Jewelery Pics 4

Jewellery pics 3 - My favourite set

Jewellery Pics 2

Jewelery pics 1.

Ok, so this is what I've made recently. I'm sure some of you have already seen the pics. For the rest here they are :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Dated: 01.12.10

So, I had slept at around 10:30 last morning, in fact even earlier. To be honest, I hadn't slept, but had just dozed off. By the time I had woken up it already was 3:30 and I worked and blogged the schedule post out here. I worked till around 9:00 in the morning, before I took my breakfast break. So basically though my schedule started half an hour early, it was actually all through an hour late. I had lunch at 2 instead of 3 and was working till 6:30/ 7:00 p.m. barring a small conference with a few friends :) before I managed to go out to the market to get some more jewelery raw material :)

And to add to it, I actually managed to earn a day off from my manager for studies today:) And he wasn't sarcastic :D Geez!!!! So running off to bed with some old stupid poetry/fiction for another 3 hours before dozing off to bed:)

God, it feels like all my fatigue is now going to wash over me.

Lord,

I know Thee created nature with harmony.

Or, may be I do not know but have been told so.

Grant me,

the strength, the intelligence and the ability,

to strike harmony in my part of the world.

This I ask in Thy holy name.

Amen!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Time Schedules

So, here's what I've been really trying to do. I've been trying to organise my schedules, for study, work, sleep patterns, dietary habits and to stay out of depression before I land up at the psychiatrist's place. So, this is what my finalized time-table looks like:

04:00 - 08:00 - Work

08:00 -0 9:00 - Daily chores and breakfast

09:00 - 12:00 - Work

12:00 - 02:00 - Jewellery Homework

02:00 - 03:00 - Lunch and Travel to jewellery class

03:00 - 05:00 - Jewellery class and travel back home

05:00 - 08:00 - Study

08:00 - 10:00 - Dinner and chanting, extra reading/study/friends

10:00 - 04:00 - Sleep

Now, the only thing I really need to do is try and stick to this schedule. At any cost. I know I'd be in trouble if I didn't (figuratively, eventually as well as literally).

18-27 - Part 2

There happened two good things in 2006 when I was 22. One, I found a proper job, a structured framework, an organization, sense of competition revoked, against my colleagues. This job returned a bit of my self-esteem. This also made me socialize though only a little bit and also made me feel competitive and needy to perform. I was the best performer as a trainee for two months as well as an employee once I hit the floor actually, for another two months. In these four months, with unrestricted internet access, I re-discovered my love for reading.

The first book I read then was- Gone with the wind in a total of 8 hours, skipping my breaks, requesting extra shift from my manager and what not. Then I read Jane Eyre and other books by the Bronte sisters. And by the time I was four month old in an organization, working on a salary of 10 K bucks and the youngest employee and also one of the best performers across the organization, I realized, this wasn’t where I belonged to.

I submitted my resignation which wasn't accepted. I waited two days, let my salary be credited, swiped my account clear and left the job, gone! Vanished, declared absconding (thankfully this doesn't cause ground for legal action in India). I came back home, got enrolled in an off-campus graduate program in humanities and against all odds and ends and voices of sanity chose philosophy, English literature and political science(for the lack of a better available third optional)

In the first year of my graduation I scored 75 percent marks in philosophy (something that had become for me a rare commodity). There were extra papers in environmental science, computers, compulsory English. I fared well in all of them. I managed a decent 60 something in English, 50 or something in political studies.

The second year was better, I went to Delhi again to work in a reputed MNC this time to earn enormous amounts as salary but four months later the job started taking heavy toll on me. What with 12 hours of days shift and 14 hours of night. No time to study, no leaves in the peripheral vision for examination. I quit, came back, studied for second year exams, and got 79 percent in Phil. and some average 50 percent something in English and Pol. Studies.

In the third and the final year, I joined a private Engineering college in my own town as a faculty for spoken English. The salary was a mere four thousand, but I was once again in my comfort zone. I was teaching again, content, happy, very much at peace with myself, at home within the campus and with the rest of the staff. I was the only female out there amidst all boys (students) and men (teachers). But six months later, we shifted our home to a place farther off. The change was welcome; I now had a room for myself. My personal space was better than earlier. I didn’t have to share a room with my younger brothers. But, I had to quit my job because my travel time increased to double and so did the fare.

It was also around this time, that I finally ended up in a long distance relationship with a Dominant Man in USA. And by the time the term ended, I was with an average of 83 in philosophy, and decent 60 something crossed in the other two subjects. I was happy, successful in terms of my degree and was a student of a very reputed institute, preparing for an MBA entrance exam, when I fell into my annual depression phase.

Once into it, I sat completely home locked, not wanting to go out anywhere, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to meet anyone. And then one fine day, I got a call from the institute and I was offered a trainer’s post there for communicative and spoken English. Once again, I was in my comfort zone. And then I was given the responsibility to teach the language section for the same exam that I was writing.

I was eventually given classes with the same batch as that of my fellow students and surprisingly they co-operated too well with me and it went fine. I was enrolled in an M.A. program and an executive MBA simultaneously. Eventually I discovered that I am not a corporate person and that it is only teaching that I have truly loved, after I gave up on trying being a doctor. So, I gave up on the MBA as well as the job and kept only to the MA degree. But two months before the exams I got cold feet and gave up on that too. So, one full year dropped again. I then finally stayed at home for another 8 months, working for small amounts, tit-bits, occasional classes, not studying, just thinking, making futile plans and doing nothing before I found some very supportive friends emotionally and morally and finally my current job.

It was also in these last four and a half years that I discovered lifestyle, could place my thoughts, orientations in place, get a perspective that whatever need for control I had in my routine life was not something weird but had a name for itself. It was in the last year that I also found a real group of people in India who follow different sorts of unconventional lifestyles and do not judge people. It was the past one year when I explored the possibilities of embracing my true nature as a person. It was however, around a month ago that I also found my mentor after a long series of faltering, failings, psycho-somatic illnesses, fractures and what not.

I know I have a whole life ahead of me. I also know I will fall, make mistakes, get hurt, but I also know I will survive, especially now that I have a strong support system.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

18-27 - Part 1

So, I was already 18, when I left school, nothing unusual there though. Except for the fact that my loner nature had already been established. I had already been subconsciously declared as a nerd, loner, multi-faceted and multi-talented individual with a sort of solitude and loneliness prominently visible. It was also, assumed that I was at peace with my being alone. There were germs of poetry. Literature and yet a desire to be a doctor and study medicine and psychiatry (eventually). But with failures creeping in on facts like having to quit math, lack of fee to pay for costly coaching classes.

I dropped four years to prepare for my pre medical entrance exam. I joined a graduate program once in the mean while, a B.Sc. in Biology. But gave it up. It wasn’t my place. I liked going to college, using library but I hated the batch mates, It was during these four years that my best friend of 7 years ditched me, by saying to her parents that I was the one who was being stalked by some guys (who actually were stalking me). These four years made me realize that honesty is the best policy, since my parents would know everything about me, my activities, my whereabouts.

