Another depressive Bout: heavy very heavy

Pre Script: this is a blog entry less about my thoughts and more about my feelings.

One of my best friends is getting married. First in 'my' circle. or rather so called 'my'. did I ever really have friends? i doubt. is it that I tend to cling to people and relationships? no, I grow out of them at the right time. She had started being unresponsive for past one year or rather more. So, i also eventually stopped calling. I thought she didn't want me to call her. Today she returned, more intense than ever. as a Friend who had really missed me.

She is getting married, but, why am i upset about it. I am happy, yes that's true. She is moving on to the next phase in her life, and its both Joyful, and important for her. and yet, I'm slightly upset, because i will be left even more lonely.

brother needs the PC, so would have to get up now. I know my thought process would be lost, but i will have to entertain it. I will write another entry after the right time. No point saving this entry and editing it later and stuff.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Conditiong.......... contd....part 2

Fair v/s Foul: Often, the Religious cults and sects would deny the fact that they brainwash their followers. The standpoint is always of freewill.”They follow us since they feel its right, and of course by the books it is”.
On the other hand, the lifestyle followers of kinky fantasies put forth their explanations of desires of Human nature, human libidos and the fact, that dark is as good as bright and equal, so long it doesn’t affect others.

But, what I often wonder about is that how many of these so-called “followers” really know the truth of what they are following. The so-called “freewill”, is it really free? How many of these followers acknowledge the difficulties they faced to get accustomed to this certain sect or lifestyle that they now follow? Do they really remember, how many tears have they shed? How many forced smiles have they put on before they really started believing that this IS their smile? I doubt if many do.

I am not here to criticize any sect/lifestyle/fantasy or kink. I am not here to justify or blame any individual’s choices. That is not for me to do. However, as a free individual I am here pondering on what makes us follow whatever we follow. I feel, as soon as one is born in a family, they ARE conditioned. They are conditioned, in the mother’s womb, outside it, within the family, out in the society, everywhere. We are bound to be conditioned. The question is why? And the next question is How to get rid of this conditioning?

Why and How: The question of Why and How requires both scientific and philosophical logic. Scientific logic would be required to understand the psychology and the functioning of Human mind, and the variations observable for the same. At the same time, Philosophical Logic is required to understand the effect of various kinds of convincing and conditionings given to those targets/victims/followers, which require more of mental conditioning and logical convincing. Also, Philosophical Logic and understanding of ethics would play a vital role in understanding cultural and religious brainwash.

Both the questions can be correctly answered only by the combination of the two aspects of reasoning.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Conditioning of Human Mind: Slavery to a preconceived idea or life style.

Various Forms: Sexual and Domestic Slavery, Love, Religion, Fictional/Alternative Lifestyle, Social Customs.


Means and Methods: Physical Force, Mental Breakdown, Philosophical Justifications, Cultural excuses, Financial attractions, Emotional Conditioning, Attack on the defense system by bringing the target in the mode of struggle for survival (rather, surrender for survival).
It can be clearly observed that different means are used in different kind of conditionings. It is emotional in case of love, where the victim is convinced that she/he is loved, and used to the lover’s advantages. It is philosophical justification in most forms of Religious Schools. Financial attractions may be the tool used in case of Domestic and sexual slavery. Physical force, brutality and exploitation of fear of existence and, the well being of one’s loved beings, has been an eternally used tool. A combination of 2 or more factors may often be observed in different kinds of conditioning.

Mechanism of Brainwash: The mechanism of Brainwash is different for different victims/targets and different goals to be attained. It also varies from predator to predator. It also depends on how easy or tough is the target. This is indicated by the extent of brutality/convincing used to make one succumb to the conditioned thought pattern. I have heard many BDSM lifestylers often say, that Dominance and Submission is in the mind. So, the simplest explanation of the mechanism of Human mind conditioning would be to convince that what the target/follower/victim is doing is right, and that they ought to do it. This may happen by any of the modes and means mentioned above.

need, want, desire, luxury

heh another interesting topic:

just a short note or a prescript before i write: these days my thoughts are very disoriented, a lot is going on in both real life both family as well as personal. So many of these blogs are subjects to changes and updates later. So, now I shoot! :) (sounding over chirpy? he he !)

