Thursday, August 26, 2010

Me and the Love of my Life

Oh ! I just love this city. No matter how many days, how many times, I just can't stop loving Delhi.

So, I headed on the 18th. traveled and reached Ggn to stay with a friend, warm, welcoming and caring. To watch movies, have food and talk talk and talk endlessly. Only to be dropped at Trident the next day.

Boy! I was nervous. And in Love with the place. The wilderness of the organisation, the organisation in the chaos. I was just in love with the backyard and the woods (more garden-ish in nature but with a wild streak) and the delicious litchi ice-tea.

Back to my temple, my friends and my second Love. (My First Love is books :P ) Interviewed and got a job which I am not taking up. Some more friends, relatives, fun, feasting, shopping (did I shop? now what? books for my bro lol). Some more fun, some online time and some more fun and lots more before I departed.

Now, I know I have written this post without the real spirit, but then I just wanted the basics to be here, before I forgot them.

And oh yes, the Royal Goofup!!! My ticket was booked for Jaipur rather than Home and then had to buy a new ticket :D

Detailed stories coming soon, till then, stay tuned!!! :)

Love
©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A ray of Light

http://www.sapphyr.net/women/helenkeller.htm


Who Was Helen Keller?


Helen Keller was a remarkable woman, born in 1880 and died in 1968 at the age of 88. At age two, she contracted an illness that left her blind, deaf, unable to speak, and was considered backwards of intelligence. She lived in a dark and hopeless world of her own, until age 7, when she was placed in the care of her teacher, Anne Sullivan. Through being taught letters spelt out in her hand, she came to realise the correlation between those words and their meaning. From then on, using her dogged persistence, she went on to bring forth her intellectual and emotional abilities, being an avid learner, and despite the social obstacles of her time, became the first deaf/blind person to graduate from college. As an adult, she travelled the world, campaigned for civil rights, world peace, human dignity and women's rights, and authored many books and essays. She became a prominent figure in her lifetime, whose accomplishments attracted awe, respect, admiration and inspiration.


The Life of Helen Keller
(Source: http://www.afb.org/)

The story of Helen Keller is the story of a child who, at the age of 18 months, was suddenly shut off from the world, but who, against overwhelming odds, waged a slow, hard, but successful battle to reenter that same world. The inarticulate little deaf and blind girl grew into a highly intelligent and sensitive woman who wrote, spoke, and labored incessantly for the betterment of others. So powerful a symbol of triumph over adversity did she become that she has a definite place in the history of our time and of times to come.
Helen Adams Keller was born, physically whole and healthy, in Tuscumbia, Alabama on June 27, 1880 in a white, frame cottage called "Ivy Green." On her father's side she was descended from Alexander Spottswood, a colonial governor of Virginia, and connected with the Lees and other Southern families. On her mother's side, she was related to a number of prominent New England families, including the Hales, the Everetts, and the Adamses. Her father, Captain Arthur Keller, was the editor of a newspaper, the North Alabamian. Captain Keller also had a strong interest in public life and was an influential figure in his own community. In 1885, under the Cleveland administration, he was appointed Marshal of North Alabama.

The illness that struck the infant Helen Keller and left her deaf and blind, was diagnosed as brain fever at the time; perhaps it was scarlet fever. Popular belief had it that the disease left its victim an idiot. And as Helen Keller grew from infancy into childhood, wild, unruly, and with little real understanding of the world around her, this belief was seemingly confirmed.

Helen Keller's real life began on a March day in 1887 when she was a few months short of seven years old. On that day, which Miss Keller was always to call "The most important day I can remember in my life," Anne Mansfield Sullivan came to Tuscumbia to be her teacher. Miss Sullivan, a 20-year-old graduate of the Perkins School for the Blind, who had regained useful sight through a series of operations, had come to the Kellers through the sympathetic interest of Alexander Graham Bell. From that fateful day, the two--teacher and pupil--were inseparable until the death of the former in 1936.

How Miss Sullivan turned the near savage child into a responsible human being and succeeded in awakening her marvelous mind is familiar to millions, most notably through William Gibson's play and film, The Miracle Worker, Miss Keller's autobiography of her early years, The Story of My Life, and Joseph Lash's Helen and Teacher.

Miss Sullivan began her task with a doll the children at Perkins had made for her to take to Helen. By spelling "d-o-l-l" into the child's hand, she hoped to teach her to connect objects with letters. Helen quickly learned to make the letters correctly, but did not know she was spelling a word, or that words existed. In the days that followed she learned to spell a great many more words in this uncomprehending way.

One day she and "Teacher"--as Helen always called her--went to the outdoor pump. Miss Sullivan started to draw water and put Helen's hand under the spout. As the cool water gushed over one hand, she spelled into the other the word "w-a-t-e-r" first slowly, then rapidly. Suddenly, the signals had meaning in Helen's mind. She knew that "water" meant the wonderful cool something flowing over her hand. Quickly, she stopped and touched the earth and demanded its letter name and by nightfall she had learned 30 words.

Thus began Helen Keller's education. She proceeded quickly to master the alphabet, both manual and in raised print for blind readers, and gained facility in reading and writing. In 1890, when she was just 10, she expressed a desire to learn to speak. Somehow she had found out that a little deaf-blind girl in Norway had acquired that ability. Miss Sarah Fuller of the Horace Mann School was her first speech teacher.

