I had thought that I will blog today and not yesterday. But, I had not known that I will have to be weeping early morning and listen to abuses. I am writing this post though I know I may edit or delete it later. But I need to write and I don't have anyone around me with whom I can share.
There are things which I might keep denying it in front of the world, I know they WILL remain so. But, I also know it for a matter of fact that these things have their own advantages.
I had started this post at seven thirty in the morning and paused there, saved draft and not proceed, because hardly I realized that the day had drastic changes in store.
I patched up sooner than every time. I patched up on initiative, because I didn't want unnecessary tensions for myself. I have my plate already full.
I went for the dance class and the residential camp I was supposed to have been an instructor at. I loved dancing, but again...choices......There's a spiritual and moral training camp from 14th to 21st which will cost me 1000 bucks, and the one month dance class for 600 bucks. Now I want both bad, and don't have a single penny apart from what mom gave as her contro for the dance class :))
Let's see, something will work out!!!
I've finally reduced my blog number to 2 from 9, and though it was tough parting with those posts, it was in my best interest and I'm happy, easy and manageable.
I am planning on starting a lot of series on thoughts and reading journals. preferably the first one shall be on Bhagvad Gita :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Racing thoughts
I had thought I wouldn't boot the system now till today evening, but don't feel like. I had lots of thoughts racing in my mind since last half an hour.....and more than that since yesterday evening. May be its the aura of my room and my home. I need to do something about this, and change the energy vibrations from negative and lusty to positive and loving.
Lusty thoughts have been hunting me since yesterday, and I am unable to resist myself from thinking about them. All, I do, is when I have those thoughts and I have to give in, as soon as I realize where am I drifting, I beg for strength from God, and till now its helping, I hope it keeps on helping.
Lord,
Keep me calm in joys and sorrows,
keep me calm in happiness and misery,
keep me serenely surrendered to You,
for......
strength, righteousness, will and courage.
Keep me willing for a moral strength Lord,
for the character,
for the divine love,
and make me ready to receive Your mercy, Love and Blessings.
Amen!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Lusty thoughts have been hunting me since yesterday, and I am unable to resist myself from thinking about them. All, I do, is when I have those thoughts and I have to give in, as soon as I realize where am I drifting, I beg for strength from God, and till now its helping, I hope it keeps on helping.
Lord,
Keep me calm in joys and sorrows,
keep me calm in happiness and misery,
keep me serenely surrendered to You,
for......
strength, righteousness, will and courage.
Keep me willing for a moral strength Lord,
for the character,
for the divine love,
and make me ready to receive Your mercy, Love and Blessings.
Amen!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Beauty Enhancement and Pampering
I went for a complete beauty Enhancement package to a nearby saloon today. Cost me around 500 of which 300 mom contributed. I also learnt the things at the same time. a hair oil massage followed by waxing pedicure and manicure respectively. to which a facial (scrub, massage and pack) followed. Then I shampooed, got my eye-brow shaped, hair trimmed, and make up done. Draped in a Saree after 4 long hours I was ready for a marriage. I have just come back from the reception.
Some would say spending so much of time was foolery on the previous night to the exam, but its okay..I'm deeply relaxed now. Happy, Pampered, beautiful.
Lord,
Make me realize Your beauty,
The Divine Beauty that is eternal and all pervasive.
That which is in.....
The Lofty Mountain peaks,
The flowing rivers and streams,
The Waterfalls, cascades, and springs.
That which is in.....
The Blue sky overhead,
The Brown earth below,
The Deep Oceans underneath.
That which is in.....
The Birds that sing,
The Animals which graze the pastures,
The Green Pastures,
The Trees that stand tall, laden with fruit,
The grass so green,
The Sun so warm,
The Moon so fair,
The Breeze so cool.
But Lord,
The Most,
Make me see the beauty....
That which is in.....
The innocent smile of innocent children,
The benign smile of wrinkled faces,
The Proud smile of beautiful women,
The Confident smile of successful men and women.
And Lord,
More than even that,
Make me see the beauty....
That which is in.......
The souls of all those and which live.
Make me see the beauty of life Lord!
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.
Make me see the beauty of Love Lord, which comes with life and which brings life.
Love, that is both the source and purpose of life.
Make me see the beauty of Love O Loving Lord!
And.....
Make me capable of loving one and all,
Those who are Your children,
That which is Your creation.
Make me love them as a humble child of Yours Lord.
Amen!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Deleting and importing another of my blogs.....
Prologue:this post consists of the six poems on my other blog..I have decided that I will gradually reduce the number of my blogs to even a lesser number and gradually delete all the rest for the sake of manageability. I had posted these few poems on that blog and am posting them all here with dates and times of older posts, and also the comments of the readers:
Monday, June 1, 2009
Poison and Elixir
Life wasn't elixir....
till You came in.....
Its poision since.....
you gave in.....
Often I think,
with some remorse....
what if life would've taken...
A different course?
What if we'd been together,
till the end!
Writing our names,
in caves and not on sands.
But, life's often,
poison and elixir both together!!
In disguise of poison.....
its pure elixir!!
Trust me!
Posted by Exploring Myself at 1:06 PM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Cheating oneself
Life, often cheats itself.
Not because,
it wants to cheat,
or be cheated.
But, rather because,
cheating sometimes brings solace........
even though temporary.
However,
the mind,
the brain and the soul,
doesn't wish to cheat.
Cheating however, still happens,
and to an extent,
helps.
because it brings joy,
even though temporary.
Tendency to cheat,
is actually a form of,
tendency to feel comfortable.
The tendency to find things,
that you want,
that you don't get,
and that you desire with a drive.
And all that,
what is deserved but not received.....
Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:59 AM
Friday, August 8, 2008
Surrender
Surrender.....
The spirit of it........
Makes one crave for more.
Sincere and serene,
it brings peace within,
only so long its not forced by cruelty.
If consensual, and respectful,
submission helps one grow,
and in one develops all the humility.
I wish to surrender,
to someone whom I'll know deserves.
It may be God or Man,
I'm not yet sure.
But all that is wish,
is to finally strive to perfection,
and deep in my heart,
feel surrender so pure.
Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:04 PM
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Virtue and Vice
Is it Virtue?
To seek from one, who doesn't wish to give?
Is it Vice?
To take from one, who wishes to surrender?
Life,
often doesn't wish to give.
And I?
I try to snatch.
Is it Vice?
Its forced isn't it?
Is it Virtue?
Yes, if Might is Right!
Definitions change with perceptions.
And is it Vice or Virtue?
That I wish to surrender,
or that I don't wish to surrender?
Why is it that definitions change?
Why is it that perceptions change?
Perhaps because,
Times........ change and........
People.......... change.
Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:45 PM
Split me.......
Pain,
Agony,
Sorrow,
and Grief,
beyond endurance.......
Have become, an integral part of Me.
Causing me,
to split myself,
to rip myself into 2.
One that craves for it and,
one that loathes it.
One that enjoys,
one that resists and Blocks it.......
They both co-exist, and they know that they do.
I'm not a Schizophrenic yet.
But then why this...........?
Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:38 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...
the necessity for meditation:
even a buffalo will reach its home without asking
anybody else if it is left ten kilometers away from its home.
even birds are traveling thousands of kilometers
and reach their nests every season.
but man cannot come home without asking anybody else
if he is put away from his home in an unknown place.
Even during the tsunami 2004 in Thailand you can see in
u tube
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=a-8_wEm7t8k&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-JDJs_5kQQ
that people are standing in the shore looking at the sea which is
coming at an up normal hight without running away and escape
from the waves even ten seconds before the death.