It was the beginning of these four years that my life went through fire and flames and came out as something entirely different. I was re-diagnosed thrice with my depression and ALWAYS, I refused to take medication. It was the beginning of these four years that I was exposed to yahoo (by my younger brother) and the later part of these years that I bought my first mobile phone. But there’s something much more important (wrong usage I know), that I discovered.

It was - I started teaching. I taught students who were my immediate juniors. I taught senior school physics, chemistry, biology, because I wanted to learn. I knew I’d never be able to afford money enough to go and prepare for entrances outside my town. My town didn’t have good institutes till then. I had no friends, most of those who were with me got into engineering (the ratio of engg seats to medical being something like 12000 to 600 that time if I remember correctly). I didn’t have friends to discuss study with. I didn’t know which books to read, what depth to probe into and I took up teaching as an obvious and a clear solution to problems like these.

I remember the students’ parents would ask me – you’re so young. And I’d politely reply – I know, but what matters is my command on the subject. I was amazing with theory, especially physics, which I knew that I could never ever study again because I did not study Math in grade 12. My students would score well, even clear competitive exams, while I would year after year not succeed. The best I’d do was to fall short by a single mark, or to get a payment seat, or to be able to join something like a self-sponsored dentistry.

It was these four years however, when one of my teachers tried to seduce me, another wanted to lay me around and 2 batchmates disgusted me to no end, with their grossly materialistic and carnal proposals without even a twinge of feeling (Back then, I was EXCESSIVELY conventional, VERY stubborn and greatly judgmental). It was within these four years that I found the first love of my life (who later dumped me because he realized I’m not a would-be doctor anymore and that I do not look as beautiful as in the pics. And this after telling his whole family that he wanted to marry me. Funny, ain’t it? :)

But on the other hand, in 2005, amidst all this drama and lackluster life, I found a friend in a biology chat room in yahoo then. This was one of the first people who molded my life. Extremely intelligent, highly accomplished, pure in spirit and amazingly understanding, this Man (7 years elder to me?) brought me to an understanding of myself. He questioned me, probed me, made me think, answer his questions. He helped me explore much of the unexplored me. He helped me deal with what was negative, to encourage in myself what was positive. We met once and then lost contact. Ani, I still miss you :)

It was in these four years (towards the end) that I managed to save money, shift to Delhi for coaching and met my best friend till date, my best supporter of last 5 years and my current employer. We had a common friend introduce me. So, the last 6 months of my last drop, this friend introduced me to ISKCON, where I could find exactly the same reasoning as the one I had, exactly similar things as subjects of discussion like they were at Home. ISKCON was a home away from home.

I wrote my final attempt, did not succeed, took up a call centre job and decided I didn’t want to study further. This is when I turned 22, with a heart break, a broken friendship, a total of 2 seducing attempts, 2 disgusting offers, a long history of failures already, future bleak. I guess, I cannot cover this duration all in one go, so I will write a sequel to this section.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Back to Positive again

So, after I've vented off all my steam, my suppressed anger, my frustration at being insulted when I made all sincere effort to respect others, I'm much light. I needed to release myself from the emotional stress I create for myself. It's high time that I come to terms with my anger and accept that being angry is as natural an emotion as is being loving. It's time, I stop letting people treat me like a punch bag, whether in a good way or a bad one.

So, let me try and think of some positive things to happen, possibly or definitely.

• My work is going OK.
• My salary was in my account in time, decent amount.
• My studies will begin soon by the end of December fully.
• My manager / best friend promises that He will support me in every manner till exams, if I can really trust him and then will take me off to Singapore in April, once I'm done with exams, to be able to earn loads and of course I can come back again for M.A. Final exams and preparation. I can even get a PR there, if I can stick around. Two years of work there, the work profile on my resume, the options of career, studies, family finances everything is going to fall in place though this DOES mean that I will for now have to give up on JNU/IIM.
• I have started jewelery making class and am doing well at it. As usual, a student that makes her teacher smile :)

Now, let me try and list down a few very important priorities:

• Working sincerely
• Supporting my Mentor in His guidance of me, with full devotion and commitment, no matter how many things/people/events distract me, no matter how many times, I might fail.
• Keeping up with my art work
• Studying once work is low.
• Applying for a passport.
• Save money.
• Updating the list as and when explored.

That's all I guess for now.

Anu

My Damn Problem

I wanted to write this somewhere else, but then decided otherwise. Hurting someone is just not my type. At least not hurting them openly. But then I need my space to vent too. So, using this as that. I know this mail will end up in a few inboxes and to you, I have just one thing to say - Those who trust me, will understand and if they don't, they don't really really matter. Fortunately for me, you all do matter :)

************

To all those, who think they are respecting me by trying to help me, no you're not. Because first off, you don't even understand a bit of who I am, the way I think, the way I feel and you can never do that, because you will always see it in the usual context. I'm not special, but definitely not the usual stuff and I am proud of it.

Secondly, do not mistake my courtesy and politeness for my weakness or strength. Because it's none. It simply is that - nonchalant courtesy and politeness.

Third and the most important thing, if I distance myself from you because **YOU** asked me to, do not tell me that you respect my effort, because THAT (telling me about it) is disrespect to my efforts/effortless goodbyes. Do I sound clear? I seriously hope I do. If you want your space, respect mine It's as simple as that.

I do NOT confuse respect, politeness and courtesy. The moment you disrespect me or my efforts and no that doesn't mean asking me to fuck off or verbal assault or character assassination or whatever, but your gesture; you lose your respect. The more you do it, the more esteem you lose. We can coexist without any sort of need to indulge in each other's lives.

If I do not message you, it simply means that for me, you do not really exist or that your existence is of no interest to me. I am excessively communicative and open, so if I value your friendship or want it or desire it, I will state that upfront. Similarly if I desire distance, I will clearly indicate that as well. Also, if I need your help dealing with something, I will make sure that I tell you. If I do not, please do not presume.

I know I take time to get over things. I usually take a lot of time to move on. I open up completely when I do and that DOES make me vulnerable. Also, I find it very tough to move on, unless people leave me. This is something like, if a fucking loser says - I'm Your Dom and you cannot move on, no matter what -(even subconsciously, if not in words), I just cannot move on. However, Once I do, I do.

But please, and I mean this please, do not test my patience or self-control. Not even if you're the most valued person in my life, because even if you are, I will not say it once it's been rejected. It's your loss, deal with it.

You have all right to be inconsiderate, mean or rude to me. I do not do that, because it's not my nature. However, please do NOT presume that I cannot be a bitch. I just don't want to be, because I don't need to be.

This is to no one in particular, so don't bother asking. This is to all those endless number of people out there, who think their pity, support, help, kindness is what I need, once they've insulted and offended my feelings (specially when they treat it like something grossly physical and understand truly nothing about it because it has not tangibly materialized).

