Targets for Today: 28.12.09 - 29.12.09

Personal Study:
Marvell (summarize),
Herbert(summarize),
Jane Austen(Mansfield Park),
Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights)

Study for tomorrow's Class :
Handouts 41/42

Study for Extra Teaching day after tomorrow:
XAT papers,
Three Chapters (Word Power made easy)
Two Chapters (Grammer)

GD/PI:
Internet,
Education System
Exams: A necessary Evil

Essays:
Day 1
Day 2

Time: 30 hours

Lessons in Life

Often, I wonder, how life teaches us so many lessons through things and events.... both small and large... It in fact, can also be something like, not looking down while walking and just slipping off, or something as grave as a failed marriage.... Life anyhow, always teaches one every time.

I also, wonder how Kahlil Gibran, Kabir and all those of the like, could accept the teachings of life so simply.... But then, isn't the question just ridiculous in itself?

They could do so, because they were who they were.... Liberated, loving souls.... Souls who had realized their purposes in life.... Souls who had.......... I don't know what !!! I'm puzzled :(

Love,

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Back!!!

Back from Delhi..... to same old routine.... Left for Delhi on Saturday night, reached Sunday morning, went to temple, met an old friend.... purchased some books and my brother's study material, followed by meeting up with some friends, and then went to see Avatar....Nice movie...... I liked it...........

Then went to the market, shopped some clothes and then finally had dinner, and some good, deep, conversation, and then they dropped me to the bus stop, and I traveled overnight to reach back home today morning....

Tried sleeping, couldn't and now proceeding to do a few chores, arrange room and then go and take the scheduled lecture.... Following which I MAY go to gym, or may be I won't....... I'm tired.

I'll then probably design out some schedule and sleep after preparing tomorrow's lectures.

Love


©anu (Exploring Myself)

Delhi............... I'm coming

Off to Delhi, Saturday night, back on Monday morning Lol:)
I wish out of my excitement, from the bus I may not fall :))

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Disclaimer :

Whatever kink, fantasy I might talk about, is not o be attributed to me as a person.... I write about them, since I find them thought provoking.

Regards,
©anu (Exploring Myself)

Spirtuality and Sexuality?

Interesting post I made elsewhere:

Spirituality, as understood by me, is being in harmony with your spiritual being... the quintessence of your personality and your real SELF. In the literal sense, it's about being in harmony with your spirit (some may call it soul), I prefer calling it spirit, since I still think that soul is sacrosanct ;)

So, back to what I was trying to think.... when one talks about one's spirituality, one is referring to the holistic nature of oneself:) Holistic as in the nature of self inclusive of mind, body, soul and heart !!

Now sexuality primarily has to do with the mind and the flesh. However, just like anything else, if You do not put your heart into it, it also fades down like almost all other things.... (most marriages that fade are a common example). However, something special about sexuality is the fact that at times, the bodily needs are so overwhelming that one might feel aroused even without a definite mental reason........ a possible reason for one night stands I guess(just a guess, I mean :) )

So, whilst sexuality is a carnal need in it's essence, we cannot deny the mental and the emotional aspects of it....

Now the question is..... what about the spirit?

Commonly speaking, many spiritual schools of thought believe that the soul(spirit) is encased in the body :) That means, to release the soul free there are two ways..... Either connect it to the space through the purest of all channels.... which most of the spiritual teachers and guides tend to guide forward to.... or........ break free your spirit, from the bondage of dissatisfaction.... the dissatisfaction of mind, heart as well as flesh... In fact, Orgasm has been many a times referred to the glimpse of bliss....

So, to me.... sexuality, definitely is a path to the freedom.... the liberation of the spiritual self.... Many wiccan and pagan religions actually have a sacred ritual of sex.... And, yes, for those whom it works...it surely does...

I guess, most of us, would have experienced a real calm and peace in a very satisfying relationship we have or probably had.... why? is it just the emotion? the social security? just the love? I doubt....

Would the relationship actually sustain and survive, if there was no free expression of any sort of erotica? I wonder....