But animals and birds have escaped from the sight even two hours
before the incident.
why?
the intuition and the subconscious mind is covered by the
mind which is highly developed by uncontrollable thinking
permanently. the mind is perpetuate. (it will be existing by itself
permanently)
an indian is thinking in indian languages and an englishman in english
and an italian in italy and so on. since the languages are easily
available to the brain it is thinking permanently without stopping
even if he wishes to stop it.
eventhough the languages are the reason for the development
of the human race in all fields since the thinking is the base of all
developments but he lost his intuitive powers since the mind is
covering the inner mind (the subconscious mind) as he cannot
stop his mind when he wishes. it becomes a curse.
now the man has lost his identity, his individuality in the midst of thoughts.
he lost himself. he lost his intuitive powers.
now the mind is like a car in an open place without any restrictions
as it can go zig zag anywhere else.
chanting any words repeatedly ( any words in any religion in any method)
will make the mind a little controlled. it is the prayer.
it is now like a train which is going in fixed rails which cannot go
here and there which is controlled by the track.
above this level comes the meditation.
in this you are not thinking anything. you are not doing anything.
you are simply sits. you are zero. it is like the car or train stopped
permanently. it is not moving. it is not going anywhere else.
nirviruthi thyan....pathanjali yoga sutra ...1.1
no mind is meditation.... .osho.
it is the brahmam of hinduism. it is the zero of budhdha. it is the zen of zenism.
it is the supersoul of christianity. it is the sufi of islam. and so on.
whatever may be the name the result is one.
anywhere in the world, anywhere in the religion, whatever may be the
approach, whatever may be the method you are reaching only one stage.
you are in total zero.
after all human beings are having only one system of brain and they
will reach only one stage. get only one result.
meditate. be zero. be happy. be in bliss.
November 20, 2008 2:57 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...
also search http://www.ashokha.co.cc
November 20, 2008 2:59 PM
Aham Brahmasmi
Life, gives me nothing,
and I get everything.
It gives me everything,
but, I get nothing.
Perhaps, because I know, because I believe,
that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.
If cipher begins the count,
and expands..... to infinity;
nothing....... becomes everything!
If space WILL someday.....
collapse to the Black hole,
Everything WILL be Nothing then.
But,
I shall remain,
Eternal, ever existing,
and Ever prevalent;
I am,
I exist,
in.....
Whatever, I do,
I seek,
I explore,
I find.
Because.......
I AM I.
I am Brahman - The Everything!
I am I - but, just Nothing
Posted by Exploring Myself at 9:11 PM
Blogger Exploring Myself said...
Brahman in Hindu Philosophy is the eternal effulgence of GOD
August 7, 2008 11:35 PM
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Poison and Elixir
Life wasn't elixir....
till You came in.....
Its poision since.....
you gave in.....
Often I think,
with some remorse....
what if life would've taken...
A different course?
What if we'd been together,
till the end!
Writing our names,
in caves and not on sands.
But, life's often,
poison and elixir both together!!
In disguise of poison.....
its pure elixir!!
Trust me!
Posted by Exploring Myself at 1:06 PM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Cheating oneself
Life, often cheats itself.
Not because,
it wants to cheat,
or be cheated.
But, rather because,
cheating sometimes brings solace........
even though temporary.
However,
the mind,
the brain and the soul,
doesn't wish to cheat.
Cheating however, still happens,
and to an extent,
helps.
because it brings joy,
even though temporary.
Tendency to cheat,
is actually a form of,
tendency to feel comfortable.
The tendency to find things,
that you want,
that you don't get,
and that you desire with a drive.
And all that,
what is deserved but not received.....
Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:59 AM
Friday, August 8, 2008
Surrender
Surrender.....
The spirit of it........
Makes one crave for more.
Sincere and serene,
it brings peace within,
only so long its not forced by cruelty.
If consensual, and respectful,
submission helps one grow,
and in one develops all the humility.
I wish to surrender,
to someone whom I'll know deserves.
It may be God or Man,
I'm not yet sure.
But all that is wish,
is to finally strive to perfection,
and deep in my heart,
feel surrender so pure.
Posted by Exploring Myself at 4:04 PM
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Virtue and Vice
Is it Virtue?
To seek from one, who doesn't wish to give?
Is it Vice?
To take from one, who wishes to surrender?
Life,
often doesn't wish to give.
And I?
I try to snatch.
Is it Vice?
Its forced isn't it?
Is it Virtue?
Yes, if Might is Right!
Definitions change with perceptions.
And is it Vice or Virtue?
That I wish to surrender,
or that I don't wish to surrender?
Why is it that definitions change?
Why is it that perceptions change?
Perhaps because,
Times........ change and........
People.......... change.
Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:45 PM
Split me.......
Pain,
Agony,
Sorrow,
and Grief,
beyond endurance.......
Have become, an integral part of Me.
Causing me,
to split myself,
to rip myself into 2.
One that craves for it and,
one that loathes it.
One that enjoys,
one that resists and Blocks it.......
They both co-exist, and they know that they do.
I'm not a Schizophrenic yet.
But then why this...........?
Posted by Exploring Myself at 10:38 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...
the necessity for meditation:
even a buffalo will reach its home without asking
anybody else if it is left ten kilometers away from its home.
even birds are traveling thousands of kilometers
and reach their nests every season.
but man cannot come home without asking anybody else
if he is put away from his home in an unknown place.
Even during the tsunami 2004 in Thailand you can see in
u tube
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=a-8_wEm7t8k&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-JDJs_5kQQ
that people are standing in the shore looking at the sea which is
coming at an up normal hight without running away and escape
from the waves even ten seconds before the death.
But animals and birds have escaped from the sight even two hours
before the incident.
why?
the intuition and the subconscious mind is covered by the
mind which is highly developed by uncontrollable thinking
permanently. the mind is perpetuate. (it will be existing by itself
permanently)
an indian is thinking in indian languages and an englishman in english
and an italian in italy and so on. since the languages are easily
available to the brain it is thinking permanently without stopping
even if he wishes to stop it.
eventhough the languages are the reason for the development
of the human race in all fields since the thinking is the base of all
developments but he lost his intuitive powers since the mind is
covering the inner mind (the subconscious mind) as he cannot
stop his mind when he wishes. it becomes a curse.
now the man has lost his identity, his individuality in the midst of thoughts.
he lost himself. he lost his intuitive powers.
now the mind is like a car in an open place without any restrictions
as it can go zig zag anywhere else.
chanting any words repeatedly ( any words in any religion in any method)
will make the mind a little controlled. it is the prayer.
it is now like a train which is going in fixed rails which cannot go
here and there which is controlled by the track.
above this level comes the meditation.
in this you are not thinking anything. you are not doing anything.
you are simply sits. you are zero. it is like the car or train stopped
permanently. it is not moving. it is not going anywhere else.
nirviruthi thyan....pathanjali yoga sutra ...1.1
no mind is meditation.... .osho.
it is the brahmam of hinduism. it is the zero of budhdha. it is the zen of zenism.
it is the supersoul of christianity. it is the sufi of islam. and so on.
whatever may be the name the result is one.
anywhere in the world, anywhere in the religion, whatever may be the
approach, whatever may be the method you are reaching only one stage.
you are in total zero.
after all human beings are having only one system of brain and they
will reach only one stage. get only one result.
meditate. be zero. be happy. be in bliss.
November 20, 2008 2:57 PM
Blogger chyrenselin said...
also search http://www.ashokha.co.cc
November 20, 2008 2:59 PM
Aham Brahmasmi
Life, gives me nothing,
and I get everything.
It gives me everything,
but, I get nothing.
Perhaps, because I know, because I believe,
that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.
If cipher begins the count,
and expands..... to infinity;
nothing....... becomes everything!
If space WILL someday.....
collapse to the Black hole,
Everything WILL be Nothing then.
But,
I shall remain,
Eternal, ever existing,
and Ever prevalent;
I am,
I exist,
in.....
Whatever, I do,
I seek,
I explore,
I find.
Because.......
I AM I.
I am Brahman - The Everything!
I am I - but, just Nothing
Posted by Exploring Myself at 9:11 PM
Blogger Exploring Myself said...
Brahman in Hindu Philosophy is the eternal effulgence of GOD
August 7, 2008 11:35 PM
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Post for 4th and 5th of June
I went to a friend's place on the 3rd night after celebrations, returned yesterday morning and then went again yesterday evening.
Friend? rather an elder acquaintance. Her mom and dad were in the house too, and I've been studying. I am keen on the exam that's on the 7th and I'll be gone some days. I was there till today noon 1:00 p.m. studying, and also watching TV after months and years for a change :)
I'll now be gone till 7th evening, focusing more on last minute preparations, and shuffling of notes and solving papers.
Lord help me!
I can see, deleting and quitting IRC has immensely helped. But its my Lord's blessings that have worked really.
Lord,
keep me on the right path!
I know You love me...
and You want me to love all and one.
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Friend? rather an elder acquaintance. Her mom and dad were in the house too, and I've been studying. I am keen on the exam that's on the 7th and I'll be gone some days. I was there till today noon 1:00 p.m. studying, and also watching TV after months and years for a change :)
I'll now be gone till 7th evening, focusing more on last minute preparations, and shuffling of notes and solving papers.
