I have a Dream.......

An old song...... I don't remember the band, and my thanks to those who've made it...... loads of hope!!!

I remembered from past...because someone mentioned they have a dream.........

I have a Dream,

A song to sing.

To help me cope.....

with anything.

If you see the wonder, of the fairy tale.

You can take the future, even if you fail.

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see.

I believe in angels,

when I know the time is right for me......

I'll cross the stream....

I have a dream.....

I have a Dream,

A fantasy.

To help me through...

Reality.

And my destination, makes it worth the while.

Pushing through the darkness, still another mile...

I believe in angels,

something good in everything I see.

I believe in angels,

when I know the time is right for me......

I'll cross the stream....

I have a dream.....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Responsibility to Myself

I am ultimately responsible to myself, and irrespective of anyone's opinion, I know what I am up to, and how to change things...I WILL do so now, in the way best with me. without patronizing myself :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Get Lost!!!

All those feelings of loneliness, unfair treatment, self-pity, dependence and remorse..........I wish they would.......

GET LOST!!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Relapse:

Relapse of the slavery and submission is heavy. Sexuality was but not any more, may be because my date is over. I'll still be reporting to H*.

Mom and dad met with an accident today. They are ok, not very hurt.

I am interacting with loads of people these days, forming my impressions, widening my arena of thoughts, living every moment as it comes, avoiding deliberately and desperately what I wish to, and in this effort taking up even things I don't want to.

Depression is relapsing too!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Finally Relaxed

I am finally Home! I've made some good friends at work (students' forum) and at least I have people to talk to, though all of them are very very young, maximum 28.

I am doing nothing, but just relaxing and sleeping today.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Day/Night Out

I am in a different town since today noon. I traveled from Home at 10 in the morning, and its now almost 12 midnight 17th my date/time. I'm happy to be here, and in this change. Attended a formal meeting, and worked hard, and then partied harder. I am actually glad to be here, working for this organisation, and I wish each day was the same. Every single day I wish!

Not only because I love this work, Yes that's one of the main reasons, but even a greater one is that it helps me block memories off.It helps me keep my mind off a few things that I don't want to think about.

Called 'him' up, and 'he' called me back for a single moment, just one minute and a few seconds, and said that he'd try to talk in the night, which I was sure he wouldn't, and he didn't. Not that it really affects me though.

I called up a friend too, and he'd been busy the whole day, so couldn't talk, another's father got discharged from the ER today, and another one called me up whilst I was with the others, and hence I couldn't attend the calls.

It feels good at times, to tell people that you're busy and that too because of a genuine reason. I think of not calling 'him' any more, and to take up the hints he tries giving me, but, I need more work to really keep me that busy.... at least till I find a new job. Let's see how it goes.

Help me God really!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I know why.......

I am writing this blog earlier than the others..why? ...I'll be traveling tomorrow.......

I have decided that blogging is one thing that I'll be particular and regular about. I'll keep this one online ritual in my life, if none else..... Why? because I anyways would need to maintain a diary...a blog is easier to type than write in a notebook these days.

My writing habits are degenerating anyways...which I need to revive......but more than that....I need to keep the spirit of routine alive, at least in something.

I know I am improving....why.....because I want to....I'm desperate to.......to me the brighter is better than the darker....why because purity is what ultimately attracts me.......why, because I'm individuality!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am what I am......... and happy

I am glad things are finally keeping me busy......... I've realised that inspite of my submissive side, I am very well in control..... at least about things that relate to myself, my family, my career.....I know at times it sounds like me, me me......... But, I know that's good at times.

I don't need to offer any explanations to anyone for that, and that's all.

Thank You God, for making me realise, grow, go through pain, and yet keep me smiling...... Bless All Lord!

Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Real and Online Lives

I sometimes feel its like fooling oneself when we classify the life into 'Real' and 'Online' types.

Isn't the time that I spend on Online, a part of those so 'Real' 24 hours? Oh yes, it very much is!

Then what Online and Real Life? Just because its a fantasy does it stop being a part of the reality that its my thought process...me.who's real?

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The conspiracy of the universe

I wanted to be free! Desperately Free!! The universe conspired, and freed me!

My real life relationship broke! I was free from one attachment!
My IRC family, I left! Another Freedom!
But...... I was afraid of making new attachments, they were in process!

Some one spoke to hurt me, and Another bond broken!
My system crashed, all softwares uninstalled....... All Bonds Broken!

Eventually they'll fade out! They all do in the end!

Am not exactly happy but Am satisfied.

I wanted satisfactory even if non-paying work, I wanted Friends, I wanted a social circle.......I got this wonderful organization!!!

And I now want a job to go along....... I know the Universe will conspire :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

9 Posts deleted

There were times when I had ideas almost boiling up in my mind, and I started many posts, in order to complete them later, since the thoughts would race in my mind. However, I couldn't complete even a single one of them. Let alone completing them, I couldn't even write a single word in any of them.

Today I am deleting them all. They were under the following heads:

Religion v/s Spirituality

Impatience or Need

Senses, Ego, Mind and soul

Spiritualism v/s Materialism

kajira heart

what I seek

Fantasy v/s real life

The True desire

Real and virtual

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mental Blockage, Emotional Baggage, and Thoughtlessness

I have started having a mental blockage that there aren't really many people who really are good.

An emotional baggage, that perhaps I'll never ever find my soul mate. I don't know why I am the way I am. Yearning to be at peace with my better half. I am restless..... at time like Athena of the Witch of Portobello, and at others like just myself. Running towards, and away from things.

I guess, this again an approaching height of my Mania, I've been observing the pattern. Initially lots of thoughts, then racy and now violently dashing.... gradually all getting so confused and muzzled up, till I fall in depression again. I am expecting a very severe depressive bout very soon.

Thank God! I know and understand most of my problem.

But, this state baffles me, and I try hard to write it out. What comes out is this limited stuff, neither elaborate, nor expressive enough as I want it to be.

Anyways.........

©anu (Exploring Myself)

I am Finally Free : No More Gor, No More Relationships...... Clean Life!

I am free, both in my real life, as well as online. No more collars, No more third person speech....I'm free to myself............ Liberated........ Resurrected

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Lonely again!

I'm so damn lonely again.....

I wish I had Him around......

I know He's just a friend... not always available anymore. just at times.......

©anu (Exploring Myself)