Even when she was a little girl, Helen Keller said, "Someday I shall go to college." And go to college she did. In 1898 she entered the Cambridge School for Young Ladies to prepare for Radcliffe College. She entered Radcliffe in the fall of 1900 and received her bachelor of arts degree cum laude in 1904. Throughout these years and until her own death in 1936, Anne Sullivan was always by Helen's side, laboriously spelling book after book and lecture after lecture, into her pupil's hand.

Helen Keller's formal schooling ended when she received her B.A. degree, but throughout her life she continued to study and stayed informed on all matters of importance to modern people. In recognition of her wide knowledge and many scholarly achievements, she received honorary doctoral degrees from Temple University and Harvard University and from the Universities of Glasgow, Scotland; Berlin, Germany; Delhi, India; and Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa. She was also an Honorary Fellow of the Educational Institute of Scotland.

Anne Sullivan's marriage, in 1905, to John Macy, an eminent critic and prominent socialist, caused no change in the teacher-pupil relationship. Helen went to live with the Macys and both husband and wife unstintingly gave their time to help her with her studies and other activities.

While still a student at Radcliffe, Helen Keller began a writing career that was to continue on and off for 50 years. In 1902, The Story of My Life, which had first appeared in serial form in the Ladies Home Journal, appeared in book form. This was always to be the most popular of her works and today is available in more than 50 languages, including Marathi, Pushtu, Tagalog, and Vedu. It is also available in several paperback editions in this country.

Miss Keller's other published works include Optimism, an essay; The World I Live In; The Song of the Stone Wall; Out of the Dark; My Religion; Midstream--My Later Life; Peace at Eventide; Helen Keller in Scotland; Helen Keller's Journal; Let Us Have Faith; Teacher, Anne Sullivan Macy; and The Open Door.

In addition, she was a frequent contributor to magazines and newspapers, writing most frequently on blindness, deafness, socialism, social issues, and women's rights. She used a braille typewriter to prepare her manuscripts and then copied them on a regular typewriter.

During her lifetime, Helen Keller received awards of great distinction too numerous to recount fully here. An entire room, called the Helen Keller Room, is devoted to their display at the American Foundation for the Blind in New York City. These awards include Brazil's Order of the Southern Cross; Japan's Sacred Treasure; the Philippines' Golden Heart; Lebanon's Gold Medal of Merit; and her own country's highest honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Most of these awards were bestowed on her in recognition of the stimulation her example and presence gave to work for the blind in those countries. In 1933 she was elected to membership in the National Institute of Arts and Letters. During the Louis Braille Centennial Commemoration in 1952, Miss Keller was made a Chevalier of the French Legion of Honor at a ceremony in the Sorbonne.

On the 50th anniversary of her graduation, Radcliffe College granted her its Alumnae Achievement Award. Her Alma Mater also showed its pride in her by dedicating the Helen Keller Garden in her honor and by naming a fountain in the garden for Anne Sullivan Macy.

Miss Keller also received the Americas Award for Inter-American Unity, the Gold Medal Award from the National Institute of Social Sciences, the National Humanitarian Award from Variety Clubs International, and many others. She held honorary memberships in scientific societies and philanthropic organizations throughout the world.

Yet another honor came to Helen Keller in 1954 when her birthplace, "Ivy Green," in Tuscumbia, was made a permanent shrine. It was dedicated on May 7, 1954 with officials of the American Foundation for the Blind and many other agencies and organizations present. In conjunction with this event, the premiere of Miss Keller's film biography, "The Unconquered," produced by Nancy Hamilton and narrated by Katharine Cornell, was held in the nearby city of Birmingham. The film was later renamed "Helen Keller in Her Story" and in 1955 won an "Oscar"--the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences award as the best feature-length documentary film of the year.

Miss Keller was indirectly responsible for two other "Oscars" a few years later when Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke won them for their portrayals of Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller in the film version of "The Miracle Worker."

More rewarding to her than the many honors she received, were the acquaintances and friendships Helen Keller made with most of the leading personalities of her time. There were few world figures, from Grover Cleveland to Charlie Chaplin, Nehru, and John F. Kennedy, whom she did not meet. And many, among them Katharine Cornell, Van Wyck Brooks, Alexander Graham Bell, and Jo Davidson, she counted as friends. Two friends from her early youth, Mark Twain and William James, expressed beautifully what most of her friends felt about her. Mark Twain said, "The two most interesting characters of the 19th century are Napoleon and Helen Keller." William James wrote, "But whatever you were or are, you're a blessing!"

As broad and wide ranging as her interests were, Helen Keller never lost sight of the needs of her fellow blind and deaf-blind. From her youth, she was always willing to help them by appearing before legislatures, giving lectures, writing articles, and above all, by her own example of what a severely handicapped person could accomplish. When the American Foundation for the Blind, the national clearinghouse for information on blindness, was established in 1921, she at last had an effective national outlet for her efforts. From 1924 until her death she was a member of the Foundation staff, serving as counselor on national and international relations. It was also in 1924 that Miss Keller began her campaign to raise the "Helen Keller Endowment Fund" for the Foundation. Until her retirement from public life, she was tireless in her efforts to make the Fund adequate for the Foundation's needs.

Of all her contributions to the Foundation, Miss Keller was perhaps most proud of her assistance in the formation in 1946 of its special service for deaf-blind persons. She was, of course, deeply concerned for this group of people and was always searching for ways to help those "less fortunate than myself."

