Updates

Of late, I've been trying to sort out a lot of things in life. I'm trying to straighten out my priorities, thoughts and everything else. Quitting the current job, relocation preferences, struggle and difference between job and studies, and wanting to do both and equally well, is a big time confusion :(

I am of a mould, who cannot even work with inefficiency. If that be the case, I'd rather not work. Perhaps the problem of perfection !!!

But anyways, right now, I'm struggling trying to work out job, study, duties to family and a prospective relationship. Sometimes, I feel, I'm a misanthrope. And sometimes, I feel so unsocial. I wish no one was around me.

But, may be what appears isn't what exists and vice-versa.

Lord help me choose the right path.

yay!!!!!!

I had NEVER expected this........

CAT 94.62

English 97.45

vo voooo

Love

This can change my life wonderfully !!! And, am sure, it WILL make some people happy for sure.

Thank You Lord

IRC.........

IRC......

My distraction again!! Hope this works this time. Reinstalled, but will not be able to make out any time, not till exams.

Yes!!!!

Deleted the biggest distraction of my life....... IRC!!!

I'm sure this time, I wouldn't be returning, not at least for next 2 years at least, and probably never after. Because, till exams, it's a punishable restriction. After exams, I am planning to relocate for a long duration, and then..... who knows :D

Lord,

Now, that You've finally set me on the right path,

give me strength to keep following it :)

Amen!

Altered Timetable

7a Wake up, daily cleanliness, chores, mild exercise.

8a Chanting/Meditation, Breakfast

9a Study

1p Lunch

2p Study

8p Dinner

8.30p On-line Mails

9p Blog

10p Study

12a Sleep

Restrictions:

No IRC

No on-line period except allotted.

No wandering around in places or people, where I cannot control my emotions.

No skipping on meditation, exercise, sleep, eating or study.

Rewards:
Successful attempt for a day - a new pen/notebook

Successful attempt for a week - a due personal grooming and pampering session at a beauty saloon, after exams (to be awarded in successive months)
Successful attempt till exams - Result will show!
If the result is above the required percentage - Party!!!!

Punishments:
Successive failure for one day - ginger and no on-line time for all the rest of the days, till the backlog is complete.

Target: Required percentage.

Schedule begins: 28th Feb, 2010 7 a

Schedule ends: 7th April, 2010 7p.

Good luck to myself :) *hugs myself tightly*.

Some thoughts

Well, it seems, it's been long since I wrote something fruitful here. Perhaps the reason is that I've been way too busy doing other things and being at other places. May be I was once again taken back in by the cravings I had tried to curb strongly and deal with them forcefully.

What did I do, past two/three months? It's a long story. I explored around, again as usual, mentally. Alternative lifestyles, making on-line friends, meeting people, going out, travelling, studying, trying to study. But...... I realize now, that I had forgotten what I had been made to realize by 'That Super Power above'. I forgot that the true peace lies within. The true discipline is self-discipline, and there has to be trust to develop healthy relationships.

I had lost my capacity to trust. I had, after a bad emotional incident of severe pain, almost convinced myself that people are bad. However, in last few months, I met at least 2 people who aren't bad. They really aren't!!! Selfish, mean, demanding, etc.... may be yes. But bad...no!

I also realized, that just like at times, I cannot handle my emotions(most of the times in my personal life), perhaps people also cannot. Just like, I lose my temper in public also (though rarely in open, which I did today morning somewhere :( I wish I could have resisted.), people do so too. I can understand hurt, pain, mistake, apology, and even apologise. But, what I can't deal with is bitchiness. I do accept authority. But of those who have it. None else. Simple! Plain!

I have been in conflict with myself. Whilst my professional, real life, needs me to be demanding, controlling, dominant, my internal spirit craves to submit. Submission CANNOT come without trust. And somehow, my trust isn't returning. I do not know, if this is good or bad. I hope, this changes, not for me as a submissive person, but for me as a person.

Lord,

I've offended a few good people I've met on this journey.

Please give me the strength and the capacity to find happiness,

to grow and nurture and develop,

for am sure that is all they wanted to see in me,

when they appeared bad to me....

and....

when I resisted and reacted.

Lord,

I beg You to grant them more and more love and grace to spread,

just as they do,

and better people than me to care for.

However Lord,

I wish they do not leave me :(

Lord,

give me faith to explore within myself,

not beyond myself,

and to find,

the serene calm within me.

Help me stick to my decisions,

call me to my true calling,

whatever it is.

Also, most importantly Lord,

prevent me from hurting others,

no matter whether they are important to me or not,

though I cannot undo, what I've already did.

