Violence

I usually dwindle between my violent and silent nature, and it's only after I let myself free to a great extent that my violent side would come out, or after repressing my free self for too long. I realized violence is in action, in words, in thoughts and even in music.

I have watched the movie "Rockstar" for around 10 times selectively, twice and rest of the times, in parts. While on one hand I like Jordan's honest confession of his being unable to understand and appeciate classical music, I also like his violent expression of frustration in 'Saada Haq'. At the same time I like the observant nature that Shammi Kapoor has at Hazrat Nizamuddin and the simplicity with which he admits of Ranbir being a bigger animal than Piyush Mishra cn hold in his cage.

I liked the way the song 'Faya Kun' has been picturized at the Dargah and the way Shammi and Ranbir shoot at the symphony.

I like the pain that the song 'Nadaan Parinde depicts'. The desire to fly back home, the desire to get rid of the loneliness, the desire to have the eyes left from predators, so that they can still witness the return of the beloved.

I feel my desire to return home, resonating with that of the song. I feel the frustration of being unable to fulfill that desire. I feel the frustration of being a wanderer. I also wish I was more rational, when I finally let my emotional self let go.

I can't think logical at times. I regret being over rational and logical at other times. I wish I was more of someone who was at least sometimes at peace with herself. Perhaps Sandeep is right, I am at a war with myself and I have a lot of anger that I need to let go of.

I wish I could forgive myself at times, just let go of myself and be at peace with myself for who I am; emotional, sensitive, paradoxical, impulsive and at the same time compassionate and responsible. I wish I was not forced and did not let myself be forced to become that which I am not.

Lord,

Let all of us be who we are,
and yet,
accept us for who we are.

Help us stay away from,
being violent to ourselves and others.

Help us love ourselves, just as you love us.

Amen.

Getting back in a habit

So, ages later when you finally come to your blog link again, it's difficult to write in a sync. I have a writers' block these days. I'm trying to overcome it. The easiest way I find is to start writing as a routine, even if two lines a day. Once I get into the habit again, I guess my thoughts also would start flowing past the bottleneck.

At this moment all I want to do stay stay off alc. somehow. It's not like I drink regularly or daily, any longer. I had started to do so for almost 10 days till a fortnight ago. But thanks to my support systems, my friends pulled me out of it. I took a sacred vow, ended up breaking it once, but at least it's helping me stay in control.

I am a survivor,, I will get past this. I know this :) And when I say I am a survivor, it doesn't mean 'I' as 'I'. It means, all extensions of 'I' including family, friends, upbringing, support. EVERYTHING.

Lord,

I thank Thee for the blessings you gave me.

Not often do I count them,

But I know without them I wouldn't sustain.

Bless all Your children,

with what You deem fit,

and lead them to sustenance with gratitude.

Make us humble Lord,

Amen!

© Anu (Exploring Myself)

Finally Back

After a long gap of almost a year, here I return!!! Life took away the better of me. I changed jobs, went through shit in life, on family front, personal, professional.

But, without boasting, as I've said many times, I'm a survivor!!! I survived and managed.

I managed depression, I managed alcohol abuse, I managed job changes. I am slowly getting back to healthy habits emotionally as well as psychologically too.

I'll start posting regularly I hope.

Till then,

Regards and thanks to all people who stuck by me.