Helen Keller was as interested in the welfare of blind persons in other countries as she was for those in her own country; conditions in the underdeveloped and war-ravaged nations were of particular concern. Her active participation in this area of work for the blind began as early as 1915 when the Permanent Blind War Relief Fund, later called the American Braille Press, was founded. She was a member of its first board of directors.

When the American Braille Press became the American Foundation for Overseas Blind (now Helen Keller International) in 1946, Miss Keller was appointed counselor on international relations. It was then that she began the globe-circling tours on behalf of the blind for which she was so well known during her later years. During seven trips between 1946 and 1957 she visited 35 countries on five continents. In 1955, when she was 75 years old, she embarked on one of her longest and most grueling journeys, a 40,000-mile, five-month-long tour through Asia. Wherever she traveled, she brought new courage to millions of blind people, and many of the efforts to improve conditions among the blind abroad can be traced directly to her visits.

During her lifetime, Helen Keller lived in many different places--Tuscumbia, Alabama; Cambridge and Wrentham, Massachusetts; Forest Hills, New York, but perhaps her favorite residence was her last, the house in Westport, Connecticut she called "Arcan Ridge." She moved to this white, frame house surrounded by mementos of her rich and busy life after her beloved "Teacher's" death in 1936. And it was Arcan Ridge she called home for the rest of her life. "Teacher's" death, although it left her with a heavy heart, did not leave Helen alone. Polly Thomson, a Scots woman who joined the Keller household in 1914, assumed the task of assisting Helen with her work. After Miss Thomson's death in 1960, a devoted nurse-companion, Mrs. Winifred Corbally, assisted her until her last day.

Helen Keller made her last major public appearance in 1961 at a Washington, DC, Lions Clubs Meeting. At that meeting she received the Lions Humanitarian Award for her lifetime of service to humanity and for providing the inspiration for the adoption by Lions International of their sight conservation and aid to blind programs. During that visit to Washington, she also called on President Kennedy at the White House. After that White House visit, a reporter asked her how many of our presidents she had met. She replied that she did not know how many, but that she had met all of them since Grover Cleveland!

After 1961, Helen Keller lived quietly at Arcan Ridge. She saw her family, close friends, and associates from the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Foundation for Overseas Blind, and spent much time reading. Her favorite books were the Bible and volumes of poetry and philosophy.

Despite her retirement from public life, Helen Keller was not forgotten. In 1964 she received the previously mentioned Presidential Medal of Freedom. In 1965, she was one of 20 elected to the Women's Hall of Fame at the New York World's Fair. Miss Keller and Eleanor Roosevelt received the most votes among the 100 nominees.

Helen Keller died on June 1, 1968, at Arcan Ridge, a few weeks short of her 88th birthday. Her ashes were placed next to her beloved companions, Anne Sullivan Macy and Polly Thomson, in the St. Joseph's Chapel of Washington Cathedral. On that occasion a public memorial service was held in the Cathedral. It was attended by her family and friends, government officials, prominent persons from all walks of life, and delegations from most of the organizations for the blind and deaf.

In his eulogy, Senator Lister Hill of Alabama expressed the feelings of the whole world when he said of Helen Keller, "She will live on, one of the few, the immortal names not born to die. Her spirit will endure as long as man can read and stories can be told of the woman who showed the world there are no boundaries to courage and faith."

Below is a small selection of essays by Helen Keller:

Are We Wasters of Time? as published in Home Magazine, (January, 1933)
Blazing the Trail, as published in Home Magazine, (October, 1934)
A Chant of Darkness, as published in Century Magazine, (May, 1908)
Dreams That Come True, as published in Personality, (December, 1927)
An Epic of Courage: See, (n.d.; document source not identified)
The Great Choice, as published in Home Magazine, (January, 1932)
Intelligent Reading, as published in Home Magazine, (July, 1933)
Let Us Create Beauty, as published in Home Magazine, (March, 1932)
Optimism (1903)
We Can Do More as published in Home Magazine, (February, 1934)

For a more comprehensive list of her essays, please visit American Foundation For The Blind.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Depression Finally

So, it's finally kicking in! My depression once again. May be it's because I tend to care for people easily. May be because it's just because I care for people a bit too much. or May be it's because of a natural phase, pms or else my regular depressive bout. This year has been the worst. This is the first time, when my bipolar bouts have been the most uncontrolled and unhandleable and unmanageable.

But this is my worst phase in last 10 years. I simply can't manage it. BUT, I will NOT go to a shrink. I will NOT give in my battle, the battle and war I've fought for so long. Because each small battle matters in the consequences of the overall War.

But, I will not allow myself to degenerate either. I will not allow myself to hurt other people, even if it means leaving them and causing myself unbearable pain. I know, even moving on will hurt, but the fact is that such phases will come, more and with more severity. Such phases will henceforth increase in both intensity and frequency, unless I actually settle down. And the only way to settle down is to actually settle down. There's no other way or short cut. And in spite of me trying furiously and my best, it will happen when it has to. I can't reduce the duration of my M.A. I can just prevent it from being longer. The second alternative is to quit studies altogether.

The third is to take some time, forget about everything else, EVERYTHING.......lifestyle, relationships, family, friends and everything else. To many people this will sound melodramatic. Many won't understand the hurt it is causing me to even think of committing online suicide.

But, just because I care, just because I want to make everyone around me happy, doesn't mean I'm a spineless creature. When I don't respond, You feel hurt. When I respond, You feel overwhelmed because then I want all of it.

