Today's tentative plan:

It's 8.30 right now:

1. So, move to work, be free by 12
2. Go to bank to sort out yesterday's withdrawal goof up and deposit balance to go back to the above penalty limit (who asked me to withdraw an extra zero dammit)
3. Be back by 1p.
4. Sit down to study Wordsworth
5. Study till 6
6. At 6 if pc free, post the summary of the two new books read in the reading journal. Otherwise, do some teaching/training module formation.
7. Work till when the pc is free. If it takes longer than 8, then get back to doing some vocabulary/Reading Comprehension.
8. Sleep last by 11 as against yesterday of 2a.

And now.... get going!!!

Some thoughts

I have been thinking about the following possibilities:

1. Going all solitary (recluse and renunciate)

2. Quitting all jobs and going to the typical study mode

3. Getting married and quitting all other crap.

4. Doing a job, with an OK-ish MA

5. To prepare for and write CAT again and write MA simultaneously.

Not planning for MA/CAT/Job/part-time MBA(again) etc together. I know I fucked up last year. Don't wanna fuck up that bad again :)

Surprised? Me using F*** words?

Oh sometimes a Lady must let her hair down :)

Ye Daulat Shohrat Kya karni.....

What will I do with this material wealth, your love is enough. I do not need these palatial houses, am happy with the small place I have in your heart.

I swear in your name my beloved, you're my honour and life. I survive because of you, You're my jaan (knowledge and life) as well as my ignorance. I do not know these bills, notes, coins, money, I am happy with your sight, my greatest wealth.

Love, is the highest virtue in this world, and nothing exceeds it. The money also makes someone cry when he loves it, or else no one would weep at losses. I do not need these luxuries, these fine pleasures of life, I'm content with the support that your love provides.

I've been thinking about this restlessly. I know, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Why? I know that too, but will I be able to accept those reasons. Will I be able to accept the fact that I cannot go for the spiritual retreat. Will I be able to accept that what I need, want, desire, get are all different and the differences are vast? I doubt.

I was actually cribby and weepy when I started hearing this song. And, I ended up listening to Kailas Kher, and then realising that it's love, that's the primal need of a human being. It's love that is the cause of all bliss as well as misery.

Sometimes, it's lust that apparently portrays itself as love. Sometimes, it's just plain desire and nothing else.

I am not sure of what I'm actually writing. But the fact that I'mm trying to quit my addiction of some things (some places, some friends, some people et al), makes things tough for me.

I had called some people friends, and was ditched, and tossed away, to realize that I had always been correct in the past. There are NO friends. Yes, I do have EXCEPTIONS in my life :) Thankfully, there are people who're exceptions to the lot. But, may be this is too soon to say this :(

Right now, the only concern is that I cannot sleep :(

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

King Tut's beard

Ok people,

I'm always blamed to be one who has zero sense of humour. So, to make me humorous, a friend of mine, gave me a nonsense topic to write some 15 lines about it, a nonsense verse, without using words starting with letters M, T, R. But like You know....I take nonsense seriously too :P

So, here it is Ladies and Gentlemen: Trum pa Pum pa Trum pa pum pa trum pa pum pa pum!!!

King Tut's Beard!!!!!

King Tut's beard was infested with lice.

But, he wouldn't hear anyone's advice.

He found it fashionable,

and had heard in a fable,

he who wears lice, never ever dies.

His queen, born of a French and a Swiss.

Ended up aghast after every kiss.

His kids kept away,

His courtiers wouldn't stay,

But he never perceived anything was amiss.

At ceremonies kingly, His beard He scratched.

His neighbouring kings always found him wretched.

Lice infesting further his hair,

dropping from his beard everywhere,

and in all hatcheries, only lice eggs hatched.

A powerful king *Strut* visited his state.

Disappointed when he anticipated the state's fate.

He swore an oath,

ensuring people's growth.

And waged a war against Tut's state.

Tut and Strut stood face to face,

Strut with a sword, unsheathing it with grace.

Tut didn't bother,

Not once did he smother.

Calm and cool, He just scratched His face.

Swarms and swarms of His beard's lice.

Held Strut's army like iron in the vice.

With faces whitened,

the enemy was frightened

never had they seen such a strategic device.

Hen in an iron grip by Tut's beard's lice.

With his life, Strut had to pay the price.

Nobody could ever defeat Tut,

None could once unseat Tut,

All because King tut's bear was infested with lice.