Honestly,

I wish You really well in all your endeavors. Really really well. I have absolutely NO malice in my heart for anyone. But, please do not disturb my personal space.

I hope you'll *respect* that. Truly.

**************************************

And to all those truly valued and respected people, I might be a bitch sometimes, but trust me, I never want to hurt you ever, even if that means keeping myself from falling to pieces, or not being angry at people who violate my privacy.

Thanks for being around.

Creativity on multiple fronts?

So, here's what I recently made. Why? I do not know. I have this stupid character trait of channelizing my energy away from the negativity. Specially when the negativity tends to seep in from every nook and corner of my life. Through my eyes, when I see things and people;through my ears, when I hear them; through my nose, when I smell the fragrances that take me to nostalgia; through the touches, both craved for, and shirked away from; through the tastes of things that were pleasant in past and unpleasant later. My own words taste bitter on my tongue, my heart years for solace and my eyes are sore from crying.

What do I do at such times? Usually I wallow, I weep, cry, scream silently in agony, ending up hurting myself. This time, I decided to be different. I decided to take up a new hobby, add some sense of self worth to myself and my life. And the pictures are just the first day/first sample/first gift to one of my beloved friends, whom I gifted another set exactly identical to this one :)

Some people think, I'm unstable, unreliable, gullible, multi-talented but vastly distracted. I do not know if you believe in Horoscopes and astrology, but for those who do, my start-chart makes me such. I am not using this as an excuse. I DO try hard to focus, I really do. But, I usually function best when I multi-task. Is being myself (even if it means being weak, gullible, distracted, but my own self nonetheless), so so bad?

I do not know, but for now I bask in the glory of everything I do :) even if it's about making pearl strings.

© anu (Exploring Myself)

9-18

Before I continue from 9-18, I guess, there’s something more from the zero-nine phase that comes to my mind.

I am told I was a violent kid with loads of anger. I would throw objects, I would be nasty, throw tantrums, but there was one thing I NEVER did – I never tore books. They were unconsciously sacred to me.

It was around 9 and a half years of my age, when I had my ma give birth to my youngest brother. Dad had to shift his focus from me to the one younger to me, what with his bad health, his, the new baby in the family, increasing financial expenses, shortage of space. We have practically spent some 15 years of our life in a single room and another ten in the main room and another rented in some or the other nearby location. Things started changing. I was happy and yet more and more fierce. My studies shot up in terms of scores and performance. Perhaps it was the competitive threat I subconsciously felt from the younger brother, or maybe it was the need for all that attention I missed from parents which was now channelized to the tuitions that dad would give and my youngest brother.

We were living with our aunt and uncle who stayed close by at that juncture in time. So, mostly our food would be cooked together and mom and aunt would take care of the baby, while dad would spend time with both of us. But I do remember that I was very possessive of my baby bro (I still am in some ways) and had fought the whole family once when it came to just a superficial talk of my uncle and aunt(who do not have any children, biological or adopted) adopting the child. I fought tooth and nail, hurt my father physically and made Him write on a paper with a one rupee stamp sticking to it that He would never give away any of his kids.

A childish tantrum though it may seem, the fact displays that I was never an easy to give away kid. I was always fiercely possessive. My younger brother and I had loads of issues between us. We would fight; he would give in or else fight back depending on his mood and the thing/object/privilege in question.

But there was this so prominent trait – We would never let an outsider speak in between. NEVER!!! We would always end up giving that same thing to the other which we’d been nastily fighting about. We’d always hug and apply ointment on the bite marks we’d caused.

But two years after this happened, I heard one of my classmates reciting a poem she’d composed herself and I was suddenly – competitive. I was in grade 6, around 12 and a half, suddenly realizing that if ‘this’ was what writing poetry was about, I could do it so much more better and I started writing. I continued wonderful marks, amazing poems (according to the age I was), played harmonium wonderfully well, leading all choirs in school, sang beautifully at devotional gatherings of up to 1000 people, was a good speaker-debater, orator, interested in art, literature, language, music, academics. Everything was perfect. Except a weird sort of loneliness that was slowly engulfing all of me.

I gradually started drifting away from the world around me, more into my own little corner. I wouldn’t go with other girls in lunch – time, I wouldn’t talk to many people, I anyways didn’t have a huge peer group I had just 3 friends from all grade 7 to grade 10. I would take additional responsibilities in school and yet try to be invisible. All I would care about was, what does my teacher think of me? What do I do? How do I perform? And, whether I am acceptable or not. Without anyone actually telling me that they had expectations from me, I started striving to fulfill expectations I thought they had (perhaps because when I’d be around them they’d talk of me in high terms treating as if I didn’t exist there, not realizing that there was vanity gradually creeping in which I would cover with my modesty). It wasn’t exactly vanity, nor was it purely modesty. It was a bizarre concoction of - being praised, wanting to defend that position, pride creeping in and a full realization to keep that pride toned down, because I knew pride is not a good thing.

And, I feel I missed the true carefree childhood. By an age of 14, my personality started showing deeply disturbing traits (which others either did not notice or else didn’t care to notice). I started showing perfect loner traits. I stopped talking to family about anything I felt/dealt-with in school. I would still talk about events, but never feelings. I would talk about successes, but never about failures. I was on surface same, but deep down more shelled up more withdrawn. I had a world of my own in which I had imaginary elder siblings who’d keep my training in regime, be firm with me, non-patronizing and yet caring and loving. In my imaginary world, I had no parents, my teachers and siblings were same and the education I received was holistic, though some of it I did not like. At the same time what had also changed was my biological development. With hormones in play, physiology changing, my emotions started becoming very pessimistic. My tendency to feel pain and think it was there, only because I deserved it, started growing.

Finally, it started reflecting as a psychosomatic problem in the form of dermatological issues. I started visiting a dermatologist. He treated me for two years, the medicines and steroids in turn causing other side effects, before he finally asked me to visit a psychiatrist. I denied and said that I needed a psychologist. He gave me a counseling session. However, results kept going down as compared to what they always had been, my irritability about my dad teaching my batch mates as a tutor and my feelings of comparison and loneliness kept on constantly increasing. A series of failures started and no one could understand why? Not even myself. I would blame parents, brothers, feel cheated, deprived of basic things like personal space, friendships. The single friend I made in standard 7 did stay my friend thus far.

In grade 11, I opted science with biology and maths as optional subjects only to discover that EVERY student in my class was going to extra tuition other than me. I constantly kept on failing in one or the other term exams and eventually I gave up Mathematics. I decided that I would never want to be an engg so I did not need math and I knew enough math to deal with physics and chemistry. I did not realize that I was closing my options to study physics too.

