On 28.10.08 : Pleading for Help to God !

I feel like writing something today. Hindi is getting tough and tough for me to write now. I fail when I try to write in Hindi. The hands start aching and the sentence length is reducing day - by - day. Sometimes, i feel frustrated because my thoughts are always, racing, and sometimes because the hand is slow. Also, for past 6 years, I haven't used Hindi at all, so that becomes even tougher. I want to write a lot and like anything, but the thought process is so speedy, racing and then gets disoriented eventually, if not expressed as swiftly as it comes................. (All this, had been written in Hindi)

(The following portion was written in English Originally)

I know I want to write, about a lot of things. There is a lot of thought process boiling and bubbling in my mind. I wish to accept within my self that I'm happy without certain things in life. I'm sad mainly because their substitutes aren't available. Something to keep me always busy is very very necessary. However, my bipolar makes everything tough. At times I can be racing and hypermaniac, looking for all sorts of activities, i can decently indulge in, and at others, i seek none.

I know I am postponing my thought process. I know I try to block my thoughts, so that people don't think I'm mad or 'a gone case'. But, eventually I fail, since they start taking a heavy toll on me. 10 days more, and i'll be all tears, all depression, exhaustion and sadness (p.s. now I know it happened exactly as i predicted, and i wish i could have done something to avoid that situation)

Perhaps a journal keeping shall help., as that would reduce my thought preessure allowing it to be released and vent out before it becomes explosively overwhelming.

Life these days is excessively upsetting and on a roller coaster, and equally disoriented is my mind. I know I don't need to be organised while writing my journals and I know I can have a free expression, and yell at my notebook, scream at it, and be free as i want. But perhaps, life doesn't allow me even that much luxury.

(My note book has the following 2-3 sentences in Bold, Large sized letter, large enough to occupy, Two pages)

I need literature, music, meditation, singing, some physical activity perhaps dance. I know I don't need crap! Help me God! Help me please!!! I need peace within, harmony within.

Whom am I trying to convince? Again, my self - denying stupid, self. But I need to learn what should (not want) to deny and what not. I need to learn when, whom and why to deny.

I read some where that self justification is next to self - pity, and I always self - justify myself, since I am taught that. I need to grow, to spread my winds, be fearless, and explore whatever I want to. Why hesitate?

There are things that I can't deny or change, and there are others which I can. Just, that I feel the lack of will, and loneliness extreme. But, does seeking companionship mean, I'll seek anything that comes across? any crap? any stuff? No, I won't do that. I refuse to do so. I'll learn very very tough though it may be. I WILL convince myself.

Help Me God!!! Help me please!!! I need Your mercy God!!! Help Me!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

On 26.10.08

There will be a few posts that are back dated, since i had written them on paper, due to various time constraints, technical and cultural glitches like festival time etc. I am writing them in back date, rather just copying them out from notes to the Blog.

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Read literature after many days today. literature means fiction at this moment. Agyey - Shekhar ek Jivani (Shekhar - A biography written by Agyeya). I found only one volume of the two. read what I found, and it was lovely. it wasn't just interesting. It was more close to my heart. I find it easy to corelate to such literature. Some people say, that one must keep an interest as only a hobby and not convert it to a need. and I feel that if someone isn't interested in the very basis of their life, and the needs aren't enjoyable when fulfilled, why live at all?

For past few days i have been thinking what is the basis of my personality? What are my likes and dislikes, and preferences, and priorities.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Another depressive Bout: heavy very heavy

Pre Script: this is a blog entry less about my thoughts and more about my feelings.

One of my best friends is getting married. First in 'my' circle. or rather so called 'my'. did I ever really have friends? i doubt. is it that I tend to cling to people and relationships? no, I grow out of them at the right time. She had started being unresponsive for past one year or rather more. So, i also eventually stopped calling. I thought she didn't want me to call her. Today she returned, more intense than ever. as a Friend who had really missed me.