Do You wonder too.........

©anu (Exploring Myself)

p.s.: This is also, something, I learnt from Delhi........ didn't explore sexuality, but did explore a spiritual cult there. That also was a big city's gift to me. Don't know if this makes some sense....

101st Post : Something Different : Lifestyles 1

Disclaimer :This post is actually going to shock a few people, but I do not seek to apologize for any adult content in this post. With the 101st post here on this blog, I think, this is something worth discussing. Obviously it's not politically correct, and it may shock a few people about ethics and morals that I've always believed in and lived upto. However, on a personal note, to all my real friends and well-wishers, I assure You that I am perfectly in harmony with the morals and ethics. On this note..... this post is about my thoughts on a lot of things, but primarily on alternative lifestyles, specially one of them.

**************************************
It's been quite sometime now, that I've been exploring new lifestyles, alternative lifestyles would be a good word rather. How I hit the phrase and this phase of explorations is a long story ad not suitable enough to be written right now. But definitely, what's more important is what I explored, and where it leads me to.

I started my life as pretty normal Indian girl...... specially when it comes to behavior, conducting myself in public, treatment of my friends, peers, mentors and family, and about expectations....from me and mine.

But, something good (or may be not so good) that happened in the process was the fact that free thinking was encouraged in me. I somehow always found more than women around me. Probably, I used to be intellectually stimulated by the variety in their experiences, in contrast to those of most women around me, and so were they, with my grasp, and teatment of differet and diverse subjects.

The two lonely and isolated years in Delhi, with an exposure to the so - called free lifestyle, made me realize much more than 21 years in my town had. I realized the value of what I had learnt and also of that I hadn't. I realized that I was ahead of most of my peers, but I still lagged behind many. Not because I didn't sleep around or didn't get drunk or was not in a relationship. But, because I wasn't really aware of many things that existed in the world.

And......it was then that I explored. Tried playing safe, and remaining low about it, but I did try to explore and find out things.

It was then that I explored online, read, saw, discussed, became a member of groups around me, and found out how different people look at different set of things, experience. It was then that I truly learnt to be non-judgmental !!

I started with reading the classics, moved on to erotica, finished the Kamasutra, while simultaneously exploring the online discussion forums, porn websites(yes, I did it, but as if it was a course of study). I read philosophy, erotica, psychology (normal as well what the experts had to say about perversions and psychopathy).

I discovered what was good, what wasn't so good, and what was BAD (I say BAD, because it hurt people). And then I came across the concept of alternative lifestyles!!

The few that I got a chance to explore were thus:
1. Spirituality - Asceticism, Renunciation, Week-end
2. Spiritual Sexuality
3. BDSM and Kink
4. Gor
5. Vanilla........of course this was something I already was used to.

I won't really be able to say that I've explored a lot of relationships really........... but Lifestyles ? yes !!! And in the couple of next few posts, probably I'd be discussing all of them gradually one by one.....

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Journal Update

I'm breaking the sequence in between from my posts today. Not because, I can't think of anything to write about those remaining 2 C's, but probably because this is something that's been keeping me mentally occupied for some time now.

However, defeating materialistically, it might be, the fact is I love the feel that now I'll have weekends too, without going to the University, and..........Most Importantly.......... I'll be able to write and blog and think regularly.

Also, what immensely pleases me is that I've joined the gym. Whoops!!! I love the thought of venting out all my frustration on the machines now, by working out more when I'm extra frustrated and balanced when I just want to keep myself toned up and ready.

I will also be able to write poetry, stories, and all the hell lot of things. I'll be able to read about the world's classic poets and authors and learn a thing or two about and from them!! God! How easy do I feel. I wonder if this weekend business was actually suffocating me.

I just love the feel :

Liberated :D

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Decisions

I have finally made up my mind. I am quitting the MBA program. So, now I'll be nothing extra ordinary. I'll be ordinary again, doing a Masters' degree and a job, like many people in India do, and even elsewhere for that matter.

