I have beeen thinking last few days about who and what type of an individual am I. I sometimes feel that I am what the reality is... and at others what my fantacy is.... While I am both a slave and a tyrant when I read a medieval story, I am the white wizard if it comes to the wizard fantasy fiction. I am both a dragon slayer and a dragon ride, I am both Brida and also the magician. I am also Athena, as well as her teacher.
All these traits do not mean that I'm losing my mind, or that I do not know who I am, or that I have become Don Quixote who's lost in a world all unreal. The only thing this means is the fact that this world is just not the right for me. I picture myself as one who would design all these charachters. When I read these books, I live each of these charachters. There haven't been few days after I read Don Quixote that I worried I might once become like him. But, I somehow knew that I'd not be able to.
The only fact is that I wish to be larger than life. Though I do not underestimate myself, I know that real heroes turn out to be heroes, not because they are larger than life, but because they live each moment with all the passion and intensity they have. However, I wish to be who I am, a sensible human being, and yet in some way a woman whom the world might call Heroine.
I know my struggles are neither large nor small. They are just my share of all the struggles that people have to suffer. I also know that there's nothing like the best hero or the one and only hero. All the heroes who live life the way they should are sung of, and even the singing is not important. One does not need a saga written in one's name to be remembered, one just need the acceptance of oneself in one's times and by one's people, and perhaps that's what I crave for, in all the different roles that I read of, and that I can think of.
I have a whole lot of thoughts muddled in my mind right now, and in order to rearrange them, I'll take a break, and rest my fingers that have been typing for last 10 minutes incessantly.
Till then......
I am who I am!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