It was towards the end of the 11^th grade and in the second half of my 17^th year that I went to a psychiatrist for a project I did in biology and he diagnosed me. Asked me to conduct a meeting with my mother and explained to her that I was suffering from clinical depression, recommended me medication. However at that time, my relationship with my parents was perhaps as strained as it ever could be and it actually continued till an age of 22. My irritability increasing, my violence revealing on objects (thank God, I’ve never really hurt an individual except with words, and yes, I am not proud but I know I can really hurt bad :( ) But so far till 18, which was till I passed grade 12, these circumstances prevailed. Dwindling between successes in my performance in writing, literature and stage, grades dwindled from above average to good. And I passed school, left it with a few awards added to my already huge collection.

The remaining I guess, shall be in the next installment.

Till then,

© anu (Exploring Myself)

My years 0-9

I do not remember much of my very initial years. I do remember things from an age of 2.5/3 years though, I guess. My parents do tell me that I was a hyperactive child, multi-faceted, inquisitive, curious, talkative and impressively intelligent when I was a kid. When I was born, I had something that worried them. They took me to the doctors and different doctors way back then (around 84-87) told them that it could / might lead to a lot of medical complications, like cerebral membranes’ inflammation and other things like a swollen head.

I was very young when I started talking and my dad says I had the kind of precise grasp over pronunciation which is rare to find at that age. Father also tells me, that I would speak and recite tough to pronounce Sanskrit texts and verses behind Him when he would sit and do his rituals and worship every day. He tells me, I would imitate not just the words but also the tone and the voice modulation. I was 2.5 years old when someone recommended that dad should make me learn music.

Dad took the advice seriously because of two reasons he says: 1. He was obsessed with the possibilities of me being unwell on the basis of the medical problem and hence wanted to provide me the maximum time and effort and best things in life that he could. 2. He noticed that I was sharp, intelligent and keen. So, He finally devoted himself to my well being, growth and development.

I do not remember my dad ever spanking, slapping, chastising me. He’s perhaps the kindest and yet the most upright father there could be. He taught me throughout the importance of a decent touch and the importance of being vocal, communicative. He taught me to embrace who I was. He taught me strength was a good thing, but it had to be controlled. He also taught me that my strength came not from denying who I was, but from embracing.

I remember Him telling me that being a woman was not about being week. It had nothing to do with gender. Just like He could be all maternal while still being a male and my mom could be all robust, active and doing all the tasks that needed to be done, in spite of the fact that dad was the decision making authority.

I have faint memories of my daily routine like dad waking us early morning, massaging our limbs and back with oil and bathing us and getting us ready while mom would finish the kitchen work. Dad teaching us or helping us memorize some more Sanskrit texts, grammar, math, science concepts and/or prayers, poems.

We would then be sent to school, initially by dad on his cycle, then in the school bus by mom at times and at later times by the auto rickshaw that would pick us from home and drop us back after school. Back then, dad was posted locally, would be back by then (when he was on an early shift in school, he was just a teacher then, not a head ), so we’d change, eat, take an afternoon nap, wake up, do the homework, usually I’d manage myself. Then he’d take me to a music teacher, come back, teach me language, grammar, math, read stories with me, talk about the people in the stories, the values, the morals, the ethics everything.

This routine as I remember was my routine till I was 10 years old. I remember, my younger brother was born when I was around two and a half years old. My grandmother helped me change at home and when I asked about ma (I call my mother ma, though we called her mummy when we were young and my father papa), I was told she’s gone to hospital to bring my brother and would be back in a few hours. When I got up from the afternoon nap, my mom hadn’t yet come back and I started crying. I clearly remember my eldest uncle giving me a chocolate and talking to me about school and so many other things to distract me. We lived in a joint family then. My grandparents would spend some time at the pilgrim spots nearby and some home. My uncles (2 of the three) and aunt (1 of the two I had) used to stay in the same house.

If I started rambling, I could go on and on and on about my childhood, there’s just so much of it. But when my mom finally came home, she had a beautiful baby with her – my brother. I do not really remember how we were raised in His first few years, those memories are fuzzy in fact blank and I’m surprised why. I do remember that he started talking early too and was equally sharp. And I remember that whenever I’d take ages to drink milk, he’d say jiji (sister), hurry up, drink it fast!!! (in his stuttering, baby voice) and I’d be irritated like hell. He used to suckle his thumb, would dress just like me, but I’d sometimes bully him. We fought a lot, but we’d always share all the things. In fact my parents always brought two of everything they brought.

He started going to school and music class when he was 2.5/3 too, and at a young age he was diagnosed with hypermyopia. It was then I was diagnosed with the same too. We both looked very similar way back then and people often mistook us for twins, with similar clothes, similar heights, chubby round, beautiful faces and thick glasses :)

I remember I gave my first public speech addressing an audience of 500 at 3.5 again I was then covered in almost all local and a few national dailies. Sometimes big front pages, sometimes small columns. I wrote my first poem about my brother’s habit of suckling his thumb at 6, which my dad kept as a precious memory and then it got lost some years ago :)

The speeches, stage and music never stopped, nor did the reading. after those smaller versions of stories from scriptures, next came lives of religious devotees, then best classics of world translated to Hindi and abridged versions. Followed in translated Bengali literature, Gnanapitha award winning novels from Hindi and other regional languages. Debates, speeches and everything else would always be in HIndi, education, study and school in English. Mom working on spellings, math problems, practice papers as dad would guide her to make us do them :) We siblings fighting, pulling hair, biting, digging nails and then going out for sports on sundays, to the nearby garden, swings.

However, there’s one thing I prominently remember now. I had a doll, which often would be my mother and take me to an imaginary doctor. Sometimes, it was the daughter and I would take her to the doctor. The doctor would always be me. And I would talk myself to sleep. My brother and I would play a household and I’d ask Him to dictate dinner menus and I’d ask Him to do the masculine work and let me do the feminine tasks :)

I don’t remember having any friends. I was in a missionary girls’ school and I remember having loads of jealous girls and classmates who’d wonder why my parents, teachers, senior girls and even their parents lavished so much attention, awe and respect towards me. They were always willing to chuck me out of play groups, even when I tried to join in and after I got specs, it got all the more tough. I remember that I had lost control on urination once when I was 9.5 if I remember correctly, though there was a small course of medicine my parents got me and things were back to normal. But that might have been for other reasons now I think of it. But that’s another story. So, remaining for the next installment :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Up and about and running

This post is only to let everyone know that inspite of everything else, I'm neither dumb, not weak. I have not and will not do anything stupid and you can all (if you are) stop fretting. However, those on the automatic mailer-list of this blog, please do not take it personally, if my posts stop coming to Your in-boxes. For I will be changing a few settings from here.

Regards and well wishes to everyone.

A

I really wish I could Die

You!!! Yes, You! The woman in the mirror? Who are you?

Definitely not me. I was vibrant, strong, compassionate, kind and forgiving. You are listless, weak, either passionate or cold, unkind and revengeful. You are not me. Because of You I died, what right do You have to survive?

I am someone who's naive enough to think that I can be a pillar of strength to any one. I am a pest. I survive on others' love. I think I'm so great that I can love them? I can't even forgive people when they've NOT done anything wrong. And I can't forget it when they HAVE done something wrong.