The issue is not that I can't manage the three together, the issue is my seeking for perfection in whatever I do, failing in which, results to severe depression in my case. The choice between MA and MBA was always with MA, everyone knows this..... my family, friends, teachers and everyone else...... The decision might be utopian, but to me it sounds as the most logical and pragmatic chice.

So, going forward, I'll be studying only English........ language and literature. This somehow makes me happy :)

I am glad finally I was courageous enough to make this choice. And that my teachers, parents and even superiors at work rationally support the choice. For, though the manager might be a hard task master, he is a person who's good and sensible at heart :)

So, great going language !!!


Lord,
Thank You for making me believe in magic,
The magic of Your power....
The magic of love,
The magic of choices,
and the beauty of commitment.....

The commitment to myself,
for being true to myself,
for whatever I might seek,
in Love,
in Lust,
in Spirit,
In body mind and soul.

Help me continue sustenance Lord,
per Your choice, decisions and wants.

Amen!!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Last few days

Life has been busy like anything,
I've been trying to manage everything.
With grave depression creeping in,
I can practically focus on Nothing.

Busy life is a break from inner demons,
even if not exactly like and angle from heaven.
It cuts me off, like an isolated vessel on a shelf,
making my emotions go berserk, hurting my inner self.

.................


Lord,
help me survive,
not through control,
but through tolerance, patience........
and submission.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

A prayer long forgotten

I wrote this prayer on the 6th of June, it is still in this blog. But, I came across it, when I was just poking around my nose in the older posts, realizing the changes I've undergone, this is where I realized, I was actually thankful and willing to realize the beauty of the LOrd in every and anything :)

Lord,

Make me realize Your beauty,

The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.

That which is in.....

The Lofty Mountain peaks,

The flowing rivers and streams,

The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.

That which is in.....

The Blue sky overhead,

The Brown earth below,

The Deep Oceans underneath.

That which is in.....

The Birds that sing,

The Animals which graze the pastures,

The Green Pastures,

The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,

The grass so green,

The Sun so warm,

The Moon so fair,

The Breeze so cool.

But Lord,

The Most,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.....

The innocent smile of innocent children,

The benign smile of wrinkled faces,

The Proud smile of beautiful women,

The Confident smile of successful men and women.

And Lord,

More than even that,

Make me see the beauty....

That which is in.......

The souls of all those and which live.

Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.

Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.

Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!

And.....

Make me capable of loving one and all,

Those who are Your children,

That which is Your creation.

Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.

Amen!!

©anu (Exploring Myself)

Lifestyles and Relationships : 3

• Communication: It has to be both sided.

When I talk about communication, what I mean is definite conveying of information, emotions and thoughts. And IT HAS TO BE BOTH SIDED period.Any relationship...... vanilla, kink, alternative lifestyle, or may be just a friendship or a relationship with one's kith and kin, communication is the key. Not all of us are mind readers. Most of us are people who do not often understand what the other person is thinking, though we might have a feeling or a hunch.Also, though we all say that one shouldn't be selfish and expect a lot from a relationship, we all know it as well for a matter of fact, that we DO EXPECT something from these relationships.

While in communication, the medium is important, I believe that what's more important is the regularity, order, and intensity of communication. This depends on various factors, and varies from couple to couple.

Some, people are okay with communications across weekends, other require it to be daily/once in two days. There are some others, who prefer it daily from one side, and others who prefer it one sided regularly, but less frequent from the other side.

For some, it's enough to know the well being, for others it's important that they share details. Sometimes, the communicative expectations differ between the two partners. For eg. One of them might be over expressive, requiring regular re-assurance and communication, while the other one is comparatively less communicative.

Situations like these might create complications if not resolved properly and in time. However, I'm not trying to say that they are unresolvable though.

I started this post on the 3rd, changed it to the 4th and am completing it on the 7th. I know,. this isn't a perfect post, but what ever came to my mind, I just completed.

