify the life into 'Real' and 'Online' types.

Isn't the time that I spend on Online, a part of those so 'Real' 24 hours? Oh yes, it very much is!

Then what Online and Real Life? Just because its a fantasy does it stop being a part of the reality that its my thought process...me.who's real?

©anu (Exploring Myself)