I started this post months ago, and today when I complete this, I am no more in a similar thought process or frame of mind. I had wanted to elaborate, self evaluate and express my ideas about these subjects.......... But perhaps nothing matters any more....... neither needs, nor desires, nor wants nor luxuries.

Need:

Want:

Desire:

Luxury:

©anu (Exploring Myself)

The Essence of my being: my submission

The right thing would perhaps have been my submissive nature. But no, it is my submission. because its who i am. submitted completely to something. In this post, i'm trying to analyse what this something is.

Submission to a Man? no i don't think i would ever be fully submitted to One Man. I could be submitted to Him, Physically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, logically and every other -ally, but perhaps not through my soul (though that doesn't mean that i don't judge my submission to a Man, spiritual in a way as well).

Submission to God's Man?
Submission to God?
Submission to what then?

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Mind, Body,Heart and Soul

The mind, body, heart and soul relation is somthing that has often intrigued me. It is not something to be easily understood, and yet, at the same time, excessively simple. For eg. my heart wanted to post this entry months ago. I had started this post months back, perhaps as my first post, and its today that I'm colpleting it. Why? certainly because at times my bodily situations didnt support. at others my thoughts (mind) wasn't prettu focussed. and at many others, i didn't want to make my soul heavy with confession.

Heavy with confession? perhaps sounds stupid eh?. But, for me, it isn't stupid. Its very sensible, and very very logical. For me, my acknowledgement to the desires of my mind, heart and body, sometimes makes my soul feel guilty. or makes my mind feel guilty of soiling my soul perhaps. But, then at other times, i remember that soul actually is the purest spark of light, emmanating from God, with a certain amount of free will, and a purposeful body and mind.

at the same time, ideally to me, my bind, body and heart should be none, but just, means, methods, and tools to realize what ultimately my soul wants. Now this is where i get messed up. scriptures, seekers and Masters say its GOD that my soul wants and should wants. my question is how to be sure. I know its true by my faith, intuition and much more, but not with my logic. Or perhaps, logic doesn't work when we're talking of souls and super soul?

I understand that certain things are realizable truly only with experiences, and experiences of soul are such. However, i think i'm not yet ripe, and hence the experience doesn't come with the full impact. Perhaps, it will still take me some time, to reallise the path my soul wants to travel, and how my body, mind and heart fall in symphony to it. Or perhaps in gross sense, i do realise. Its just in the deeper senses, that I am not yet ready, and waiting.

This is one of the reasons, when i think about M/s dynamics in my life, i can't think of submitting my soul, since i feel my eternal submission is committed to GOD! Yes, I know people would say that's crap, and who's seen God, or if they are polite, perhaps they would say, that God is the eternal Master, but not realisable physically. Or else, they might also say, that to strike a balance there is a necessity to divide appropriately suited time, to the needs of the Mind, Body, Heart and soul. If I had to choose, I would choose the last attention, dividing time appropriately, but not complete forgetting in any manner.

Can't really think more at this time, will add as a sequel if anything comes to mind later on. :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Patience, Persistance, Devotion and Loyalty

A very important part of a man's existence is patience, the next being persistence and then comes devotion and then loyalty. Without these four things, no man can survive. They would constantly face problems. It doesn't essentially have to be towards God, or towards a Man/ Woman for that matter. It doesn't essentially have to be in a relationship. It has to be in the overall personality and the whole existence of a person.

Patience and persistence is not just required once one starts walking towards their goal, it also is many times required for seeking the goal itself. without patience and perseverence, nothing can be achieved and as i said it is not a part of just a relationship, its a part of everything practically. A part of cooking, a part of learning new things, a part of attaining a goal, even a part of sleeping for that matter. impatient minds are often insomniac :)

Once patience and perseverence, help one seek His/ her goal, one can then move forward to the action plan, which then requires devotion and loyalty. devotion to the action plan and loyalty to the target as well as the mentor if there is one.

update as of 14.11.08: a spiritual seeker yesterday said to me.....You can test a Guru and one genuine will prove Himself to You, but once You accept His shelter, its Your trust that matters on Your end, or else His greatest powers would be useless for You.


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Breakups and Heart Breaks

Break -ups and Heart breaks are both a pain and a learning and a pleasure. But, to really understand why it so happens, one needs to understand why does a breakup/heartbreak happens. and More than that, one needs to understand why relationships happen.