I am not really a middle ground person. I do things either with full desire/zeal, or not at all. Perhaps, this stems from my bipolar. I don't want to get into the medicine/shrink stuff because that will kind of make me someone dependent on meds and I of course do not live in US / canada with a social security :(

So, if You get associated with me, expect that only. :( And trust me, if You at any point choose to move away from me, because I am being a jerk with my mania/depression, bipolar, I'll understand :( Sad, yes I will be, but I will understand Your need for balance and middle grounds.

This 'You' can be anyone.....friends, acquaintances past and present relationships, family everyone. I am free and You are free too.

I don't know what am I writing, and I haven't actually even once re-read it, or edited it. But, I am weeping right now again. Now this is another sign of my depression. I get weepy often when I am in that depressive phase. Please do not bother/fret/pay heed. I wish to be left alone and yet I wish to be cared for, protected right now. I have been pushing away people from me last whole week, and yet I want to stay around them. But, I understand this causes them hurt and confusion.

Please forgive me, if I've hurt anyone. And even if You can't understand me or my behavior, rest assured of one thing. I will never cause You harm, hurt intentionally and I care :( I Love all those people who've touched my life even once, and no this is not altruism or greatness or any other such crap. This is just who I am :(

Regards,
Anu

Friday, August 13, 2010

11/12 and 13.8.10

So, here's the update:

Busy at least 12 hours a day. No commendations, just high spirits. Been a bit low though, but still well and fine :)

Thank You Lord,

Anu

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Update Aug 9 and 10

August 9:

so, I woke up late, missed the first class but attended the remaining two and somehow managed to do chores for my mom in the mid too. Also, studied Maths/Logical Reasoning and the classes were a hit. I was an instant success as a student and life seems good, even if I might not be able to crack CAT and get into what I want.

Today was even better, 5 classes back to back, 12 hours of hard core study, waking up in time, and just returned a while ago, will now have diner and sleep. Tomorrow have to get up at 4:30, because I have to cook :P. Yess!! I do, cook :P

Oh by the way, I had kheer today :) And Arvi and rice :)

So, off to sleep and study now:)

Love,
Anu


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Que Sera Sera : Doris Day: Amazing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc&feature=related




When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome will I be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be will be
Que Sera Sera

Update : Aug 8, 2010

So finally, here's what happened:)

As usual, my schedules got Topsy turvy. I didn't have a vehicle so missed the first class, I didn't have the patience to bear with drama and cribbing about things, so I gave in and did what was expected of me and so missed the second class too. I had my breakfast-lunch (brunch at around 2), and then finally managed the last class.

I did not too bad at quant in the class and it made me feel a bit relaxed, easy and even happy to an extent. The best part was that the teacher asked me if I had studied that topic earlier. I said yes I had, but around 12 years ago ;)

So, after all, my mind is not that dumb/blunt at all :P

However, something worrying now, CAT has been pre-poned this year apparently. The final declaration is yet to happen. If this happens there's both a pro and con. Pro - I'll have one more month to prepare for M.A. Not that I was actually about to go and write CAT with full heart, but I wouldn't want less time. Que Sera Sera.

Now plan for the evening: Study vocab and the topics in quant that He taught in the class today :)

Till then, wish you all well :)

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)


Tentative Schedule

It's 7.37 right now:

get ready till 8:30
study Keats till 9:30
Move out of Home at 9:30 and travel till 10:30, doing a chore or two on the way.
Class 10.30-12.30
Lunch till 1.00
Class again 01.00-03.00
Take a small break
Class again 03.30-05.30
Return back Home by 6:30
Shower and then back to Keats till 9.30
dinner till 10.00
Study Reading/Comprehension till 12.00
sleep at 12:00

Now the question is to what good?

A few there :
1. I get to keep myself busy.
2. I get to study and read, more of language and literature, less of math, DI etc.
3. I get to gauge my verbal ability skills and study for (don't know when time flew) M.A. exams.
4. I get to study for some fancy dream destination (who'll regret if achieved? ) :P
5. I get to push my boundaries about my working capacity. And if I survive today like this, it'll be time for treat !!!

Now why to post it here?

1. To keep track without wasting paper.
2. To share with my friends where am I and what am I doing.
3. to be on a break without being on it :P

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Break

On a Hiatus for some time now, focusing on demands of life.

Regards,
A

Class Schedule for The Next week

8th Aug, 2010
10.30-12.30
01.00-03.00
03.30-05.30
9th Aug, 2010
07.30-09.00
10.00-12.00
04.00-06.00
10th Aug, 2010
07.30-09.30
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
03.00-05.00
05.30-07.30
11th Aug, 2010
07.30-09.30
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
04.00-06.00
12th Aug, 2010
07.30-09.30
05.00-07.00
13th Aug, 2010
07.30-09.30
10.00-12.00
12.00-02.00
04.00-06.00
14th Aug, 2010
04.00-06.00
06.00-08.00

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Week Later

A week later, I reflect back...... Three sleepless nights back to back. Unwilling to focus, a mind hyperactive. Unable to rest at peace, a heart sad and hurting, and yet, undaunted firm of being able to overcome - a fighting spirit.

No, it's not the sanctimonious or self-righteous me, nor is it me surrounded by a horde of friends, willing to support me. In fact at this moment I'm as lonely as I can be :)I am happily willing to let go. But, at the same time, I do wish to hold on. I can't let go of my precious friends like that. in this dilemma, here's what:

I am thankful to my friends and to God for them. People who care for me, no matter what. People who stand and stick around. And, people who help me move on when some others hurt me and simply can't let go.