Lord help me!
I can see, deleting and quitting IRC has immensely helped. But its my Lord's blessings that have worked really.
Lord,
keep me on the right path!
I know You love me...
and You want me to love all and one.
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Looaadss of Funnnn!!! 03.06.09
Being Posted in back date:
I just love my spirits when they are like this!!! I had heeeeeeeaps of Fun!!! Today was the completion of the path. I made garlands, arranged flowers, decorated walls, sang hymns (loads of them), and was almost infectious to everyone!!!
I as infected with laughter, fun, joy, and pleasure.............No! I was infected with BLISS!!! and Go - conscious Bliss is infectiousssss!!
We had lots of guests, and they all loved it! I loved the fasting, the prasadam, the singing, the japa, the chanting, the kirtana...........practically everything we did !!! and my role in it!!!
Thank You So Much GOD!!!
Lord,
I pray to Thee,
Please keep me blissful.
Bless me with Thy Holy name.
Please keep me humble,
May we keep playing love game.
Love of a soul to the super soul,
female to the Only Male in the Creation!!
Grow my love Lord,
deep within me.
make it humble,
as pride is unbecoming.
But, Most of ALL Lord!
Keep me loyal, though I may drift,
help me grow loyal to You.
Help me be humble,
to those advanced on the path Lord!!
Help me grow and find the Bliss!!!
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
I just love my spirits when they are like this!!! I had heeeeeeeaps of Fun!!! Today was the completion of the path. I made garlands, arranged flowers, decorated walls, sang hymns (loads of them), and was almost infectious to everyone!!!
I as infected with laughter, fun, joy, and pleasure.............No! I was infected with BLISS!!! and Go - conscious Bliss is infectiousssss!!
We had lots of guests, and they all loved it! I loved the fasting, the prasadam, the singing, the japa, the chanting, the kirtana...........practically everything we did !!! and my role in it!!!
Thank You So Much GOD!!!
Lord,
I pray to Thee,
Please keep me blissful.
Bless me with Thy Holy name.
Please keep me humble,
May we keep playing love game.
Love of a soul to the super soul,
female to the Only Male in the Creation!!
Grow my love Lord,
deep within me.
make it humble,
as pride is unbecoming.
But, Most of ALL Lord!
Keep me loyal, though I may drift,
help me grow loyal to You.
Help me be humble,
to those advanced on the path Lord!!
Help me grow and find the Bliss!!!
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
An Understanding re-imbibed
This was supposed to be written and posted on the 2nd late night. I was actually singing a portion from the Ramacharitamanas - The Daksha-Yagya Episode and Shiva - Parvati Vivaha.
How Sati argued with the Husband, Lord Shiva, went against His will, took the form of Sita, met Lord Rama, and He recognized Her, called Her Mother. How she came back to Shiva, convinced that Lord Rama was the Eternal Head of The Godhead. The way Shiva meditated and found out how she had teted Rama, and His non-acceptance of the Lady henceforth. Sati's regret!
Her hearing that Her father is organising a huge Yajna. Her request to Shiva to go there, His denial to go uninvited, Her conviction that Her dad's place is ok to go even if not invited, and Her going there. She gets agitated there to see Her Husband's place amongst all other Gods/Demigods is no where.
Her getting angry, involing Yoga agni within her and burning herself alive. Shiva's anger, His destrying of the Daksha-Yajna and going to Samadhi!!
Reincarnation of Sati as Parvati, doing Tapasya to marry Shiva, Her immense faith and devotion to Shiva, and the fact that she cannot stand any of His comparisons, and through all obstacles her marriage to Shiva.
P.S. some may find this story tough, if they aren't well acquainted with Hindu mythology. Contact me for details please
........................ This is the story............. My Understanding was thus, and that evening as I read it and sang it again, I re-imbibed the understanding as follows....
1. Husband's qualities........He should inspire His wife to a devotional Life....not lust, guide her when needed, and yet leave to her the freedom of final decision.
2. Wife's qualities......... Obedient, humble, devoted. BUT BUT BUT.............TO THE RIGHT HUSBAND........
3.Couple's qualities...... co-operative, loving and caring.
Add On:
Siva is an ardent devotee of Lord Rama, while The Lord glorifies Shiva for His devotion.
Sati is here an example to how the judgment of a wise husband(its about the body, conceptually we're all souls)should be adhered to, though they may sound unpleasant.
Siva examplifies, how a husband should ultimately give a wife her space, and not IMPOSE decisions on her.
I do not see it as conservative except that it's from a religious background incident. I might not have been able to clarify everything, I wish I could do that better :)
and yes, I realised that I still LOVE singing, and showing off !!! and I love myself for the gifts God has bestowed upon me and when I can use them in His service in any form. I love myself as God's very very gifted child!!! :)
How Sati argued with the Husband, Lord Shiva, went against His will, took the form of Sita, met Lord Rama, and He recognized Her, called Her Mother. How she came back to Shiva, convinced that Lord Rama was the Eternal Head of The Godhead. The way Shiva meditated and found out how she had teted Rama, and His non-acceptance of the Lady henceforth. Sati's regret!
Her hearing that Her father is organising a huge Yajna. Her request to Shiva to go there, His denial to go uninvited, Her conviction that Her dad's place is ok to go even if not invited, and Her going there. She gets agitated there to see Her Husband's place amongst all other Gods/Demigods is no where.
Her getting angry, involing Yoga agni within her and burning herself alive. Shiva's anger, His destrying of the Daksha-Yajna and going to Samadhi!!
Reincarnation of Sati as Parvati, doing Tapasya to marry Shiva, Her immense faith and devotion to Shiva, and the fact that she cannot stand any of His comparisons, and through all obstacles her marriage to Shiva.
P.S. some may find this story tough, if they aren't well acquainted with Hindu mythology. Contact me for details please
........................ This is the story............. My Understanding was thus, and that evening as I read it and sang it again, I re-imbibed the understanding as follows....
1. Husband's qualities........He should inspire His wife to a devotional Life....not lust, guide her when needed, and yet leave to her the freedom of final decision.
2. Wife's qualities......... Obedient, humble, devoted. BUT BUT BUT.............TO THE RIGHT HUSBAND........
3.Couple's qualities...... co-operative, loving and caring.
Add On:
Siva is an ardent devotee of Lord Rama, while The Lord glorifies Shiva for His devotion.
Sati is here an example to how the judgment of a wise husband(its about the body, conceptually we're all souls)should be adhered to, though they may sound unpleasant.
Siva examplifies, how a husband should ultimately give a wife her space, and not IMPOSE decisions on her.
I do not see it as conservative except that it's from a religious background incident. I might not have been able to clarify everything, I wish I could do that better :)
and yes, I realised that I still LOVE singing, and showing off !!! and I love myself for the gifts God has bestowed upon me and when I can use them in His service in any form. I love myself as God's very very gifted child!!! :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
At Peace Currently
Spoke to one of my old friends today, hadn't been speaking to him since past one and a half months.
Reason?
He thoughts that was best, and I didn't want to bug him or make him feel uncomfy, but I'm glad we spoke today. Even he called up today, and spoke for around 2 minutes.
I'm finally happy with friends around, and the depression in check. I didn't take the medicine regularly though. I guess, I can convince the Doctor to allow me to use it in SOS situation.
I finished off almost two books in past two days. I read Chetan Bhagat: The Three Mistakes of my life and almost finished reading Kiran Desai: The inheritance of Loss. Middlemarch by George Elliot is the first book that's really taken me so long to finish and am really looking forward to finish it off.
Am also studying well for my exam which adds to my sense of self esteem, and I don't think I need to change the way I speak, or the skills I have with language. Just because my language skills are more than average and I accept them, and just because I'm good at what I set my mind at, doesn't mean I'm boastful. I take them as facts, however somehow can't accept people criticising them for losses that might have been in my life.
I know people do have my best in their hearts, and I am thankful for their efforts to bring me out of certain things....but, I think, one day, I ghad to anyways move on, and so have I.
At times, my desires and longings are intense, and overwhelming, but.....1. My normal sunny season of the year is returning, and 2......... I'm working hard on it this time. This blog is not my way to portray myself to people, but rather more of a self-expression. This is a place, where I feel I can vent out my emotions, and feelings unchecked.
I have finished working on paper on the next post of Human rights, and expect to type it out in format soon. I have to soon start an article on Gandhian thought as well. I am finally looking forward to some creative and substancial writing rather than just my feelings and emotions.