Relationships happen because of desires, needs, wants and expectations, and reakups, when these aren't fulfilled. The questions is.... are these desires, wants, and needs, justified? In my opinion, yes they are and no they aren't. Yes, when they are needs, and No, when they are not needs.

Why am not good at handling relations? for two simple reasons and that's why my relationships break up everytime.

Reason:
1. I don't need them. They are my desires and wants and expectations which are not my needs, and hence, not necessary for my survival.
2. They are my needs, and i let this fact be known to the counterpart, who then starts taking it either for granted or else as a tool to abuse me, till it starts suffocating me.

Result? simple! breakup!

I am in a kind of very light relationship right now. wish I had posetd this post earlier having completed it. But, for whatever reasons i couldn't. But anyways, it doesn't matter anymore, now that it's being published.

Adding on 04.11.08.

Sometimes relationships also break due to lack of communication, which might happen for many reasons, in background. This is the most hurting type. God Bless those who suffer from this.

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Release v/s Restriction

Release and restriction are not opposite in my opinion. Release comes only as an extension of restriction. Unless restricted, there'd be no piling up, and no need for release really. Restriction could be social, imposed, mental, psychological, self - inflicted or anything. There's no definite theory as to what a restriction or inhibition should be.

No volcanoes would erupt if there were no closures of the mouths. There would be no orgasms, if the sexual urge wasn't restricted till it reached that peak. There would be no channelizing of energy (any type, sexual, mental, psychological, spiritual), if it wasn't being controlled in the first place. Some people hate restrictions saying that it hampers growth. I don't deny that yes it does, however, they are unending restrictions that do so. Restrictions in a proper manner and when properly applied, do not hamper growth, rather they help it. And yes, I'm not saying that I'm essentially right :)

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Fair v/s Foul

Fair v/s foul has been an eternal battle and an eternal conflict. Everywhere, in everything and every time. In all aspects of life, in all lifestyles, in all philosophies, and in all thought patterns.
I remember having read about the 3 modes of nature, the mode of goodness, mode of passion and the mode of ignorance. However, that was much later in my life. Earlier my opinion was that the world is just black and white. I realized much later that there were shades of Gray and shades of the whole VIBGYOR. But, somehow I could never correlate with colors.

It was much later when I realized that, White is the Mode of Goodness, and Black is the Mode of Ignorance. All other colors and shades exist in the realm of the Mode of passion. However, what I have always believed, and still believe is that Mode of passion is something that helps one maintain the balance between White and Black, the Foul and the fair.


............ Honestly.......... my thoughts on this subject always seem to get overwhelmed, where in i can't put them in an organized fashion at all. so, i need to end it up here. will add as Fair v/s Fol (2 ) and (3) and so on, as and when i keep getting those.........................

©anu (Exploring Myself)

My attitude........

I've started cracking up. everyone around me, is always cribbing. Someone about stressful life, someone about their inabilities, someone about their facilities, and what do i get? I get abused verbally, emotionally, and mentally. What's the point of such a life?

I try to be pleasing and to serve as per my best capacities, but they are never satisfied. At some point they need to understand that I'm saturated with the seemingly endless expectations. Its more so with my real life and family. The disgust has made me an escapist. I tend to run off to the online life and develop attachments there. I'm no different there, as I am here. But, obviously things are less personal and more formal there, and I have to pay attention to the one whom I'm talking. Result, I don't have to think about this crappy real life. Fortunately, most people don't crib there.

Whenever, I'm home, Mom and Dad are cribbing about their difficulties, brothers are behaving selfishly indifferent and no friends at all. Not that they are not good, or supportive, but I'm sucked up.
Understood that I'm the eldest one.Understood that I'm sometimes mean, but do they expect me to stop living?And even if that, why don't they tell me straight forward.

I'm losing touch with reality. I am suffering from more and more severe bipolar. My phases' frequency, intensity and everything has increased. I've practically become housebound.This needs to be checked with immediate effect.But How? I don't have friends real life. No people in my age group whom I can go and meet or interact with. No school, No classes, no Job, nothing!

I'll have to soon find a better way than Yahoo or MIRC to channelize my energy and be more creative.

©anu (Exploring Myself)