I am obsessed, unruly, unworthy, a slut to the core of my mean and nasty heart. I care for nothing nor do I want to. I have no reason to survive.

But you forget that You're loved by those naive people who think you can love. You are liked by those who are naive enough to think of you as innocent as dove.

You are hollow, or looks, nor money. No position, no status, forget the maturity and the love you profess. You are nothing, just a fleck of dust, unworthy, set up for repeated failure and no success.

Go take a fuck and make it fly, this is what they to the likes of you. You think your poisoned tears are as pure as morning dew. Whom do you think you're kidding, you prude you bitch you naive woman. All you want is attention and you understand nothing of being Human.

But I wish I was back to the kid I was, to be able to think in poetry again. Not the tidbits that I write now, but the old when I was sane. All I want is just a single touch of love and desire in my life. But I hate the pity that I get, I hate the respect, I feel stabbing myself with a knife.

I want to give up or give in at least one. I want to talk and yet to push away everyone. I hope I either recover, or else this misery may end my life and may I never suffer.

Friends whom I love, foes whom I like, people whom I wish to do thinks for and serve. I do not wish to suffer You every moment, because I'm mean enough to want returns.

I am rambling, I know, I know not how to deal. I am numb at the time, when emotions I feel. I really wish I could die.

Lord,
Help me accept that it's my shortcoming,
to misunderstand people's intentions when earnest.
Lord, make me accept that all they've been,
in their dealings with me is fair and honest.

Lord, help me feel through the pain I get,
the strength to serve all around me.
Just numb me a tiny wee bit so that,
the bonds do not bound me.

And if Thee would do nothing O Lord,
give me the strength to face this.
And if not even that, why not take my life,
with your hands since I cannot take this.

Give me courage to die,
either once and for all,
or inch by inch every day.
Lord, help me bear the pain that hurts,
or give me an escape-way.

I really wish I could die, O Lord.
This I ask in Your name.

Amen!!!

Have I changed?

So, last few weeks, I've been very busy, cranky and a lot of other things. Last few weeks were a roller coaster. I was travelling to Delhi, visiting friends, staying in a wonderful University campus, meeting relatives, reliving some of my past, collecting my work laptop from my employer and my best friend of last five years and doing what not. In fact I met two of my online acquaintances too - One was someone I knew for last 3 years and another, whom I had interacted for a little while.

I did finally accept a mentor to help me through. I spoke with someone whom I really like and I think I even love. He asks me to take it slow and steady and in a matured way and that makes perfect sense to me.I suffered from a severe pms and a depressive phase, and then small phases of constant working for 40 hours, 50 hours and god knows how long. Went completely spiritual for a little while and became absolutely agnostic and atheistic with complete lack of compassion for another few.

So, pretty much a huge energy swing that I've been riding took me through the high's and low's. But the best part is that I do NOT regret any moment of this. I do not feel sad about even my sadness. It was good to feel cranky and yet be able to engross myself into work so deeply (at least for some time) that I could practically forget about everything else.

I've finally got a good job and I hope and pray it sticks for some time, but I guess I'll have to return to this space again for some time and back to journaling the minute details of my day to day life and also observe the changes.

But whilst I've been going through all these roller coaster phases, one thing that I've realised is that I've changed. I've changed in the way I think, the way I behave, the way I deal with people.

I am still the same maternal Mother Teresa kind of woman (he he:P) but the best part is that most of the times, I don't over worry or get over-concerned. Most times, I try to see the situation as distantly as I can, keep myself as detached as I can and yet try to help people around me, in my own small ways.

Yes I do commit mistakes, I do bitch about things, I do complain, fret, be nasty. But NEVER have I intended to harm or cheat someone. This IS something I'm really really proud of.

I do not know what exactly has changed, but I d sense the growth and the development and the change and the evolution (Or devolution for that matter.)

Lord,

I pray to Thee,

give me the spirit,

the strength

and the peaceful serenity,

to accept the changes around me,

with all serenity and peace and

understand what Your motives behind them may be.

So that,

I may be a true instrument for Your purpose,

whatever it might me.

This I ask in Your pure name.

Amen!!!

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Teaching and Me

Last two months (?) or may be one, since I decided I will not write CAT again, at least not in near future of some 3-5 years, I have been emptying my head time and again and looking and delving deep down in it. I realized, I need a break fro almost everything and need to find out what I really love doing. What I'm really passionate about?

It could be someone that was a part of my old life, something that's new only because I haven't tried it, or something that I have no clues about. So, it could also involve looking for a blind spot, that I do not know about.

And, then I realized it for the 1000th time in life - I love teaching!!!

So, scheduling and organizing everything in my life so as to be able to teach very soon :) ASAP :)

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Recent Updates

So, here's what happened since I came back from Delhi.

• I labelled, stamped and listed and cataloged all the books I have. And I also gave away that had become irrelevant or not so useful over the time. So, I have some 1500 books remaining finally, but I haven't yet excel sheeted them.
• I prepared for relocation to Delhi, arrange hostels, finances, jobs and went through a lot of telephonic interviews so that I could take it ahead as soon as I was in Delhi.
• I ended up spraining my leg with a hairline fracture when I tipped with my scooty in a pit full of water, because I didn't realize that it was a pit :)
  
• I finally managed to secure a decent, work-from-home job for 30 hour a week and will have my employer-given laptop soon (I will have to pay for my lapi from salary though). The salary is good and the work is monotonous but simple and still interesting :)
  
• So, now I work 6 hours a day five days a week, and I study for some 4 every day and study and learn French for another 2 and also access online sites that I was slow on in the period between more frequently.
• I have in the last fifteen days, interacted with quite a few people from all walks of life and these interactions have all taught me a bit, each in their own way though :)
  
• I got a facial done, a complete change of hairstyle and have started personal grooming more than past of late.

So, that's it for now. Till later, stay tuned!!!

Love,

Anu

© anu (Exploring Myself)

Him and Trident

I know the single-track minds some of you have, and I also know you're already wondering...Him? Who? Oh well, He's just a valued, respected and precious friend. So, this is one of those updates from my Delhi trip that I guess, I'm now ready to share.

An online friend, whom I met through an online forum, was in Delhi on the second day of my trip and we decided to meet in Gurgaon because he had a meeting there and had to leave and it was raining so we did not want Him to come to Del in the rains and end up missing His flight. So, He asked me to reach trident and I waited for Him in the coffee shop there, with a litchi ice tea, not knowing what to do with it.

And then, there's this seemingly perfect gentleman (not just seemingly, but actually perfect), young professional, no paunch, no bald, approaches my table and looks at me, for a few seconds before I raise my head up, and asks me almost wordlessly if I'm myself (asks me about my name :P ) And, I know it's my friend. I rise up, we shake hands and then before we settle down again, something just sweeps over me and I end up asking....mind a hug before anything else?

He's all grins and agrees and we hug !!!

