Really?

Is it true that You were once alone?

Is it true that once You were lost in Your painful groan?

I wonder...

I always thought it was only me,

Who was lonely and alone.

I had always wished,

I'd have a companion,

And, I later realized,

I couldn't have.... even the least minion.

I don't know what I'm actually speaking,

For though it sounds like my mind,

It's more of my own musings to myself.

And this isn't a sane state.

I wish I was wither fully sane,

Or else...

Completely insane.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Slow Poisoning

I am poisoning myself slowly. Now, you don't have to be surprised or shocked at it:) We all do it all the time. And no! I'm not talking about poisoning by medicines, or by pollution, am talking of slow poisoning by negativity and unhappiness.

I will not crib about what I want and what I don't have. But I cannot right now even feel great about doing nothing and being unable to change circumstances. I do not know how to handle my cravings and I do not trust anyone around me.

I'm letting myself get numb and am sitting at home, not wanting to do anything. Perhaps, I could keep sleeping all day long, if over sleeping wouldn't cause a headache. I could keep singing all the day and forget about the damn world, if it were possible. But it JUST doesn't work.

What rather works is NOTHING. And I don't know how to get it. I can't satisfy make anyone happy, including myself. I am not happy with the choices I have to make, and those that I am presented with, because there are people whom I value and I feel suffocated. This includes not only family, but also some very very close friends. Some people whom I would perhaps do anything for. They do not understand that I need a break from studies. I wish to quit studying.

But, right now..... I'm numb. I do nothing but waste days, one after the other and another. I am exasperated with myself. May be I need to ease up a bit on myself, may be I need to befriend myself a little, but I just can't. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN DAMN IT !

But may be, this is what destiny's all about.

I wish I could push away MA/MBA/Any sort of study away from me, and just earn and be happy. Earn a few thousand bucks, let myself enjoy small pleasures and luxuries of life, and then after a year or two perhaps, when I feel suffocated with that again, return back to studies. People will never understand.

They simply can't :) No matter, how much good they wish me, no matter how much close they are to me. This is one dark secret, that they won't understand even after knowing it :)

But I know Lord,

If no one does,

and when no one does.

You will.

Help me sustain Lord!

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)