And I just want to say this......

I Love You even when I err and go away.
I love You always, not only when I stay.

And here's what I say to the Lord, for those of us who have been blessed, and those who think they haven't been (though it's not true).

I pray to Thee O Lord,

Give us all,
the strength to accept,
with grace both yes and no,
and to be able to be friends,
and not create an unnecessary foe.

Give us the strength Lord,
to move On.
To realize that the death of somethings,
means something else is reborn.

Help us all to accept O Lord,
That different folks and different strokes,
of pleasure, pain and paint,
and I hope no one chokes.

within walls they have created around themselves,
and the unnecessary baggage that they drag from the shelves.

Help those of us specially O Lord,
who find ourselves helpless,
in anger, misery and frustration,
futile and useless.

Let no Man think He's the grandest of all,
able to decide the universal right and wrong.
Let no woman think, she's the prettiest of all,
for there are men and women more pretty, ore strong.

To those who trust, have faith, let them keep it,
O Lord, lest they lose it and be alone.
Let the sighs of All be of pleasure,
and not of pain and not into moans and groans.

But most of all,
forgive me Lord,
for though I ask all this of thee.
Some times, of rejection, chastisement and care,
and all sincere protection I flee.

Forgive me for the unwanted hurt I cause,
Forgive me when I grit my teeth, grind my jaws.
Forgive me when I hurt friends,
Forgive me when I can ignore the fiends.
Forgive me when I'm sad, for You didn't intend me to be.
Forgive me when I'm sorry for the way You made me.

But most of all Lord,
Make me Love all,
for in all the universe, Your breaths,
alone rise and fall.

This I ask in Your pure Name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)


Sunday, July 25, 2010

This Day I pray

This is just going to be a small memoir (ok not so small may be:P or very small may be :P)

First of All, Happy B'day to me!!!! :)

OK, so a quick post here.I am 26 now. I am no more within that magic number 25, and I hope this year goes well for me.Now, Last few months I've almost been rotten, but today finally I've given myself a shake and taken some major decisions in life. I've tossed aside a few temporary things that happened, and I will not look back.

I'm going to stick round with Those valued, cherished,respected and Loved, no matter how much I might err and might want to go away for embarrassment's sake. Not because I want to bother these people or make them uncomfortable, but because I will prove myself to them and that too only out of love and because they want me to prove to the world and be successful.

I've isolated myself from almost the whole world this year somehow. specially in my real life.

I am going to try something that sounds miraculous tomorrow and I hope it just works.Let's see what happens. And yes, when I say snapped out, I literally mean that :)

Lord,
Grant me the strength,
the serenity,
persistence and perseverance.
Make me do what You've designed me for and
what I'm destined for.
This,
I ask in Your holy name.
Amen!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Vo Pandrah Din : Those Fifteen Days

I've been nostalgic and low last three - four days. Benn thinking about the worthless and unproductive life, I've led last few months. 7 months to be precise. But then I remembered those 15 days.

THOSE days, when I contributed to people's lives around me. Those days that were one of the darkest period in my life and yet the brightest. Darkest because life was a mess, while brightest because I taught the deprived kids what they wouldn't get in school. A bit of respect, a bit of English and a bit of math and multiplication. These were kids, who'd take my tantrums and yet laugh with me. Kids from not so well - to- do families. Kids who were willing to teach me as much as learn from me. Kids who taught me how to make photo frames, how to make a bunch of grapes from playing marbles,and kids who looked forward to English vocabulary.

Children who'd fight amongst themselves, who'd weep when I scolded, and who would be almost serenely happy when I smiled at them. Kids who'd try to make me happy by studying harder. These were kids who stayed around because THEY wanted to, not because their parents wanted to. Not because they were forced to.

Kids who made me feel wanted, who made me feel I was worth existing when nothing else was good enough. When my best friends were overwhelmed, not knowing how to handle me, these kids brought those smiles and those tears to my eyes.

I had kept the classes for 15 days only because I didn't want to teach for free, while the children wanted to come for more time, and I denied because I didn't know when I might snap at them. But today, I miss those 15 days.

Lord,

Grant me many more 15 days of this sort. Make my life useful to those around me.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Uncluttered Life

So, I finally uncluttered a lot of things in last 3 days. Life, thoughts, book-shelves, room and head:P My book-shelves have more books, but more organised and those that are contributing to something. The rest are all packed and away.

My life has fewer friends than past, but those that are worth it, and some of them -do- receive my blog posts in their mails. They might have set me for block though, am not sure :)

My relationships are much smoother and less confusing, commitment shifts happening, in terms of friends as well as valued people. I see and observe people being unable to get over, unable to move on, people who crib, whine, pout because they didn't get what they needed and wanted. The more important word here is want. And then I dislike them and end up disliking them.

When I wrote my post on 'My Name is Khan' I had to an extent realized that I was also being a whiny and a pouty mean bitch, but today I realized that being a whiny cribber was my past.

I am proud of my decisions and am glad I took them in-spite of all my dilemma, and in spite of all the hurt it caused to me. It does not matter what people think about it and how do they react to it. Honestly, it just doesn't affect me anymore.

So, back to uncluttering,this shows that I have uncluttered my heart of many emotional entanglements that were bonds of strength at one time and negative bonds at another. Today I feel so cleansed, free and pure. Not because of who I am in my real, physical life, but because I am learning to respect myself for who I am and because I've covered one more step closer to that :)

For now, back to studies!!! :) But, before that,

Lord,

Give me strength,
not to fight others,
but,
to fight myself..
And,
come out a Victorious winner.

