Loneliness: need family

I know what a responsible, educated young woman.... or rather young lady means. But, the fact is I seek to have a family of my own. I wish I wouldn't have to worry about any sort of contributions, any sort of responsibility, and any sort of maturities.

Sometimes I think... Is money this important ? And, then I look at various examples of peopl and their lives all around me, to think that money IS definitely important. But there's something more important than that! Which is the sense of belonging. And we can't generate this sense of belonging. It has to come from within. I can very well imagine that I belong to some place, some people, a family or a group of friedns. But, the fact is that I still am lonely.... utterly, absolutely Lonely!

This sort of loneliness exists when the expectations in a relationship are higher than can be fulfilled or satisfied. Also, this sort of loneliness is there when we try to convince ourselves about the fake realities. Or, may be this is JUST my problem and nothing generic. Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, over the years, I have begun believing that this world is temporary, while soul is eternal, and hence I need things that are permanent too, and not those that are transient. Things and people or relationships, all mortal, wouldn't be able to satisfy me as something eternal would.

And yet, seeking eternal love or an eternal relationship, right from heaven, doesn't seem/isn't possible. Rather what seems possible is just being lonely and dead. Or else, to suffer amidst the numerous relationships across different births.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't spiritual or even aware of the word spirituality. Specially when the desires of flesh overwhelm me. To avoid/pacify these desires, I've tried...........what not? Relationships (rather the idea of being in relationships), friendships, family relations, ergomania, literature, hobbies, meditation, going out and culture and what not!!
The result?
Nothing seems to work!
Reason?
They too aren't permanent!

Now the crux of the problem is that I need things and people who'd stay longer than any thing, and I get what's just momentary. So what should I do? Should I become a renunciate? NO, because I'm submissive but not 'that' submissive. I've never been able to submit my soul to any rituals, practices or anything except the true force of this universe. The cause behind all causes. The "Sarva-kaaran-kaaranam" ! In different forms, shapes, with different names and what not.

I need God........ but the trouble is.. I need Him in the human form, something of my personal incarnation. I do not need anything less than a Master. But a Master, not of my flesh or mind alone. A Master, who would guide my soul on its path, and yet accept that He doesn't own my soul. I sometimes think I need a spiritual Master. But, the trouble is that I can't be bound to a hard and fast set of rituals and practices. And that also, I CANNOT DENY the desires of flesh. I can definitely subside it to some extent, and to suppress it when important, but I cannot JUST forget them.

Solution......... get married? Yes perhaps, but then the duties and the obligations call!
I wish I could just let my mind not think about any of this stuff, and let my destiny shape what I desired.

Lord,
You who have given me the mouth,
Are One who feeds me!
And I ?
I desire things different than those You give me.
Help me desire only which I deserve Lord,
and grant me that I deserve, if so You please.
Amen!

©anu (Exploring Myself)