I will not crib about what I want and what I don't have. But I cannot right now even feel great about doing nothing and being unable to change circumstances. I do not know how to handle my cravings and I do not trust anyone around me.
I'm letting myself get numb and am sitting at home, not wanting to do anything. Perhaps, I could keep sleeping all day long, if over sleeping wouldn't cause a headache. I could keep singing all the day and forget about the damn world, if it were possible. But it JUST doesn't work.
What rather works is NOTHING. And I don't know how to get it. I can't satisfy make anyone happy, including myself. I am not happy with the choices I have to make, and those that I am presented with, because there are people whom I value and I feel suffocated. This includes not only family, but also some very very close friends. Some people whom I would perhaps do anything for. They do not understand that I need a break from studies. I wish to quit studying.
But, right now..... I'm numb. I do nothing but waste days, one after the other and another. I am exasperated with myself. May be I need to ease up a bit on myself, may be I need to befriend myself a little, but I just can't. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN DAMN IT !
But may be, this is what destiny's all about.
I wish I could push away MA/MBA/Any sort of study away from me, and just earn and be happy. Earn a few thousand bucks, let myself enjoy small pleasures and luxuries of life, and then after a year or two perhaps, when I feel suffocated with that again, return back to studies. People will never understand.
They simply can't :) No matter, how much good they wish me, no matter how much close they are to me. This is one dark secret, that they won't understand even after knowing it :)
But I know Lord,
If no one does,
and when no one does.
You will.
Help me sustain Lord!
Amen!
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)