The only reason why I'm writing this post is because I know that *this one hug* is something I'll never forget :) By nature, I'm a touchy feely person with the right people and obnoxiously distant with those whom I cannot correlate with. I like embraces, hugs, tender forehead kisses (as long as they aren't leery and cheep). I like holding hands, caressing hair and cheek, cuddling as well. But, like I said, with the right person and in the right manner.

And, this one hug was perhaps the warmest, friendliest and most relieving and serene hug I ever received in life!!! And I just loved my friend for doing it :)

The rest of the time was so sweet. We talked, laughed at pj's and He looked at me with such a sweet smile as if He was in awe with my nerd like personality and my carbon frame specs and my JNU student like countenance, and I looked at Him with a soft, delicate, revered, and yet amused smile,. But, I already like Him a lot and love him like a friend :)

And then I never knew there was more to come. A hug again at the airport when we saw each other off and a sudden kiss on my forehead in such a gentle, friendly, but an elder-like manner, almost brought tears of relief and joy to my eyes.

My friend is married, and He's way too elder to me, and He's such a sweet, well-educated, intellectual, intelligent and a charming person that I cherish Him as one of the precious people in my life. Someone whom I look up to and someone whom I remember with all fondness for laughing at my foolery, gently correcting my mistakes and helping without being judgmental to me.

I haven't written this post to praise Him to no end, but just to say that there are some people and some hugs/touches You cherish for the life. And there are some people who are always a ray of Hope no matter how dark it is.

He is one such person in my life.

Lord,

I thank You for granting me,

The people in my life.

Good, bad, beautiful, not-so-beautiful,

each precious and each different from the other.

Help me Lord,

to protect them,

to be able to love, honor and respect them.

And grant everyone in this world,

the fortune of beautiful friendships,

relationships and even beautiful acquaintanceship and strangers.

This I ask in thy Holy name.

Amen!!

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

31.8.10

Ok, so here's a small update. Small, but a decent one I'll try to make it.

I spent quite some time online today, printing some boring History of English literature, details of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dryden, Milton, Webster and others who are resting peacefully in their graves now.

And kept posting on a lifestyle site and on my mail list as well :) It was fun. I guess, I'm waiting for the 6th to get the result and once it's out, I'd have better clarity. I also feel I'd be visiting a therapist as soon as I can find one, and would be going for an eyebrow plucking and hair cut soon :)

S, here I was reading Shakespeare and then I remembered that I needed some passport sized photographs and a seal for my personal library and book collection. So, I finally got some clicked today and ordered the stamp too :)

And now, I'm ready to hit the sack it seems, rather to hit the sack and start reading all I've printed through out the day.

Love,

Anu

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

The First Love of my Life

Books! Oh so many!!! And so many kins and different topics they cover and different aspects of life they expose me to :)

So, here I was wondering about a few books that are pending to be read, when I came to know that IIM has invited applications from more than 90 percentilers, and I sent across the application form. Before I would get into my anxiety mode, I could see my symptoms and tried to stop fretting.

So,if it works out great and wonderful otherwise I have my plans ready.

I was with a teacher today and she was immensely helpful about what and how should I study for M.A. and I was told that in last few years, there have been hardly a few students who scored more than 60 percent in the University exam, and this time I aspire to break the records. Come what may!!!:P

I have the how and when figured out, so if all goes well and my form gets accepted and I can write the exam in March, I'll break the record :) Or at least I'll try to.

Lord,

Hold my hand and help me through :)

Amen!

Me and the Love of my Life

Oh ! I just love this city. No matter how many days, how many times, I just can't stop loving Delhi.

So, I headed on the 18th. traveled and reached Ggn to stay with a friend, warm, welcoming and caring. To watch movies, have food and talk talk and talk endlessly. Only to be dropped at Trident the next day.

Boy! I was nervous. And in Love with the place. The wilderness of the organisation, the organisation in the chaos. I was just in love with the backyard and the woods (more garden-ish in nature but with a wild streak) and the delicious litchi ice-tea.

Back to my temple, my friends and my second Love. (My First Love is books :P ) Interviewed and got a job which I am not taking up. Some more friends, relatives, fun, feasting, shopping (did I shop? now what? books for my bro lol). Some more fun, some online time and some more fun and lots more before I departed.

Now, I know I have written this post without the real spirit, but then I just wanted the basics to be here, before I forgot them.

And oh yes, the Royal Goofup!!! My ticket was booked for Jaipur rather than Home and then had to buy a new ticket :D

Detailed stories coming soon, till then, stay tuned!!! :)

Love

©2010 anu (Exploring Myself)

A ray of Light

http://www.sapphyr.net/women/helenkeller.htm

Who Was Helen Keller?

Helen Keller was a remarkable woman, born in 1880 and died in 1968 at the age of 88. At age two, she contracted an illness that left her blind, deaf, unable to speak, and was considered backwards of intelligence. She lived in a dark and hopeless world of her own, until age 7, when she was placed in the care of her teacher, Anne Sullivan. Through being taught letters spelt out in her hand, she came to realise the correlation between those words and their meaning. From then on, using her dogged persistence, she went on to bring forth her intellectual and emotional abilities, being an avid learner, and despite the social obstacles of her time, became the first deaf/blind person to graduate from college. As an adult, she travelled the world, campaigned for civil rights, world peace, human dignity and women's rights, and authored many books and essays. She became a prominent figure in her lifetime, whose accomplishments attracted awe, respect, admiration and inspiration.

The Life of Helen Keller

(Source: http://www.afb.org/)

The story of Helen Keller is the story of a child who, at the age of 18 months, was suddenly shut off from the world, but who, against overwhelming odds, waged a slow, hard, but successful battle to reenter that same world. The inarticulate little deaf and blind girl grew into a highly intelligent and sensitive woman who wrote, spoke, and labored incessantly for the betterment of others. So powerful a symbol of triumph over adversity did she become that she has a definite place in the history of our time and of times to come.

Helen Adams Keller was born, physically whole and healthy, in Tuscumbia, Alabama on June 27, 1880 in a white, frame cottage called "Ivy Green." On her father's side she was descended from Alexander Spottswood, a colonial governor of Virginia, and connected with the Lees and other Southern families. On her mother's side, she was related to a number of prominent New England families, including the Hales, the Everetts, and the Adamses. Her father, Captain Arthur Keller, was the editor of a newspaper, the North Alabamian. Captain Keller also had a strong interest in public life and was an influential figure in his own community. In 1885, under the Cleveland administration, he was appointed Marshal of North Alabama.

The illness that struck the infant Helen Keller and left her deaf and blind, was diagnosed as brain fever at the time; perhaps it was scarlet fever. Popular belief had it that the disease left its victim an idiot. And as Helen Keller grew from infancy into childhood, wild, unruly, and with little real understanding of the world around her, this belief was seemingly confirmed.