Signing off for tonight with a small prayer.........
O Heavenly Father,
O Divine Mother,
Give me a speck of Your energy,
to keep myself devoted to a just cause,
which may be none, but a reflection of Your's.
Keep me on the path when I trod away from it....
The path....that You designed and determined for me.
If I budge,
bless me with strength,
or carry me in Your arms,
as You've always done.
Make me surrender to You in full wisdom and will.
Amen!
Post Script : I'm happy!!!!
I have a lot of thoughts in my mind today, racing like wild horses, but all positive in nature. So, I can't basically resist the temptation of putting them out here.
I'm positive about my mental faculties, and the level of effort I can put in. I agree, I often lack the will to put in efforts to channelise my energy well, but now my actual support circle revived, I'll be energetic again I know.
Also, looking from my past observations, June is the month when I generally start reviving from my annual depressive phase, so I know things will be going on fine finally. I am back to the 'I DON'T GIVE A DAMN TO ANYONE' mode about my decisions, choices, and career and study preferences, which I generally am at the beginning of every session. The only thing I need to do is to start getting towards the goal.
I actually got a complement today.....I'm tenacious! I know its got another interpretation as well, which probably won't show good on record, but then I was explained the context in which this was said, and coming from the one it came from, it makes me full of glee (am a big narcissist lol :) )
I have set a small target for myself today, and I WILL do it today. AT ANY COST! will disclose it once I have done it. am I sounding too energetic? Lol, its obvious! I'm happy!!!! So So happy!!!
Thank You God!!
A Small Prayer:
Lord!
Make this world a better place, for those whom we love, and those whom we can't.
For those whom we hate, and those whom we don't.
By, increasing our love for them, and reducing our hatred for them.
Lord,
Give us the love that's compassionate,
for, there are Those who don't/can't love us.
Make us thankful and not thankless.....
For there are those to whom we owe,
Those who love us, though we at times, do not love them.
Lord!
Make us not attached, merely loving.
Make us not detatched, just dispassionate.
Make us walk towards goodness,
with a smaile that may attract,
ourselves towards more, and others to You through us.
Lord!
Give us the strength,
to be happy, and to make others happy.
to be the change we want.
to be what You've destined usto be.
Lord!
Grant us wisdom,
so that we may understand Your choices and decisions better.
so that we may act to Your will.
so that we may bring more solace, to ourselves, and to others.
Lord!
Grant us love, peace, and harmony,
so that we may
reach unto You, through Your choicest sons and daughters.
Amen!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I have a Dream.......
An old song...... I don't remember the band, and my thanks to those who've made it...... loads of hope!!!
I remembered from past...because someone mentioned they have a dream.........
I have a Dream,
A song to sing.
To help me cope.....
with anything.
If you see the wonder, of the fairy tale.
You can take the future, even if you fail.
I believe in angels,
something good in everything I see.
I believe in angels,
when I know the time is right for me......
I'll cross the stream....
I have a dream.....
I have a Dream,
A fantasy.
To help me through...
Reality.
And my destination, makes it worth the while.
Pushing through the darkness, still another mile...
I believe in angels,
something good in everything I see.
I believe in angels,
when I know the time is right for me......
I'll cross the stream....
I have a dream.....
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Responsibility to Myself
I am ultimately responsible to myself, and irrespective of anyone's opinion, I know what I am up to, and how to change things...I WILL do so now, in the way best with me. without patronizing myself :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Get Lost!!!
All those feelings of loneliness, unfair treatment, self-pity, dependence and remorse..........I wish they would.......
GET LOST!!!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Relapse:
Relapse of the slavery and submission is heavy. Sexuality was but not any more, may be because my date is over. I'll still be reporting to H*.
Mom and dad met with an accident today. They are ok, not very hurt.
I am interacting with loads of people these days, forming my impressions, widening my arena of thoughts, living every moment as it comes, avoiding deliberately and desperately what I wish to, and in this effort taking up even things I don't want to.
Depression is relapsing too!!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Monday, May 18, 2009
Finally Relaxed
I am finally Home! I've made some good friends at work (students' forum) and at least I have people to talk to, though all of them are very very young, maximum 28.
I am doing nothing, but just relaxing and sleeping today.
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Day/Night Out
I am in a different town since today noon. I traveled from Home at 10 in the morning, and its now almost 12 midnight 17th my date/time. I'm happy to be here, and in this change. Attended a formal meeting, and worked hard, and then partied harder. I am actually glad to be here, working for this organisation, and I wish each day was the same. Every single day I wish!
Not only because I love this work, Yes that's one of the main reasons, but even a greater one is that it helps me block memories off.It helps me keep my mind off a few things that I don't want to think about.
Called 'him' up, and 'he' called me back for a single moment, just one minute and a few seconds, and said that he'd try to talk in the night, which I was sure he wouldn't, and he didn't. Not that it really affects me though.
I called up a friend too, and he'd been busy the whole day, so couldn't talk, another's father got discharged from the ER today, and another one called me up whilst I was with the others, and hence I couldn't attend the calls.
It feels good at times, to tell people that you're busy and that too because of a genuine reason. I think of not calling 'him' any more, and to take up the hints he tries giving me, but, I need more work to really keep me that busy.... at least till I find a new job. Let's see how it goes.
Help me God really!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Not only because I love this work, Yes that's one of the main reasons, but even a greater one is that it helps me block memories off.It helps me keep my mind off a few things that I don't want to think about.
Called 'him' up, and 'he' called me back for a single moment, just one minute and a few seconds, and said that he'd try to talk in the night, which I was sure he wouldn't, and he didn't. Not that it really affects me though.
I called up a friend too, and he'd been busy the whole day, so couldn't talk, another's father got discharged from the ER today, and another one called me up whilst I was with the others, and hence I couldn't attend the calls.
It feels good at times, to tell people that you're busy and that too because of a genuine reason. I think of not calling 'him' any more, and to take up the hints he tries giving me, but, I need more work to really keep me that busy.... at least till I find a new job. Let's see how it goes.
Help me God really!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
I know why.......
I am writing this blog earlier than the others..why? ...I'll be traveling tomorrow.......
I have decided that blogging is one thing that I'll be particular and regular about. I'll keep this one online ritual in my life, if none else..... Why? because I anyways would need to maintain a diary...a blog is easier to type than write in a notebook these days.
My writing habits are degenerating anyways...which I need to revive......but more than that....I need to keep the spirit of routine alive, at least in something.
I know I am improving....why.....because I want to....I'm desperate to.......to me the brighter is better than the darker....why because purity is what ultimately attracts me.......why, because I'm individuality!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
I have decided that blogging is one thing that I'll be particular and regular about. I'll keep this one online ritual in my life, if none else..... Why? because I anyways would need to maintain a diary...a blog is easier to type than write in a notebook these days.
My writing habits are degenerating anyways...which I need to revive......but more than that....I need to keep the spirit of routine alive, at least in something.
I know I am improving....why.....because I want to....I'm desperate to.......to me the brighter is better than the darker....why because purity is what ultimately attracts me.......why, because I'm individuality!!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Friday, May 15, 2009
I am what I am......... and happy
I am glad things are finally keeping me busy......... I've realised that inspite of my submissive side, I am very well in control..... at least about things that relate to myself, my family, my career.....I know at times it sounds like me, me me......... But, I know that's good at times.
I don't need to offer any explanations to anyone for that, and that's all.
Thank You God, for making me realise, grow, go through pain, and yet keep me smiling...... Bless All Lord!
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
I don't need to offer any explanations to anyone for that, and that's all.
Thank You God, for making me realise, grow, go through pain, and yet keep me smiling...... Bless All Lord!
Amen!
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Real and Online Lives
I sometimes feel its like fooling oneself when we classify the life into 'Real' and 'Online' types.
Isn't the time that I spend on Online, a part of those so 'Real' 24 hours? Oh yes, it very much is!
Then what Online and Real Life? Just because its a fantasy does it stop being a part of the reality that its my thought process...me.who's real?
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
The conspiracy of the universe
I wanted to be free! Desperately Free!! The universe conspired, and freed me!
My real life relationship broke! I was free from one attachment!
My IRC family, I left! Another Freedom!
But...... I was afraid of making new attachments, they were in process!
My IRC family, I left! Another Freedom!
But...... I was afraid of making new attachments, they were in process!