I know Lord,
The winner stands alone,
but grant me the grace,
to share the victory,
so that I may be with loved ones,
and those too, who do not love me.

Grant me the power to love,
unconditionally.
And Lord,
make this unconditional love mean to me,
something that I can share without discrimination.

In Other words Lord,

Make me an instrument of Your peace and Love.

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Monday, July 12, 2010

My Name is Khan !!!

I started this post on 24th of April and left it as such. Saw the movie again and restarted this. Hope I am able to post it today :)The text in ** is what I wrote the other day and the rest is what I am writing now.



**There are a lot of things going on in my mind, including two things primarily :)

1. The Movie - My name is Khan
2. My personal decisions that have grown.

So, may this post be on "My Name is Khan"

I was watching this movie last night, and was amazingly touched. The struggle of a man, with Asperger's Syndrome, Rizwan Khan who's is in America. A man who loses the love of his life, his son from that wife,.....**


So, my name is not Khan and no, I'm not a terrorist. My name is my name and I am a lot of things, but none worth being judged about unless I harm someone. I am someone not successful, partly orthodox and not someone who's very well to do. But I'm so blessed.

It was after I saw this movie that I in actual sense realized that it's the inclination, the thought process and the desire that differentiates one from the rest of the people. It's not money, nor fame, nor strength and nothing else that matters when You want to do something, whether for yourself or for others.

I remembered 'Thakur' 'super 30' and loads of other people. I remembered an article from the Hindu that said that the American has a tendency to give back to it's country. I remembered today's newspaper....Britain thinks of cutting down the help aid to India.

And I don't know what bothers me more? My not being good enough for an IIM or my country not being good enough to be self sufficient. This is not the first time I've thought about being self-sufficient and later doing something for the society. But, I always stopped back thinking I am helpless unless settled myself. I have often thought about not helping people unless they really deserved.

And now what has this to do with Khan?

This has got to do this :

Khan helped people of Wilhelmina, without doing anything other than simply pursuing what he wanted. And people followed. And yes I can change things too :)

And that's it :)

Lord,
Help me discover the unique strength I have.
Help me perform the task You created me for.
Help me prove You exist,
And,
Help me to prove that You alone are Love :)

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Really?

Is it true that You were once alone?

Is it true that once You were lost in Your painful groan?

I wonder...

I always thought it was only me,

Who was lonely and alone.

I had always wished,

I'd have a companion,

And, I later realized,

I couldn't have.... even the least minion.

I don't know what I'm actually speaking,

For though it sounds like my mind,

It's more of my own musings to myself.

And this isn't a sane state.

I wish I was wither fully sane,

Or else...

Completely insane.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Slow Poisoning

I am poisoning myself slowly. Now, you don't have to be surprised or shocked at it:) We all do it all the time. And no! I'm not talking about poisoning by medicines, or by pollution, am talking of slow poisoning by negativity and unhappiness.

I will not crib about what I want and what I don't have. But I cannot right now even feel great about doing nothing and being unable to change circumstances. I do not know how to handle my cravings and I do not trust anyone around me.

I'm letting myself get numb and am sitting at home, not wanting to do anything. Perhaps, I could keep sleeping all day long, if over sleeping wouldn't cause a headache. I could keep singing all the day and forget about the damn world, if it were possible. But it JUST doesn't work.

What rather works is NOTHING. And I don't know how to get it. I can't satisfy make anyone happy, including myself. I am not happy with the choices I have to make, and those that I am presented with, because there are people whom I value and I feel suffocated. This includes not only family, but also some very very close friends. Some people whom I would perhaps do anything for. They do not understand that I need a break from studies. I wish to quit studying.

But, right now..... I'm numb. I do nothing but waste days, one after the other and another. I am exasperated with myself. May be I need to ease up a bit on myself, may be I need to befriend myself a little, but I just can't. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN DAMN IT !

But may be, this is what destiny's all about.

I wish I could push away MA/MBA/Any sort of study away from me, and just earn and be happy. Earn a few thousand bucks, let myself enjoy small pleasures and luxuries of life, and then after a year or two perhaps, when I feel suffocated with that again, return back to studies. People will never understand.

They simply can't :) No matter, how much good they wish me, no matter how much close they are to me. This is one dark secret, that they won't understand even after knowing it :)

But I know Lord,
If no one does,
and when no one does.
You will.
Help me sustain Lord!

Amen!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Monday, May 3, 2010

Collaborating Poems

I used to write at different places. And the result? My efforts would be diversified, energy spread all around than being properly channelized. So, I'm trying to collect out as many compositions as I can at one place.
Here are three of them:

Masks
First M. Get lost.

Second M. Please get lost.

Third M. I told You I'm not interested.

Fourth M. Please leave me alone, and do not come back.

Fifth M. I request You sincerely, to please leave me alone.

Sixth M..... turns away and leaves, without uttering a word

Masks dropped... I wish He/she could understand and this could be ended gracefully. I hope He recovers, for I know it had to hurt, and that is what I wanted to avoid.

Scars

I had a dream

I heard a scream

Awake at 3, much before the dawn...

I was afraid, shrieks in my head, I didn't dare yawn.

Looking up into the mirror,

I shivered with fear.

My searing scars caused

to trickle down a tear.

Dropping down on the bed again,

I didn't sleep any more.