Helen Keller's real life began on a March day in 1887 when she was a few months short of seven years old. On that day, which Miss Keller was always to call "The most important day I can remember in my life," Anne Mansfield Sullivan came to Tuscumbia to be her teacher. Miss Sullivan, a 20-year-old graduate of the Perkins School for the Blind, who had regained useful sight through a series of operations, had come to the Kellers through the sympathetic interest of Alexander Graham Bell. From that fateful day, the two--teacher and pupil--were inseparable until the death of the former in 1936.

How Miss Sullivan turned the near savage child into a responsible human being and succeeded in awakening her marvelous mind is familiar to millions, most notably through William Gibson's play and film, The Miracle Worker, Miss Keller's autobiography of her early years, The Story of My Life, and Joseph Lash's Helen and Teacher.

Miss Sullivan began her task with a doll the children at Perkins had made for her to take to Helen. By spelling "d-o-l-l" into the child's hand, she hoped to teach her to connect objects with letters. Helen quickly learned to make the letters correctly, but did not know she was spelling a word, or that words existed. In the days that followed she learned to spell a great many more words in this uncomprehending way.

One day she and "Teacher"--as Helen always called her--went to the outdoor pump. Miss Sullivan started to draw water and put Helen's hand under the spout. As the cool water gushed over one hand, she spelled into the other the word "w-a-t-e-r" first slowly, then rapidly. Suddenly, the signals had meaning in Helen's mind. She knew that "water" meant the wonderful cool something flowing over her hand. Quickly, she stopped and touched the earth and demanded its letter name and by nightfall she had learned 30 words.

Thus began Helen Keller's education. She proceeded quickly to master the alphabet, both manual and in raised print for blind readers, and gained facility in reading and writing. In 1890, when she was just 10, she expressed a desire to learn to speak. Somehow she had found out that a little deaf-blind girl in Norway had acquired that ability. Miss Sarah Fuller of the Horace Mann School was her first speech teacher.

Even when she was a little girl, Helen Keller said, "Someday I shall go to college." And go to college she did. In 1898 she entered the Cambridge School for Young Ladies to prepare for Radcliffe College. She entered Radcliffe in the fall of 1900 and received her bachelor of arts degree cum laude in 1904. Throughout these years and until her own death in 1936, Anne Sullivan was always by Helen's side, laboriously spelling book after book and lecture after lecture, into her pupil's hand.

Helen Keller's formal schooling ended when she received her B.A. degree, but throughout her life she continued to study and stayed informed on all matters of importance to modern people. In recognition of her wide knowledge and many scholarly achievements, she received honorary doctoral degrees from Temple University and Harvard University and from the Universities of Glasgow, Scotland; Berlin, Germany; Delhi, India; and Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa. She was also an Honorary Fellow of the Educational Institute of Scotland.

Anne Sullivan's marriage, in 1905, to John Macy, an eminent critic and prominent socialist, caused no change in the teacher-pupil relationship. Helen went to live with the Macys and both husband and wife unstintingly gave their time to help her with her studies and other activities.

While still a student at Radcliffe, Helen Keller began a writing career that was to continue on and off for 50 years. In 1902, The Story of My Life, which had first appeared in serial form in the Ladies Home Journal, appeared in book form. This was always to be the most popular of her works and today is available in more than 50 languages, including Marathi, Pushtu, Tagalog, and Vedu. It is also available in several paperback editions in this country.

Miss Keller's other published works include Optimism, an essay; The World I Live In; The Song of the Stone Wall; Out of the Dark; My Religion; Midstream--My Later Life; Peace at Eventide; Helen Keller in Scotland; Helen Keller's Journal; Let Us Have Faith; Teacher, Anne Sullivan Macy; and The Open Door.

In addition, she was a frequent contributor to magazines and newspapers, writing most frequently on blindness, deafness, socialism, social issues, and women's rights. She used a braille typewriter to prepare her manuscripts and then copied them on a regular typewriter.

During her lifetime, Helen Keller received awards of great distinction too numerous to recount fully here. An entire room, called the Helen Keller Room, is devoted to their display at the American Foundation for the Blind in New York City. These awards include Brazil's Order of the Southern Cross; Japan's Sacred Treasure; the Philippines' Golden Heart; Lebanon's Gold Medal of Merit; and her own country's highest honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Most of these awards were bestowed on her in recognition of the stimulation her example and presence gave to work for the blind in those countries. In 1933 she was elected to membership in the National Institute of Arts and Letters. During the Louis Braille Centennial Commemoration in 1952, Miss Keller was made a Chevalier of the French Legion of Honor at a ceremony in the Sorbonne.

On the 50th anniversary of her graduation, Radcliffe College granted her its Alumnae Achievement Award. Her Alma Mater also showed its pride in her by dedicating the Helen Keller Garden in her honor and by naming a fountain in the garden for Anne Sullivan Macy.

Miss Keller also received the Americas Award for Inter-American Unity, the Gold Medal Award from the National Institute of Social Sciences, the National Humanitarian Award from Variety Clubs International, and many others. She held honorary memberships in scientific societies and philanthropic organizations throughout the world.

Yet another honor came to Helen Keller in 1954 when her birthplace, "Ivy Green," in Tuscumbia, was made a permanent shrine. It was dedicated on May 7, 1954 with officials of the American Foundation for the Blind and many other agencies and organizations present. In conjunction with this event, the premiere of Miss Keller's film biography, "The Unconquered," produced by Nancy Hamilton and narrated by Katharine Cornell, was held in the nearby city of Birmingham. The film was later renamed "Helen Keller in Her Story" and in 1955 won an "Oscar"--the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences award as the best feature-length documentary film of the year.

Miss Keller was indirectly responsible for two other "Oscars" a few years later when Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke won them for their portrayals of Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller in the film version of "The Miracle Worker."

More rewarding to her than the many honors she received, were the acquaintances and friendships Helen Keller made with most of the leading personalities of her time. There were few world figures, from Grover Cleveland to Charlie Chaplin, Nehru, and John F. Kennedy, whom she did not meet. And many, among them Katharine Cornell, Van Wyck Brooks, Alexander Graham Bell, and Jo Davidson, she counted as friends. Two friends from her early youth, Mark Twain and William James, expressed beautifully what most of her friends felt about her. Mark Twain said, "The two most interesting characters of the 19th century are Napoleon and Helen Keller." William James wrote, "But whatever you were or are, you're a blessing!"

As broad and wide ranging as her interests were, Helen Keller never lost sight of the needs of her fellow blind and deaf-blind. From her youth, she was always willing to help them by appearing before legislatures, giving lectures, writing articles, and above all, by her own example of what a severely handicapped person could accomplish. When the American Foundation for the Blind, the national clearinghouse for information on blindness, was established in 1921, she at last had an effective national outlet for her efforts. From 1924 until her death she was a member of the Foundation staff, serving as counselor on national and international relations. It was also in 1924 that Miss Keller began her campaign to raise the "Helen Keller Endowment Fund" for the Foundation. Until her retirement from public life, she was tireless in her efforts to make the Fund adequate for the Foundation's needs.