Some one spoke to hurt me, and Another bond broken!
My system crashed, all softwares uninstalled....... All Bonds Broken!
My system crashed, all softwares uninstalled....... All Bonds Broken!
Eventually they'll fade out! They all do in the end!
Am not exactly happy but Am satisfied.
I wanted satisfactory even if non-paying work, I wanted Friends, I wanted a social circle.......I got this wonderful organization!!!
And I now want a job to go along....... I know the Universe will conspire :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Monday, May 11, 2009
9 Posts deleted
There were times when I had ideas almost boiling up in my mind, and I started many posts, in order to complete them later, since the thoughts would race in my mind. However, I couldn't complete even a single one of them. Let alone completing them, I couldn't even write a single word in any of them.
Today I am deleting them all. They were under the following heads:
Religion v/s Spirituality
Impatience or Need
Senses, Ego, Mind and soul
Spiritualism v/s Materialism
kajira heart
what I seek
Fantasy v/s real life
The True desire
Real and virtual
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Mental Blockage, Emotional Baggage, and Thoughtlessness
I have started having a mental blockage that there aren't really many people who really are good.
An emotional baggage, that perhaps I'll never ever find my soul mate. I don't know why I am the way I am. Yearning to be at peace with my better half. I am restless..... at time like Athena of the Witch of Portobello, and at others like just myself. Running towards, and away from things.
I guess, this again an approaching height of my Mania, I've been observing the pattern. Initially lots of thoughts, then racy and now violently dashing.... gradually all getting so confused and muzzled up, till I fall in depression again. I am expecting a very severe depressive bout very soon.
Thank God! I know and understand most of my problem.
But, this state baffles me, and I try hard to write it out. What comes out is this limited stuff, neither elaborate, nor expressive enough as I want it to be.
Anyways.........
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I am Finally Free : No More Gor, No More Relationships...... Clean Life!
I am free, both in my real life, as well as online. No more collars, No more third person speech....I'm free to myself............ Liberated........ Resurrected
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Lonely again!
I'm so damn lonely again.....
I wish I had Him around......
I know He's just a friend... not always available anymore. just at times.......
©anu (Exploring Myself)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Explorations Ramblings: Part 1
Prologue:
This is a set of old posts that was on another blog of mine called the Explorations, and I have picked up the posts in the process of reducing my blog numbers to manageable.
Knowing Oneself : Unending Process Explorations about one’s reality, one’s place, one’s real identity takes a lot of effort, pain, pleasure, joy, grief, tears and smiles. The need for exploring has existence man has existed in various forms. What is however, important is that self exploration has not been left un-influenced by various factors like social and contemporary conditioning. With changing times, for different people and at different places the definition and the realization of one’s true self varies.
Again, out of many processes of self – realization, one may be suitable for a person, and not so suitable for another. What is to be understood in this case is that there is no standard or perfect way of realizing oneself, or of knowing one’s place. Also, one’s place in life consists of many aspects like, social, physical, scientific, cultural, philosophical, spiritual, psychological and emotional. So, there can be no standard as mentioned earlier. It has to be a tailor made process for each person, suited to her/his own needs. The basic requirement however, for anyone and everyone is to question, experiment, know, understand, justify and acknowledge one’s real self, and harmonize it within the living conditions.
Based on the above understanding, the girl’s task essay shall comprise of the following many sections:
p.s. this article would be part written in third person speech. Reason: it is written when this girl's mind is heavily influenced by the dynamics of Some Sci - Fi.
Explorations with Physical surroundings: Belonging to a place like India, the girl always observed women to be virtually submissive, serving in attitude and trying to lease everyone and enjoying their pleasures. Since early childhood, the girl observed that her mother served dad, family, elders of her dad’s family as per their requirements, needs and preferences. Happily satisfying her duties mom always seemed to enjoy serving the family, and for that matter even us kids.
Indian women, since early childhood, are trained to be pleasing and submissive, and the girl saw a perfect example in her mother. Though the girl’s father, mom, teachers, family and friends always wanted and expected girl to be a strong woman, in her heart she knew that she wanted to be a submissive one. She saw how her mother took decisions on behalf of her dad, and not as herself. She wanted to be the same, and this craving has been subconsciously well – embedded in girl’s mind.
Conclusion: the understanding in girl’s mind finally developed in a manner, in which a woman needs to be strong enough to decide when the deciding members of the family are not around. At the same time, she needs to be submissive and understanding enough so as to decide per preferences of people who matter and not her own whims and choices. It also gave her an understanding that a woman has to be pleasing, submissive and caring, but not an object to unnecessary vulnerability.
Experiences with Education: Taught in a Missionary girls’ school where there were no boys around, this girl remained ignorant of her womanhood and sensuality for quite long. However, she was a talented reader, writer, singer and speaker. So, away from her school, and even within it, she was very vocal, expressive and creative with words. Though her physical appearance was not too impressive, a short frame of 4’10” and spectacles with acne marked skin didn’t of course catch a lot of attention amidst, good looking, beautiful and gorgeous young women of her age, physically much more attractive.
Most of girl’s classmates had boyfriends around an age of 17-18, while girl has been a virgin till date. Reason? She always wanted to belong to her Husband (then she was not aware of the M/s dynamics) completely and honestly, without any extra attachments. Complete submission, morality and strength of character were what were taught to her. Though unaware of her sexual needs, she was pretty well aware of her sensuality and her attractive personality reflecting through her intellect, conversations and expressive creativity. Her expression always attracted people to her; however, her thought process always attracted elders more than peers.
Being a good student, and a multifaceted talented girl she always attracted mature and sincere people, which included mainly her teachers and parents. This cut her off from her own age group where probably she could have been exposed to the feminine and carnal needs of life.
After, completing her pre-school education till grade 10th, she started teaching and preparing for an entrance exam for Medical College. Constantly dropped four years and kept preparing, and every year, she kept failing the same for just a mark or two. Frustration developing out of material failures, and desire for a friend or a mentor with whom she could share herself, her feelings, her aspirations, frustrations and need for motivation kept growing all the time.
While teaching, she was teaching her immediate juniors, both guys and girls almost the same age. They used to share with this girl their problems, all sorts and all varieties, as a student would to teacher, as a younger bro or sis to an elder, as a mentee to a mentor. They probably didn’t realize that their teacher’s need to seek a mentor for herself was rising within herself, though she tried to prove a perfect guide, keeping them safe in whatever they did and however did with their partners.
At the same time, the girl kept a perfect distance and would never get involved with any student or his/her affairs directly.
There was practically a time and phase in her life, when she literally used to ask her fellow students if they could scold her as friends. She would request teachers to chastise her whenever she failed a test or scored lesser than 95%. And result? Nothing practically. People would always end up saying….”you’re mature enough. You don’t need to be scolded.” or, “Oh! C’mon you’re doing your level best. I know you’re sincere. Why should I scold you unnecessary?”
Conclusion: This phase in girl’s life taught her on one hand, that apart from good looks there’s a lot which can be found pleasing in a person. This phase gave her the honor, pride and morals that she holds. Sticking to one’s core values was what this phase taught her.
However, this phase kept her unaware of her feminine and carnal instincts. It did evolve her as a human being, but not as a woman. And, today, when the girl knows what D/s and M/s dynamics are, she can clearly see the traits of her need for domination in this phase, showing first of all.
Explorations with Religion and Philosophy: Since an early age, she was taught in her family, the ways, methods, philosophy and practices of her religion. Those practices made her realize that though in essence all living beings are spirit souls and that their “summum Bonum” is to serve God. However, the body of different people is different and to serve different purposes. She studied three basic schools of Philosophies and is putting the basics of Man-woman relations as highlighted in them respectively per their appeal and importance to her understanding.
i. Vaishnava Philosophy: A male body is by nature dominant, while a female is submissive. Hence, a female should surrender to the care, protection and guidance of a strong male with devotion. Polygyny is allowed, while polyandry isn’t. Also, the female has the responsibility of serving the Master (husband in this case) and His family.
On the other hand, the Master has the responsibility of protecting the wife, making her elevated spiritually, make her God conscious, nurture her to be a submissive and subservilient soul, inclined to please and serve elders and husband because God is pleased when a female body does this to her Husband and family’s body and that she gets blessings for the same. However, a woman is to be chaste and devoted to her husband.