But, so long, so far, it's OK.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today : 5.12.09 Monotonous and irritating

Today was a hectic day. Couldn't sleep till 3a, last night. Woke up at 6:30a, struggled to start my scooter, kicked it around 50 times, had to inform my manager that I may be half an hour late, and then called the office boy to give the students some papers to solve, while I traveled in a local conveyance.

But, fortunately, bro woke up, kicked it a couple more times till the scooter finally started and I ended up 10 minutes late, but definitely not 30 :)

Taught from 7:30a - 12p. Looked after a bit of official documents, handed over the cash, my colleague had given me before leaving, and the keys as well. Reached University at 2p, studied a bit (the teaching as well as my syllabus material).

It so happened that I forgot to eat anything today till it was 6.30 p, and I had to leave for home from University. The scooter was cranky again, and no one else was around, they had left together (all of them are guys). It was dark, I was alone and afraid. This scooter needs to be dumped now. Does nothing except drinking petrol.

I dragged it to the main University gate, and tried to restart once more before giving up, which finally worked. Reached home around 30 minutes ago....Its 8p now..... will head off to sleep probably.


© anu (Exploring Myself)

Prayer in Solitude

Lord,

Solitude....
sometimes chosen, sometimes not.
But, why did You tie it with me,
when it brings me to naught?

A question I ask,
not in insolence in the least....
You made me a human,
but with SOME instincts of a beast.

And, if beast I had to be,
then why not make me gregarious.
Why make me lonely,
and not jocular and hilarious.

Why did You want me,
to be over sensitive O Lord!
Sure, You DO know that,
sincerity is a both sided sword.

Lord,
give me sincerity,
to take things seriously.
But,
Please.....
give me some space,
to flutter and at times fly free.

Help me see and overcome my fallacies.
Guide my vision, beyond the galaxies.

Make me nothing, but a toll of Your will.
Pull me along, while climbing uphill.

Make me nothing, but to myself and others true.
Lord, help me prove, I'm but a part of You.

Amen!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Today

I woke up at 6:30a, reached work at 7:30a, taught till 9:30a, read Your mail, briefly replied, worked some more helped some students fill up their applications with different B-schools.

Reached back home at around 1 p. Did a whole lot of dishes, almost every single dish was in the sink....mom had gone to a funeral.

Brother suffered from a severe pain in urinary bladder..... He has a stone again, in fact two..... one in the kidney and the other in the bladder.Dad took him to the doc, called up mom who joined them at the hospital. His pain is less now, and he's back to his studies and work.A colleague is going on a long leave..........

That's all for now..... didn't study for exam, not even for the lecture, and no spirituality either.

Life is busy, monotonous, but easy..... at least my thoughts aren't heavy.... as of now.... no cravings, no needs, no overwhelming desires, nothing !!!

Lord,
Thank You for giving me dishes to clean...
for that means, there was food,
and more than that,
there were mouths to be fed,
loved and cared for.

Amen!!



© anu (Exploring Myself)

CAT: The actual experience

Here's my experience.....

Staff: well trained and co-operative.
Mobile/Wrist watch packet deposition facilities : available

I reached the center half an hour prior to the scheduled reporting time, since I'd apprehensively left early for the test center: just in case.

We were allowed to move in with our admission letter, CAT Voucher and Photo ID at around 2:00 p.m.

Security and personal scrutiny was done in a thorough yet polite manner. Loose cash was allowed as long as it was not in the wallet. Wrist watches, mobile phones and any pen, pencils the students might have carried in pockets, were kept in similar pouches, tags allotted.

Once inside, we had our biometrics captured. So, by the time every one was done with it all, it was 3:00p. We were allowed a 5 minutes break within the secured area, for water or to use rest room.

The staff intimated us about the QUIT and the END button........ and the other basic operations even before the tutorial. They were co-operative, in fact One of them actually tried to see if something could be done to help a local candidate who hadn't got His original ID,and just an UNATTESTED Xerox. I actually saw her calling up 5 different people, including pro metric people, if something could be done to save the student from being sent home without attempting the test.

Eventually we were allowed to use the tutorial, and then start the tests.

The exam went good and smoothly. I could relate to most questions as being related to concepts being taught in classes and handouts.

