18-27 - Part 1

So, I was already 18, when I left school, nothing unusual there though. Except for the fact that my loner nature had already been established. I had already been subconsciously declared as a nerd, loner, multi-faceted and multi-talented individual with a sort of solitude and loneliness prominently visible. It was also, assumed that I was at peace with my being alone. There were germs of poetry. Literature and yet a desire to be a doctor and study medicine and psychiatry (eventually). But with failures creeping in on facts like having to quit math, lack of fee to pay for costly coaching classes.

I dropped four years to prepare for my pre medical entrance exam. I joined a graduate program once in the mean while, a B.Sc. in Biology. But gave it up. It wasn’t my place. I liked going to college, using library but I hated the batch mates, It was during these four years that my best friend of 7 years ditched me, by saying to her parents that I was the one who was being stalked by some guys (who actually were stalking me). These four years made me realize that honesty is the best policy, since my parents would know everything about me, my activities, my whereabouts.

It was the beginning of these four years that my life went through fire and flames and came out as something entirely different. I was re-diagnosed thrice with my depression and ALWAYS, I refused to take medication. It was the beginning of these four years that I was exposed to yahoo (by my younger brother) and the later part of these years that I bought my first mobile phone. But there’s something much more important (wrong usage I know), that I discovered.

It was - I started teaching. I taught students who were my immediate juniors. I taught senior school physics, chemistry, biology, because I wanted to learn. I knew I’d never be able to afford money enough to go and prepare for entrances outside my town. My town didn’t have good institutes till then. I had no friends, most of those who were with me got into engineering (the ratio of engg seats to medical being something like 12000 to 600 that time if I remember correctly). I didn’t have friends to discuss study with. I didn’t know which books to read, what depth to probe into and I took up teaching as an obvious and a clear solution to problems like these.

I remember the students’ parents would ask me – you’re so young. And I’d politely reply – I know, but what matters is my command on the subject. I was amazing with theory, especially physics, which I knew that I could never ever study again because I did not study Math in grade 12. My students would score well, even clear competitive exams, while I would year after year not succeed. The best I’d do was to fall short by a single mark, or to get a payment seat, or to be able to join something like a self-sponsored dentistry.

It was these four years however, when one of my teachers tried to seduce me, another wanted to lay me around and 2 batchmates disgusted me to no end, with their grossly materialistic and carnal proposals without even a twinge of feeling (Back then, I was EXCESSIVELY conventional, VERY stubborn and greatly judgmental). It was within these four years that I found the first love of my life (who later dumped me because he realized I’m not a would-be doctor anymore and that I do not look as beautiful as in the pics. And this after telling his whole family that he wanted to marry me. Funny, ain’t it? :)

But on the other hand, in 2005, amidst all this drama and lackluster life, I found a friend in a biology chat room in yahoo then. This was one of the first people who molded my life. Extremely intelligent, highly accomplished, pure in spirit and amazingly understanding, this Man (7 years elder to me?) brought me to an understanding of myself. He questioned me, probed me, made me think, answer his questions. He helped me explore much of the unexplored me. He helped me deal with what was negative, to encourage in myself what was positive. We met once and then lost contact. Ani, I still miss you :)

It was in these four years (towards the end) that I managed to save money, shift to Delhi for coaching and met my best friend till date, my best supporter of last 5 years and my current employer. We had a common friend introduce me. So, the last 6 months of my last drop, this friend introduced me to ISKCON, where I could find exactly the same reasoning as the one I had, exactly similar things as subjects of discussion like they were at Home. ISKCON was a home away from home.

I wrote my final attempt, did not succeed, took up a call centre job and decided I didn’t want to study further. This is when I turned 22, with a heart break, a broken friendship, a total of 2 seducing attempts, 2 disgusting offers, a long history of failures already, future bleak. I guess, I cannot cover this duration all in one go, so I will write a sequel to this section.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)