Also, God is the supreme enjoyer and all souls are meant
ii. Mayavad: the impersonal philosophical school of Indian philosophy says that every soul is a part and parcel of God, and can reach to God’s status if practices certain rituals. This thought was not at all applicable to her, since it seemed like being rebellious and complaining of God, the Supreme and ultimate Enjoyer.
iii. Brief interaction with Christianity: her introduction with Christianity has been very brief, but she definitely understands the importance of submission to God’s will even there.
Conclusion: girl learnt from this aspect of her life, that her soul ultimately is God’s property, and hence she is ready to surrender only her mind, body, heart, and everything else, EXCEPT her soul. Her soul is what God, the supreme Master owns and He alone shall have it.
At the same time, the idea of male supremacy and female inferiority, so clearly visible in physical structure also fitted in morally, spiritually and religiously in place, to girl. This was the first time when she realized that her social, scientific and religious principles were more or less in harmony. This was when the girl realized her status fully in society, in whatever marriage she might enter and in her spiritual self.
Experiences within love relationships and friendships: With all these ideas, explorations, and learning, girl grew without exploring her feelings for a man. She did feel the need of one in her life, but that was more as a friend and less as the “someone special”. However, reflecting on her past life today, she feels that her first signs of submission were clearly revealed at that time. That was the time when she was preparing for pre medical examination. Hence, her repeated failures were basically making her vulnerable. Hence, the craving for a shoulder to lean on was increasing.
This was the first time, when she found a “someone special” online. She made a vanilla friend, who was a doctor. He proposed and she explained to Him clearly her real life circumstances, the current, constantly failing state of her real affairs and career. He still agreed. And a relationship began. For 2 years a relationship continued. Long distant relationship thrived through phone, emails, IM and sometimes with a cam. The cam helped them to realize the difference between a photo and the real face. They were happy. And then one fine day, the girl relocated to another town for her final attempt preparation and to study. And that was then when her beloved chose to come and meet her. He came, they met like friends, did not even touch each other, and when He left, she knew He’ll never return.
He stopped calling, the girl contacted, Him, His friends, Mutual friends, His cousins. They apologized on His behalf, and that was the first taste of whip or pain in love for this girl. It didn’t leave a welt or a bruise on her flesh, it left a permanent scar on her mind, heart and emotions.
He did not come ever again. He said He didn’t like the girl’s looks, the state of affairs she was in, and He said this when she was in a third town, all alone, with no one to support and pacify and hold her as she silently and endlessly wept. He said this in spite of the fact that He had seen the girl’s face repeatedly on cam. Despite knowing her state of affairs and the time she’ll take to settle possibly, He blamed her for being slow. And, the girl broke.
She had always wanted to surrender to that special some one completely, who would value her submission, understand the importance and value of her surrender. She hadn’t wanted a meek person being thankful and grateful. But a strong partner who wanted and demanded what was His, and then valued it as well. But, it seems her choice had been wrong.
Shattered emotionally, the girl wept for several days, changed 3 hostels and came across a spiritual cult related to Vaishnava Philosophy as discussed above. There she came to understand the difference between lust and love, and became almost paranoiac to love relationships, rather to almost any kind of relationships at all.
To help herself out of the deep depression that she had been repeatedly plunging into, after repeated confirmations of her bipolar since 2001, and without the support of ANY medication, she decided to make just casual friends. For the first time, it appeared that she needed friends. Now, since there was no school – time friendships to revive, so she had to choose and make new ones. Wherever it may be: at work, at study, or through websites. She joined some networking websites. However, result went in another direction as opposed to one she thought it would. She met wannabe friends, a whole lot who actually were flings and didn’t want real friendships.
Result: Initial frustration at not being able to find real friends. And to be able to find only 2 as against her expectations. However, those 2 are the ones that are cherished today. But, a surprising revelation of her feminity in the sense that it was for the first time in her life, when so many people treated her as a woman first rather than as a person.
Conclusion: This phase taught girl a couple of things. It revealed to her for the first time that she was a woman, capable of loving a Man (at least emotionally) and of desiring Him to be physically present around her.
Also, it revealed that there were people who were more concerned about what her body made her, rather than what her mind, talent, or attitude or learning made her.
Experiences with pleasure, pain and self – denial: Frustrated with the above series of events, the girl lurked to read love stories online for the first time. Against her usual taste for classics, science, philosophy, technology, the girl lurked for porn and erotica. However, the result was that her craving increased, and she didn’t really realize when she started Masturbating and how. Today, she knows that her way is not perfect, and she has never been able to really please herself. However, she tried to. However, she never reached an orgasm, and always ended up in tears, remembering the dead ends. She would seek for pleasure, and end up in immense emotional pain. And at the same time, those ferocious battles between the concepts of love and lust continued.
Result, she became paranoiac towards sex too. Stopped thinking, cut all online connection, avoided family, avoided friends, practically everything which wasn’t necessary for bare minimum survival. Became a workaholic, took up a job, 13-15 hrs at work, and 3-4 hrs of study during travel , and since she was staying alone she had to do chores and cook and all the rest, but she finally broke. Had a nervous breakdown, quit the job and returned home.
Conclusion: experience of pleasure with pain and vice – versa. She learnt how we enjoy thinking about things that hurt and how we’re hurt by things that we think we might enjoy.
Self – denial doesn’t help. This was another lesson this phase taught her. It frustrates even more and adds to the pile.
The self exploration has continued and shall continued even if its not shared with anyone for reasons we all know :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
This is a set of old posts that was on another blog of mine called the Explorations, and I have picked up the posts in the process of reducing my blog numbers to manageable.
Knowing Oneself : Unending Process Explorations about one’s reality, one’s place, one’s real identity takes a lot of effort, pain, pleasure, joy, grief, tears and smiles. The need for exploring has existence man has existed in various forms. What is however, important is that self exploration has not been left un-influenced by various factors like social and contemporary conditioning. With changing times, for different people and at different places the definition and the realization of one’s true self varies.
Again, out of many processes of self – realization, one may be suitable for a person, and not so suitable for another. What is to be understood in this case is that there is no standard or perfect way of realizing oneself, or of knowing one’s place. Also, one’s place in life consists of many aspects like, social, physical, scientific, cultural, philosophical, spiritual, psychological and emotional. So, there can be no standard as mentioned earlier. It has to be a tailor made process for each person, suited to her/his own needs. The basic requirement however, for anyone and everyone is to question, experiment, know, understand, justify and acknowledge one’s real self, and harmonize it within the living conditions.
Based on the above understanding, the girl’s task essay shall comprise of the following many sections:
p.s. this article would be part written in third person speech. Reason: it is written when this girl's mind is heavily influenced by the dynamics of Some Sci - Fi.
Explorations with Physical surroundings: Belonging to a place like India, the girl always observed women to be virtually submissive, serving in attitude and trying to lease everyone and enjoying their pleasures. Since early childhood, the girl observed that her mother served dad, family, elders of her dad’s family as per their requirements, needs and preferences. Happily satisfying her duties mom always seemed to enjoy serving the family, and for that matter even us kids.
Indian women, since early childhood, are trained to be pleasing and submissive, and the girl saw a perfect example in her mother. Though the girl’s father, mom, teachers, family and friends always wanted and expected girl to be a strong woman, in her heart she knew that she wanted to be a submissive one. She saw how her mother took decisions on behalf of her dad, and not as herself. She wanted to be the same, and this craving has been subconsciously well – embedded in girl’s mind.
Conclusion: the understanding in girl’s mind finally developed in a manner, in which a woman needs to be strong enough to decide when the deciding members of the family are not around. At the same time, she needs to be submissive and understanding enough so as to decide per preferences of people who matter and not her own whims and choices. It also gave her an understanding that a woman has to be pleasing, submissive and caring, but not an object to unnecessary vulnerability.
Experiences with Education: Taught in a Missionary girls’ school where there were no boys around, this girl remained ignorant of her womanhood and sensuality for quite long. However, she was a talented reader, writer, singer and speaker. So, away from her school, and even within it, she was very vocal, expressive and creative with words. Though her physical appearance was not too impressive, a short frame of 4’10” and spectacles with acne marked skin didn’t of course catch a lot of attention amidst, good looking, beautiful and gorgeous young women of her age, physically much more attractive.