Trum pa Pum pa Trum pa pum pa trum pa pum pa pum!!!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Accepted

Today, I watched a movie Accepted.... A wonderful movie, talking about the rejection of kids from the colleges they apply, their desperation, their parents playing safe and ruling over. A student who's flustered and gets frustrated by the pressure and the disappointment of His parents, goes ahead, makes a fake website and gets a print for His admission to a fake college. Given the check towards the fee, He gets a building on lease, renovates it with His friends, and even goes ahead to find a fake dean for the college, who pretends to be a Dean when the kid's parents want to meet him.

The Hampton college administration gets against them for the heck of land and for the very reason they're proud of their ancestry...REJECTION.

And in the midst of all this, a kid who'd been admitted to the Hampton college is and is abused, mocked, humiliated, ragged and beaten as a newbie, applied for the accreditation of this fake institute to be a real one.

Through a series of dramatic speech following the rejecting looks on the education ministers' faces etc. The college gets an accreditation for a probationary period of a year.

Why am I rambling?

Because I felt myself alive again. I am alive. I realize why did I choose to drop, why did I waste 4 so called prestigious years, why did I choose arts? why did I write CAT when I didn't want to do MBA? Why didn't I take admission into MBA after securing 94.62%?Why did I drop another year?

I Damn realized all that!!! Because I don't care whether I get ACCEPTED or not!!!

I do not give a damn about whether the so called social norms find me capable enough of being successful, for I am and I exist, exactly as I am. The four years I dropped, I learnt. Every passing day taught me, what endless number of my peers do not know even today at 26. It taught me who and why and what humans are. It taught me to accept failure. And not as a failure, but as pride.

It taught me knowledge for the sake of knowledge. It taught me, learning was a NEVER ENDING process. It taught me that people who simply conform to rules, generally do nothing else. Just that. Confirm to rules.Period.

Today for the first time, I realized I accept myself as who I am. A person with my creativity, with my passion, with my love to be and embrace who I am, a writer at heart, a teacher by choice, not by force.I today realize that the day I start teaching full time,I'd be doing it because I love it, not because it fetches me bread and butter. I realized, I'd be one of those few people who love their jobs:)

I realised, that I write not because my parents, teachers or my bread and butter ask me to, but because I love doing it.

I realised to be successful I need not an assortment of high degrees, but my self, my true self and my true commitment. And to be that, to have that, to relive it every moment of my life. I accept who I am.

Not exceptional, may be. Not average either may be. Disoriented may be. But I'm sure I'm not brainwashed. I'm sure I'm, not just another track follower. If I disappear and get lost, I'd be remembered as a lost cause. If I succeed, I'd be remembered as an ivory tower may be. But definitely I'll not be just one of those 100000s who get up, go to work, come back, eat and sleep and then follow the same schedule the other day :)

Today, I'm really proud of being who I am. Today I really feel accepted, truly accepted by me:)

QS, Friend, Your food for thought, followed by the movie has brought a change I had never expected and wouldn't have ever expected. Thanks.

Love and regards,

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Sleepless

Am sleepless today.... very sleepless. Why? I'm trying to relive every moment of my past, in this limited time that I have. I am trying to travel the speed of thought, even faster than that of light.

I am sleepless for I think,

I am sleepless for I feel,

I'm sleepless because when trouble comes,

I don't take off to my heels.

I try to love,

I try to feel.

I end up hurting,

though I try to heal.

Lord, make me travel the paths of love,

Lord make me travel the paths of peace.

Lord, take me in Your shelter,

whole, or else, piece by piece.

I am who I am,

let me accept that O Lord!
Without a guilt, remorse or weakness,

give me the courage to accept.

To not make it a shield,

against my shortcomings,

and to not boast of,

The success in appearance.

Lord, enable me to accept,

that You made me.

And something You made,

may not be so good,

but is never bad.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Updates

Of late, I've been trying to sort out a lot of things in life. I'm trying to straighten out my priorities, thoughts and everything else. Quitting the current job, relocation preferences, struggle and difference between job and studies, and wanting to do both and equally well, is a big time confusion :(

I am of a mould, who cannot even work with inefficiency. If that be the case, I'd rather not work. Perhaps the problem of perfection !!!

But anyways, right now, I'm struggling trying to work out job, study, duties to family and a prospective relationship. Sometimes, I feel, I'm a misanthrope. And sometimes, I feel so unsocial. I wish no one was around me.

But, may be what appears isn't what exists and vice-versa.

Lord help me choose the right path.

yay!!!!!!

I had NEVER expected this........

CAT 94.62

English 97.45

vo voooo

Love

This can change my life wonderfully !!! And, am sure, it WILL make some people happy for sure.