All in all, guys though I didn't fare exceptionally well, (well of course, but not exceptionally) I can assure something...... If You've done Your handouts, sectional tests and MC's, RCT's, AIMCAT's well,(the key word is: If You've been regular and thorough round the year) You'll find the paper a child's game.

But then, it would vary with individuals and their personal experiences.

The paper was over in the scheduled duration, and we were allowed to leave. There were no technical glitches, except for a restart or two at the very beginning of the test, so no one really panicked or anything.

Brother came to pick me back very late after the exam, and co-incidentally the exam had gotten over before the expected time. So, I -DID- panic after the exam ;)

This was the way things went.... My thoughts later.....Reached the town pretty late.

Regards,
Anu

D-Day - CAT 2009

I'm going to write The prestigious(not so prestigious) CAT exam today. After teaching the morning class, I'll depart from the Institute directly to the bus stand with my Younger brother, and then proceed to Jaipur for the exam.

My prime objective is to attempt the English section, and then try attempting as many questions from the other sections as possible. Had it been not for my job, and the double PG's I'm doing, I'd probably have looked into it more seriously and as an aspirant. Now, I AM an aspirant, but a non-sincere one :(

God help me.

Lifestyles and Relationships : 2

• Compatibility: When I talk of Compatibility, I mean by it, all sorts of compatibilities..... emotional, cultural, moral, intellectual, psychological, physical and of course spiritual.

To elaborate let's assume an example.... If I'm in love with a person and seek to get into a relationship with him, I'd look into a lot of things. (here, I'd be specifically considering an amorous relationship). Is he an Indian? If yes, then is a broadminded Indian or a narrow - minded one. As in, does he believe in the orthodox practices or does He believe in the flexibility of people at different places and times?

I'd consider, If he's not an Indian, then what culture is he? am I comfortable with his culture? If yes, do we agree on the dress sense in general, do we agree on our public behavior, is a voyeur or an exhibitionist? If yes, am I the same? Do I like the same activities as he does, if not, can I bring myself to enjoy his chosen activities, and he mine?

There are of course, exceptions to these rules, depending on the kind of lifestyles people live in. For eg. If it were a M/s lifestyle or a D/s lifestyle, probably it would be only one person wanting to adjust. But even there, vanilaa elements do occur. However, if the relationship was a vanilla relationship purely, probably both would adjust.

So, this involves a whole lot. What if I'm a staunch Hindu and He's a Christian or may be plain agnostic, sceptic? May be I believe in over charity and he doesn't ! May be he's extrovert, part-animal, I'm a recluse! May be he likes living in dark rooms and I prefer bright, sunny rooms. May be He's corpulent, huge! I am skinny..... we have all seen relationships fall apart at times with drastic changes in the external persona. At least I have ! So, if You two people are going to eventually live together, please..... I advise You unsolicitedly......think before You decide!!

This having been said, let's have a look at the general (NON-AMOROUS) relationships. If we look at the set of our friends, often we find that we have many subsets amongst the set of friends whom we group together. For an example, I might have a small group of friends who goes with me to the music class. We all enjoy good music, sing well, share audios and videos etc. But, may be I do not like a certain person personally, because of her/his wiered dressing sense :|

Of course, I wouldn't go to shop clothes with the same person. At the same time, may be I won't exchange a musical CD with someone who helps me choose my clothes. My writer friends might not accompany me to lunches because they are non-vegetarian, and prefer different joints, while my colleagues may be my friends at work, and yet not my companions on a night out.

So, You see, it VARIES! Like I said before, (or may be I didn't : ) )we as human beings are open loop limbic systems when it comes to our emotions, feelings and interpersonal interactions. It's not my circulatory system that wouldn't depend on the other person's. It's my thought process, my aura, my emotional sensitivity and whole lot of stuff.

So, on an end note for this post.... I believe that for the success of any relationship, the key factor is compatibility, and I mean it in 'HOLISTIC' terms :)

Regards,
©anu (Exploring Myself)