Thinking of the hurt, the pain,

I felt worthless as a used whore.

The pain of love,

The hurt of being left alone and used.

My heart wept and grieved,

My mind muzzled and confused.

I could hear in my head,

"Time, heals all scars...."

'Shut Up!!!" silently I screamed,

I felt like the moon, alone amidst the stars.

And then to me,I felt,

a truth reveal.

Some scars are meant to teach,

and hence not all scars heal.

Bliss

Seeking...

constant, unending.

Thirst...Unquenched,

Hunger... Satiated not.

Hunger of the soul it was.

Hunger for my whole it was.

Fragmented, I wandered alone.

Paths of religion, lifestyle, vanilla, altruism...

For me worked absolutely None :(

The blend of love, lust and control.

The love that would join the shards of my broken self,

and.... make me whole.

It was then I realized....

What you had given to me...

Love - Unsaid, Untold.

Pain - more than I could hold.

Pleasure - Thousandfold

But calm?

Can it be ever told?

The calm of my spirit and yours unified.

The calm of my hunger satisfied.....

And yours too..

By feeding on those parts of our souls we shared.

Bringing us....

Silent Bliss.




©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Abrupt Choices and Random Thoughts

I made two abrupt choices today. To finish off Shantaram and to join a Mehandi course. I loved drawing the shapes that have long lured, attracted and enchanted me:) For quite some time now, I have applied henna on palms. But now I'll learn more, better and harder. Those patterns help me fill my gaps, silences. I understand today in reality what did I find intriguing in Athena's wanting to fill the gaps (during her calligraphy classes) when I read 'The witch of Portobello'. I today had a similar urge. I wanted every inch of the paper to be full of those patterns, and not just those columns or organised patterns. I wanted, yearned for it suddenly to completely erratic. And I wished I could be as erratic too.

I suddenly had the need to restart reading Shantaram, I do not know why. I haven't slept for last 38 hours now, and am still not sleepy, and am just fine and OK. I have some 100 pages more to go with Shantaram and then I'll be free to re-read those parts that I want to think over and ponder over. There are quotes I wish to mull over.

I also have to do a lot of vocab from that book, it's good :D The figures he mentions about crime, the facts about the organised crime as in the end of twentieth century, the facts about a man used, manipulated, misguided, cheated and resilient enough to be resurrected, this book has somehow kept me entwined in its intricacies of human life/thought/nature.

I also wish I could write something, something that wouldn't make much sense and yet would be sensible enough. I wish I could do that. Something more than this blog. I miss my singing classes too. I wonder if I'll ever have enough money to be able to pursue reading, writing, singing without working like a yoked ox, or without worrying for basic amnesties. Sometimes I do wish I was Lin minus his criminal instincts. Or may be I'm already that.

But, enough musing for now :)


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Training : What to Read

In the last post, a long while ago I had written something about what should one read.... and I had said what one can, wants, and should. What I had exactyly meant to say was that I believe we should superficially glance at whatever material for treading is available.

However, this material may not be always something worth reading and memorizing. Some, of it might just be useless. As they commonly say.... books are like food.... some junk, some delicious and some nutritous, and we need to be careful about what we eat. Similarly, you can throw a perfunctory glance at any reading material that's available, but spend time on those that have some good content. Good content would mean something that either provides you with some factual knowledge or else, something that helps you shape yuor thoughts.

Next comes..... what You want....... This is the delicious kind of food as an analogy. This is what You like reading, or if You're working, whatever your work makes you read. For an example my work forces me to read language, my studies make me read about management and my personal chopice is philosophy and fiction. Similarly, there could be various situations like an engg would probably prefer reading about technology and a doctor about medicine, while a science student might want to read more about science. This however, may not always be true.

However, such a condition occurs basically because we tend to enjoy things we can understand which generally is one of our optionals or work related reading. However, the parallel aspect is that we understand those things better which we enjoy more. So, this becomes a kind of vicious circle, and we need to break the circle somewhere by our own desire.

Which is why I said perfuinctory glance at everything, and that will gradually help you extend your understanding to different areas of whats being written and read.

As far as the 'SHOULD ' aspect fo reading is concerned....... honestly..This is the time recommended list and the passage booklets we get. They are seriously a good excposure to variety.

Love,
Anu©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : Structured Personality Enhancement Program

n my opinion, personality includes a few aspects like:
1. Physical Appearance.
2. Body Language.
3. Communication Skills and,
4. The Intellectual or psychological personality (along with the thought process).

Today lets talk a little about it and I shall try to contribute more thoughts regularly.

When we talk about the physical impression, please remember that though the first impression might not be the last one, it still is an important impression. So, look professional, hygienic, with ironed formals and a proper dress code. The hair style should be neat, combed properly.No one likes it when they can't make a proper eye contact, just because your hair are falling repeatedly over the eyes. The shoes should be polished, socks non- stinking. Girls and women should avoid heavy jewelery. Please carry your documents arranged systematically in a file folder.

I have often observed that a major problem many people feel is that they don't know what to do with their weaknesses. Here's something that I've found useful as a technique.

It is one of my posts in Personal Introduction threads also, and am posting here only for the sake of convenience.


As far as the negative (rather, not so positive ) is concerned, first of all you need to face this. Most of the times what we are doing is avoiding the negatives, and hence, we hardly understand whay and how they exist and function.

1. Understand why did your negative point come into existence,
2. Know how it functions or acts on your mind,
3. Realize how it affects you personally and professionally,
4. Determine the possible remedies and solutions.