This strength and courage I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Ok...... so back to myself, I will now start devising out that structure I crave for, the discipline I seek, the effort I want to put in for someone else. I will submit to myself and my Lord henceforth. And, I apologise for anyone whom I might have hurt.

Good luck to me :)

I'm finally back to Your shelter!!! :)

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Exam Dates

22nd March

27th March

1st April

7th April.

Tentative Exam Date

Around 18th March.

Latest target : 2 books a day

5 Hours per book

And complete study, with 60:40 pattern.

tentative schedule till exams

4-5 a Meditation and chanting

5-6 a Exercise and washing/teeth brushing etc.

6-8 a, Online
8- 8.30 a Break Fast

8.30a - 12.30p, study(with a 15 minutes break in between)

12:30 - 1 p, phone calls, , lunch in reverse order

1 - 5 p Study (with a 15 minutes break in between)

5 - 5.30 p evening snack

6-8 p study

8.-8.30p Dinner and brush and getting ready for sleep etc.

8.30p-10.00 study

10p sleep

Target Due : 25th Feb

• Drama:
• Shakespeare - King Lear, Julius Ceaser
• Marlowe - Dr. Faustus
• Webster - The Duchess of Malfi
• Congreve - The Way of The World
• Sheridan - The Rivals
• Shaw - St. Joan
• Oscar Wilde - The importance of being Earnest
• Eliot - Murder in The Cathedral
• Osborne - Look Back in Anger

2 per day and half an hour of grammar

Back to some serious work

Hm.... I did what I was craving for.... logging into my various profiles, doing what I thought, I was missing, and reading and pondering on different things.... And realized.... I need to work now. For various reasons, about which I'll think some other day.

Right now..... To work.

Here's the syllabus to be covered:

Poetry:

• Chaucer - From Prologue to the Canterbury tales
• Donne - The Flea, The Good morrow, A Valediction,: Forbidding Mourning, Holy Sonnet: Batter my heart, Canonization.
• Marvell - To His Coy Mistress
• Herbert - Affliction, The Collar
• Milton - Paradise Lost - Book 1 and 2
• Dryden - Absalom and Acitophel
• Pope - Rape of the lock
• William Cowper - Castaway
• Wordsworth - Ode to Immortality, Tintern Abbey
• Coleridge - Dejection:an Ode, Kubla Khan
• Byron - The vision of Judgement
• Shelley - Ode to The west wind, Stanzas written in Dejection, Ozymandias
• Keats - Odes to : - nightingale, grecian urn, autumn, psyche, indolence, melancholy.

Prose :

• Bacon's Essays : - Of Truth, ADversity, love, envy, marriage and single life, simulation ad dissimulation, revenge
• Addison:- The Tombs in westminster Abbey, Sunday in the Country, The Exercise of the Fan.
• Swift : - Battle of Books
• Hazlitt:- Indian Jugglers, On familiar Style, On the fear of Death.
• John Ruskin : -Unto the Last
• Mill:- On Libety
• Defoe - Moll Flanders
• Goldsmith - The Vicar of Wakefield
• Jane Austen-Mansfield Park
• Thackeray - Vanity Fair
• Emily Bronte - Wuthering Heights
• G.Eliot - Middlemarch

Drama:

• Shakespeare - King Lear, Julius Ceaser
• Marlowe - Dr. Faustus
• Webster - The Duchess of Malfi
• Congreve - The Way of The World
• Sheridan - The Rivals
• Shaw - St. Joan
• Oscar Wilde - The importance of being Earnest
• Eliot - Murder in The Cathedral
• Osborne - Look Back in Anger

Grammar:

• Determiners
• Tense, Aspect, Voice
• One word substitutions
• Synonyms, Homonyms, Antonyms
• Phrasal Verbs
• Idioms
• Concepts and Notions
• Comprehension
• Precis Writing
• Report Writing
• Letter Writing - Business, Formal, Informal, Art of Public Speaking, Personality Development
• Literary Appreciation
• Writing for Radio, TV, Mass and Print Media

Now...... This is what I have to study and I have supposedly 30 days flat (Date sheet will come in a week-15 days). Now, I will start posting, as I keep covering the topics.

Prayer

Lord,

Help me trust !!!
Those, who really care about me.
They might not be my friends, guardians, mentors or might not share a close relationship with me.
But,
They care nonetheless.

Save me from the delusions,
the confusion,
and, most importatly...
The diversions.

I come to You...

The all powerful!!
The Omnipresent, Omnipotent!
for the most humble surrender I can offer Lord.

With my shortcomings,
Any one may/may not,
but You will...
accept me!

I know :)

To Your shelter.

Hoping to stay...
Irrespective..
of my surrender.
within my own sweetness,
and within Your Mastery,
of all You've made.
Strong and firm,
Loving and not yet weak Lord.