Most of girl’s classmates had boyfriends around an age of 17-18, while girl has been a virgin till date. Reason? She always wanted to belong to her Husband (then she was not aware of the M/s dynamics) completely and honestly, without any extra attachments. Complete submission, morality and strength of character were what were taught to her. Though unaware of her sexual needs, she was pretty well aware of her sensuality and her attractive personality reflecting through her intellect, conversations and expressive creativity. Her expression always attracted people to her; however, her thought process always attracted elders more than peers.
Being a good student, and a multifaceted talented girl she always attracted mature and sincere people, which included mainly her teachers and parents. This cut her off from her own age group where probably she could have been exposed to the feminine and carnal needs of life.
After, completing her pre-school education till grade 10th, she started teaching and preparing for an entrance exam for Medical College. Constantly dropped four years and kept preparing, and every year, she kept failing the same for just a mark or two. Frustration developing out of material failures, and desire for a friend or a mentor with whom she could share herself, her feelings, her aspirations, frustrations and need for motivation kept growing all the time.
While teaching, she was teaching her immediate juniors, both guys and girls almost the same age. They used to share with this girl their problems, all sorts and all varieties, as a student would to teacher, as a younger bro or sis to an elder, as a mentee to a mentor. They probably didn’t realize that their teacher’s need to seek a mentor for herself was rising within herself, though she tried to prove a perfect guide, keeping them safe in whatever they did and however did with their partners.
At the same time, the girl kept a perfect distance and would never get involved with any student or his/her affairs directly.
There was practically a time and phase in her life, when she literally used to ask her fellow students if they could scold her as friends. She would request teachers to chastise her whenever she failed a test or scored lesser than 95%. And result? Nothing practically. People would always end up saying….”you’re mature enough. You don’t need to be scolded.” or, “Oh! C’mon you’re doing your level best. I know you’re sincere. Why should I scold you unnecessary?”
Conclusion: This phase in girl’s life taught her on one hand, that apart from good looks there’s a lot which can be found pleasing in a person. This phase gave her the honor, pride and morals that she holds. Sticking to one’s core values was what this phase taught her.
However, this phase kept her unaware of her feminine and carnal instincts. It did evolve her as a human being, but not as a woman. And, today, when the girl knows what D/s and M/s dynamics are, she can clearly see the traits of her need for domination in this phase, showing first of all.
Explorations with Religion and Philosophy: Since an early age, she was taught in her family, the ways, methods, philosophy and practices of her religion. Those practices made her realize that though in essence all living beings are spirit souls and that their “summum Bonum” is to serve God. However, the body of different people is different and to serve different purposes. She studied three basic schools of Philosophies and is putting the basics of Man-woman relations as highlighted in them respectively per their appeal and importance to her understanding.
i. Vaishnava Philosophy: A male body is by nature dominant, while a female is submissive. Hence, a female should surrender to the care, protection and guidance of a strong male with devotion. Polygyny is allowed, while polyandry isn’t. Also, the female has the responsibility of serving the Master (husband in this case) and His family.
On the other hand, the Master has the responsibility of protecting the wife, making her elevated spiritually, make her God conscious, nurture her to be a submissive and subservilient soul, inclined to please and serve elders and husband because God is pleased when a female body does this to her Husband and family’s body and that she gets blessings for the same. However, a woman is to be chaste and devoted to her husband.
Also, God is the supreme enjoyer and all souls are meant
ii. Mayavad: the impersonal philosophical school of Indian philosophy says that every soul is a part and parcel of God, and can reach to God’s status if practices certain rituals. This thought was not at all applicable to her, since it seemed like being rebellious and complaining of God, the Supreme and ultimate Enjoyer.
iii. Brief interaction with Christianity: her introduction with Christianity has been very brief, but she definitely understands the importance of submission to God’s will even there.
Conclusion: girl learnt from this aspect of her life, that her soul ultimately is God’s property, and hence she is ready to surrender only her mind, body, heart, and everything else, EXCEPT her soul. Her soul is what God, the supreme Master owns and He alone shall have it.
At the same time, the idea of male supremacy and female inferiority, so clearly visible in physical structure also fitted in morally, spiritually and religiously in place, to girl. This was the first time when she realized that her social, scientific and religious principles were more or less in harmony. This was when the girl realized her status fully in society, in whatever marriage she might enter and in her spiritual self.
Experiences within love relationships and friendships: With all these ideas, explorations, and learning, girl grew without exploring her feelings for a man. She did feel the need of one in her life, but that was more as a friend and less as the “someone special”. However, reflecting on her past life today, she feels that her first signs of submission were clearly revealed at that time. That was the time when she was preparing for pre medical examination. Hence, her repeated failures were basically making her vulnerable. Hence, the craving for a shoulder to lean on was increasing.
This was the first time, when she found a “someone special” online. She made a vanilla friend, who was a doctor. He proposed and she explained to Him clearly her real life circumstances, the current, constantly failing state of her real affairs and career. He still agreed. And a relationship began. For 2 years a relationship continued. Long distant relationship thrived through phone, emails, IM and sometimes with a cam. The cam helped them to realize the difference between a photo and the real face. They were happy. And then one fine day, the girl relocated to another town for her final attempt preparation and to study. And that was then when her beloved chose to come and meet her. He came, they met like friends, did not even touch each other, and when He left, she knew He’ll never return.
He stopped calling, the girl contacted, Him, His friends, Mutual friends, His cousins. They apologized on His behalf, and that was the first taste of whip or pain in love for this girl. It didn’t leave a welt or a bruise on her flesh, it left a permanent scar on her mind, heart and emotions.
He did not come ever again. He said He didn’t like the girl’s looks, the state of affairs she was in, and He said this when she was in a third town, all alone, with no one to support and pacify and hold her as she silently and endlessly wept. He said this in spite of the fact that He had seen the girl’s face repeatedly on cam. Despite knowing her state of affairs and the time she’ll take to settle possibly, He blamed her for being slow. And, the girl broke.
She had always wanted to surrender to that special some one completely, who would value her submission, understand the importance and value of her surrender. She hadn’t wanted a meek person being thankful and grateful. But a strong partner who wanted and demanded what was His, and then valued it as well. But, it seems her choice had been wrong.
Shattered emotionally, the girl wept for several days, changed 3 hostels and came across a spiritual cult related to Vaishnava Philosophy as discussed above. There she came to understand the difference between lust and love, and became almost paranoiac to love relationships, rather to almost any kind of relationships at all.
To help herself out of the deep depression that she had been repeatedly plunging into, after repeated confirmations of her bipolar since 2001, and without the support of ANY medication, she decided to make just casual friends. For the first time, it appeared that she needed friends. Now, since there was no school – time friendships to revive, so she had to choose and make new ones. Wherever it may be: at work, at study, or through websites. She joined some networking websites. However, result went in another direction as opposed to one she thought it would. She met wannabe friends, a whole lot who actually were flings and didn’t want real friendships.
Result: Initial frustration at not being able to find real friends. And to be able to find only 2 as against her expectations. However, those 2 are the ones that are cherished today. But, a surprising revelation of her feminity in the sense that it was for the first time in her life, when so many people treated her as a woman first rather than as a person.
Conclusion: This phase taught girl a couple of things. It revealed to her for the first time that she was a woman, capable of loving a Man (at least emotionally) and of desiring Him to be physically present around her.
Also, it revealed that there were people who were more concerned about what her body made her, rather than what her mind, talent, or attitude or learning made her.
Experiences with pleasure, pain and self – denial: Frustrated with the above series of events, the girl lurked to read love stories online for the first time. Against her usual taste for classics, science, philosophy, technology, the girl lurked for porn and erotica. However, the result was that her craving increased, and she didn’t really realize when she started Masturbating and how. Today, she knows that her way is not perfect, and she has never been able to really please herself. However, she tried to. However, she never reached an orgasm, and always ended up in tears, remembering the dead ends. She would seek for pleasure, and end up in immense emotional pain. And at the same time, those ferocious battles between the concepts of love and lust continued.
Result, she became paranoiac towards sex too. Stopped thinking, cut all online connection, avoided family, avoided friends, practically everything which wasn’t necessary for bare minimum survival. Became a workaholic, took up a job, 13-15 hrs at work, and 3-4 hrs of study during travel , and since she was staying alone she had to do chores and cook and all the rest, but she finally broke. Had a nervous breakdown, quit the job and returned home.
Conclusion: experience of pleasure with pain and vice – versa. She learnt how we enjoy thinking about things that hurt and how we’re hurt by things that we think we might enjoy.
Self – denial doesn’t help. This was another lesson this phase taught her. It frustrates even more and adds to the pile.