In an interview, you can just make the last two points brief and present them to the interviewer.

For eg. Let's say someone's weakness is ego. Let's perform the four steps:

People are egoistic because:
either they are exceptionally good at one or more things,
or its a disguise to their inferiority complex.

Ego plays with one's mind, when one is in a situation where one has to either face people who are more intelligent or better at the relevant fields. At such times, ego brings one in defensive mode and prevents one from being rationally open and accepting to the other person.

Disadvantages:
Ego hampers one's listening skills to the other person.
It doesn't let one think rationally, specially when one's opinion differs from that of the other individual.
Hence, it could affect the decisions of a manager.....

Remedies:
Understand the cause of your problem and accept it. Remember, Acceptance is the first step to a solution. Time and again I've told my students and trainees that unless you accept there's a problem, you wouldn't be working to its correction.
Also, self-control is a positive trait that could help you to be in control of your feelings. Now here the interviewer can play a trick. He can say that self control would mean you're suppressing your natural tendencies. You need to explain to him/her that self- control and suppression are different and how they are different.

An answer to an interviewer about a weakness like ego could be something like:

"My weakness is that I am slightly egoistic. This happens to me at times when I overestimate myself, or when I hold an excessively high opinion of myself. However, I try to keep this tendency in check because I know that it could make my thought procedure biased. I keep this in control by being keenly observant of myself and remembering that though I am good enough or even very good at certain things, there are many more people who might be better than me, and that I can learn from others only when I'm humble."

This was what I had given to an interviewer in an interview. There could be many other answers. To each weakness, the answer would differ, and it depends on the way you analyse yourself.

The key point is to think both with sensitivity and sensibility. You don't have to be an idealist, nor can you afford to be casual and laid back about things.

Regards,

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : Communication Basics

By definition, communication is a process of conveying your thoughts (message) to the audience(reciever). Now what needs to be remembered here is that communication is not only about conveying, but its also about making the other person understand your point. However, please remember, that it does not essentially mean that the audience would AGREE to the point being communicated to them.

So, the first thing that we need to remember in communication is about being audience friendly. In the language that we use, the words used should be elegant as well as understandable. And most importantly, they need to be used in correct form.

Whilst vocab is important in the sense that it helps you find words to express your ideas better, grammar is equally important because grammar helps you to use the words in the correct form. Grammar wouldhere, make you sure of your usage and the right meaning in the right manner would be sent across.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training : GD's Why How and Practice


I have time and again observed in sessions that people are ok with discussing concrete subjects and not so comfy with the abstract topics. This is perhaps because of the fact that whilst we read newspaper and GK related info for other purposes, we have the advantage of the knowledge, we aren't well acquainted with the abstract subjects.

Also, it is at times tough to draw out any sort of definite conclusion when it comes to abstract subjects since it is always subject to dialectic discussions. There is a counter opinion to almost every statement, and there seems to be no solution to any of these.

Here's a strategy that I find helpful for the same:

1. Try to get acquainted with as many abstract nouns as possible. This helps in identifying the fundamental meaning of the keyword in the topic.
2. Think around the lines of the keyword. What is it? Who practices it? Benefits, Disadvantages, Public Opinion, and then your personal opinion.
3. Link the above two areas to the remaining topic.

There is no denying the fact that one has to be a speedy thinker in order to process all this. But then, we need it anyhow in case of GD/PI.

I strongly believe that Non-Fiction gives you the concept or Idea, while Fiction gives it an expression......so as usual...Happy Reading!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Training Material : Introduction

I have finally decided that I will now collate and organise all the material that I've posted on various sites and my Orkut community here, so that it stays organised. Also, so that I do not lose on all that I've written.

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Last Week :P

Ok so here's the update for the last week, as far as I remember it:

Classes - around 7
Training Modules designed two
Extra Books read - 5
Numbers played with (some data and some new and interesting concepts - NOT CAT!!!)- loads
Movies watched (Hey that's true!!!) :P - 2
Been a Prize idiot - Once
Been Unstable - once
Got reprimanded - Twice :((gives those poor puppy looks)
But most of all,

Studied - quite a bit and
Had fun? Immense!!! (imagine me having fun with friends lol)

So, life all in all rocks.

The summaries of the books I read, the summary of the study I did and the thoughts about the movies I watched, is coming soon.

To end, a small note on my small idiocy and instability reads thus:

I accessed a website, and the public information section of some website, and panicked out thinking it was a restricted area section I'd reached. And.......I made the weekend evenings miserable for two of good friends :P So, I was called a prize Idiot (An idiot whose still the prize is the real definition, not what the caller gave me:) So, do not let anyone fool you by saying a prize idiot is the winner of the noble prize in idiocy. For then it would be an IGNOBLE WINNER!!!

I'm sure people are gnashing their teeth and I so Damn LOVE it :P

And about my instability:
I am quitting a psychological addiction (yes I am not all so pure guys :P ) And, it's giving me a tough time with my withdrawal symptoms and all. But.But, Butt..... I have a butt and I'll place it firm in the chair of my determination:) So, with friends at aid, and will at work. I'm learning to be the white sheep again (OK, a lioness in sheep's hide :P ) Happy now?

Oh and by the way - I've decided to learn and forgive.I'm also trying to love more:) Not just others, but also myself :)As a healing practice, and I know it will show great results - VERY SOON !!!

Stay tuned!!!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)