This I seek in Your Name O Lord!

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Life isn't easy

Life sucks!!! At times it does.... Especially when one's been trying hard to work around things and to prevent negativity from entering oneself :(

I have been trying hard to cope with my studies and my job and my personal life. The few things that I seek in life are :

1. A healthy relationship (This is of primary importance, since I'm by nature more of a 'heart' person.)
2. A settlement in career (This means a permanent and a stable career choice and not just a part-time option).
3. Some friends and my family, which would knit a support circle, as the above two are likely to take me into depression time and again:(

I am supposed to take some tough and difficult decision again.... I do not know how will I sustain.

Lord,

Help me sustain.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

New Year

Nothing to do about it from my end.......... I am the least bothered. Got over with a lot of new things and evaluated the way last year went.... Most of it ws fine, except a bit of involvement with things and people, I shouldn't have interacted with in the first place :(

Otherwise, it was a creative, and constructive new year, busy with forums, music, study, even a bit of gymming.....Also, one that finally ended up in the wrapping and closing down of all my extra reading. I've packed up all extra reading books in a carton and hidden them, so as to remove the distraction from study.

The next thing that needs to be done, is the telephone. And the third would be internet (Internet however, has been on a real low since last week).

Honestly, to me the arrival of a new year doesn't really matter much, rather, I'm bothered in the least. But, this time, I had to listen to it's knocking... for various reasons.

I have something to do with one year left at my disposal
I have to achieve certain emotional and psychological and personal goals for my self too.
I also have to set, these short term personal goals, in the long term, larger picture :)

I wish I could make that happen, and I know, I'll try my level best to make that happen.

For now, I start heavy posting based on my study, today onwards :|

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Targets for Today: 28.12.09 - 29.12.09

Personal Study:
Marvell (summarize),
Herbert(summarize),
Jane Austen(Mansfield Park),
Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights)

Study for tomorrow's Class :
Handouts 41/42

Study for Extra Teaching day after tomorrow:
XAT papers,
Three Chapters (Word Power made easy)
Two Chapters (Grammer)

GD/PI:
Internet,
Education System
Exams: A necessary Evil

Essays:
Day 1
Day 2

Time: 30 hours

Lessons in Life

Often, I wonder, how life teaches us so many lessons through things and events.... both small and large... It in fact, can also be something like, not looking down while walking and just slipping off, or something as grave as a failed marriage.... Life anyhow, always teaches one every time.

I also, wonder how Kahlil Gibran, Kabir and all those of the like, could accept the teachings of life so simply.... But then, isn't the question just ridiculous in itself?

They could do so, because they were who they were.... Liberated, loving souls.... Souls who had realized their purposes in life.... Souls who had.......... I don't know what !!! I'm puzzled :(

Love,

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Delhi............... I'm coming

Off to Delhi, Saturday night, back on Monday morning Lol:)
I wish out of my excitement, from the bus I may not fall :))

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Disclaimer :

Whatever kink, fantasy I might talk about, is not o be attributed to me as a person.... I write about them, since I find them thought provoking.

Regards,
©anu (Exploring Myself)

Spirtuality and Sexuality?

Interesting post I made elsewhere:

Spirituality, as understood by me, is being in harmony with your spiritual being... the quintessence of your personality and your real SELF. In the literal sense, it's about being in harmony with your spirit (some may call it soul), I prefer calling it spirit, since I still think that soul is sacrosanct ;)

So, back to what I was trying to think.... when one talks about one's spirituality, one is referring to the holistic nature of oneself:) Holistic as in the nature of self inclusive of mind, body, soul and heart !!

Now sexuality primarily has to do with the mind and the flesh. However, just like anything else, if You do not put your heart into it, it also fades down like almost all other things.... (most marriages that fade are a common example). However, something special about sexuality is the fact that at times, the bodily needs are so overwhelming that one might feel aroused even without a definite mental reason........ a possible reason for one night stands I guess(just a guess, I mean :) )

So, whilst sexuality is a carnal need in it's essence, we cannot deny the mental and the emotional aspects of it....

Now the question is..... what about the spirit?

Commonly speaking, many spiritual schools of thought believe that the soul(spirit) is encased in the body :) That means, to release the soul free there are two ways..... Either connect it to the space through the purest of all channels.... which most of the spiritual teachers and guides tend to guide forward to.... or........ break free your spirit, from the bondage of dissatisfaction.... the dissatisfaction of mind, heart as well as flesh... In fact, Orgasm has been many a times referred to the glimpse of bliss....

So, to me.... sexuality, definitely is a path to the freedom.... the liberation of the spiritual self.... Many wiccan and pagan religions actually have a sacred ritual of sex.... And, yes, for those whom it works...it surely does...