The self exploration has continued and shall continued even if its not shared with anyone for reasons we all know :)
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Ramblings about Human Rights: 1
History 500B.C. -1,000 A.D.
Of this period in History, the notable document is:
History of Human Rights: Ancient
The belief that everyone by the virtue of her/his humanity, is entitled to certain human rights is fairly new. Its roots However, lie in the earlier tradition and documents of many cultures.It took the catalyst of the 2nd World War, to propel the Human Rights onto the global stage and into the global conscience.
Throughout much of History, people acquired rights and responsibilities through their membership in a group - a family, indigenous nation, religion, class, community or state. Most societies had traditions similar to the "Golden Rule" of "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you".
Sarve Bhadrani Pashyantu, Ma Kashchid Dukh Bhagbhavet.
May all being be happy, may they all be healthy.
May everyone see(experience) good and may none suffer from Misrey!
This is a clear cut desire and prayer for the fundamental rights along with the very essential moral,natural, emotional and basic rights. In short, this prayer indicates the very essence of Human Rights, as we understand them today.
Human Rights become enforceable when they are codified as conventions, covenants or treaties; or when they become recognised as Custoary International Laws. Introduction Human rights have been called by different names and have existed in various forms.The history dates back as old as the existence of civilized man does.
However, what is different is that what was "Natural Laws" at a time, has now evolved to include even abstract components like Moral laws, ethical laws and other subtle concepts.
I shall in this essay, first define what human rights are and then understand the origin, history and evolution of the concept. We often observe that Human rights vary on the basis of age, gender, religion, caste, creed, community and nationality. Even with the same fundaments, the specifications differ.
Belonging to India, I shall also try to trace very specifically the chronology of Human Rights in India. This is basically for understanding and appreciating the Rights Indians have gained over years.
To be contd....
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Of this period in History, the notable document is:
- The Cyrus Cylinder of 539 B.C. A declaration of intentions by the Persian Emperor Cyrus the Great, after his conquest of Neo-Babylonian Empire.
- The edicts of Ashoka issued by Ashoka the Great, between 272-231 B.C.
- The Constitution of Medina of 622 A.D. drafted by Hazrat Muhammad to mark a formal agreement between all significant tribes and families of Yathrib including Muslim, Jews and Pagans.
History of Human Rights: Ancient
The belief that everyone by the virtue of her/his humanity, is entitled to certain human rights is fairly new. Its roots However, lie in the earlier tradition and documents of many cultures.It took the catalyst of the 2nd World War, to propel the Human Rights onto the global stage and into the global conscience.
Throughout much of History, people acquired rights and responsibilities through their membership in a group - a family, indigenous nation, religion, class, community or state. Most societies had traditions similar to the "Golden Rule" of "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you".
- The oldest available literature, The Vedas, clearly advocate human rights in the following text:
Sarve Bhadrani Pashyantu, Ma Kashchid Dukh Bhagbhavet.
May all being be happy, may they all be healthy.
May everyone see(experience) good and may none suffer from Misrey!
This is a clear cut desire and prayer for the fundamental rights along with the very essential moral,natural, emotional and basic rights. In short, this prayer indicates the very essence of Human Rights, as we understand them today.
- The Babylonian Code of Hamurabi - was created by the Sumerian Kings around 4,000 years ago.Though barbaric with respect to the present day civilisation it was one of the precedants of coded legal system. The Bible, The Koran and the Analects of Confuscious - Along with the Vedas, and The Hamurabi Code, The Bible, Koran and Analects of Confuscious, form the 5 oldest written sources which address the questions about people's duties, responsibilities and rights. In addition to these, Inca and Aztec codes of conduct and justice and an eroquous construction were Native American Sources well existent before 18th Century. Concept: Human rights refer to the "basic rights and freedoms to which all humans are entitled". The concept expands to engulf: Civil and Political Rights - such as the right to life and liberty, freedom of expression, equality before law etc. Social, Cultural and Economic Rights - include the right to food, work, education and the right to participate in culture. The human rights are the rights to which people are entitled simply because they are humans, irrespective of their citizenship, nationality, race, ethnicity, language, gender, sexuality or abilities.
Human Rights become enforceable when they are codified as conventions, covenants or treaties; or when they become recognised as Custoary International Laws. Introduction Human rights have been called by different names and have existed in various forms.The history dates back as old as the existence of civilized man does.
However, what is different is that what was "Natural Laws" at a time, has now evolved to include even abstract components like Moral laws, ethical laws and other subtle concepts.
I shall in this essay, first define what human rights are and then understand the origin, history and evolution of the concept. We often observe that Human rights vary on the basis of age, gender, religion, caste, creed, community and nationality. Even with the same fundaments, the specifications differ.
Belonging to India, I shall also try to trace very specifically the chronology of Human Rights in India. This is basically for understanding and appreciating the Rights Indians have gained over years.
To be contd....
©anu (Exploring Myself)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
My perception and understanding of my culture : 1.
Indian culture, perhaps is one of the oldest, richest, and the most diverse cultures of the world. However, what is important to realise is that it is both alive and dead at the same time. Dead, in the sense, it holds to certain unnecessary values, and ethics like a miser, and alive, very much in the sense, that though slow, it does absorb changes.
I am not a Historian, but would try to share with You my perception of the changes it underwent, in the following aspects of life:1. Historically2. Philosophically3. Morally4. Socially5. Sexually6.Any other that I may think of.....
Historically : Unlike major western cultures, Indian culture has seen a long span of centuries, and has undergone major changes, at different times in its History. For eg. whilst there was an era when the kamasutra was written, there was as well, an era when all sexuality was prohibited. Reasons: Historical: attacks by Mongols, Huns, etc. Philosophical: Overemphasis on restraining one's desire. Development of Religious sects like Jainism, and Buddhism, Socio - Psychological: over - possessiveness about the women folk, which was initially born out of respect, love and courtsey, and submission of women, which got later perverted to forceful ownership.While there was an era, when the town - bride (the most beautiful woman of the town was made available for the pleasure of all who could pay), were immensely respected and cherished, the Indian culture in its development has also seen an era, in which, women, were treated as merely a chattel, the worst part of it being forceful, and not consensual.Whilst with foreign invasion, there was a class of people who loathed the inter - racial marriages, and widow burning (the sati - pratha prevalent), there was also another class of people and thinkers who brought social reforms, like woman education (formal education) and widow - remarriage.
*Extra note*: Sometimes, when I discuss my perception, of Indian clture, people feel that I am a feminist. However, my stand about this is that Indian culture is basically a Humanist culture. It tends and caters to the needs of humans, before a Man or a Woman. However, as compared to many other cultures, it focuses more* on the difference in needs based on the gender of the individual, and also based on the aptitude and attitude of the gender.
To be contd.......
©anu (Exploring Myself)
I am not a Historian, but would try to share with You my perception of the changes it underwent, in the following aspects of life:1. Historically2. Philosophically3. Morally4. Socially5. Sexually6.Any other that I may think of.....
Historically : Unlike major western cultures, Indian culture has seen a long span of centuries, and has undergone major changes, at different times in its History. For eg. whilst there was an era when the kamasutra was written, there was as well, an era when all sexuality was prohibited. Reasons: Historical: attacks by Mongols, Huns, etc. Philosophical: Overemphasis on restraining one's desire. Development of Religious sects like Jainism, and Buddhism, Socio - Psychological: over - possessiveness about the women folk, which was initially born out of respect, love and courtsey, and submission of women, which got later perverted to forceful ownership.While there was an era, when the town - bride (the most beautiful woman of the town was made available for the pleasure of all who could pay), were immensely respected and cherished, the Indian culture in its development has also seen an era, in which, women, were treated as merely a chattel, the worst part of it being forceful, and not consensual.Whilst with foreign invasion, there was a class of people who loathed the inter - racial marriages, and widow burning (the sati - pratha prevalent), there was also another class of people and thinkers who brought social reforms, like woman education (formal education) and widow - remarriage.
*Extra note*: Sometimes, when I discuss my perception, of Indian clture, people feel that I am a feminist. However, my stand about this is that Indian culture is basically a Humanist culture. It tends and caters to the needs of humans, before a Man or a Woman. However, as compared to many other cultures, it focuses more* on the difference in needs based on the gender of the individual, and also based on the aptitude and attitude of the gender.
To be contd.......
©anu (Exploring Myself)
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