Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Friends in conflict with individuality?

Ok, so a little background first. I know it will sound a little gossipy, but I need to vent it out of my system.


I had three acquaintances-cum-friends.Imagine people who believe in a poly-amorous society, where almost everyone flirts everyone else and every one dates everyone else. So, let's call them A, B, C.

A who's a single young woman, elder to me was in a relationship with B, B was simultaneously courting C who was another woman of a similar age. A, B and C were all aware of each-other's presence in each other's lives. Things didn't turn out between A and B the way A wanted. So, she gets all furious and bitchy about C as well as B as well as the woman B finally gets attached to (let's call this new woman D).

Now, I do not have a clue between A. B. C because they are all usually tight lipped n their personal lives and I don't poke in my nose where it's not wanted. It's AS SIMPLE AS THAT.However, I end up in a fix in the following manner....

A posts something very offensive about C on the public forum (think of someplace like face book) where most of us usually interact with. I do NOT know the background. I end up commenting on it in a very general way. The some days later A tells me that the offensive words were a personal attack on C. I feel manipulated. I felt that something I said in a spirit of fun and humor, was portrayed as support of A in a personal warfare against C. I felt duped by A because if it was a personal attack, she should have either educated me (in case she was looking for a support from me), or should have removed my comment from there. She had done neither. And I had ended up hurting C.

Then some days later A and I talked with it again. And I told her she shouldn't have slandered someone on a public forum. She said C and B used to play games. I told her it didn't matter. One's personal dignity is one's own responsibility. A said she knew it looks bad, but she doesn't care and she's happy as she is and she doesn't need my advice.She also said apparently she was drunk.

Three months later. C posts on some other thread that the offensive words don't help even if they are used behind the shield of pms, mood swings or other such. I see this as an opportunity to apologize to C (remember I am NOT thinking about A, because I am NOT a part of their personal war, whatever it is, I care not!!!). so, I admit to C on the same post that I agree it's bad to call names, I called someone a similar name and I regret it now (I mention none of the parties involved)

A thinks I am cruel. WOW!!! Thinks I'm not a friend, I don't support, I am picking on her and shattering to pieces (she seems to be having lots of issues with other common acquaintances/friends as well)


Now my perspective,

  1. I take people at face value. Unfortunately for me, I expect the same.
  2. The fundamental value system I hold is - I avoid poking my nose into who does what with whom? who sleeps around with whom? who is marrying whom, unless I am invited to OR unless all parties are common friends and tell me themselves about it. Summary - I don't like, understand or participate in typical gossip. Friendly banter is different however.
  3. When I first got involved in the feud, I was completely unaware of it being a personal attack, but it was however taken by me in a completely different context. A WAS AWARE of this. But she didn't play the friend and/or reproach me then. Rather she manipulated me.
  4. Had I known it was a personal attack, I'd run miles away from it, till the related people settled it among themselves.
  5. When I came to know the reality, it was too late to apologize, because I couldn't figure out how to do it to C.
  6. I told A clearly it wasn't the right thing to do and she chose to overrule how I felt.
  7. At my opportunity, when I apologized publicly for the mistake that I had made, without absolutely any reference - A feels offended and questions not only my fundamental integrity but also my friendship and support.

Here's what support means to me:
  • It is unbiased.
  • It has to be justified in my eyes.
  • It has to be in a manner that it doesn't hurt people.
  • Support does NOT equate to taking sides in inter-personal conflicts of a personal nature.
Apparently, A doesn't understand this. But I am not going to let her play with my guilt conscious. I am still A's friend. I DO wish her good from the deepest of my heart. BUT, I a not someone who'd compromise on my personal value system for the sake of a friend who chooses to manipulate me for her own reasons and then play with my guilt when she's at the disadvantage.

Between friends and personal integrity, I make a choice to choose the latter and accept the consequences. And I might *feel* guilty about it, but I'm not going to give in to the guilt.

I wish you understood me better A.

© anu (Exploring Myself)


  1. Wow, complicated!

    However, I think you really are exploring your ideas, fantasies and yourself, frankly, honestly.....besides I think you are really brave to share it on a public blog.

    My take - you are at the initial stage here. You acknowledge and accept your thoughts, even desires no matter how 'unacceptable' socially.

    This is as against brushing them under the carpet and procrastinating. Your next level would be to move on to figuring them out and getting to know your self better, improving yourself. I wish you all the best - hope you make it :-) Good Luck and all the every best! Cheers

  2. Wow! A-B-C-D, Phew!

    It is lovely that you are blogging your thoughts out loud. It is even more admirable that you are able to first recognize, accept and admit to the feelings that you are going through.

    Stage one, the next one is easier - which is that you know where to start, to plan to improve your self...........All the very best and - Well Done. Cheers! :-)

  3. In my opinion, A is a vengeful manipulative person. If I were in your place, I'd have kicked her out of my friend circle a long time ago. It takes alot to keep such friends happy


Your place to share your thoughts about this....