I guess, most of us, would have experienced a real calm and peace in a very satisfying relationship we have or probably had.... why? is it just the emotion? the social security? just the love? I doubt....

Would the relationship actually sustain and survive, if there was no free expression of any sort of erotica? I wonder....

Do You wonder too.........

©anu (Exploring Myself)

p.s.: This is also, something, I learnt from Delhi........ didn't explore sexuality, but did explore a spiritual cult there. That also was a big city's gift to me. Don't know if this makes some sense....

101st Post : Something Different : Lifestyles 1

Disclaimer :This post is actually going to shock a few people, but I do not seek to apologize for any adult content in this post. With the 101st post here on this blog, I think, this is something worth discussing. Obviously it's not politically correct, and it may shock a few people about ethics and morals that I've always believed in and lived upto. However, on a personal note, to all my real friends and well-wishers, I assure You that I am perfectly in harmony with the morals and ethics. On this note..... this post is about my thoughts on a lot of things, but primarily on alternative lifestyles, specially one of them.

**************************************
It's been quite sometime now, that I've been exploring new lifestyles, alternative lifestyles would be a good word rather. How I hit the phrase and this phase of explorations is a long story ad not suitable enough to be written right now. But definitely, what's more important is what I explored, and where it leads me to.

I started my life as pretty normal Indian girl...... specially when it comes to behavior, conducting myself in public, treatment of my friends, peers, mentors and family, and about expectations....from me and mine.

But, something good (or may be not so good) that happened in the process was the fact that free thinking was encouraged in me. I somehow always found more than women around me. Probably, I used to be intellectually stimulated by the variety in their experiences, in contrast to those of most women around me, and so were they, with my grasp, and teatment of differet and diverse subjects.

The two lonely and isolated years in Delhi, with an exposure to the so - called free lifestyle, made me realize much more than 21 years in my town had. I realized the value of what I had learnt and also of that I hadn't. I realized that I was ahead of most of my peers, but I still lagged behind many. Not because I didn't sleep around or didn't get drunk or was not in a relationship. But, because I wasn't really aware of many things that existed in the world.

And......it was then that I explored. Tried playing safe, and remaining low about it, but I did try to explore and find out things.

It was then that I explored online, read, saw, discussed, became a member of groups around me, and found out how different people look at different set of things, experience. It was then that I truly learnt to be non-judgmental !!

I started with reading the classics, moved on to erotica, finished the Kamasutra, while simultaneously exploring the online discussion forums, porn websites(yes, I did it, but as if it was a course of study). I read philosophy, erotica, psychology (normal as well what the experts had to say about perversions and psychopathy).

I discovered what was good, what wasn't so good, and what was BAD (I say BAD, because it hurt people). And then I came across the concept of alternative lifestyles!!

The few that I got a chance to explore were thus:
1. Spirituality - Asceticism, Renunciation, Week-end
2. Spiritual Sexuality
3. BDSM and Kink
4. Gor
5. Vanilla........of course this was something I already was used to.

I won't really be able to say that I've explored a lot of relationships really........... but Lifestyles ? yes !!! And in the couple of next few posts, probably I'd be discussing all of them gradually one by one.....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Journal Update

I'm breaking the sequence in between from my posts today. Not because, I can't think of anything to write about those remaining 2 C's, but probably because this is something that's been keeping me mentally occupied for some time now.

However, defeating materialistically, it might be, the fact is I love the feel that now I'll have weekends too, without going to the University, and..........Most Importantly.......... I'll be able to write and blog and think regularly.

Also, what immensely pleases me is that I've joined the gym. Whoops!!! I love the thought of venting out all my frustration on the machines now, by working out more when I'm extra frustrated and balanced when I just want to keep myself toned up and ready.

I will also be able to write poetry, stories, and all the hell lot of things. I'll be able to read about the world's classic poets and authors and learn a thing or two about and from them!! God! How easy do I feel. I wonder if this weekend business was actually suffocating me.

I just love the feel :

Liberated :D

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Last few days

Life has been busy like anything,
I've been trying to manage everything.
With grave depression creeping in,
I can practically focus on Nothing.

Busy life is a break from inner demons,
even if not exactly like and angle from heaven.
It cuts me off, like an isolated vessel on a shelf,
making my emotions go berserk, hurting my inner self.

.................


Lord,
help me survive,
not through control,
but through tolerance, patience........
and submission.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A prayer long forgotten

I wrote this prayer on the 6th of June, it is still in this blog. But, I came across it, when I was just poking around my nose in the older posts, realizing the changes I've undergone, this is where I realized, I was actually thankful and willing to realize the beauty of the LOrd in every and anything :)

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)