Of all her contributions to the Foundation, Miss Keller was perhaps most proud of her assistance in the formation in 1946 of its special service for deaf-blind persons. She was, of course, deeply concerned for this group of people and was always searching for ways to help those "less fortunate than myself."

Helen Keller was as interested in the welfare of blind persons in other countries as she was for those in her own country; conditions in the underdeveloped and war-ravaged nations were of particular concern. Her active participation in this area of work for the blind began as early as 1915 when the Permanent Blind War Relief Fund, later called the American Braille Press, was founded. She was a member of its first board of directors.

When the American Braille Press became the American Foundation for Overseas Blind (now Helen Keller International) in 1946, Miss Keller was appointed counselor on international relations. It was then that she began the globe-circling tours on behalf of the blind for which she was so well known during her later years. During seven trips between 1946 and 1957 she visited 35 countries on five continents. In 1955, when she was 75 years old, she embarked on one of her longest and most grueling journeys, a 40,000-mile, five-month-long tour through Asia. Wherever she traveled, she brought new courage to millions of blind people, and many of the efforts to improve conditions among the blind abroad can be traced directly to her visits.

During her lifetime, Helen Keller lived in many different places--Tuscumbia, Alabama; Cambridge and Wrentham, Massachusetts; Forest Hills, New York, but perhaps her favorite residence was her last, the house in Westport, Connecticut she called "Arcan Ridge." She moved to this white, frame house surrounded by mementos of her rich and busy life after her beloved "Teacher's" death in 1936. And it was Arcan Ridge she called home for the rest of her life. "Teacher's" death, although it left her with a heavy heart, did not leave Helen alone. Polly Thomson, a Scots woman who joined the Keller household in 1914, assumed the task of assisting Helen with her work. After Miss Thomson's death in 1960, a devoted nurse-companion, Mrs. Winifred Corbally, assisted her until her last day.

Helen Keller made her last major public appearance in 1961 at a Washington, DC, Lions Clubs Meeting. At that meeting she received the Lions Humanitarian Award for her lifetime of service to humanity and for providing the inspiration for the adoption by Lions International of their sight conservation and aid to blind programs. During that visit to Washington, she also called on President Kennedy at the White House. After that White House visit, a reporter asked her how many of our presidents she had met. She replied that she did not know how many, but that she had met all of them since Grover Cleveland!

After 1961, Helen Keller lived quietly at Arcan Ridge. She saw her family, close friends, and associates from the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Foundation for Overseas Blind, and spent much time reading. Her favorite books were the Bible and volumes of poetry and philosophy.

Despite her retirement from public life, Helen Keller was not forgotten. In 1964 she received the previously mentioned Presidential Medal of Freedom. In 1965, she was one of 20 elected to the Women's Hall of Fame at the New York World's Fair. Miss Keller and Eleanor Roosevelt received the most votes among the 100 nominees.

Helen Keller died on June 1, 1968, at Arcan Ridge, a few weeks short of her 88th birthday. Her ashes were placed next to her beloved companions, Anne Sullivan Macy and Polly Thomson, in the St. Joseph's Chapel of Washington Cathedral. On that occasion a public memorial service was held in the Cathedral. It was attended by her family and friends, government officials, prominent persons from all walks of life, and delegations from most of the organizations for the blind and deaf.

In his eulogy, Senator Lister Hill of Alabama expressed the feelings of the whole world when he said of Helen Keller, "She will live on, one of the few, the immortal names not born to die. Her spirit will endure as long as man can read and stories can be told of the woman who showed the world there are no boundaries to courage and faith."

Below is a small selection of essays by Helen Keller:

Are We Wasters of Time? as published in Home Magazine, (January, 1933)

Blazing the Trail, as published in Home Magazine, (October, 1934)

A Chant of Darkness, as published in Century Magazine, (May, 1908)

Dreams That Come True, as published in Personality, (December, 1927)

An Epic of Courage: See, (n.d.; document source not identified)

The Great Choice, as published in Home Magazine, (January, 1932)

Intelligent Reading, as published in Home Magazine, (July, 1933)

Let Us Create Beauty, as published in Home Magazine, (March, 1932)

Optimism (1903)

We Can Do More as published in Home Magazine, (February, 1934)

For a more comprehensive list of her essays, please visit American Foundation For The Blind.

Depression Finally

So, it's finally kicking in! My depression once again. May be it's because I tend to care for people easily. May be because it's just because I care for people a bit too much. or May be it's because of a natural phase, pms or else my regular depressive bout. This year has been the worst. This is the first time, when my bipolar bouts have been the most uncontrolled and unhandleable and unmanageable.

But this is my worst phase in last 10 years. I simply can't manage it. BUT, I will NOT go to a shrink. I will NOT give in my battle, the battle and war I've fought for so long. Because each small battle matters in the consequences of the overall War.

But, I will not allow myself to degenerate either. I will not allow myself to hurt other people, even if it means leaving them and causing myself unbearable pain. I know, even moving on will hurt, but the fact is that such phases will come, more and with more severity. Such phases will henceforth increase in both intensity and frequency, unless I actually settle down. And the only way to settle down is to actually settle down. There's no other way or short cut. And in spite of me trying furiously and my best, it will happen when it has to. I can't reduce the duration of my M.A. I can just prevent it from being longer. The second alternative is to quit studies altogether.

The third is to take some time, forget about everything else, EVERYTHING.......lifestyle, relationships, family, friends and everything else. To many people this will sound melodramatic. Many won't understand the hurt it is causing me to even think of committing online suicide.

But, just because I care, just because I want to make everyone around me happy, doesn't mean I'm a spineless creature. When I don't respond, You feel hurt. When I respond, You feel overwhelmed because then I want all of it.

I am not really a middle ground person. I do things either with full desire/zeal, or not at all. Perhaps, this stems from my bipolar. I don't want to get into the medicine/shrink stuff because that will kind of make me someone dependent on meds and I of course do not live in US / canada with a social security :(

So, if You get associated with me, expect that only. :( And trust me, if You at any point choose to move away from me, because I am being a jerk with my mania/depression, bipolar, I'll understand :( Sad, yes I will be, but I will understand Your need for balance and middle grounds.

This 'You' can be anyone.....friends, acquaintances past and present relationships, family everyone. I am free and You are free too.

I don't know what am I writing, and I haven't actually even once re-read it, or edited it. But, I am weeping right now again. Now this is another sign of my depression. I get weepy often when I am in that depressive phase. Please do not bother/fret/pay heed. I wish to be left alone and yet I wish to be cared for, protected right now. I have been pushing away people from me last whole week, and yet I want to stay around them. But, I understand this causes them hurt and confusion.

Please forgive me, if I've hurt anyone. And even if You can't understand me or my behavior, rest assured of one thing. I will never cause You harm, hurt intentionally and I care :( I Love all those people who've touched my life even once, and no this is not altruism or greatness or any other such crap. This is just who I am :(

Regards,

Anu