Thank You Lord

IRC.........

IRC......

My distraction again!! Hope this works this time. Reinstalled, but will not be able to make out any time, not till exams.

Yes!!!!

Deleted the biggest distraction of my life....... IRC!!!

I'm sure this time, I wouldn't be returning, not at least for next 2 years at least, and probably never after. Because, till exams, it's a punishable restriction. After exams, I am planning to relocate for a long duration, and then..... who knows :D

Lord,

Now, that You've finally set me on the right path,

give me strength to keep following it :)

Amen!

Altered Timetable

7a Wake up, daily cleanliness, chores, mild exercise.

8a Chanting/Meditation, Breakfast

9a Study

1p Lunch

2p Study

8p Dinner

8.30p On-line Mails

9p Blog

10p Study

12a Sleep

Restrictions:

No IRC

No on-line period except allotted.

No wandering around in places or people, where I cannot control my emotions.

No skipping on meditation, exercise, sleep, eating or study.

Rewards:
Successful attempt for a day - a new pen/notebook

Successful attempt for a week - a due personal grooming and pampering session at a beauty saloon, after exams (to be awarded in successive months)
Successful attempt till exams - Result will show!
If the result is above the required percentage - Party!!!!

Punishments:
Successive failure for one day - ginger and no on-line time for all the rest of the days, till the backlog is complete.

Target: Required percentage.

Schedule begins: 28th Feb, 2010 7 a

Schedule ends: 7th April, 2010 7p.

Good luck to myself :) *hugs myself tightly*.

Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Exam Dates

22nd March

27th March

1st April

7th April.

Tentative Exam Date

Around 18th March.

Latest target : 2 books a day

5 Hours per book

And complete study, with 60:40 pattern.

tentative schedule till exams

4-5 a Meditation and chanting

5-6 a Exercise and washing/teeth brushing etc.

6-8 a, Online
8- 8.30 a Break Fast

8.30a - 12.30p, study(with a 15 minutes break in between)

12:30 - 1 p, phone calls, , lunch in reverse order

1 - 5 p Study (with a 15 minutes break in between)

5 - 5.30 p evening snack

6-8 p study

8.-8.30p Dinner and brush and getting ready for sleep etc.

8.30p-10.00 study

10p sleep

Target Due : 25th Feb

• Drama:
• Shakespeare - King Lear, Julius Ceaser
• Marlowe - Dr. Faustus
• Webster - The Duchess of Malfi
• Congreve - The Way of The World
• Sheridan - The Rivals
• Shaw - St. Joan
• Oscar Wilde - The importance of being Earnest
• Eliot - Murder in The Cathedral
• Osborne - Look Back in Anger

2 per day and half an hour of grammar

Back to some serious work

Hm.... I did what I was craving for.... logging into my various profiles, doing what I thought, I was missing, and reading and pondering on different things.... And realized.... I need to work now. For various reasons, about which I'll think some other day.

Right now..... To work.

Here's the syllabus to be covered:

Poetry:

• Chaucer - From Prologue to the Canterbury tales
• Donne - The Flea, The Good morrow, A Valediction,: Forbidding Mourning, Holy Sonnet: Batter my heart, Canonization.
• Marvell - To His Coy Mistress
• Herbert - Affliction, The Collar
• Milton - Paradise Lost - Book 1 and 2
• Dryden - Absalom and Acitophel
• Pope - Rape of the lock
• William Cowper - Castaway
• Wordsworth - Ode to Immortality, Tintern Abbey
• Coleridge - Dejection:an Ode, Kubla Khan
• Byron - The vision of Judgement
• Shelley - Ode to The west wind, Stanzas written in Dejection, Ozymandias
• Keats - Odes to : - nightingale, grecian urn, autumn, psyche, indolence, melancholy.

Prose :

• Bacon's Essays : - Of Truth, ADversity, love, envy, marriage and single life, simulation ad dissimulation, revenge
• Addison:- The Tombs in westminster Abbey, Sunday in the Country, The Exercise of the Fan.
• Swift : - Battle of Books
• Hazlitt:- Indian Jugglers, On familiar Style, On the fear of Death.
• John Ruskin : -Unto the Last
• Mill:- On Libety
• Defoe - Moll Flanders
• Goldsmith - The Vicar of Wakefield
• Jane Austen-Mansfield Park
• Thackeray - Vanity Fair
• Emily Bronte - Wuthering Heights
• G.Eliot - Middlemarch

Drama:

• Shakespeare - King Lear, Julius Ceaser
• Marlowe - Dr. Faustus
• Webster - The Duchess of Malfi
• Congreve - The Way of The World
• Sheridan - The Rivals
• Shaw - St. Joan
• Oscar Wilde - The importance of being Earnest
• Eliot - Murder in The Cathedral
• Osborne - Look Back in Anger

Grammar:

• Determiners
• Tense, Aspect, Voice
• One word substitutions
• Synonyms, Homonyms, Antonyms
• Phrasal Verbs
• Idioms
• Concepts and Notions
• Comprehension
• Precis Writing
• Report Writing
• Letter Writing - Business, Formal, Informal, Art of Public Speaking, Personality Development
• Literary Appreciation
• Writing for Radio, TV, Mass and Print Media

Now...... This is what I have to study and I have supposedly 30 days flat (Date sheet will come in a week-15 days). Now, I will start posting, as I keep covering the topics.

Prayer

Lord,

Help me trust !!!
Those, who really care about me.
They might not be my friends, guardians, mentors or might not share a close relationship with me.
But,
They care nonetheless.

Save me from the delusions,
the confusion,
and, most importatly...
The diversions.

I come to You...

The all powerful!!
The Omnipresent, Omnipotent!
for the most humble surrender I can offer Lord.

With my shortcomings,
Any one may/may not,
but You will...
accept me!

I know :)

To Your shelter.

Hoping to stay...
Irrespective..
of my surrender.
within my own sweetness,
and within Your Mastery,
of all You've made.
Strong and firm,
Loving and not yet weak Lord.

This I seek in Your Name O Lord!

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Life isn't easy

Life sucks!!! At times it does.... Especially when one's been trying hard to work around things and to prevent negativity from entering oneself :(

I have been trying hard to cope with my studies and my job and my personal life. The few things that I seek in life are :

1. A healthy relationship (This is of primary importance, since I'm by nature more of a 'heart' person.)
2. A settlement in career (This means a permanent and a stable career choice and not just a part-time option).
3. Some friends and my family, which would knit a support circle, as the above two are likely to take me into depression time and again:(

I am supposed to take some tough and difficult decision again.... I do not know how will I sustain.

Lord,

Help me sustain.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

New Year

Nothing to do about it from my end.......... I am the least bothered. Got over with a lot of new things and evaluated the way last year went.... Most of it ws fine, except a bit of involvement with things and people, I shouldn't have interacted with in the first place :(

Otherwise, it was a creative, and constructive new year, busy with forums, music, study, even a bit of gymming.....Also, one that finally ended up in the wrapping and closing down of all my extra reading. I've packed up all extra reading books in a carton and hidden them, so as to remove the distraction from study.

The next thing that needs to be done, is the telephone. And the third would be internet (Internet however, has been on a real low since last week).

Honestly, to me the arrival of a new year doesn't really matter much, rather, I'm bothered in the least. But, this time, I had to listen to it's knocking... for various reasons.

I have something to do with one year left at my disposal
I have to achieve certain emotional and psychological and personal goals for my self too.
I also have to set, these short term personal goals, in the long term, larger picture :)

I wish I could make that happen, and I know, I'll try my level best to make that happen.

For now, I start heavy posting based on my study, today onwards :|

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Targets for Today: 28.12.09 - 29.12.09

Personal Study:
Marvell (summarize),
Herbert(summarize),
Jane Austen(Mansfield Park),
Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights)

Study for tomorrow's Class :
Handouts 41/42

Study for Extra Teaching day after tomorrow:
XAT papers,
Three Chapters (Word Power made easy)
Two Chapters (Grammer)

GD/PI:
Internet,
Education System
Exams: A necessary Evil

Essays:
Day 1
Day 2

Time: 30 hours

Lessons in Life

Often, I wonder, how life teaches us so many lessons through things and events.... both small and large... It in fact, can also be something like, not looking down while walking and just slipping off, or something as grave as a failed marriage.... Life anyhow, always teaches one every time.

I also, wonder how Kahlil Gibran, Kabir and all those of the like, could accept the teachings of life so simply.... But then, isn't the question just ridiculous in itself?

They could do so, because they were who they were.... Liberated, loving souls.... Souls who had realized their purposes in life.... Souls who had.......... I don't know what !!! I'm puzzled :(

Love,

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Delhi............... I'm coming

Off to Delhi, Saturday night, back on Monday morning Lol:)
I wish out of my excitement, from the bus I may not fall :))

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Disclaimer :

Whatever kink, fantasy I might talk about, is not o be attributed to me as a person.... I write about them, since I find them thought provoking.

Regards,
©anu (Exploring Myself)