She is getting married, but, why am i upset about it. I am happy, yes that's true. She is moving on to the next phase in her life, and its both Joyful, and important for her. and yet, I'm slightly upset, because i will be left even more lonely.

brother needs the PC, so would have to get up now. I know my thought process would be lost, but i will have to entertain it. I will write another entry after the right time. No point saving this entry and editing it later and stuff.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Conditiong.......... contd....part 2

Fair v/s Foul: Often, the Religious cults and sects would deny the fact that they brainwash their followers. The standpoint is always of freewill.”They follow us since they feel its right, and of course by the books it is”.
On the other hand, the lifestyle followers of kinky fantasies put forth their explanations of desires of Human nature, human libidos and the fact, that dark is as good as bright and equal, so long it doesn’t affect others.

But, what I often wonder about is that how many of these so-called “followers” really know the truth of what they are following. The so-called “freewill”, is it really free? How many of these followers acknowledge the difficulties they faced to get accustomed to this certain sect or lifestyle that they now follow? Do they really remember, how many tears have they shed? How many forced smiles have they put on before they really started believing that this IS their smile? I doubt if many do.

I am not here to criticize any sect/lifestyle/fantasy or kink. I am not here to justify or blame any individual’s choices. That is not for me to do. However, as a free individual I am here pondering on what makes us follow whatever we follow. I feel, as soon as one is born in a family, they ARE conditioned. They are conditioned, in the mother’s womb, outside it, within the family, out in the society, everywhere. We are bound to be conditioned. The question is why? And the next question is How to get rid of this conditioning?

Why and How: The question of Why and How requires both scientific and philosophical logic. Scientific logic would be required to understand the psychology and the functioning of Human mind, and the variations observable for the same. At the same time, Philosophical Logic is required to understand the effect of various kinds of convincing and conditionings given to those targets/victims/followers, which require more of mental conditioning and logical convincing. Also, Philosophical Logic and understanding of ethics would play a vital role in understanding cultural and religious brainwash.

Both the questions can be correctly answered only by the combination of the two aspects of reasoning.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Conditioning of Human Mind: Slavery to a preconceived idea or life style.

Various Forms: Sexual and Domestic Slavery, Love, Religion, Fictional/Alternative Lifestyle, Social Customs.


Means and Methods: Physical Force, Mental Breakdown, Philosophical Justifications, Cultural excuses, Financial attractions, Emotional Conditioning, Attack on the defense system by bringing the target in the mode of struggle for survival (rather, surrender for survival).
It can be clearly observed that different means are used in different kind of conditionings. It is emotional in case of love, where the victim is convinced that she/he is loved, and used to the lover’s advantages. It is philosophical justification in most forms of Religious Schools. Financial attractions may be the tool used in case of Domestic and sexual slavery. Physical force, brutality and exploitation of fear of existence and, the well being of one’s loved beings, has been an eternally used tool. A combination of 2 or more factors may often be observed in different kinds of conditioning.

Mechanism of Brainwash: The mechanism of Brainwash is different for different victims/targets and different goals to be attained. It also varies from predator to predator. It also depends on how easy or tough is the target. This is indicated by the extent of brutality/convincing used to make one succumb to the conditioned thought pattern. I have heard many BDSM lifestylers often say, that Dominance and Submission is in the mind. So, the simplest explanation of the mechanism of Human mind conditioning would be to convince that what the target/follower/victim is doing is right, and that they ought to do it. This may happen by any of the modes and means mentioned above.

need, want, desire, luxury

heh another interesting topic:

just a short note or a prescript before i write: these days my thoughts are very disoriented, a lot is going on in both real life both family as well as personal. So many of these blogs are subjects to changes and updates later. So, now I shoot! :) (sounding over chirpy? he he !)

I started this post months ago, and today when I complete this, I am no more in a similar thought process or frame of mind. I had wanted to elaborate, self evaluate and express my ideas about these subjects.......... But perhaps nothing matters any more....... neither needs, nor desires, nor wants nor luxuries.

Need:

Want:

Desire:

Luxury:

©anu (Exploring Myself)